Wake Up Dead Man: Daniel Craig's gay detective solves a locked-room murder, with a hot priest, some MAGA suspects, and a lot of Catholic c*cks

  

Link to the n*de photos

For movie night this week, we saw Wake Up Dead Man (2025), the third of the Knives Out mysteries starring Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig, left), a posh Southern-accented detective who draws inspiration from classic murder writers like Agatha Christie, Dorothy Sayers, and Ngaio Marsh.  

This one involves Father Jed (Josh O'Connor), a boxer who accidentally killed his opponent in the ring, and became a priest to expiate his guilt.  When he loses control and punches an a*hole deacon, he is assigned to a struggling parish in upstate New York. 

Left: Exteriors were filmed at the Anglican Church of the Holy Innocents, in Epping Forest, near London, built in 1873, praised as a masterpiece of Gothic Revival architecture.

It is struggling because of Monseigneur Wicks (Josh Brolin).  Monseigneur is an honorary title bestowed by the Pope, but this Monseigneur has bestowed it upon himself.  He has turned the congregation into an evangelical cult, preaching about the End Times and the War against Christianity, promising eternal damnation to anyone who challenges his authority, and screaming at visitors who he thinks are disobeying God's law: first a single mother, and then a gay couple.

The gay couple is played by HIV activist Hugh Wyld and Matthew Jacobs-Morgan, who runs Coven, a queer bar and art venue in Hackney.  

Father Jed thinks that the Church should be about love and forgiveness, a place where "everyone is welcome," but the Monseigneur sneers that he is ridiculously naive: why would you open the Church to the enemies of God? This is War!

In fact, the Monseigneur has only seven True Believers left.

More after the break:

"Meet Me in St. Louis": the movie that spawned the "Have Yourself" monstrosity. With A LOT of d*cks to get you through it, plus Adam Devine and Will Robinson

Link to the n*de dudes 

(I recommend the NSFW version. You'll need to see some d*cks).

December is the cruelest month, overwhelming the senses with bright lights and crowds, asserting that if you don't feel ecstatic every second of every day, there is something wrong with you, while pushing melancholy nostalgia and horribly depressing songs.  And the most depressing of all is the "Have yourself" monstrosity.  One line is guaranteed to push my general Christmas depression into dark despair. Fortunately, singers extend every syllable indefinitely, so I'm usually able to run out of the store or shut off the tv during "Haaaaaaaaaaaaave youuuuuuuurself..."

I thought that I could expiate the demonic power of the monstrosity by researching where it began, with a viewing of Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) when I was nine or ten years old (in the 1970s!).

Opening: It's the summer of 1903, which many adults in the 1940s recalled through the nostalgic haze of childhood. 

It's the era of empires: after the Spanish American War, the U.S. occupied the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico, a colonial empire rivaling those of Britain and France.  

It is the era of the robber barons like Rockefeller and Vanderbilt, who amassed huge fortunes and transported Italian villas brick-by-brick to the new world. 

The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan, The Bobbsey Twins, Kim, and The Call of the Wild are on every kid's bookshelf.

Everyone in St. Louis, the 4th largest city in the U.S., is all agog over the upcoming World's Fair, also known as the Louisiana Purchase Exposition.  Although a paeon to American Exceptionalism, it will have exhibits from 65 countries. They'll be able to see X-ray machines and wireless telephones, gawk at "primitive tribes," and eat hot dogs, hamburgers, and cotton candy for the first time. time. And hear the song "Meet Me in St. Louis," about a man whose wife leaves him to go to the fair.

Trigger #1: Nazarenes were taught that fairs were Satanic, so this represented evil.  Also, I recalled a song about a boy who is coming home late from the fair, no doubt the victim of foul play:

Oh, dear, what could the matter be -- Johnny's too late from the fair.

At 5135 Kensington Avenue, a trolley-ride away from downtown, fancy businessman Alonzo Smith (Leon Ames) and his family are eagerly anticipating the fair, and watching as the daughters fall in love. 

