Noah Hathaway

After starring as the barbarian Atreyu in The Neverending Story (1984), Noah Hathaway got the full teen idol treatment. His cut-off t-shirt and skin-tight white shorts became a common sight in the teen magazines, and every time he went to the gym, a photographer was there to show the world his biceps and abs.

He couldn't compete with super-hunks like Robby Benson and Scott Baio, but he was cute enough to inspire many romantic fantasies among kids of the era.

His roles were rather scarce, but memorable.  In Troll (1986), he plays Harry Potter (not that Harry Potter), a teenager who displays a muscular chest and has no interest in girls.  Instead, he must save his sister.  No wonder gay boys found a kindred spirit in him, and speculated that he might be gay in real life.


Unfortunately, his response to the speculation was not always gracious; he tended to become livid with rage and shout his denials.

In 1986 Noah retired from acting.  He studied dance and martial arts, competed in the sport of motorcycle racing, and became a tattoo artist. Recently he has starred in some independent films, like River Beauty(2023), with fellow ex-child star Butch Patrick.   I haven't found any evidence that his attitude toward gay people has mellowed, but maybe it has.

Jordan Calloway: "Unfabulous" hunk, "Riverdale" jerk, supervillian, firefighter, fundamentalist. With an adult video.

 Link to the n*de dudes

In another instance of seeing the n*de photos and then researching the actor, I found the adult video of someone named Jordan Calloway, then googled his name and "gay."  There were references to his "gay kiss" and "captivating gay scenes."

Next, his Wikipedia article, where I saw that he was on Riverdale, the campy, over-the-top adaption of the venerable Archie comics.  He played Clay Walker, Kevin Keller's boyfriend during the last season, when the gang was zapped into the 1950s.

By the way, Kevin also dated Joaquin DeSanto (Rob Raco), Moose Mason (Cody Kearsley), and Fangs Fogarty (Drew Ray Tanner, left)

Wait -- Jordan graduated from the fundamentalist Maranatha High School in 2009 and the extremely homophobic Azusa Pacific University in 2013.  How is he playing a gay character a few years later? 

Jordan's first major role was in Unfabulous (2004-07), a Nickelodeon teencom featuring a middle school girl (Emma Roberts) who has a crush on, dates, breaks up with, and reunites with a boy named Jake (Raja Fenske).  Wait -- are all of the boyfriends of teencom girls named Jake?  

Her two friends, girly girl Geena and jock Zach (Jordan), eventually fall in love with each other, so everything is tied up in a neat little heteronormative package.

Next Jordan had guest roles on Reckless, Recovery Road, House of Lies, Beyond, and Pure Genius.

Nine episodes of Freakish (2017), as Zane, who was working at the Keller Chemical Plant the day a toxic fog started hurting everyone -- which happened to be the same day that he dumped his girlfriend for cheating on him.  A straight guy.

More after the break

Devon Werkheiser: Ned's Declassified gay panic, gay friends, bare butts, and a nude Nolan Gould

 

Link to the bare butts and nude Gould

20 years ago, when LGBTQ people could never be mentioned on kids' tv, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide (2004-2007) was a gay-subtext classic.

Ned (Devon Werkheiser) offers tips for surviving middle school, always saying "When you like someone" rather than "When  boy likes a girl."

An episode about puberty discusses hair in weird places and sudden fits of rage, but not "discovering the opposite sex."

The bully Loomer (Kyle Swann) who has a gay-subtext friendship with his crony, struggles to "come out" about his interest in fashion design -- as close to "gay" as they could get.

Buddy Jennifer is afraid to ask the school hunk (Alex Black) for a date, so Ned volunteers to do it.  The hunk believes that Ned wants the date, and replies “Sure, but just as friends. I like you, Ned, but not in that way," boldly implying that gay dating is commonplace at Polk Middle School.

Ned tries to cheer up the depressed Marc Downer by getting him a date with a cheerful boy.  When that doesn't work, he tries a depressed girl.

A Buzzfeed article on "21 Actors Who Came Out after Playing LGBTQ Characters" states that Ned was gay, but Nickelodeon was not permitting gay characters at the time, and I seem to recall Ned getting a girlfriend.  It also states that Devon is gay in real life, but he's married to a woman, so probably not.

