In keeping with my new practice of just clicking on whatever a streaming service thinks "I'll LOVE" without doing any research, I clicked on The Breakthrough, on Netflix: a detective tracks down a killer, with the help of "an eccentric genealogist." So they'll fall in love, or on the off-chance that they are both men, there will be some buddy-bonding.
At least it's in Swedish, so I can use some of the photos from my trips to Stockholm -- one of my favorite cities in Europe (In case you're wondering, it goes: Paris, Prague, Barcelona, Tallinn, Stockholm)
The language is cool, too. Remember in fairy tales, the monster threatens to "eat you up." In Swedish, that's how you say "eat":
Eat my sausage.
Ät min korv opp
Episode 1: "The Unthinkable."
Scene 1: "On October 19, 2004, a murder investigation begins: the second largest criminal investigation in Swedish history." Cut to a bedroom, with an Arab or North African Dad showing his son Adnan how to use a watch: "When the hands reach 12:00, a new day begins, and then another, forever and ever. Time always moves forward." Then why are we so obsessed with the past?
Someone types on a computer "Must kill."
Scene 2: Linkoping, in southern Sweden about 2 hours from Stockhom by train. This all happens in montage, splitting back and forth.
1. The Detective (Peter Eggers) jogs past a soccer game, says hello to a guy he knows, pets a dog.
2. Mom wakes up Adnan and his sister, who now have bunk beds, for breakfast with their Dad. They all cuddle and smooch and discuss how much they love each other. Not once, as I was eating my cereal, did my mother ever smooch the top of my head and say "I love you so, so, so much." Thankfully.
Adnan sets off for school.
3. An old guy and his wife hold hands in bed. She has nail polish of a very strange color, like an orange push-up (remember those?). They get up and discuss ringing Samuel about Christmas. Maybe there will be a cute son droppiong by? Wife leaves and heads through the park.
4. A man with a hidden face rides on the subway. He gets off and head down the street, fingering a knife.
You know where this is headed, right? The Man stabs Adnan; the wife sees him, so he stabs her, too. Why is the park so empty in the morning, if everybody walks through it on their way to school or work?
Scene 3: Another montage.
1. The Detective brings food home to his pregnant wife (established as heterosexual at Minute 4.5). Close up of his hand with a wedding ring on her stomach. Ok, the heteronormativity is getting a little loud in here. He gets a call about the murders.
2. Adnan's sister walks past the cordoned-off area and sees his toy tyrannasaurus. She runs to his school to check -- nope, not there.
Scene 4: You heard me.1. The Detective listening to his car radio, reports about how we're all doomed. Is this a post-Apocalyptic series, or is it just supposed to set a dark/depressing mood. At the crime scene: the woman is still alive, at the hospital. Adnan is dead. A witness, a woman who was cycling past. They start canvassing house to house. Uh-oh, a man is watching from afar. Must be the murderer.
2. The Husband of the Injured Woman calls Samuel to see about Christmas. Samuel does not appear in the credits, so why is he being emphasized so much? A cop knocks on the door: "A woman was assaulted in the park across the street at 8:00 am. Did you see anything?"
"No, but my wife, who I love more than anything else in the world, was walking through that park at 8:00 am. Maybe she saw something...oh."
3. Adnan's parents arrive at his school to see his sister wrapped in a blanket, crying.
Scene 5: Maybe we're done with the montages. The Detective in a parking garage, calling his wife. She doesn't think he should lead the investigation, with the baby due any minute. Wait -- is this all going to take place in 2004? I thought we would jump ahead, with the main story in 2024. Otherwise what's the point? It's just a murder story.
Next the Detective addresses plain-clothes cops or community members. The Wife has died, so it's a double murder. He sends them out to check if anyone in the neighborhood knows anything
He interviews the Witness and her husband, but she can't remember what he looked like.
The husband of the Dead Woman calls his son with the news. Adnan's parents sob. This is sadness porn. Why would anyone think that someone would like watching it?
Left: F*ck the Sadness by looking at a hot Swedish guy.
I'm fast forwarding. Sob...sob...hug...sob...hug...sob. Finally, at Minute 19, the man who was watching the crime scene turns out to be one of the soccer players, Ante. He is distracted, not playing well, and finally storms out of the game to sit in the locker room and brood. Coach thinks that something might be wrong? (Really? What gave you the first clue?), but Ante says he's fine, sob sob.
The forensics team narrow down the murderer to a 15-30 year old man with mental health problems, and a pent-up need to kill. Victims were chosen at random. Not a hate crime?
Cut to the Detective examining all of the binders full of murder reports and talking to his pregnant wife, while the Witness keeps returning to the crime scene and brooding.
More investigation: there's no DNA match for the blood on the knife, so they are asking all men 15-30 who live in the area to come in for a DNA swab. 17,000 of them. It's voluntary.So the killer is just going to show up?
The Detective interviews guys who were convicted of violent crimes.
More crying and c*cks after the break
Scene 6: A month after the murders, still no suspects.
Uh-oh, a guy with scabs on his face is stalking a woman in the supermarket. Nope, nothing comes of it. She's the Witness, spooked by a random stranger.
The Detective interviews Adan's parents again. He was stabbed in the rear: "Does that have any religious or cultural meaning?" You idjit, you could just research to see if anal intrusion is common in Islam. And where the heck is that eccentric genealogist?
Ok, I'm tired of this. The genealogist, Kjell (Per Burrell), appears, in Episode 2. It's a guy, but as far as I can tell, no buddy-bonding. The Detective has marital problems, Kjell gets a girlfriend, and Per Burrell is not mentioned anywhere except in the IMDB listing.
And here's the murderer, who had the most boring reason in the world. Hint: it was not a hate crime or political in every way. He was just "a lonely person." Not like his brother, who has a wife and two kids. Heteronormativity is very strong in this movie; apparently gay men are all murderers due to their "existential loneliness."
The miniseries ends with scenes of the victims' families being informed, and crying and hugging all over again.
And the Detective reconnecting with his eestranged son. The end. Thank goodness.
No more of this "whatever a streaming service throws at me." It's bound to be awful.
Beefcake: The murderer is nude during one of his interrogations.
Gay Characters: Well, the murderer, of course.
Left: Magnus Mark plays Bjorn. I don't know who that is, but he has a nice d*ck
Heterosexism: Husband, wife, and kids is the meaning of life, bringing infinite happiness and constant ecstasy. Gay men lead sad, lonely lives, and will probably kill you.
My Grade: Are you kidding? The Swedish d*cks aren't worth it.
See also:
Robert Oberst recreates the feats of the strongest men in history, including Vikings.
Spring Break in Iceland, including a hookup with a Nordic god
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