Esther (Judy Garland) is in love with the Boy Next Door, John Truitt (Tom Drake, left and top photo), who isn't interested.  She sings:

How can I ignore the boy next door?

I love him more than I can say

Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me

And he never sees me glance his way

You forgot the last line: "Maybe he's gay."

 Trigger #2: I hated Judy Garland after seeing her in the horrifying Wizard of Oz (the Witch counts down the minutes to her death!).  Later, I heard that to ever listen to Judy Garland songs meant that you were gay, which was horrifying (I was extremely homophobic during my closeted high school years).

Tom Drake (top photo and right) was "a deeply closeted gay guy, given to despair." terrified that someone would find out. 

Rose (Lucille Bremmer) is in love with Warren Sheffield (Robert Sully), but he's dating another girl (June Lockhart, who would become the Mom on Lost in Space).

Left: Billy Mumy as her son.  

Danger, Will Robinson!  If you value your Christmas cheer, do not continue!

Little Sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) is apparently in love with the Ice Man, with whom she discusses whether St. Louis is the greatest city in the world.  But there's really no discussion; of course it is. And they didn't even have that Arch yet.

Margaret O'Brien,  only 8 years old when she was roped into Meet Me, had a career that lasted through the 2000s.  Her last movie role to date is in This is Our Christmas (2018), where a family tries to save their beloved bakery from an evil developer (Margaret) and her son (Vincent de Paul, left).

There's also another daughter, a son, Lon Junior (Henry H. Daniels, Jr.), a grandpa, and a sarcastic maid (lesbian actress Marjorie Mains)

The Farewell Party: Lon Jr. is leaving for Princeton, so they throw him a party.  The Boy Next Door is invited!   Esther asks him out, but she waits for him at the trolley all afternoon, and he doesn't show up.  

Hoping to find a new beau, she sings "The Trolley Song":

I went to lose a jolly hour on the trolley

And lost my heart instead

With his light brown derby and his bright green tie

He was quite the handsomest of men

I started to yen so I counted to ten

Then I counted to ten again

Halloween: At a bonfire, Tootie claims that The Boy Next Door hit her, so Esther goes to his house and punches and bites him..  Actually, he was trying to protect her from the police. Esther apologizes, and they kiss and start dating. 

Brace yourself: depressing lyrics after the break.  And a lot more c*cks (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

Meet Me Next Christmas: Romcom with a drag show, a queer cousin, Pentatonix, and a dancer's d*ck

Link to the n*de photos

I fast-forwarded through the first 20 of the Christmas movies streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu, and found only one with probable gay characters: Meet Me Next Christmas.  Plus there are two hot guys on the icon, so there's bound to be some beefcake.  

Scene 1: It's snowing in a Chicago with no recognizable landmarks.  Pentatonix is singing on holograms and store cams everywhere: "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  The Girl, Layla, is in the airport with her luggage on Christmas Eve.  Who flies on Christmas Eve?  You won't get there in time for anything.  But all flights out are cancelled.  

While she is waiting in the VIP lounge, James (Kofi Siriboe, top photo), a hot guy with a cancelled flight, sits next to her.  Her flirting bio: she runs a charity that gives scholarships to deserving youth to attend Historically Black Colleges and Universities.  She shows him a photo of Derek, who graduated from Langston College in Oklahoma last year. 

Named after Langston Hughes, the Westernmost HBCU is advertised as an "excellent value," with a lot of white kids on its website. and no mention of LGBT people.

"Right now Tanner and I would be going to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve Show."  You're flying on the same day as the show?  Idjit!

James doesn't know what Pentatonix is, even though they've been singing all through the airport, so Layla tells him. 

They decide that, if they're both single next year, they'll meet at next year's big Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert. 