I don't even think that someone who was 13 years old when the show began had a major role in pushing the boundaries of Nickelodeon homophobia.  Let's see if Devon has done anything gay-inclusive since.  

After the School Survival Guide, Devon capitalized on his teencom fame with Shredderman Rules Christmas in Paradise, and Love at First Hiccup, where his characters win the Girls of their Dreams.

Seven episodes of Greek, a drama about a college fraternity.  He played Peter Parkes, aka "Spidey," a new pledge in Season 4. 

In the 2010s, he moved into thrillers with Beneath the Darkness, about a group of teens trying to find their friend's murderer, and The Wicked, about a group of teens fighting a witch.

California Scheming sounds like a comedy, but it's actually a thriller: "A teen seductress pulls three other privileged Malibu kids into her devious scheme, and unforeseen consequences force the group to face their own fears and mortality." Sounds awful, but at least it gives us an underwear bulge.  

The guy running away with him is Spencer Daniels.

According to the reviews, Sundown (2016) starts out a teen sex comedy and turns dark.  Plus it's "strictly offensive...trans- and homophobic and downright degrading, according to the L.A. Times.  Devon and his buds show their butts during a "gay panic" scene.

More after the break

The Treasure of Foggy Mountain: Enough beefcake and queer codes? With John Higgins' junk and a random Devine tush

  

Please Don't Destroy is a sketch comedy group consisting of  Ben Marshall (left), Martin Herlihy (right), and John Higgins (below), who have graduated from the short films of your dad's generation to TikTok videos.  They were hired to write for Saturday Night Live in 2021, and their first movie just dropped on Peacock: The Treasure of Foggy Mountain. 

 It's recommended by Adam Devine, but I'd have to subscribe to Peacock to see it, so I've been checking trailers, synopses, and reviews for gay characters, gay subtexts, and beefcake.

The plot: Like Adam, Anders, and Blake of Workaholics, the three play "themselves" as clueless dudebros who live together, work together, and haven't quite made it to adulthood --  which in movies usually means hetero-romance.  Only Martin has a girlfriend.  

Ben wants to impress his Dad by being a business success, and John is content to play video games and drink beer.  They decide to go on one last adventure, searching for a lost treasure, a bust of Marie Antoinette worth several million dollars. 

On the way, they run afoul of a homicidal hawk (who becomes an ally), greedy park rangers, a gang, a cult, fireworks, fist-fights, and danger.  

Heterosexism:  Martin already has a girlfriend, and John falls in love with one of the cult girls.  As far as I can tell, Ben stays unattached.  

Gay Characters/Subtext: None that I could tell from the plot synopsis or reviews, but Bowen Yang, who plays the head cultist, is gay in real life and plays a lot of gay roles.  There also might be a queer code in this scene of a communal bath: Martin and Ben are being soaped up by men, and John by a woman.  Or it could be a homophobic joke; it's hard to tell.

Beefcake: The guys are shirtless at least twice. Also, when they are learning to glide off mountaintops, with the help of their hawk buddy, John's suit busts open, and we see his p*enis swinging around.  

P*enises and an Adam Devine backside on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Bonus: Saturday Night Live alum Jordan Mendoza, who appears as Dylan

See also: Workaholics Episode 6.1: Blake is gay in this one, but don't worry, Adam still likes dicks

Workaholics Episode 3.7:  Gay houseguests inspire the guys

Shane Gray: Stunt performer, pole vaulter, boy scout, man's man, with a potential p*enis and some locker room hijinks

Link to the potential p*enis and locker room hijinks

I was running low on Righteous Gemstones cast members to profile, so I checked the stunt performers for Episode 4.1, and found Shane Gray.

He was fun to research because there are a lot of Shane Grays in the world -- an African musician, an Arkansas "husband and father," a baseball player, someone who is recently deceased and extensively mourned on Facebook,  plus the fictional Shane Gray of Camp Rock, played by Joe Jonas.

Our Shane Gray is a "Stunt Man, Stunt Rigger, Action Actor, Eagle Scout."  

He has a very brief Facebook page, some newspaper articles about his boy scouting and pole vaulting, and a Youtube Channel with some audition videos.  Here he auditions for the role of Monkey D. Luffy at the Universal Fan Fest 2025.

He attended Thousand Oaks High School, where he was a pole vaulter (on the right) and had an entry in the Westlake Village Student Art Show.  He graduated in 2022.

