"Cheaper by the Dozen": Twelve Kids, Some Beefcake

This is one of the iconic beefcake scenes of the 1960s, at least for the kids in the era when bare chests were as rare as gay characters in the movies: the hunky 18-year old Tim Matheson takes his shirt off, for no apparent reason except to give teenagers something to look at.  The movie is Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968), about a  widow with 10 kids who marries a widower with 8 kids, resulting in a very large blended family,  The Brady Bunch times three.

It's all very heteronormative, promoting the value of excessive reproduction, in spite of world overpopulation and the economic problems of feeding that many people.  But who cares?  There was a hunk.

The 2005 remake stars Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo as the highly prolific parents.  Sean Faris, playing the oldest son, gets an extensive beefcake scene.  He's in the midst of shaving when he's called away for an emergency, so there's lather all over his face, but still, beefcake is beefcake.

The 1950 movie Cheaper by the Dozen, based on the memoirs of Frank Gilbreath, has a similar theme: Myra Loy and Clifton Webb star as the parents of twelve kids.  No blended family here; they actually reproduced twelve times.  Clifton Webb was gay in real life, and extremely swishy, so it seems difficult to imagine him having sex with a woman at all.  But that was probably the point: to "redeem" him by demonstrating that even swishy guys are heterosexual.

No beefcake here; the teenage children are both girls.  

In the 2003 remake and its 2005 sequel, Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt became the parents of the brood.  I haven't seen them -- I avoid movies starring Steve Martin -- but apparently Tom Welling as the oldest son gives us a requisite beefcake shot.  Some of the actors playing the younger kids have also grown up into hunks, such as twins Brent and Shane Kinsman.

Disney+ released heir version of Cheaper by the Dozen in 2022, with Zach Branff and Gabrielle Union as the parents.  It's modernized -- the family is interracial, the parents are divorced rather than widowed, and some of the kids are adopted.  But not too modernized: signs tell us that Black Lives Matter and that we should Resist Hate, but everyone is still heterosexual.  

I had high hopes for Luke Prael as the troubled teenager Seth.  But he displays no interest in boys or girls.

At least Zach Branff takes off his shirt a lot.

And his last name is actually Braff, not Branff.  It's just pronounced with an n, like that town in Canada.

See also: James Dumont's teen idol career, with Tim Matheson, Rob Lowe, and Andrew McCarthy

"Oz, the Great and Powerful": A walking p* enis (not in a good way) finds true love, two wicked witches, and a flying monkey

"Shrinking": A bizarre shrink, the male gaze, sentient water, and an invisible gay friend. With Segal and Tanner d*cks

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I heard that Tim Baltz, who played BJ on The Righteous Gemstones, starred in a sitcom about an inept Shrink, so when we got Apple Plus, I clicked on Shrinking, Episode 1.

Scene 1: Husband and wife, Liz, in bed.  Hey, that's not Tim Baltz.  It might be Ted McGinley, left, who I last saw on "Married..with Children."   He tells her it's her turn to handle it.  They argue, but she goes -- not to take care of a new baby, har har, but to yell at the next door neighbor.  

He is fully clothed, wiggling his fingers in a bizarre way while two bikini babes frolick in the pool. Heterosexual male gaze, anyone? 

Liz tells him that it's 3:00 am, and he should turn the music off.  But he and the bikini babes are partying with adderall and opioids.  So why aren't you in the pool with them?

"What about Alice?"  Must be Bizarre Guy's wife.

Scene 2:  Bizarre Guy gets up, goes to his kitchen - full of booze bottles, with a painting of a bikini babe on the wall (ok, ok, you're straight, I get it), and gets yelled at by his sister or daughter. She turns up a photo of Bizarre Guy hugging two women.  

Left: I didn't realize it until I checked the IMDB, but Bizarre Guy is played by Jason Segal, and he's the focus character!  I don't know why they wanted to fool viewers into thinking that Liz and her husband were the focus.  Malicious editors?

He gets into his car, but it's out of gas, so he rides a bike -- badly.  When bikers zoom past him, he insults them with an invitation to gay s*x.  Apparently Bizarre Guy is homophobic.

