Link to the n ude dudes
Tony Cavalero has been promoting his new movie, Cold Wallet (2024), which just became available to stream: three friends invade the mansion of a crypto millionaire. I don't know what crypto is: some sort of fake money that can be used to buy real money?
Scene 1: Christmastime. Don and Billy (Tony, Raul Castillo) sing "Jingle Bell Rock" at karaoke night. Then Billy tells his bar buds -- all men. Is this a gay bar? -- how they can use cryptocurrency to get rich: "I've been reading Reddit and watching podcasts, and it's transforming lives!" He and Don buy a billion shares of crypto from Tulip and hug.
Cut to Christmas morning, with Billy dressed as Santa Claus bringing a present to his daughter. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 2. Thanks to crypto, he'll soon be able to buy a house, so she can come for weekend visits.
His ex-wife and her husband Justin are upset: his visitation isn't until next week. Hubbie threatens to call the police. He can't say hello on Christmas?
"And where do you get off, buying her a $2000 playstation, when you don't pay the mortgage on your house?" "I don't live here." Don't argue in front of the kid -- you'll traumatize her.
He checks his Tulip to demonstrate how rich he's getting. Wait -- the numbers are going down... negative $42,000? Help!
There's no one named Justin in the cast list, but there's an Evan, played by Logan Slater (n*de photo below).
Scene 2: Billy walking in desolation through an industrial neighborhood in the dark, crying. Wait -- where has he been all day?
So no more house in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, no more idyllic weekend visits with his daughter. And the comments section reveal many others who lost everything: "I'm a mom of three boys. My husband died six months ago. Tulip was supposed to help us..."
Reddit friend Eva Zero reveals that the CEO is alive -- he got a fake death certificate. He swindled them out of their money, and is now in hiding. She wants Billy to help her "take the f*cker down."
Scene 3: The gym. Billy wrestling with Don, his bud from Scene 1, who is all excited because Mr. Bautista, the owner, is letting him buy the place. Billy accidentally punches him in the nose, but he doesn't care because "chicks dig scars." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 11. They still have a gay-subtext buddy bond going on.
Billy breaks the news that crypto is dead, and they owe $67,000 in real money. Uh-oh, Don took out a loan to buy the gym. Plus Mr. Bautista was in trouble; the bank was about to foreclose. Now he and Mr. Bautista are both ruined.
Scene 4: They meet Reddit friend Eva Zero in a deserted AMC theater parking lot.
Cut to the trio buying guns at the ShopMart, then driving through the woods to Hegel's house, a gigantic Tudor. Billy knocks on the door, pretending to be delivering for DoorDash. The groundskeeper says that there's no one home, he has the wrong house, so get out!
Left: I think the groundskeeper is played by Allyn Burrows, who posed n*de in his younger days
More after the break
Scene 5: Don and Billy want to give up, but Eva insists that they "man up" and take down the f*cker. They'll just wait for the groundskeeper to leave, then break in.
Some time later, they manage to break in -- no alarm system? Uh-oh, Hegel (Josh Brener) is home! They accost him in his bedroom, but he claims that he doesn't have the cold wallets with him. This isn't his main house, it's a "random impulse" mansion. Besides, Tulip is dead; the crypto is worthless. That's why he faked his death.
Wait -- Don found some cold wallets! Success!
Problem: Eva tries to "list them" online, but she needs passphrases, and Hegel doesn't know them: they're in a safe deposit box at a bank in the Cayman Islands, with multiple layers of authentication. "How about some real money instead?" Nope, they want the crypto.
Don tries scaring him: "My friend wants to eliminate you, so you might consider handing over those passphrases."
Ok, ok, he'll call his assistant and ask her to have the safe deposit box with the passcodes airlifted over..
Scene 6: The assistant resists the idea, but agrees to take the private jet to the Caymans, get the passcodes, and bring them out by 7:00 am tomorrow. Wait -- the Caymans are in the same time zone as Massachusetts. It's the middle of the night. Banks won't open until 10:00 tomorrow.
Time to tie Hegel up and force him to tell the world that he is alive, and swindled them.
Scene 7: While they are waiting for morning, Hegel tries to turn Billy against the others with "you're smarter than them," and Don, with "are you going to let them push you around?"
Eva wants to know about why Hegel has 100 missed calls from a guy named Guy on his phone. "Something is going on that we dont' know about. What is it?", but Hegel just tries another "you're smarter than them" division strategy.
He offers each a fortune in real money to betray the others.
Scene 8: Uh-oh, the groundskeeper is back, wandering suspiciously through the house. Hey, Hegel has a Michelangelo's David! A queer code -- gay identity established at Minute 55. The trio tries to hide, but he sees them and pulls out a gun, and Billy shoots him. You just turned a corner, buddy.
Eva looks horrified. Dom and Billy start to cry. At that moment, Billy's daughter calls, and he has to pretend that everything is fine. Hegel uses the death to manipulate Billy: "The others are going to betray you. Kill them. You've taken one life. What's two more?"
Hegel's email includes a subscription to OnlyFriendz, which sounds like OnlyFans, the gay amateur porn site. He's gay.
Scene 9: Eva hacked an app that they can all use to airdrop the cold wallets, once the passcodes arrive. Hegel tells Billy that she is planning to betray him: "Multi-user apps are bull."
And tells Dom that Billy betrayed him: the Tulip site is a loan. Billy talked him into taking out a loan against the broker, which is why he now owes real money. Dom drops out of the scheme.
Eva hacks into Hegel's phone, and retrieves the messages from Guy: The feds are on the way to arrest you! Get out of the house, now!
This will not end well. I'm just going to fast forward to see if they all die.
Spoiler alert: Don dies. Billy forces Hegel to return the crypto before the feds arrive. He runs into the woods and collapses and dies, but not before his daughter gets $16,000,000 in real money.
Beefcake: None. It's very cold, even in the house.
Other Sights: The woods outside Hegel's house, dark and gloomy even in the daytime, with wind and snow blowing through. You can feel the cold.
Heterosexism: None. Most movies like this would have Eva and Billy hooking up at some point, but no one expresses any heterosexual interest, except for that one quip about girls being attracted to scars.
Gay Characters: Billy and Don have a gay-subtext relationship.
There are two statues of cute guys in Hegel's house, plus the OnlyFriends subscription. The Groundskeeper returning to the house long after his shift is over and just letting himself in -- maybe he's a boyfriend, not an employee.
My Grade: I still don't understand how crypto works, "everybody dies" is a trigger, and they could have been more explicit about Hegel being gay. C.
Bonus: Logan Slater, who actually doesn't look anything like the ex-wife's husband, but a d*ck is a d*ck.
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