Scene 2: The next year, three days before Christmas, Layla is at work, busily placing students at HBCUs, when her bff calls -- not a gay guy, darn it, but she talks like a drag queen.  Layla is going to pick up boyfriend Tanner's favorite dinner -- takeout Italian with a Christmas twist.

She arrives at her stunning Victorian -- in Poughkeepsie?  Why not near a HBCU college? -- screams -- and a half-n*ked lady runs out, followed by a shirtless Tanner (Brendan Morgan, left).  What idjit has a hookup when he knows his girlfriend will be home any minute?

Layla wants to know that too.  He explains that this is the day the maid comes, so he couldn't hook up at his place. So she dumps the Italian food on his bare chest,  slams the door, and looks out the window, miserable. 

Scene 3: In New York, staying with her bff, Layla drinks wine and stares out onto the city.  Girlfriend says that she always picks the wrong guys -- successful, muscular, well-hung -- but forgets to find out if he's into her.  "Is he your ride or die?"  

"Hey, maybe I can fall in love with my airport hookup from last year, James." They said they would meet at the big Pentatonix concert, but Tanner the idjit ordered Macklemore tickets this year! 

No problem; they'll just go to the Rockefeller Center website and buy a ticket for Pentatonix. Sold out!  "But you can go through a concierge service to get them." I thought a concierge worked in a hotel, but it's a general service that rich people use for help of all sorts, like getting sold-out tickets.

Scene 4: In New York,  two days before Christmas, concierge Teddy (Devale Ellis) passes out Christmas fudge to his coworkers, and cioppino to the boss lady.  I'll bet that Layla gets with him instead of James. 

Layla has hired him, after sending a lot of emails and showing up at the office. His job is to get her Petatonix tickets by tomorrow night.  "Your client reviews suck," Boss lady snarls,"So get this one done or you're fired."

In Teddy's office, Layla explains that she's freaking out because she's tried everything to get that ticket: Ticketmaster, Tickpick, Stubhub...none available.  Girl, just text the guy and offer to meet him somewhere else. 

Nothing in the company databases, but Teddy knows a guy who might have one. "He has a kiosk.  I'll go get it.  No, Layla wants to go with him, to make sure there are no screw-ups. And fall in love, of course.

Scene 5: Out onto the streets of Toronto masquerading as New York.  The kiosk is closed, but Layla found a guy on Dave's Tickets who has a couple, and wants to meet in the Village.  Tony resists -- he's the professional with the contacts, so this guy must be a scam -- but she drags him on.  Squabbling- they'll be smooching in the last scene, 100 to 1

Gay characters after ther break

Vincent Webb: Mexican model/actor hugs, dates, and sticks out his tongue at guys, so he's gay, right? With bonus n*de Hispanic dudes

  

Link to the n*de photos

18-year old Vincent Webb appeared on the teen idol website with 5,169 photos. He must be super-famous for acting, singing, or...I hope not social influencing. 

Usually I check the guy's movie and tv roles to see if he's played any gay characters, and then his Instagram to see if he's gay in real life.  But this time I'm going to save time by going to go through the pages on the teen idol site to see if he's gay first.  No point in continuing if he's straight. 

There are 173 pages, each with 30 photos. I'll just check the first 10-15.

Page 1: Just shirtless and modeling photo.  .

Page 2: Ulp, he's hugging a girl.  But there's just one girl-hugging photo on the page, and neither is sticking their tongue out.

Page 3: Two guy-hugging and three girl-hugging photos.  

And many more shirtless modeling photos.

Page 4: A guy-hugging photo with his tongue out, usually a bragging gesture ("I'm so much better than you because I get to have sex with this hunk, and you don't).

Vincent only just turned 18, so I'm not going to look for n*de photos. I posted a random twink on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Page 5: More shirtless shots, plus gazing at a guy.

Page 6: Obvious dates with a guy to the beach, and out to dinner, plus more where the tongues come out to brag about each other's hotness. I've about decided that Vincent is gay.

