Scene 1: A woman in a recording booth, singing a R&B song, while Terrence Howard's Lucious, head of the recording empire, listens: "I got time on my side...why you leaving so soon?" Uh-oh, Lucey is doomed!
He tells her to "sing like it's your last day on Earth." Ok, enough foreshadowing. Let's get on with the terminal diagnosis. He flashes back to it, then tells her to sing like she just had to identify her brother's body after he was murdered. Ok, now she's singing in an agonizing shriek. Lucey is satisfied, kisses the hand of a masculine-presenting woman, and wakes up the fat guy on the couch.
Scene 2: Party on the deck of his platinum-album-strewn office. Ugh, close-up of a bikini babe. I counted ten bikini babes, four fully-clothed men. So far, so heterosexist.
Gross, a woman is feeding a man! That's a major trigger, causing immediate disgust. Get your own damn food! In-universe, it's meant to designate that he has such a big penis that women would do anything to get him in bed. Another gives him a whiff of a cigarette. Big Penis appears to be Lucey's youngest son, Hakeem, played by Bryshere Y. Gray.
Cut to another guy composing music on the piano. Big Penis jumps in. They sing about being ready to hit the top, go to the limit, get money and girls. Why, are you going to get 30 women instead of your usual 15?
A slightly older man in a suit and his wife look down from above, disapproving of his brothers' rambunctiousness, wondering why Hakeem is singing when Dad's not around.
Scene 3: Luscious and the masculine-presenting woman in the back of a limo, talking about his big announcement. They arrive, get mobbed by reporters and fans, and go into a gigantic office, where he kisses her. Must be his wife Porsha, played by Ta'Rhonda Jones, who is an LGBT ally but doesn't usually have a masculine gender presentation.
Lucy's secretary gives him a rundown of the day's requests. He says no to The Tonight Show and grudgingly ok to President Obama -- "but this is the last timee."
In a board room, twirling a basketball, Looney waxes nostalgic about the music that kept him alive when he was growing up on the streets. But now people download music for free, so kids growing up in the projects can't escape by composing and singing songs. Well, to be fair, less than one in a million wannabes makes a living as a singer/songwriter, but it's a nice hobby. Empire Music is going to change all that by being a commodity on the New York Stock Exchange.
Scene 4: Dining room, with a painting of a hot guy on the wall, although yellow pants against a yellow background might not be the best choice.
The guys who did the "I'm ready to be rich and famous" song are sitting at the table. There's no food.
The Suit Guy enters and asks Jamal, the one who was playing the piano, about "that friend of yours." Euphemism for a gay partner? Jamal is upset because Suit Guy didn't show up for dinner; they cooked and everything. "I forgot."
Lucey enters and lambasts them for not being prepared to take over his music empire. He's going to die soon, and "I need one of you to man up and lead it." He'll be deciding who during the next few episodes.
Scene 5: Cookie, a woman with big hair and a very short skirt, is leaving prison.
Meanwhile, Lucey and Suit Guy observe a wrestling match and congratulate each other on how much money they're going to make on the kid. He must be Luminous's eldest son Andre, played by Trae Byers
Suit Guy suggests that since he has a degree in finance, he's best qualified to run the company, but Lucey disagrees: it should be a celebrity, like Big Dick.
Later, Lucey's assistant reveals that Cookie has been released from prison. Lingam wants round-the-clock surveillance.
More after the break
Scene 6: Jamal, played by Jussie Smollett, complains to his boyfriend that Dad would never choose him to run the empire, because he's a card-carrying, slur-slinging homophobe. He's out at Minute 11 of the first episode!
Boyfriend, played by Rafael de la Fuente, criticizes him for not releasing an album, or touring, or anything but sitting on his butt eating soup. He also plays a gay guy on the new version of "Dynasty:
Ulp, they kiss! No waiting around four years for these guys.
Door buzzer rings: It's Cookie! Jamal is not happy. Flashback to the young Jamal being forced to visit Mom Cookie in prison: "And don't come back crying, either." Is Mom Cookie abusive?
Young Jamal complains that bullies are harassing me. Mom Cookie understands: "You different. It's gonna make life hard for you sometimes, but I got you." She sounds supportive. Why would he leave a visit crying?
Uh-oh, she's on the way up, and their loft is a mess! They grab and chuck the clothes and fast-food wrappers lying around. "Did you tell her about us?" Boyfriend asks. "Um...er..."
She's here! Hugs. "For a queen, you got a messy apartment. And you didn't tell me you was dating a little Mexican. She's adorable." Got you gender roles confused, but at least you're supportive.
Then: going dark, she exclaims "I'm here to get what's mine."
Left: Jussie Smollett's butt
Scene 7: Cookie bursts past the secretary into Lovey's huge office, feels up his Grammies and Golden Globes, and grimaces of a photo of him cuddling with the new wife. Lovey enters and notes that she is still beautiful after 17 years.
Down to business: Lovey used her $400,000 to start the business, so now "I want what's mine": half of the multimillion dollar empire.
Scene 8: Big Penis is getting his hair styled and singing about girls, when Cookie appears! He is not happy: he never visited her in prison because he hates her, and she, in turn, hates him. She assaults him with a broom multiple times. Ok, now we know why you were in prison.
Left: The pilot is a little beefcake-light, so here's Terrell Carter, who joins the cast in Season 4.
Big Penis rushes to Lucey's new nightclub and complains that Cookie is "a psychotic animal!" Back story: she went to prison when Big Penis was less than a year old, so he never knew her. Lucey's next girlfriend mothered him, until she was "shot on 42nd and Walnut." Where does this show take place? I thought it was New York.
Scene 9: Lucey's assistant Bunkie complains to Cookie that Lucey be keeping him down, treating him like a servant. They used to be like brothers. "I'll take care of that, since I'm going to be head of the empire after I destroy Lucey and his sons, except for the gay one."
Scene 10: Lucey meets with Jamal, the gay one, and tells him that being gay is a choice: "I'm saying this to help you, in case you release another album" Making an idiotic homophobic comment to help him? How. He explains: if your fans find out that he decided to turn gay and betray the black community, he won't get any sales: "A sissy can't sell records to black people...or the white kids."
So Jamal should probably choose to be straight. Besides, if he's straight, Lucey might choose him to run the empire.
I'm out.
Beefcake: Not as much as I would like.
Heterosexism: After the bikini babes and Big Penis being fed by his worshippers, not much.
Homophobia: A lot. Lucey's speech made me nauseous. Even Cookie, who is "supportive," throws around the stereotype that gay men are really women.
Will I Keep Watching: Heck, no.
Some bulges and butts on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
See also: Gemstones Episode 3.8: Macaulay Culkin grows up, the Cycle Ninjas break out, and Jussie Smollett shows his stuff Lucey and Jamal dicks.
Marcus Adair: Stuntman, finance major, Jabari warrir, nude model
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