He works with his father,  Jason Gray, another "husband and father" who runs his own rigging company and has 200 stunt jobs listed on the IMDB. 

In-your-face heteronormativity?  That explains why I didn't profile Jason.  Plus he has no beefcake photos.  Shane does.

.

The IMDB lists five stunt jobs for Shane.

He was a stunt rigger for the music video Die for You, by The Weekend (2021).

Fire safety in an episode of American Horror Story (2022): he gets set on fire.

Utility stunts in Fade to Black (upcoming), a horror movie starring John Carroll Lynch, Thomas Barbusca, Gavin Leatherwood, and Scott Evans.

Utility stunts in The Wolf and the Lamb (upcoming), a Western starring Zach McGowan (left), Eric Nelsen, Mike Manning, and Elias Kacavas

Stunt performer in The Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1 (2025)

N*de photos after the break

Paradise: Gay subtext President-Secret Service Agent, annoying cliches, murder, a silly plot twist, and James Marsden

Link to the n*de dudes

A tv series called Paradise just dropped on Hulu, recalling the annoying Netflix habit of impossible-to-research one-word titles.  But the icon shows two men and a woman, and the first episode icon, two men together.  So maybe some gay characters, or at least a gay subtext buddy bond.  Let's check.

Scene 1: Xavier (Sterling K. Brown) wakes up on one side of a bed, feels the pillow on the other side, and flashes his wedding ring.  Annoying cliche #1: Dead wife.  Heterosexual identity established in a gesture at Minute 1.  He morosely gets up, dresses with just enough beefcake to show his scars, and writes messages in marker: "Eat me first!"; "Get brushed!" "Dress your teeth."  Har-har.

He leaves to go jogging, greeting the neighbor in his vine-covered nuclear family house, through Annoying Cliche #2: a small town that looks like it's the 1950s -- past a store with one of those toy horse rides outside, for chrissakes.  They're all setting up for the big, important carnival. 

Past a rich dude's house, where Agent Pace (Jon Beavers) jokes that he's getting old and about to have a heart attack (Sterling K. Brown is only 49; you can run into your 80s).  

He counters that Agent Pace runs a 14 minute mile. "But I lift, dude."   

"But...the world's biggest biceps don't make up for the world's smallest dick." Annoying Cliche #3: The size of your dick correlates with your worth as a human being.  These guys are both jerks.

Scene 2: Back home.  Annoying Cliche #4: teenage daughter and preteen son. Why can't it ever, just once, be the other way around? They discuss his diet -- he's getting fat -- and his inability to sleep since the Wife Died.

Left: Sterling K. sort-of smiling.  His character displays only two emotions, anger and sadness.

Xavier eats his daughter's eggs instead of his own, creepily grabs and threatens to tickle her, and Annoying Cliche #4: kisses the top of her head.  

The son is reading James and the Giant Peach. Xavier disapproves.  Why?  It's about a boy whose parents are killed by a rampaging rhinocerous, so he is sent to live with his abusive aunts...oh.

Scene 3: Back to the rich person's house.  Agent Pace had to go home to use the bathroom, so Jane is working in his place.  Xavier goes through the gate, past the fountain and into the house, where two other agents, Rainier and Brooks, meet him.  "Rich guy isn't up yet, and it's 10:00 am."  He must be getting special security due to a death threat. 

Through the house -- all white, with ferns -- past pictures of Rich Guy and his buddies.

Up the stairs, knocking on the door. "Mr. President."

Wait -- does he mean the President of the United States?  But this ain't the White House!  It could be a Mar-a-Lago sort of presidential retreat. 

He bursts in to find the President dead on the floor,  in a pool of blood.

Scene 4: Five Years Earlier: The President (James Marsden, top photo) asks Xavier to remove his shoes before entering his office (not the Oval Office).  He won the election last night, as the incumbent, but his opponent "had the brain of  Goldendoodle" (isn't being stupid a requirement for the job?).   He wants Xavier to be his lead secret service agent, or rather "by my side for the next four years -- and after." He mentions his future retirement without mentioning "beautiful women" -- queer code.

But why Xavier?  "You're the best, and you're black."  Why, are you into black guys?  He's a Southerner, so he can't have an all-white staff.  

The President prides himself on being an outsider,  unconventional, but able to make the hard decisions, because "The world is 19 times more fucked up than anyone realizes."