Wait -- Page 9: More girl-hugging photos. 

I'm stumped.

Maybe the IMDB offers some clues:

After the break

Pablo the Penguin's p*nis: Jake Goldberg from "Backyardigans" and "Grown Ups" grows up to corporate, cooking, and c*ck shots

Link to the n*de photos  

Remember Pablo?  He was one of the backyard buddies on Nick Junior's Backyardigans (2004-2013) a high-strung, frenetic blue penguin best-buddying with the laid-back orange moose Tyrone.  Their friends included Tasha, a yellow hippopotamus best-buddying with the tomboy Uniqua, who has no animal species; and Austin, a purple kangaroo. 

Contrary to what commentators believe, gayness doesn't suddenly appear when you see your first drag queen. You are gay as a preschooler.  You may not be interested in physical intimacy yet, but you find some people and not others attractive, and form romantic bonds, early on.  In Backyardigans, Pablo and Tyrone were queer coded, although Pablo is more often paired with Austin on Archive of Our Own. 

A decade later, Nicholas Barasch, who played Austin in 20 episodes (2009-13), showed his physique on Riverdale.

Leon Thomas III, who played Tyrone in 25 episodes (2006-09), gave us a backside shot on Insecure.

 

But Jake Goldberg, a long running Pablo (60 episodes, 2006-13), has given us one better: shots of his d*ck,

Born in 1996, Jake grew up in New York, except for five years spent in Israel.  As a child and teenager, he appeared in episodes of 3D Rock, Law and Order: SVU, and Bull, and he played Adam Sandler's son in Grown Ups (2010) and Grown Ups 2 (2013).   

His character crushes on girls, but also buddy-bond (and gets n*ked) with Nadji Jeter as Chris Rock's son. He was nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award, which may have turned him off acting as a career choice.

More after the break.  

"You Can't Do That on Television": teen sketch comedy about the horrors awaiting in adulthood, with gay subtexts and shirtless dudes

Before 1980, children's tv invariably portrayed adults as beings to love and respect..  Regardless of how mischievous and sassy the kids might be, no one ever questioned the maxim that "Father knows best": parents, teachers, coaches, and the lunch lady rarely made mistakes and always had the best of intentions. 

That all changed when the sketch comedy show You Can't Do That On Television premiered on local Ottawa tv in 1979, then jumped to the  fledgling Nickelodeon network in 1981.

At best the adults (mostly played by Les Lyle) were disgusting, incompetent fools. 

 Sometimes they were dangerous.

An endless array of kids (over 100 in all) held a mirror up to the preteen world, parodying everything from the standard (tedious homework, nonsensical school rules, horrible cafeteria food) to the edgy (racism, gender roles, divorce), and especially the anxiety over what was to come, with adolescence and adulthood just around the corner, and for gay boys, the "what girl do you like?" interrogation.

 Although gay people were never mentioned, the critique of the most cherished myths and preconceptions of childhood helped gay kids recognize that the myth of universal heterosexual desire could be critiqued as well.

Two ongoing bits reflected anxiety over desires that, the adults insisted, did not exist.  In one, a boy is about to be executed by firing squad, yells "Stop the execution," and cleverly talks his way out of it.  In another, a boy is in a dungeon, hands manacled over his head, being interrogated and tortured (usually by being slobbered on).

 

The boys in the cast appeared shirtless or in their underwear constantly, in nearly every episode.  Gay preteens must have been mesmerized.

The most popular were:

1. Alisdair Gillis, who went on to a long career in the entertainment industry, and died in 2025.

2. Doug Ptolemy (right), now a martial arts coach.

More after the break

Daryl Sabara: Juni grows up, fights cannibals, bikers, and Satanists, and show his stuff, but I'm still depressed

Link to the Daryl and Antonio Banderas n*de photos

Spy Kids (2001) stars gay actor Antonio Banderas (left) and Carla Gugino as a husband and wife spy team.  Well, actually, their son and daughter, Juni and Carmen (Daryl Sabara, Alexa Vega), who get swept up in an age-appropriate diabolical plot involving tv host Fegan Floop (Alan Cummings, who is bisexual in real life).   