He ends up at the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Center, where he has an appointment with his shrink, Tim Baltz.

Wait -- Bizarre Guy is the shrink!  But those bizarre finger movements, like he has some kind of psychotic disorder. The doctor is crazier than his patients!

Scene 3:  Bizarre Guy holds his head under the water faucet, then returns to his patients: 

"I hate my mother"

"The barista made me spell 'Dan'"

"I always go out with superficial girls."

Jason's backside and d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

"My boyfriend made me go back to fetch my sunglasses, but they were right on my head the whole time.  Then he called me stupid, but he said I had great t__, so he loves me." Great T__ is displaying them very brazenly for the aesthetic pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer.

Bizarre Guy blows up: they've been through this again and again.  If your boyfriend calls you stupid, he doesn't love you.  Besides, he's not that great: "his muscles are too big, and his shirts are too tight. Nobody likes that!"

Forget that gay men exist,  Bizarre Guy?  Or maybe gay men don't exist in this universe, except in slurs.  But obviously Great T* likes it. 

Left: Big muscles, tight shirt.  Any questions?

"Just leave him!" Bizarre Guy yells.

"Ok."  She goes home to pack her stuff.  That was easy.

Scene 4: Sister/Daughter from Scene 2. is singing a silly song to the water she's pouring (yes, to the water) while old guy Harrison Ford rolls his eyes.  "It's too much water."  She must be volunteering in a nursing home, with Harrison Ford as the cantankerous geezer.  

No, it's the break room at the Cognitive Center.  Sister/Daughter is a fellow shrink, pouring her own water due to her "character quirk" of being health conscious. And thinking that water is sentient?

Bizarre Guy bursts in and confesses that he just told a patient what to do.  They are upset: this is against the rules of shrinking.

"We all know what they should do.  Why not just tell them?"  

"They have to figure it out for themselves."

After they criticize him some more, Bizarre Guy agrees to shrink patients "by the book" from now on.

Scene 5: Bizarre Guy is on his way out, when Sister/Daughter stops to flirt with him.  Ok, not his Sister/Daughter, his Flirtatious Coworker.  But why do the two characters look identical? 

After flirting, she gives him a referral: young soldier, just back from overseas, keeps assaulting people, and his parents are worried.  What about the victims and the police?  

Scene 6: Bizarre Guy starts the session with the Soldier (Luke Tennie) with "Why do you think you're here?"  It's cognitive-behavioral therapy, not psychoanalysis; give him some anger management strategies!

He waits for Soldier to open up, but nothing happens.  Finally Soldier walks out. I would, too.  Bizarre Guy yells "F*ck!"

Back at home, a new character named Tia is on the couch, watching wrestling.  Bizarre Guy thinks people who enjoy wrestling are insane (calling your wife/girlfriend insane will decrease your chance of being invited into her bed, dude).   He then turns into the pinching monster, and they end up smoooching.  

I thought he was single-- he invited ladies over last night, and he had the photo of his wife and sister/daughter turned over.  Maybe she's a new girlfriend?

Wait -- was this a flashback to back before his wife left him?  Geez, I hate flashbacks that aren't signaled in any way.

More after the break

Bamm-Bamm's Muscles: Gay Promise on "The Flintstones"

Quick, name a cartoon character who came from outer space, was adopted by a human family, and has superpowers?

Right, Bamm-Bamm Rubble.

In an October 3rd, 1963 episode of The Flintstones, about "a modern prehistoric family," Betty and Barney Rubble are upset because they can't have children -- apparently Barney's sperm count is a little low.  They wish on a falling star, and the next morning a baby appears on their doorstep, asleep in a turtle shell, holding a club.

He can only say "Bamm-Bamm," so that becomes his name. He turns out to have superhuman strength, easily carrying furniture and tossing his adopted father around.

As a kid, I was intrigued by Bamm-Bamm's mysterious origin.  Could he be an alien -- a falling star could mean a UFO!  His white hair certainly looked alien.  And the superhuman strength surely meant super muscles!

I didn't see The Flintstones often, so I didn't notice that the writers failed to make much use of Bamm-Bamm's potential.  His supernatural origins were rarely mentioned, and his super-strength became little more than a comic nuisance.