Scene 5: Back to the present.  Xavier notices two glasses, one empty; a cigarette on the floor; and something missing from the dressing room safe.  Also, in a photo of the President with his family, someone drew horns on his wife (Cassidy Freeman, Amber on The Righteous Gemstones).  

His son is played by Charlie Evans, left.  Unfortunately, that's also the name of a female actor who takes off her clothes a lot, so I can't research any beefcake for him. To get even, I'm putting a random n*de dude after the break.

Xavier calls for a lockdown, says he needs 30 minutes, and starts crying. So, you and the President were good buddies, huh?

Scene 6: Flashback to  the end of Xavier's first day in the secret service.  The President notes that he and his wife hate each other -- she'll leave him as soon as he's out of office-- and asks if Xavier has a wife and kids. Why, to see if he's available for snogging?   

"Only two kids?  Good.  It's a smart move to not have kids right now."  Why, global warming?

Scene 7: In the present, Xavier calls Agent Pace and orders him back to the house.  He resists, so Xavier says"It's bad.  It's really bad."

He heads to the basement to talk to Mike Garcia (Eddie Diaz), who is staffing the security cameras, to go through the President's day.  Workout, got out of his bathrobe for the first time in a week, coffee with Sinatra (don't get excited, it's a woman with a man's name).

Xavier was there: he remembers the President and Sinatra arguing about who has the biggest balls. 

Then the President made pasta (from scratch) for dinner with his son, but the guy bailed on him and ate with his mother.   Then his usual (female) bedroom partner arrived. After the bedroom visit, he visited with his father, who stays in the guest house, then went to bed. Last person to see him was -- Xavier!

More after the break

Les Demi-Deux: Danny Fitzgerald, Richard Bennett, and the beauty of the male form

 

In the days before Stonewall, when gay photography was usually closeted under the guise of fitness magazines, you may have come across Demi-Gods, published by the Demi-Deux studio.  A French import?  Exotic, seductive, and maybe more legal than the American variety.

The Demi-Deux promoted the beauty of the male form itself. You don't have to pretend that you're looking for muscle-building tips.  It's ok to gaze in awe.

You may have been surprised to discover that the Demi-Deux was not a French studio.  It was the work of Danny Fitzgerald, who lived in his parents' house in Carol Gardens, Brooklyn, and his model and collaborator, Richard Bennett.

Born in 1920, Danny Fitzgerald photographed scenes of everyday life during World War II and the 1950s. Some of the subjects had their shirts off, adding masculine beauty to the scene.

 In 1958, Scranton, Pennsylvania native Richard Bennett moved to New York to become an actor/model. He sent his portfolio to Danny Fitzgerald, who invited him to do a photo shoot.  The two became lovers, and stayed together until Danny's death in 2000.

It was a new world.  Allen Ginsberg described gay men in "Howl," 1956.   Truman Capote's Other Voices, Other Rooms, 1958, featured a gay teenager. Why not publish photos for an audience of open, out gay men?

Calling their studio Les Demi Deux, they published photos in many of the gay-closeted physique magazines of the era, such as Physique Pictorial, The Young Physique, and Muscles A Go-Go, and, beginning in 1963, their own Demi Gods.

More after the break

Gemstones Season 4 Memes: Kelvin is kissing, Jesse is packing, and Pontius is coming out. With random d*cks and the Wicked Witch of the West

  

Link to the n*de dudes

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- from The Righteous Gemstones Season 4.  Most don't don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.  There are also a few random n*de dudes.

1. Random n*de dude

2. Isn't the wiener-licking monster implied?

Keefe" I don't have time for the Kissy Monster right now."

Kelvin: "How about the Wiener-Licking Monster"?

3. Listing the heterosexuals would be faster

Vance: "How many homosexuals in your family?"

Jesse: "If you mean gay men, just two.  If you mean bi/pan guys, there's Daddy, Uncle Baby Billy, Keefe, Pontius, and...why are you in that position?"

4. Don't forget jumping out of buildings.

My name is Gideon Gemstone.

My first boyfriend was the Devil.

I took out the Cycle Ninjas.

I smashed the Brotherhood of Tomorrow's Fires.

I'm a skateboard phenom.

But the greatest challenge I'll ever face is preaching the Sunday sermon.