Although everyone is ostensibly heterosexual, some reviews call the film a queer classic due to the extremely hot Dad -- and Mom, apparently, which led to the "queer awakening" of an entire generation of lesbians; the shy, bullied, gay-coded Juni; the kick-ass Carmen; and the gay-coded villain who turns out to be not all that villainous.

There were 3 sequels:

Spy Kids: The Island of Lost Dreams (2002) strands Juni and Carmen on a Jules Verne-Dr. Moreau "mysterious island," where they run afoul of a mad scientist creating animal hybrids.  Carmen gets a boyfriend, but Juni remains gay-coded.

I didn't see Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) where Juni must venture into a video game to save his sister, but the queer coding ends with him meeting The Girl.  He also meets two guys, video game teammates Ryan Pinkston and Bobby Edner.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

The 2011 Spy Kids: All the Time in the World minimized Juni and Carmen in favor of a new sibling team.  The brother is played by Mason Cook, who would go on to Speechless.

During the Spy franchise, Daryl Sabara appeared in the usual one-shot tv spots: Will and Grace, Fatherhood, House, American Dragon: Jake Long, and so on.

He has a starring role in the animated lion-drama Father of the Pride (2004-05) as Hunter, a shy, anxiety-ridden Lord of the Rings nerd. That is, basically Juni as a lion.  In one episode, his grandfather Sarmoti thinks that he is gay, or as the fan wiki says, "homosexual; but this is absolutely not true."  Rather homophobic, aren't you, fan wiki?

In a 2006 episode of Criminal Minds,  Daryl plays a teenager who charges men to watch him make videos.  So he has an OnlyFans site?  The agents convince him that what he is doing constitutes prostitution, and will put him in danger from predators.  It is all presented as extremely sleazy, and one can't help but conclude that being gay is always seedy and sordid.  

Normal Adolescent Behavior (2007) is an anti-hookup cautionary tale,with no gay content: three girls and three guys in a friendship group pair off randomly.  Daryl appears as Nathan, who crushes on the mother of one of the girls. Ugh.

Raviv Ullman, formerly Phil of the Future, plays one of the guys in the friendship group.

Next Daryl played Tim Scottson in 7 episodes of Weeds (2005-12), about suburban marijuana growers. He shot his stepmother Nancy Botwin because he assumed that she was responsible for his father's death, but she recovered and hired him as her assistant.

Worst. Prom. Ever. (2011) has Daryl planning the perfect prom for his girlfriend, but when her two friends tag along, things go crazy, with a car crash, armed thugs, Satanists, and an amorous lady biker.

In The Green Inferno (2013), some student activists go to the Peruvian jungle for ecological stuff, and are captured by cannibal tribe.  

A cannibal tribe?  I thought the "spear-throwing savages" trope went out with Johnny Quest. But at least the guy dragging Daryl toward the cooking pot has nice abs and a basket.

Daryl gets a girlfriend and shows his stuff before being eaten.

More Daryl after the break

David Faustino: Bud from "Married..with Children" is star-ving, humiliated, nekkid, and a gay ally

  

Link to the nekkid Bud Bundy

Everybody in West Hollywood watched Married..with Children (1987-1997) for its savage skewering of the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, kids.  Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill, later patriarch Jay of Modern Family) is working at a soul-destroying minimum-wage job and, although he likes women in general, hates having s*x with Peg (Katie Sagal, later Leela on Futurama), a housewife who never cooks or cleans (although the house is always spotless).  His daughter Kelly (Christina Applegate) is constantly lambasted for being a "slut," and his son Bud (David Faustino), for being a "virgin."