No gay symbolism: in fact, he began expressing toddler heterosexual interest, mooning over toddler-next-door Pebbles, romancing her in baby-talk.  Eventually they were closing episodes by singing the treacly Sunday-school song "Open Up Your Heart (and Let the Sun Shine In)." Yuck.

In 1971, a highly publicized spin-off appeared, The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show (1971-72, and rerun long after).  With the characters as teenagers. 

But Bamm-Bamm dit not transform into Superboy.

He and Pebbles went to high school and belonged to a rock band, like everyone on Saturday morning in the 1970s.

No mysterous origin.  No superstrength.  He wasn't even built -- he had skinny arms and legs and a shapeless lump of a body.  

More after the break

"Best Foot Forward": Boy negotiates middle school with a prosthetic leg, a h*ng ad, a bodybuilder brother, a gay buddy, and no annoying girl-craziness

  

Link to the n*de dudes

We just dumped Peacock in favor of Apple Plus, so now we can watch Best Foot Forward (2022), based on childhood experiences of  "Paralympian, comedian, author, disability advocate, and Halloween enthusiast" Joshua Sundquist (underwear photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) 

Focus character Josh has been home schooled since he lost his left leg at age nine, but he finally convinces his parents to allow him to start seventh grade in public school.  He faces the standard junior high problems of friends, math tests, soccer practice, movie night, and school dances.

Josh is played by Logan Marmino, fifteen years old in 2025 and thinking about college.  Maybe Johns Hopkins?

He's an accomplished athlete, competing in Paralympics track and high school basketball and baseball.  Plus surfing and skateboarding. 

When showrunner Joshua Sundquist invited him to audition for Best Foot Forward, he had no acting experience, not even a school play.  And he doesn't really seem interested in an acting career -- he hasn't appeared in anything since. Sports and disability activism keep him busy.

While Josh is experiencing the joys and hassles of junior high, Dad and Mom (Stephen Schneider, left, Joy Suprano) have B plots of their own, like when they tried to order two pizzas, and accidentally ordered twenty. "Sometimes older people can't see the order screen very well," the delivery guy explains, to Mom's consternation.

Stephen Schneider may be best known for a five-minute long n*de fight scene in The Righteous Gemstones, but he has 37 acting credits on the IMDB, including three tv series reviewed here: You're the Worst, Broad City. and Nobody Wants This, 

Josh's younger brother Matt (Roger Dale Floyd) mostly tries to help, or feels left out when Josh gets all of the attention.

Roger Dale Floyd, 13 years old in 2025, has appeared in The Walking Dead, Doctor Sleep, Greenland, and Stranger Things.  He is a junior bodybuilder, interested in promoting fitness among teens and tweens. 

In Greenland (2020), Roger and his Mom and Dad (Gerard Butler) must flee cross-country to safety after a comet-Apocalypse.  Whoops, they forgot to bring his insulin. 

N*de Gerard Butler on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Josh makes two friends, Kyle (Peyton Jackson, left) and Gabriella (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss).

Peyton Jackson has 14 acting credits on the IMDB, most recently Pet Investigators (2025), about three teens who crack a pet-theft ring.  The baddies are played by former teen idols Sean Astin, David Faustino, and Corin Nemec, and the hunk by Mike Markoff (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

I have bad luck with junior high and high school comedies.  They invariably present their male characters as absurdly girl crazy, their every action designed to meet, impress, or win Girls! Girls! Girls!: "Let's join chess club -- there will be girls there!  Let's buy a new skateboard -- we can use it to get girls!  Let's jump out of an airplane -- maybe a girl will see us!"

I'm reviewing the "School Dance" episode with my "heteronormative erasure!" complaints ready.

Review after the break

Gavin Munn's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 4: A boy and his bully, a boy and his stuntman, Kelton Dumont, a selfie, and Santa Claus

Link to the n*de photos

This is a collection of cute/cool photos of Gavin Munn, who plays Jonathan on Raising Dion and Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones.  He's under 18, so no n*de photos of Gavin, but I may have included some of his costars and friends.

