Ten "Resident Evil" Hunks and How They Die

As part of our "stay inside" film festival, I have seen Resident Evil (2002) the first of a heavily-panned movie series based on a video game.   Well, I haven't actually seen it.  I sat through it, bored senseless, taking quizzes about "Which Sex and the City character are you?" on Facebook.

I miss the days when movies actually contained dialogue.  What do scripts look like now?  Zombies attack. Someone says "We have to get out of here!"  They rush through a door.  More zombies attack.

In Raccoon City (stupidest name ever!), there's a huge underground research facility called the Hive -- dozens of floors with impossibly high ceilings.  There, hundreds of geneticists are working on an evil corporation's  top secret projects.

They have colors instead of names: Dr.Blue, Dr. Brown, Dr. Black/  Can you think of hundreds of colors? "Dr. Avocado, Dr.Puce, Dr. Cool Mint."

Then a virus escapes, so the Red Queen, the sentient security system who talks like a young British girl, kills everyone

Cut to gratuitous male-gaze nudity, as Hot Girl awakens in the bathtub in an empty mansion.  Eventually she puts on a revealing dress instead.

She and The Guy from Ugly Betty both have amnesia, so commandos break in and explain: they belong to the Hive's security force, and have to go into the facility for some reason.  On the way, they meet The Guy from Altered Carbon, also an amnesiac.

Why do some of them have amnesia, and others do not? No idea.

They go in and fight the dead people, who have turned into zombies, as well as the animal experiments, which have turned into shape-shifting monsters withno skin. Plus the Red Queen wants to kill them so they don't infect the outside world.

The Guy from Ugly Betty is looking for his sister, not his girlfriend, which is a nice touch.  But I'm sure it's just so he can eventually knock boots with Hot Girl.

Fight, fight, fight, predator monster from Alien, bullets traveling in slow motion,  "But I shot him!  How can he still be alive?", the gang killed one by one.

They try to get an anti-virus, but the Red Queen doesn't want them to have it,

Fight fight fight, they all die except Hot Girl and The Guy.  Then representatives of the evil corporation show up, take The Guy away, strap Hot Girl to a table, and die. She awakens later to find all of Raccoon City -- sorry, that name is just so ridiculous that I have to laugh everytime I hear it.   Anyway, you know what she finds.

So let's get on to the beefcake.  You deserve some.

1. Eric Mabius, The Guy from Ugly Betty (top photo) as Matt, an anti-corporate activist working under cover as a Raccoon City cop.  He survives long enough to be captured and dragged off by evil corporate types, maybe to re-appear in the sequel.

2. James Purefoy, The Guy from Altered Carbon (second photo) as Spence. He's actually a security operative at the Hive who tried to steal the virus and sell it to an evil company as a weapon of mass destruction.  He gets eaten by a monster, and turns into a monster himself.

3. Martin Crewes (third photo) as Chad, a computer technician who dies when a monster kicks him out of the train that leads from the mansion to the Hive.

4. Colin Salmon (left) as Shade, who gets sliced to pieces by a laser.

5, Ryan McCluskey as Mr Grey, a nebbish corporate suit who gets coffee splashed on him before the Red Queen traps him in an elevator for an extended death scene.

6. Oscar Pearce as Mr. Green.  I don't remember how he dies.

7.-9. Dr.s Blue, Brown, and White (Joseph May, left, Robert Tannion, and Stephen Billington), technicians who are killed when the Red Queen uses the sprinkler system to flood their lab.  Apparently it's water-tight.

10. Pasquale Aleardi as J.D. Salinas, the commander of the Hive security team.  He gets eaten by a zombie.

My favorite: Ryan McCluskey.  He looks like he'd be fun on a date.