Gay people only appeared in one or two episodes, always with a "har-har, they're gay!  Isn't that ridiculous!" comedic edge.  

But at least they weren't sleazoid serial killers.

When David began to bulk up, the writers obliged by making him extremely attractive, but still unable to acquire girls due to his abrasive personality.

After Married, David played a gay character in Get Your Stuff (2000), about a gay couple wanting to adopt a baby as a fashion accessory, and instead getting preteen brothers.  According to the trailer, there are a lot of jokes about the dads accidentally getting n*ked and the boys trying to get with a hot older woman.

In Killer Bud (2001): two down-and-out buds (David, Corin Nemec) try to burglarize a convenience store.  My first Faustino profile said that he played a gay character, but I can't see it in the synopsis.

Inn Ten Attitudes (2001), he played "himself," not gay but on the gay dating circuit (for a sleazy reason).

In 2008 he was cast as the lead in The Gay Robot, a pilot for a tv series about...um, a gay robot.  The project was never filmed, but the script might have been tweaked into the movie Robodoc (2009)

David hasn't played any specifically-identified gay characters since, but he often introduces gay subtexts deliberately into his work.

A lot of his movies feature stoner buddies, often David and Corin Nemec: Pucked, High Hopes, Puff Puff Pass, The Hustle, Not another B Movie.

In his web series Star-Ving (2009), he plays"himself" as a has-been, starving actor whose only source of income is a sleazy video shop.  There are cameos from various actors with a sleazy reputation, including Seth Green, Coolio, Ron Jeremy, and Kato Kaelin. 

There is a again a deliberate gay subtext in his relationship with Nemec, and a lot of backside shots, mostly an attempt to humiliate David or demonstrate how "ugly" he is. 

Here he wakes up after a night of debauchery with Ron Jeremy and some ladies.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.8: Baby BIlly sees a ghost, Judy becomes a mom, and Kelvin gets *** up. Plus n*de short guys and Jussie Smollett

Link to n*de dudes

Title:  "The Prayer of a Righteous Man."  James 5:16: "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Whose fervent prayer is going to avail some miracles?

This ain't the 1970s: In 1993 Memphis, Junior and his dad Glendon are watching midget wrestling featuring "heel" Chris Blanton, aka "Little Fabio." Glendon thinks that it's the wave of the future, but Junior complains that it's old-fashioned.  He wants to liquidate their gambling operation to raise money for some big wrestling promotions:"This ain't the 1970s.  Wrestling has changed. You need big money to go after big talent." Glendon nixes the idea.

Next complaint: Glendon was going to leave Junior the business when he retired, but he never retires:  "Look at me, Daddy: I'm going gray with my d*ck in my hand."   Look at him, with his jaunty hand on hip, similar to after spending the night with Eli earlier this season.  He's got some femme mannerisms going on  I'm looking at a middle-aged gay man.

Glendon wants to know how he can retire when his idiot son has terrible ideas and does everything wrong?  "You hurt my feelings," Junior exclaims, starting to cry.  The boy gets hurt feelings a lot, doesn't he?   Glendon mocks him.  But he agrees that he's been holding on too long: let's liquidate the gambling operation.

We cut to Glendon being upset while Junior loads the slot machines into a truck for Mr. Dukare (played by Dakare Chatman, who was playing a teenager in Season 1.) 

Later, Junior counts the money, annoucing that they will triple it with their new wrestling promotions.  

But Glendon has other ideas. Brandishing a gun, he orders: "Handcuff yourself to that inversion table and shut the fuck up."  He then moons Junior and leaves: "You ain't never going to see this old *ss again."  

Junior screams and cries. Glendon goes off to visit Eli and get murdered on Christmas Day, 1993. 

In the present, Martin visits the captured Cycle Ninjas in jail: a group of scruffy teenagers.  Sheriff Brenda tells him that they have fake ids, no fingerprints in the system, and they aren't talking.  Martin tries to use psychology: "We know who sent you. Now you tell us."  But it doesn't work; they just fart at him.