1. A boy and his Mom.

2. In Dear Santa (2024), a dyslexic boy writes a letter to Santa Claus, but it accidentally goes to Satan (Jack Black), who appears to help him gain self-confidence, best a bully, and win the Girl.  Gavin plays the bully.  

I don't know why he needs a mannequin.  Does Satan, like, shoot him out of a cannon?

3. In case you want to see Satan and Santa Claus at the beach.  That's actually Kyle Gass, who plays a science teacher.

4. A boy and his fish.

5. A boy and his boat.

More after the break

"Blood Legacy": "Succession" in South Africa, with rich people, dark secrets, a downlow gay romance, and n*de Zulu guys

 

After the South African tease of Honest Men, I wanted some real South African tv, so I turned on Blood Legacy (2024), a Netflix series about siblings fighting for control of Daddy's empire (sounds familiar).

Scene 1: Establishing shot of the docks.  A man being beat up.  He won't sign the paper, so they call in a White-Haired Man, Bheki, while a Bearded Man and a Pink-Haired Woman watch. 

 But "I cannot be broken, because I come from the struggle, a struggled you and I once shared. But you left me behind." Tired of listening to the speech, Pink-Hair shoots him.

Cut to the funeral, with the White-Haired Man delivering the eulogy.  Widow and adult children, two men and a woman, hold hands. 

Scene 2: Establishing shot of Durban.  White-Haired Man in a helicopter watches an interview program with economics journalist Khanyi.   "We need transparency and accountability." 

 "But doesn't your family own Spear, the most corrupt company in Africa?"    

When the broadcast ends, Khanyi yells "Don't ever ask about my f*king family again!" and stomps off.

Scene 3: At work in Cape Town. Sean (Michael Everson) tells Khanyi that the Scene 1 murder has been linked to White Haired Man, her estranged father.  

She tells him to "F*k off!" and stomps away.

Scene 4: Akin (Anthony Oseyemi), a poor immigrant, wants to bail out his daughter, but the corrupt cops won't let him, not even when he tries to speak Xhosa.  Khanyi shows up and threatens to do a news story on how corrupt they are, and they agree to let the daughter go.  Then she tells Akin how sexy he is and kisses him.  Presumably they've met before.

Daughter trashed her teacher's classroom because he made a bigoted comment.  Dad and Khanyi tell her to not make waves.

Scene 5: White Haired Guy's wife complains that he hasn't been eating or sleeping since he was connected with that murder.  Gee, I wonder why.

Cut to Khanyi and boyfriend and daughter discussing whether she should go see White-Haired Man  She hates him, but he sounds sick over the telephone, sothis may be her last chance. "Plus you can see your brother and Njabulo," Boyfriend's Daughter points out.

Meanwhile, Older Brother Mandla (Buyile Mdladla) complains to White Haired Guy that the company is going under because of him. Their contractors are cancelling.  They can't start the Very Important Project. "Tough.  I hate you. Get out!"

Old Brother storms out and calls his daughter to make sure the private jet is ready for his flight to Cape Town.  "Nope, White-Haired Guy reserved it for your sister Khanyi. She's flying in today."

"F*k!" he yells.  He hates flying commercial, and he hates Khanyi!

Scene 6: Khanyi arrives in the private jet. Older Brother calls: "Why the heck are you here!  You hate the family, and we hate you!" 

"Dad called.  He sounded sick, so this might be the last time I can see him."

"He's fine.  Besides, you hate him."

Scene 7: Younger Brother Siya (Mike Ndlangamandla) has his hair stroked by his wife while telling his son (Unathi Mkizhe) that he forgives him for flying the drone in the house, "Just don't do it again."  And they got him a diamond status credit card.  Some punishment.  

More after the break

Sherlock & Daughter: A late Victorian red thread case, with gay actors, a lesbian subtext, Dougray bum, and Kasper c*k

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Since Arthur Conan Doyle began publishing stories of the Baker Street detective and his...um...roomate, hundreds of movie and tv adaptions of the Sherlock Holmes mythos have appeared.  Many depict Sherlock and Watson as gay-subtext buddies or even boyfriends, but I don't hold much hope out for Sherlock & Daughter, now streaming on MAX. Having a daughter pegs him as heterosexual, and with those two sorting through clues, Dr. Watson is bound to be relegated to a few walk-on "Hello, old chap" lines.  

