It's the most heterosexist time of the year.
Here are 15 reasons to just skip it and spend December hiding out in yurt in Mongolia.
1. The Animated Specials: Unrelenting in their zeal in pairing up Santa Claus, Rudolph, and Frosty the Snowman with their female counterparts, while Burl Ives sings "Somebody waits for you -- kiss her once for me."
2. The TV Movies. Christmas Magic, A Christmas Kiss, A Bride for Christmas, Undercover Christmas. A lonely woman finds love with an unexpected man in a "Holiday Miracle." Over and over and over again.
3. The Nutcracker Ballet. Ok, so there are ample bulges and biceps to be seen, but it's a hetero-romance composed by a gay man.
5. The Songs. Men and women endlessly meeting each other under the mistletoe. Kids getting gender-polarized presents. And "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," the most depressing song ever written, part of the repertoire of Judy Garland, who believed -- with many gay people of her era -- that to be gay was to be constantly sad.
Did you know that the song was originally much more depressing? I'm not sure how that's possible, but the maven of depressing songs refused to sing it until it was cheered up from "throw yourself in front of a bus" to a mere "sob uncontrollably."
6. "Don we now our gay apparel." A reminder that the word "gay" previously meant something like "happy, giddy." Except today it's regularly censored, lest anyone's holiday celebrations be ruined by the recognition that gay people exist.
7. The Visit. You are required to wait at a crowded airport, sit in a packed airplane made even more cramped by bulky coats and packages, and go "home" to visit your birth family in the Straight World. But your heterosexual brother and sister are excused. The message is clear: they have their own home, but you don't. No matter how long they have lived in a place, no matter what social and emotional connections they have made, gay people have no "home."
8. The Dinner. Christmas Dinner back "home" involves endless discussions of heterosexual husbands and wives, boyfriend and girlfriends, but you are cautioned not to tell Aunt June about your boyfriend, lest her holiday be ruined.9. The Breakup. There are an extraordinary number of breakups just after Christmas. People who don't like their boyfriends or girlfriends always think things like "I can't ruin their Christmas by dumping them. But the day after..."
My problem has always been going "home" for 10 days and leaving the boyfriend back in West Hollywood or New York or Florida. The vultures start circling immediately, bulging and flexing and cruising, and when I get back, I'm welcomed by "I didn't plan on it -- it just happened."
10. The Parties. They never end. Various offices, departments, schools, organizations, miscellaneous groups of friends. 10 or more before the season is over -- if you're lucky.
Roomsful of people who don't know you're gay, forcing you to come out endlessly and get surprised reactions, or else endure heterosexist small talk and flirting from every heterosexual Cougar in sight.
And endless supplies of cookies, candy, cakes, bars, and whatever other high-fat, high-sugar horrors that can be decorated in gaudy colors.
12. Santa Claus. Fat, elderly, married, and wearing red. The antithesis of a gay icon.
13. The Salvation Army, which teaches that gay people should be stoned to death, is out in numbers ringing those little bells, and people are tossing money in gladly, emphasizing how thin the veneer of tolerance is -- at any moment, "I don't have any problem with you people" could change to screaming.
14. "A Perfect Holiday Gift." TV commercials and ads call it "the holidays," but they mean Christmas only, showing only Christmas traditions and ending summarily on December 26th, even though there is still New Year's Eve, Kwanzaa, and sometimes Ramadan and Hanukah left.
Gay people hear quite enough of this "universal" means "only us" claptrap:
She's every man's fantasy.
Every woman wants him; every man wants to be him.
There's not a man alive who wouldn't want to get with her.
Every boy "discovers" girls during adolescence.
15. "Cheer up, it's Christmas." You are required to feel ecstatic all the time. Even the most upbeat person can't be up all day, every day, but if you experience even a moment of melancholy, there are 3000 people waiting to tell you that there's something wrong with you, you're a Scrooge or a Grinch.Gay people hear quite enough of this "You must feel a certain way" claptrap:
You're not really gay. You just haven't met the right person yet.
How do you know you're gay if you haven't tried it with a woman?
Ok, so you're gay, but don't tell me you would kick her out of bed!
But at least there are Pantomimes in England, and the Santa Speedo Run in Boston.
See also:
Rankin and Bass actually had a whole Christmas universe. Including the obligatory "most ambitious crossover ever". But the entire "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" thing is the worst. First, the song is 90s kitsch at its worst. You remember Big Mouth Billy Bass? This is the Big Mouth Billy Bass of Christmas songs. (Admittedly a decade or two early for millennial nihilism. Yummy Tide Pods.) Secondly, yeah, no one is going to believe Santa Claus did it. Thirdly, the song is bowdlerized for the animated special.
ReplyDeleteI swear, the Salvation Army is why le centrist can conclude that policies favoring billionaires are all about gay rights. Them and Human Rights Campaign.
And you may be fully acclimated to SoCal and then go back to a Midwestern winter.
To be fair, Aunt June also has issues with your cousin marrying "that colored boy". She's not racist, she just doesn't believe the races should mix.
One pro of being bi is being able to ensure all that straightness. But then if you being a boyfriend, it leads to constant explanations of "Hey I like girls too." Because clearly if X is possible and Y is possible then X AND Y is impossible.
My least favorite decoration are these plastic cones that are supposed to be trees. They came in red, green, orange(!), cyan, and magenta. Cyan and magenta literally are the opposite of Christmas colors.
Right now I find it funny because Hanukkah is over so early, but Wal-Mart still plays an English version of "Oy Hanukkah" on the loudspeaker. I'm like "You no doubt have a camera in your men's room and have seen my uncut cock on numerous occasions, and *I* know this is wrong."
I disagree about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special. It is very gay! ALL the lead characters are "misfits." From Rudolph who has to be closeted about his red nose, to Hermie the Elf, who wants to be a dentist, talks with a lisp, and features the gayest hairdo in the Northpole. There's even a whole Island of Misfit Toys. And while some of the toy misfits there are obvious --Charlie-in-the-Box comes to mind-- what about the little rag doll? No explanation why she is a misfit. Could she possibly be Lesbian? Hmmmm. A dissertation could be written about all the not so hidden gay aspects of Rudolph! I love that show.
ReplyDeleteThe presence of outsiders/outcasts, "Why don't I fit in," is often used to queer the text, but I look for same-sex relationships and the absence of heterosexual desire. Rudolph and Hermie don't seem to be romantically interested in each other, and each gets a girlfriend,Clarice ("she thinks I'm cute") and an unnmaed elf girl at the party. Plus "Holly Jolly Christmas":"Somebody waits for you,kiss her once for me," presuming that Burl Ives is addressing a man.
DeleteRudolph was made in the 60s and, though it does conform somewhat to the heterosexual stereotypes of the era, I find its message of "outcasts and nonconformists can be contributing members of society and should be celebrated" to be positive --if not even a little radical, as well. And Clarice strikes me more as a friendly ally than a love interest. Most of my friends growing up were girls and were supportive when I came out. I bet Clarice has got Rudolph's back, too.
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