Cut to Baby Billy selling his health elixer in a nursing home. Afterwards the spirit of his sister Aimee-Leigh appears, and encourages him to visit his son Harmon, whom he abandoned in a shopping mall in 1993. "It's time," she tells him, and "You know I'm right."  He tells her to get lost.  Aimee-Leigh appears in the Seasons 1 and 3 finales, but doesn't interact with anyone.  I wonder if she is a hallucination here.

Eli's physical therapy:  Eli gathers the siblings, their partners, and Gideon to thank them for their role in his recovery.  Keefe is not present, but Eli tells Kelvin: "You and Queef have been such a help. I keep saying 'Go back to your house,' but you wouldn't hear it. You've stayed on, helping me get on my feet with physical therapy."  He gets Keefe's name wrong, but at least he acknowledges that Kelvin has a partner.  

Wait -- how could Kelvin administer physical therapy with his hand injury? I'm getting an image of Keefe being run ragged from caring for two invalids.  Surely there were nurses around, too. 

Of course, they had an ulterior motive for not going home: the God Squad has taken over their house.

Cut to BJ and Judy putting the very pregnant Tiffany on the bus for the 15 hour trip to her mama's house in West Virginia, where she can raise her son with no money.  At the last moment. Judy asks her to stay: she's family.

Cleansing the Temple: Later that day, Kelvin and Keefe spy on the God Squad as they dance, fight with sticks, run wild on a golf cart, and..um... pee into a watering can?   "It's time to cleanse the temple!" Kelvin exclaims.  How could the God Squad control the house for several weeks with no one noticing? There's a housekeeping crew and regular security patrols.  This must be another chronological mishap.

The guys burst into the gym, knocking over things.  "This was a house of prayer, but ye made it a den of thieves!" Kelvin exclaims. Torsten orders the men to put Keefe back in the tiger cage, but Keefe tries to fight back, Kelvin yells "No one re-cages Keefe," and they relent. 

Next he reminds them of all the good he's done. Before joining the God Squad, Torsten was "a little doughboy" who still lived with his parents. "I chiseled you into the sculpture you are today." 

When Cody had cramps, Kelvin "crawled into his yurt and massaged him until sunrise."  The guys stare at Cody, who shakes his head -- that didn't happen.  In a cult based on homoerotic desire, why would anyone disapprove of Cody and Kelvin getting busy?  There appears to be a major misunderstanding here. Maybe some of the God Squad musclemen are straight alphas, in it for the muscles, just tolerating the homoerotic activity of Kelvin, his boyfriend, and the guys he invites to the steam showers.

Torsten challenges "the Messiah of the Muscle Men" to another cross raising to determine leadership.

Whoa, there used to be twelve musclemen -- now there are 23.  The cross used to be about ten feet high.  Now it's over thirty!

As Kelvin grabs the crossbars, the casts on his hands fly off -- a miracle!  Although he is much smaller than the musclemen, he is able to get it up -- another miracle!  Keefe drops to his knees, apparently in worship.  He needs to decide whether he wants a boyfriend or a Savior.

When he has achieved leadership, Kelvin orders the God Squad to get out of his house, then pulls Keefe to his feet.  They hug and do their weird forehead press thing, but don't kiss.  I guess it's been decided for him: Kelvin is the strongest, but not the Messiah, and Keefe is an equal partner, not his disciple. 

Torsten: "It's your house, Bro.  You didn't need to get weird about it."  But of course Kelvin had to prove that he was strong, potent -- a man.

More after the break

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with a Big City Money Dude and a hunky ranch hand, but no Neil Patrick Harris

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason.  The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love.  The twist: Big City is a guy!  It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!

Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC.  Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives.  He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone!  At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay.  Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend? 

"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other."  So they've met?  Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?

 "The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases."  Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude. 

