"Everybody Loves Greg": Vincent Martella grows up, plays Phineas, dates some guys. With some d*cks and Skyler Gisondo

 Link to the n*de dudes

We've been watching Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009) on Hulu: a nostalgia sitcom featuring the  childhood adventures of comedian Chris Rock, who provided the commentary.  Young Chris (Tyler James Williams) attended an all-white middle school, where everyone hated him, except his teacher, who pitied him for..stereotype of the week.  

He had a bully with an endless supply of racist terms (Travis Flory), a white best friend (Vincent Martella), and at home, Dad with about 35 jobs (Terry Crews), way overbearing Mom (Tichina Arnold), bratty little sister (Imani Hakim), and a little brother (Tequan Richmond), who was bigger, and far more attractive: everybody was in love with him, which was usually fine,but a problem around Valentine's Day, when the truckloads of cards, candy, and wedding proposals arrived. 

It was quite homophobic, even for the 2000s.  Chris Rock's commentary displayed revulsion and disgust whenever he could: "Hey, this ain't Brokeback!"  One episode featured Chris befriending a gay student, but they called him "androgynous."

Nearly 20 years later, the cast varies on their level of homophobia, from Terry Crewes and Tyler James Williams (ugh!).

To Tequan Richmond and Imani Hakim (allies)

 To Vincent Martella, seen here at a Clippers game with Mikey Reid.

After Chris, he became the voice of Phineas in the animated Phineas and Ferb, which is endless: 140 episodes from 2007-2025, plus thousands of movies: Christmas Vacation, Across the Second Dimension, Mission Marvel....

And some other animation work, like the video game Final Fantasy XIII, Batman: Death in the Family, and Disney Infinity

Left: Vincent and Mikey have fun during the COVID quarantine.

Some live-action work, too: Patrick in three episodes of The Walking Dead: he is a member of a zombie holocaust survivor community in an abandoned prison. Then he get sick, dies, zombifies, and creates a new zombie infestation.

I have a question about this Cupid costume.  

More after the break. 

Frederick Koehler: Chip from "Kate and Ally" grows up, shows his d*ck, plays some psychos, and vanishes. With bonus Beau Mirchoff

Link to the n*de Chip and Mirchoff

Viewers who saw this guy's d*ck in a 2004 episode of the prison drama Oz were shocked.  Not by the d*ck -- there were lots of them on Oz.

Not because he was Andrew Schillinger, 20-year old son of the white supremacist prisoner Vern Schillinger.

 

Not even because he was a heroin addict who would be given a batch by an unscrupulous guard and die of an overdose.

Because we were looking at a grown-up Chip.

Although he had appeared in Judging Amy, Ally McBeal, Profiler, Gideon's Crossing, Charmed, and A Kiss Before Dying,  Fred Koehler was famous for Kate and Allie (1984-89), a sitcom starring two recognizable 1970s tv stars, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James, a free spirit-stick in the mud couple living together. Fred Koehler played their 10-15 year old son, Chip

No, they weren't lesbians, although they pretended to be in an early example of a "let's pretend to be gay to get some of their incredible privileges" episode. 

After Kate and Ally -- I have to keep checking, but I'm pretty sure it's "ally," not "allie" -- Fred attended Carnegie-Mellon University, got a degree in theater, changed his stage name to Frederick, and returned to Hollywood.

To quote Sally in Peanuts, isn't the grown-up Frederick "the cutest thing"?   Short, rather husky, with a round, handsome face and a befuddled expression that makes him perfect for roles as oddball outsiders with no heterosexual interests.  Instead, they are gay-vague, yearning for love, acceptance, and family.

Like Ben Sharpless, teenage son of the obsessive sheriff Nolan in Birdseye (2002).

Or the mentally handicapped Pemon in Little Chenier (2006).

More after the break

Chris Messina: "Birds of Prey," "The Mindy Project," and lots of movies featuring angst and dicks

  

I didn't get a lot of page views for my review of The Sinner -- maybe everyone found the title too judgmental -- so I decided to repurpose the numerous nude photos of Chris Messina into a separate article.  Who is this guy whom I never heard of before, who lacks a standard gym rat physique yet manages to tear his clothes off in practically every screen appearance?

