"The Legend of Greg": Torn between Elf Boy and Dwarf Girl

The Chosen One is always the one you'd least suspect, born in a manger, living under a stairway, excluded from the reindeer games.

Or a pudgy, friendless 13-year old.

Greg, son of an eccentric organic-soap artisan, is the only scholarship kid at his fancy prep school, constantly being bullied and excluded.   He does have one friend, the uber-rich Edwin; they share a love of chess, bad puns, and taking off their shirts.

Gay-subtext best-buddies?  Ok, I'm listening.

But before I actually buy The Epic Misadventures of Greg, I follow my standard procedure:

1. Read the first 3 pages. Does Greg have a crush on the Girl of His Dreams?
2.Read the last 3 pages.  Did he meet the Girl of His Dreams during the adventure?
3. Do a word search for "kiss," "beautiful," and "girlfriend."
4. Check author Chris Rylander's blurb.  Does dedicate the book to "the love of my life, the light of my loins, the reason for my existence, the Eternal Feminine?"

No, no, no, and no.

Are you sitting comfortably?  Then we'll begin.

Greg's less than idyllic existence comes to an end when they visit the zoo, and a polar bear escapes and rushes toward him.  Edwin stands in front of him, and the bear suddenly turns away.  He claims that he was trying to sacrifice himself so Greg could escape  ("I couldn't live in a world without you") , but it looked like he was commanding the bear to stop.

After a few more mishaps, Greg discovers the truth:  he is a Dwarf, right out of The Lord of the Rings, except for the parts that Tolkien made up or got wrong ("I never saw those movies!" Greg protests).

For thousands of years, ever since the breakup of the Separate Earth, Dwarves have lived among us.  They tend to be short, hairy, and muscular, but poor, working in factories and as artisans, or shoveling shit for a living.  Only a few have achieved fame in our lifetime: Miley Cyrus, Dwayne Johnson.

Elves live among us, too.  They tend to be tall, slim, and androgynous, and rich.  They are the entrepreneurs and intellectuals. Nearly every famous person you can name, from Bill Clinton to Tom Hanks to Justin Bieber, is secretly an Elf (it's obvious with Bieber).

Dwarves and Elves have fought many bloody wars, and now they hate each other.  Greg is cautioned to never trust an Elf, never talk to one if he can help it; they are all duplitious, sneaky, underhanded, and evil.  All of the problems he has been facing, from the polar bear attack to the troll who kidnapped his father, were caused by Elves.

Greg's best friend Edwin? You guessed it -- an Elf.

Forbidden to see each other, they meet secretly, a whole Romeo and Juliet thing.

Except:
There's a girl.

Greg moves into an underground Dwarf community (literally underground, in caverns beneath Chicago) to be trained as the Chosen One.  At a Dwarven Hogwarts, he makes four friends, two boys and two girls.  But three of them are undeveloped placeholders; he interacts almost exclusively with Ari, a girl who is smart, pragmantic, and...beautiful. Uh-oh.

A clash between the modern world of same-sex romance and the traditional world of The Eternal Feminine.  Which will win?

I read ahead.  Greg and Ari don't become lovers. Not yet, anyway.  The first book ends with a climactic battle between The Chosen One and....Edwin.

All this time I thought it was just prejudice, that there were some fine people on both sides of the Elf-Dwarf divide.  But apparently Elves really are evil.

That's almost as disappointing as Greg's boyfriend turning into an enemy.  Same-sex romance fades away,but the Eternal Feminine -- well, Ari is still around in Book 2.