More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado.  10,000 to one he finds love there.

Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt!  If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it

Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below).  She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years.  Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.  

"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks. 

High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so."  Her certainty is another clue.

Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?" 

 "Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?"  Tell him what, Mom?  What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?

"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"  

"What could I say: you guys are both gay?"  The big reveal!   Why all the circumlocution and misdirection?  Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror. 

Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too?  So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.

Scene 3:  Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Wyatt arrives. pulls out his luggage, and grimaces. Yuck, back at the place I found so oppressive as growing up!   Mom hugs him and immediately envisions him having kids. Geez, Lady, wait until he's in the house before pressuring him to get married and have kids. 

Wait -- if Wyatt is gay, what's up with the ex-girlfriend Lindsey?  Mom references them with he/him pronouns -- yep, he was a guy with a girl's name, a misdirection to fool us before the big reveal.  Or Wyatt has a thing for gender-bending names: his High School Girlfriend is named Blake.   

Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going."  Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job.  Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!

Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt.  Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem.  So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?  

At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath, misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.  

Then he brings up the real reason for his visit: he wants Mom to sell the ranch!  "It's prime real estate today, and Santa's Workshop isn't making any money."  The others act as if he's proposing eating babies.  

"This is your mother's home," High School Girlfriend says through gritted teeth. "This is all she has." Calm yourself, Girl -- Wyatt isn't kicking Mom out onto the street.  I checked current listings: Colorado ranches go from $2-15 million.  

Mom starts crying.  "So this is why you came home -- to destroy my life?  To spit on your father's grave?"

"Well, that's not the only reason.  I wanted to eat some babies, too."

More after the break

Lucas Brazzini, the obviously gay teen angst star from Brazil. How is he similar to Asher Angel? With a lot of teen angst d*cks

 

Link to the n*de photos

I was thinking of doing a profile of Asher Angel, whose Jonah  became the first canonical gay character on the Disney Channel in 2019, when he and his gay-subtext buddy Cyrus held hands in the series finale of Andi Mack (2019).  He later came out as bi.

 Just holding hands?  Kelvin and Keefe did that in "Righteous Gemstones" Season 2, right after the s*x scene, and fans continued to argue that they were straight buddies. 

But it turns out that I already reviewed Andi Mack.  How about Brazilian actor Lucas Burgatti who the teen idol website lists as "similar" to Asher Angel?  Presumably he played a gay character or is gay in real life.

Plus he has an impossibly buffed physique, and his Instagram photos are all about men.

Lots of men.

Hugging and kissing men.

And doing that weird duck-face thing where you suck in your cheeks and push out your lips as far as possible to look like duck beaks. My research indicates that the duck-face has a long history -- primates do it -- but most recently it is being used to imitate female social media influencers, who were trying to demonstrate how the lipstick they were promoting looked.

So when men do it, it's a femme/gay thing?

What about the very, very heavily publicized relationship between Lucas and Sophia Valverde in 2019, when they were both starring in the teen soap As Aventuras de Poliana?  It was mostly illustrated with photos of the two hugging while doing the duck-face, or Lucas kissing Sophia's cheek or the side of her head -- anywhere but her mouth.  I get it, buddy --  I was roped into a lot of dates with girls back in high school, and I always tried to avoid that gross kiss on the mouth.   

So obviously gay in real life.  Next, "Has he played any gay characters?"

Lucas is best known for hundreds of episodes of As Aventuras de Poliana (2018-2020) and its sequel, Poliana Moça (2020-22), "Poliana the Girl,"  with Sophia Valverde as the hapless orphan making friends and getting crushes on boys.  She has to choose between bad boy Eric  (Lucas) and poor-but-honest Joao (Igor Jansen).  

No gay characters.  Fans suggest a romance with Bento (Davi Campolongo), a "cultured, intelligent" boy who uses crutches and hides his piano-playing talent "out of shame."   But it would be purely subtextual.

More after the break.