5. Jesse knows what he likes.

Corey: "Are you as turned on as I am?"

Don't worry, Gaven Wilde, Sean Ryan Fox, and their characters are all over 18

6. Corey cock.  

More memes after the break

Glenn Scarpelli: The star of "One Day at a Time" and "Jennifer Slept Here" grows up, comes out, and gets a husband

Link to the n*de dudes

One Day at a Time, one of the iconic television shows of the 1970s, sent newly-divorced Ann Romano into the wilds of a never-described Indianapolis, to fight sexist oppression and raise her two daughters.  But by 1980, the daughters had grown, and they needed a new kid.  Instead of having a long-lost cousin show up, they acquired one by having Ann date single father Nick Handris (Ron Rifkin) for 19 episodes before killing him off.  The boy's mother wanted nothing to do with him, so Ann offerd to take in Alex (13-year old Glenn Scarpelli).

One Day was really a dramedy, so they spent some Time exploring the impact of having a dead father and uncaring mother before moving Alex into hetero-horny plotlines: his girl-crazy first date,  his foray into a female tournament, his attempt to "lose his virginity," and having to choose between a hot date and an important event with father figure Schneider.  

As he started to mature -- and bulk up -- Glenn got the full teen idol treatment, with beefcake posters, gushing articles in teen magazines, a record (ntitled Glenn Scarpelli), and girl-magnet stories in Archie Comics (it helped that his father was Archie artist Henry Scarpelli).

He had his own float in the Macey's Thanksgiving Day Parade, where he sang his own song, "Doodle Bug."

Glenn stayed on One Day at a Time for only two seasons. In  Season 9, the household would be splitting, and Alex's role minimized, so Glenn bowed out for a role in Jennifer Slept Here (1983-84).

A family moves into a house occupied by the ghost of a Marilyn Monroe-like s*x symbol who died a few years ago -- but only the family's teenage son (John P. Navin, Jr., left) can see her.  She becomes his mentor in girl-crazy adolescence while trying to preserve her memory and s*x-symbol appeal.  Glen played the son's his best friend and competitor for girls.

Superstar Debbie Reynolds, Poltergeist medium Zelda Rubenstein, and game show host Monty Hall had guest spots. A sure-fire hit, right?   But the network kept moving it to slots next to the last half-hour of blockbusters, The Dukes of Hazzard on Friday,  T.J. Hooker on Saturday, and finally The Fall Guy on Wednesday,  and it was canned after 13 episodes.

Meanwhile Glenn was appearing in 52 episodes of the children's 3-2-1 Contact (1980-83) as Cuff, a detective who solves cases using the scientific method.

Three episodes of Love Boat (1983-85), playing hetero-horny three characters.

A McGyver (1990), as a troubled high school student who drops out to work in construction, even though he's a McGyver-style scientific genius

An episode of Amazing Stories.

Glenn wanted to be true to himself, but Hollywood wouldn't allow it during the homophobic 1980s ("100 times more homophobic than today").  He started his career on Broadway, playing against Anne Bancroft in Golda and Al Pacino in Richard II, so he returned to New York and enrolled in the NYU Film School. 

He dropped out when his first partner, talent agent Gary Scalzo, was diagnosed with AIDS.  

When Gary died in 1992, Glenn needed a complete break from show business, so he moved to Sedona, Arizona, known for its mysticism and spirituality.

More after the break. 

Who is Tony Dow's Boyfriend?

This photo is causing a bit of speculation.

It looks like Venice Beach in Los Angeles (the cabana in the background says "Charter 0").

The guy on the right is Tony Dow, the teen hunk of Leave It to Beaver, shirtless, in his standard white shorts. Sometime in the early 1960s.

He's with a guy who is about his height and age, buffed, with a severe military haircut, wearing a dark t-shirt and cut-off jeans. They're both barefoot, and they both bulge to the left.

Tony is looking at the photographer, while the other guy is facing away, not sure what to do.  It's not a posed photo, it's a candid, two guys caught in an informal moment.  Hanging out together, or on a date.

But who is Tony's boyfriend?