Link to the nude photos

He doesn't have much of a social media presence.  This Chris Messina looks like him, but must be somebody else, since he has a boyfriend, and our guy has a wife.  Plus an article in Forbes proclaiming "Chris Messina loves women."  Wow, a heterosexual, how bizarre! I've heard of men like that, but I've never met one in real life. How do they decide who's the top and who's the bottom?

Our Chris, who loves women, was born in 1974  He grew up in New York City, dropped out of college after one semester, and moved onto Broadway, then tv. He has 75 acting credits on the IMDB, including substantial roles in Damages, The Newsroom, The Mindy Project, and Based on a True Story.   I've only seen him in Argo and Birds of Prey.

Not a lot of gay roles.  In an interview, he says that his villain Victor Szaz in Birds of Prey is "probably gay." and in Based on a True Story, his character is married to a woman, but makes out with a guy during a fantasy orgy.

Our first glimpse of Chris's private parts comes in the tv series Six Feet Under (about a mortuary).  His Ted Farwell, an attorney who dates some of the ladies, walks through his house nude.

28 Hotel Rooms (2012) features a Woman and a Man (Chris) hooking up in hotel rooms every time they are in the same city on business.  It sounds artsy, pretentious, and heterosexist, but apparently Chris walks around nude a lot.

The Mindy Project (2012-2017) stars Mindy Kaling as a OB/GYN doctor looking for love in New York City.  Chris plays Danny Castellano, her Love Interest, in 90 episodes. His gay brother Richie appears in 8 episodes.

90 episodes, and all we get is a bulge shot?

Oh, well, Digging for Fire (2015) gives us another dick shot. It stars Jake Johnson as a nuclear family dad with marital problems -- and a skeleton buried in the back yard.  Chris plays one of his friends, who comes to a party involving call girls and skinny dipping.

The Sweet Life (2016) is an "edgy and unconventional dramedy" about a Man an a Woman on a road trip to San Francisco, where they will jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.  All that angst, and all we get is a butt shot?

More dick in Sharp Objects (2016): a women with psychiatric problems investigates the murders of two young girls. Chris plays a detective working on the case, and obviously her Love Interest.  Sounds terribly depressing.  Go back to comedy, Dude!

The Secrets We Keep (2020).  I don't know, Romanian refugees, tortured past, dark secrets. 

 F*k the sadness.  Dick and butt shots aren't worth it. Let's go back to the gay Chris Messina and his boyfriend.

Dicks, butts, and angst on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving n*de dudes and bondage

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Bewitched, Bewildered, and Gay

You can always distinguish between gay and heterosexual Boomer boys by asking: Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie?

Jeannie (1965-70) offered the sexist fantasy of a man whose semi-nude, subservient genie called him "Master," while Bewitched (1964-72) offered. . .well, witches.  Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery) has married the mortal Darren (Dick York, left, followed by Dick Sargent), who forbids her to use witchcraft -- but she apparently finds suburban housework infinitely more satisfying.

Or at least that's what she claims to the endless array of relatives who pop in to announce that they've just been to a fabulous party in the South of France or to the ostrich races with the Maharaja of Eyesore.

"I've got a secret" plotlines in the 1960s could always be read as metaphors for the gay experience -- especially when the secret involved so much fabulousness -- and the message, in spite of Darren's sputtering about not using witchcraft, was "be true to yourself. . .accept who you are" -- but there was more for gay kids in Bewitched. A lot more.

1. Samantha was nicknamed "Sam," so sometimes -- often -- strangers overheard Darren talking about being "in love with Sam" or "married to Sam," and their eyes bulged and their jaws dropped as they concluded that he was. . .you know.

2. The disdain with which the witch community approached Sam's "unnatural" love for a mortal can be seen as a metaphor for 1960s race relations -- miscegenation laws were still being enforced in some states until 1967 -- but also for a same-sex relationship.

3. There was a never-ending parade of teen idols, including Bill Mumy, Craig Hundley, and Boyce and Hart.

4. Several characters were gay-coded -- flamboyant, theatrical, and utterly uninterested in the opposite sex, including Samantha's sarcastic mother,  Endora (Agnes Moorhead); her Shakespeare-quoting father Maurice (Maurice Evans), and her wise-cracking Uncle Arthur (Paul Lynde).

5. Several actors were themselves gay, including Maurice Evans, Paul Lynde, and Diana Murphy (half of the twins who played daughter Tabitha).  And others were gay allies.