But David Thewlis (Sherlock) played gay poet Paul Verlaine against Leonardo DiCaprio's Rimbaud, and almost-gay Lupus in the Harry Potter movies.  And he has shown us his d*ck (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), so I'm reviewing the first episode anyway.

Scene 1: London, 1896 (Sherlock is in his mid 40s). He takes a hansom cab through a late-Victorian cityscape to the crime scene, a giant mansion, and greets Inspectors Bullivant and Whitlock (Aidan McArdle, left early photo).  The kidnappers dragged the boy from his room, but the maid intervened, and they fled.

Uh-oh, Sherlock finds a red string on the boy's wrist, refuses the case, and rushes out.  

"But his father is the Italian Ambassador." 

"Tough, I'm out."

Scene 2: New York, still 1896.  Amelia bursts into a cheap hotel, past the prostitutes, and gets a room.  A bellhop named Cooper (Kasper Andreasen) offers to carry her luggage, but he actually leads her to the alley and tries to rob her.  She pulverizes him, but he takes her purse anyway.

Left: Kasper Andreason, from Banbridge, Northern Ireland, hit the newspapers in 2017, when the 12--year old raised thousands of pounds for children with cancer with a paperclip swap.  In 2020, he flew to London to interview the stars of the movie 1917.  

Age 21 as of this writing, Kasper has five acting credits on the IMDB, including the paranormal teen Silverpoint and Mordlichter - Tod auf den Färöer Inseln, so I'm guessing that he's fluent in German.

A more...um...intimate portrayal after the break

At the steamship ticket office, Amelia has no more money, but she offers a blueprint for a machine that pasteurizes milk, so you can bring it on ships.  You're offering that to a ticket agent?  How about a CEO?  He doesn't want it, so how about her mother's watch?

Scene 3: Back on Baker Street, Sherlock looks at a mysterious letter he received, while his housekeeper, Mrs. Halligan, brings his dinner.  He rejects it: the egg is overcooked. 

She scoffs: she only agreed to help out because he's taken the case of the kidnapping of her sister, Mrs. Hudson, and Dr. Watson.  Why would that require you to take a job as his housekeeper? 

"Tough, it's simple instructions. 4 minutes 12 seconds to boil an egg for toast soldiers.  Go find someone with the brains to do it properly." Toast soldiers must be a Victorian thing.

When she storms out, he looks at the message: "Lamp in the window tonight to show you will observe the thread or Watson and Hudson (the housekeeper) will pay like your maid."  Next he opens a box with a red thread and severed finger.

Scene 4: On the steamer en route to London, Amelia is also playing with a red thread.  A rich girl in a pink cape approaches and starts flirting voraciously.  Careful, ladies: Oscar Wilde's trial just ended.

Oh, well, what the heck: let's change course for "Lesbos, where kisses, languishing or joyous, burning as the sun's light, cool as melons,  adorn the nights and the glorious days" (Baudelaire).

Back stories: Amelia's father lives on Baker Street (hint, hint), and the Girl's father is the new U.S. Ambassador to the U.K.  "By the way, Papa is throwing me a ball to celebrate my coming out. Won't you come as my date?" You're quite an ally, Dad.  Yes, I know she means coming out into society.

Uh-oh, the Girl's chaperone, Lady Violet, aka the Wicked Witch of the West, appears, drags her away, and warns Amelia to back off, or she'll put her in the brig. The Girl is going to marry the aristocrat that her parents choose; she doesn't have time for indulgences like lesbian romance!  

Scene 5: Amelia stays out of sight until they reach New York.  Then the Girl spots her, rushes up, and assures her that class distinctions are meaningless, they should become very close friends.  "Call on me anytime.  Anytime." 

Native American actress Blu Hunt (left) identifies as "super queer," and played a queer character on "The Originals."

Amelia makes her way through London's Chinatown, gets cruised by a prostitute (what, is she wearing a Pride flag?), barters food from an African lady, and finds a secluded park bench to sleep on.  Why not go directly to Baker Street and reunite with your Dad?

More after the break.