I cropped the photo, but the original doesn't display any more information.  There are three guys sitting on the left, and there's a partial watermark: eart.ltd edit

Three possibilities have been suggested:

1. In "Wally the Lifeguard," a episode of Leave It to Beaver that aired on October 22, 1960, Wally thinks he has been hired as a lifeguard, and is embarrassed to discover that he will be selling hot dogs in a ridiculous outfit instead.  Some scenes are set at the beach, where the real life guard is played by 25-year old Dick Gering. Maybe he and Tony Dow bonded.

Severe military haircut, but the guy in the photo doesn't look like him.

2. Tommy Rettig, the star of Lassie, four years older than Tony Dow, became one of his closest friends during the early 1960s, and starred with him in Never Too Young (1965-66)

The guy in the photo is definitely not Tommy Rettig.

3. John "Butchie" Davidson.  Not the actor, the physique model. He was in Los Angeles for only a few months in the spring of 1965 before shipping out to Vietnam (he died tragically en route).  But during those months, he starred in several Athletic Model Guild films and got the cover of Physique Pictorial.  

Same haircut, same hands, same face.

Tony Dow never appeared in Physique Pictorial, but he mostly likely knew about it.  It's not inconceivable that he met Butchie, and was showing him the sights that day when an anonymous photographer snapped his picture.

There are nude photos of John Davidson on Tales of West Hollywood.

See also: Tony Dow Dating and Hookup Stories

Max Casella after dating Dougie: Christian Bale's buddy, Tony Soprano's buddy, Timon, Bottom, bi. With a small d*ck bonus.

 

Link to the n*de dudes

In the early 1990s, if your parents belonged to a certain socioeconomic class, you were required to watch ABC's ultra-conservative programming block on Wednesday nights: 

The Wonder Years, with Fred Savage as a boy winning the Girl of His Dreams in the 1960s.

Home Improvement, with Tim Allen grunting with tools.

Coach, with Craig T. Nelson as a...football coach.

And Doogie Howser, MD, with Neil Patrick Harris as a 16-year old who somehow managed to finish medical school, become a doctor, and get girls.

I wasn't of a certain age, I was not living with parents of a certain socioeconomic class, so on Wednesday nights I was watching Seinfeld.   Not Doogie Howser, because of its ridiculous premise and "Girls are the meaning of life!" ideology.  

 But I did notice Max Casella, who played Doogie's buddy: 22-26 years, "cute as a bug's ear," as the oldsters would say, and a member of the Short Guy Brigade at 5'7".

As everyone knows, Neil Patrick Harris came out a few years after Doogie, and for some inscrutable reason agreed to play "himself' in the homophobic Harold & Kumar movies and heterosexual horndog Barney on How I Met Your Mother (2005-14).  More recently, in Uncoupled (2022), he played a gay man dealing with the death of his partner and suddenly becoming single at midlife. 

But what has Max Casella been doing?

I'm researching the three standard questions: 

1. Any gay roles?

2. Gay in real life?

3. Any n*ude photos?  

1. Any gay roles?

In Newsies (1992), a Disney movie about the newsboys' strike of 1899, Max plays Racetrack Higgins, who may be gay or bisexual.  When focus character Jack (Christian Bale) says that they can't beat up the newsboys who refuse to join the strike, he "jokingly" suggests kissing them.

In Ed Wood (1994), the biopic of the director known for crossdressing, Glen or Glenda? and Plan 9 from Outer Space, Max plays Paul Marco, the gay actor who often starred in Wood's films.  His sexual identity is not mentioned here.

Later Max moved into animation, voicing characters on Pepper Anne, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Kim Possible; and video games such as Jak and Daxter (a humanoid elf and his previously-human otter-weasel buddy) and Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony (he doesn't voice Gay Tony).

He appeared in 28 episodes of The Sopranos (2001-07) as Benny Fazio, who is partnered with Chris Moltisanti and sometimes works as Capo Tony's driver.  He's married with children.

Inside Llewelyn Davis (2013) depicts a day in the life of the folk singer (Oscar Davis) in the early 1960s Greenwich Village scene.  Max plays Club Manager Pappi Corsicato, who has s *ex with Llewelyn's girl.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6, Continued: Cobb smashes, Corey lies, and Kelvin is traumatized for life. With Jace Norman and Mongolian muscle

Link to the n* de dudes

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin cruises teen idols, Jesse hangs dong, and Cobb gets his cobb bit off. With Ricky Martin and the Italian Stallion

Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, being licked by  his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready leave, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

Time Moves Slowly: The adults at dinner at Oakwood.  Aimee-Leigh suggests that they sing some of their songs in front of an audience, to see their reaction.  Shouldn't you do this before recording?   