Dick Sargent, the second Darren, came out in 1991, and became the grand marshall of the 1992 Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade, along with his tv wife Elizabeth Montgomery.  My friend Randall in West Hollywood dated him.


Bewitched was the inspiration for many "I've got a secret" series infused with gay symbolism, such as Out of this World and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

"Shining Vale": A Stepford Wives/The Shining mishmash, with Monica from "Friends," the gay kid from Pen15, and a lot of Higginbothams

  

Link to the n*de Higginbothams

I was attracted to Shining Vale, a horror series that aired on Starz before being transferred to Hulu, because the icon looks like The Stepford Wives, with a lot of women forced to wear paper smiles, and one of the episode titles reflects "The Yellow Wallpaper," a feminist classic about a woman trapped in the attic and not allowed to write. 

Episode 1.1, "Welcome to Casa del Phelps," starts with statistics: Women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression, and twice as likely to be possessed by a demon. The symptoms are identical.

Prelude: A heterosexual nuclear family drives through the barren northwoods of New York:

1. Focus character Pat (Courtney Cox). Monica on Friends? I just reviewed a show starring her brother Ross.

2. Hubbie Terry (Greg Kinnear).  Remember "Talk Soup"?

3. Their surly teenage daughter, Gaynor (Gaynor?) The actor is named Gus, so maybe they're nonbinary, but Gaynor (Gaynor?) herself gets a boyfriend later on.

4. Their portly teenage son, Jake, who is attached to a video game at all times.  Jake has sort of a femme look, but will get a girlfriend later on. Actor Dylan Gage is gay in real life, and played a gay middle schooler on Pen15

The son and daughter are angry because they have to uproot their lives and leave their friends just because Mom had s*x with some random Muscle Guy.  Flash to the encounter; all we see is Muscle Guy flexing his biceps in the mirror while doing it.  Weird. 

Muscle Guy is played by Jonathan Higginbotham, but the top photo is Max Carpeter as Stanley in "A Streetcar Named Desire," for reasons that will become evident.

Suddenly a little girl in a 1950s costume is standing in the road!  In the wilderness a hundred miles from the nearest town? Mom screams that they hit her.  Mom screams that they hit her.  Nope, no one there. Dad suggests that it was a deer.  That was no deer, buddy.

They arrive at the huge mansion.  So if your partner cheats, your first reaction is to buy a huge mansion in upstate New York?  Excuse me -- I have some cruising to do.

Mom notes that Daughter Gaylord gets a room on the other side of the house for privacy, and Son Jake gets his own bathroom with a door that locks, for...well, you know.

A sinister lady dressed as a 1950s socialite, who will eventually be identified as Rosemary (Mira Sorvino), is staring at them.  Mom screams; she vanishes.  Dad says that it was probably a deers.

Flashback to the realtor showing . Upstairs, there's a huge stained glass window depicting St. George and the Dragon, but George is a lady, Rosemary.

Back story: 17 years ago, Mom wrote a bestselling novel referred to variously as "lady stuff" and "female empowerment."  She hasn't written a word since, but she hopes that moving to a mansion upstate, far away from Manhattan and its distractions -- museums, art galleries, bookstores, restaurants, gay bars -- will in spire her.  

Sunday night: It's very cold in the house, so they light a fire. and the dining room table was lost, so they eat on the floor for "family time." Or you could eat off tv trays in the living room.

They have to say what they're looking forward to.  Everyone chimes in: "Family!  Spending more time with family!  Family is everything! Family!"  Ugh!  

Son Jake and Daughter Gaybor were just paying lip-service to the family ideology.  They rush off.  With nothing else to do (no WIFI?), Dad suggests that they have s*x. "We haven't done it since you cheated on me."  Way to put her in the mood.

Left: Not Jonathan Higginbotham the Muscle Guy,  for reasons that will become evident. Matthew Higginbotham, a jungler who plays for the TSM Academy.  After googling it, I still don't know what that is.

3 months earlier:  Mom telling her therapist, "I didn't plan on cheating"  She was in her tiny, tiny, tiny apartment, bored (half a block from the Metropolitan Museum of Art?) and sad. Muscle Guy came by to fix the faucet, and she tripped and accidentally fell onto his d*ck. . The therapist asks if she's on anti-anxiety medication.  She's suffering from depression, not anxiety, but he gives her a prescription anway.