She pulls a surprised Lori onto the stage for "Time moves so slowly." Lori and Aimee-Leigh definitely have a lesbian butch-femme couple look here. Lesbian subtext?

Later, while Lori is talking to the band, Eli tells Aimee-Leigh that he visited  Cobb: the marriage is unsalvageable.  They discuss how solid their own marriage is.

Hold My Hand: At home, the kids are singing karaoke.  Kelvin's turn: "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down (2000). Corey hugs him for:

If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

If I'm alive and well, will you be there and holding my hand?

Check out Corey's s*xy t-shirt ("I'm n*ked under here!") and crotch-enhancing belt buckle.  He is presenting himself as a s*xual being, with romantic interests that are not addressed elsewhere in the season (as an adult, he displays little or no interest in his wife).

They decide to go out for tacos and chalupas, but Kelvin stays behind.  "You all bore me! I need to take a bubble bath and read for a bit." He's going to get busy with Judy's teen idol magazines.  But isn't he too young to be left home alone?

Meanwhile, Cobb is drinking and feeding his gators.

The Bible Thief: Cut to Corey, Jesse, and Judy at a Mexican restaurant.  Cobb calls to see if his son is still at the mansion.   "No, we all left to get Mexican food."  When they're done, could he drive to Norton Bridge?  His truck broke down.

Cobb is actually at the back gate of the Gemstones compound.  He puts on a ski mask, climbs over the gate, and tromps through a thunderstorm.  He breaks through a window to enter the house.  Kelvin, in Judy's room tearing pictures of hot guys from Tiger Beat, hears the noise, thinks that the kids have returned, and runs downstairs.

The Mongolian throat singing in the background is "Wolf Totem," by the metal/folk group The Hu. The lyrics in English translation are heard during the closing credits:

If lions come, we will fight until the end

If you come as snakes, we'll become Garuda birds

If you come as tigers, we'll face you as lions with blue manes

Cobb pees into a booze bottle, steals the Golden Bible and other stuff, and goes through the house, smashing everything he can find.  Kelvin watches from the kitchen, then runs to hide in his bedroom.  But Cobb smashes the stuff there, too and, hearing a noise, raises the bed.  Kelvin screams.  Cobb runs out.

Cut to Corey and company at Norton Bridge, waiting to help Cobb with his "stalled truck," wondering why he's not around. 

The adults arrive.  The house is ransacked, and the kids are gone!  They go through the house, calling. Aimee-Leigh pulls Kelvin out from under the bed and hugs him.  The poor boy is traumatized for life. 

Corey Protects His Dad: The police arrive.  Judy complains that the intruder tore up her "Teen Hunk" magazines, but Jesse points out that he destroyed all their stuff, and angry-kicks.

Aimee-Leigh says that they have no idea who did it, but "a lot of people don't like us." Ok, now I see the point of the parking-lot debacle: to make the Gemstones think that someone besides Cobb trashed their house.  

Corey is sitting at the dining room table by himself, staring into space. Lori asks if he's ok.  He lies and says that Cobb had car trouble, so they gave him a jump.  Won't that story fall apart if they ask Jesse and Amber?  

The Devil's Piss: In the study, Jesse helps himself to a cigar and talks to his Dad about the loss of the Gold-Plated Bible.  He wonders if Eli and Aimee-Leigh or he and Amber will ever get a divorce.  Nope, Eli assures him, true love is forever: "I'll be with Aimee-Leigh until the day I die." Or until the day she dies.

About the baby's name: Instead of Stallone, Eli suggests Gideon.  His story is in the Book of Judges: he had doubts about following God's commands, but eventually he raised an army, and defeated the Midianites.  The people wanted him to become king, but he refused: "There is no king but God."  Jesse likes the name.  

Aimee-Leigh and Lori inspect the trashed recording studio, and suggest that the intruder  "had the Devil in him."

Back in the study, Jesse helps himself to some bourbon.  Eli strangely waits until he takes a sip to note that the intruder pissed in it.  Call back to Keefe's Episode 4.2 monologue about people drinking the Devil's piss.  Now we know who the Devil is -- unless it's a misdirection.

More after the break.