Back to the mansion: As Dad goes upstairs to get ready for s*x, Mom stalls by saying she wants to clean up the dinner dishes.  Whoa, someone is playing the piano!  And there's a tap on the window -- Rosemary, the lady from before, hovering ten feet off the grond!  Monica runs upstairs, where Greg is ready for s*x in -- boxers and a t-shirt?  He rushes down to check.  No one there.  "It must have been a deer."  That was no deer, but Mom has been established as crazy.  Maybe she's hallucinating.

Monday: Inm the morning, Mom pops a bunch of pills, criticizes Daughter Gaymer's short skirt, and listens to Son Jake's complaint that she forgot to cut the crusts off his PB*J. They criticize her for having s*x with a rando and forcing them to come to this haunte mansion.

When the school bus comes, Daughter Gazebo gazes at a hot guy (Derek Lah, left) and takes off some of her clothes to entice them. Why is Mom waiting with them?  Helicopter parent.  She asks Gayborhood to make good choices and Jake to try to make an age-appropriate friend, instead of hanging out with hunky older guys.  Say what?

Mom's agent calls: We gave you an advance for your new book six years ago, so get it in, or give the money back.  She goes up to the dark, scary attic, full of leering dolls and clowns, to start working. You've got 300 rooms. Find yourself a proper home office. 

The dog wants to play, but his ball rolls under a dresser, where Mom finds a picture of the two ghosts she's seen so far, the little girl and the socialite Rosemary.  One whispers at her!

Hubby takes a $250 cab from the city to investigate, but finds nothing.  Or you could call 911 and report a home intruder.   He thinks that it was just the wind. 

More after the break

Tracker: Guy tracks missing people in scary states. Are any of them gay? Do any have beefcake pics?

  

The new mystery-crime series Tracker got a boost from appearing after the Superbowl (some kind of sports broadcast), and is now the most popular tv series on Hulu.  It sends the Tracker, played by Justin Hartley, to places that I'd be afraid to drive through: Klamath Falls, Oregon?  Missoula, Montana? -- to track down missing persons.  Not paranormal missing, just regular getting kidnapped and lost in the woods stuff.

He is assisted by a lawyer, a lady who likes to see him n*ked; a computer hacker who rarely leaves his cubbyhole; and his managers, a butch-femme lesbian couple, so there's some representation, but I want to see if the missing people are gay.  I watched some of the episodes until they were established as gay or straight, and otherwise depended on episode descriptions.

1. Klamath Falls: A 14 year old kidnapped, presumably by his birth dad, but then they discover that dad has been dead for several years. 

2. Missoula: A young man, played by Donald Heng, has been pulled into a deadly cult.  He's 27 years old, an accountant,  andaccording to his parents, "shy, so he doesn't meet many people."  27 years old and unmarried?  Gay...wait, his parents say that two months ago he met a woman.  Heterosexualized in 4 minutes.

3. Springland: A young woman's free-spirited sister. Well, I'm not picky, maybe she's a lesbian...nope, she has a boyfriend named Gecko.  Heterosexualized in 8 minutes.

4. Mount Shasta: A teenager played by Hunter Dillon goes missing from a troubled teen camp that is run like a prison.  They search his dorm room.  Tracker asks "Does he have a girlfriend?"  Mom doesn't know: "I don't even know if he likes girls."  He has a girlfriend, but it's nice that she doesn't assume automatically that every boy likes girls. Heterosexualized in 8 minutes.

5. St Louis.  Finally, a place I wouldn't be afraid to visit. A convicted murderer's daughter wants him to prove her father's innocence by tracking down a key witness. Doubtful.

6. Lexington: Tracker must team up with a rival tracker -- a lady -- to track down a missing race horse.  Unlikely.  I thought this assignment would be a nonstop hunk fest, but I haven't found anything. "Peter New" is in the cast list, but guess what happens when I google "Peter  New" and "nude" 

There's also a Peter Oldring.

7. Chicago. My kinda town. Tracker has to track down a female MMA fighter.His computer hacker, played by Eric Graise, gets to leave his dark computer room and participate in the action.  Eric played a gay character in the reboot of Queer as Folk, and his character is never heterosexualized, so maybe....

More after the break