"Adventure Beast": We Live on a Queer Planet

 

Big bear Bradley Trevor Greive, the "Tasmanian Grizzly," has sold over 25 million copies of his self-help and inspirational books like Dear Dad, Friends to the End, and The Simple Truth about Love.  He is also involved with print cartoons, tv, movies, stage shows, nature conservation, Russian cosmonaut training, and...well, he's written a book titled The Book for People Who Do Too Much.

He's married to a woman, and his books don't seem to be gay-inclusive: they're all about male-female romance and male-male friendship, no male-male romance.  A search on "Bradley Trevor Greive" and "gay" revealed only a comment from his book Looking for Mr. Right, advice for women on how to find a man:  "just because you're caring and sensitive doesn't make you gay."  But his new animated series, Adventure Beast, has an episode entitled "We Live on a Queer Planet," so I watched.

Scene 1:  Bradley (voicing himself), an "international animal expert," in the green room of a late-night talk show.  His niece/assistant Bonnie wrangles the animals: bats, a cave louse, cassowary, black swans.  Nerd assistant Dietrich (Josh Zuckerman, left) is star-struck over another guest, Canadian reality show star Nolan Tremble, twice voted Canada's sexiest man (so Dietrich is gay?).  Bradley's tuxedo is too tight, so he changes into his field clothes in front of them (no skin).  They are disgusted.  I guess Dietrich isn't gay after all.

Scene 2: The stage manager sees the black swans cuddling, and exclaims "Men and women!  It never works out."  Bradley explains that they're both male.  25% of male black swans are gay.  They mate for life, and raise a female's fertilized egg as their own.  Stage manager doesn't believe it, so he continues: almost every animal species exhibits queer behavior. 

Scene 3: We switch to see cuddling giraffes.  Bradley; "90% of male giraffe's behavior is 'homosexual.'"  (Yes, he uses the h-word).  Bonnie: "Just like me in high school."  Bradley is upset by the revelation, but goes on to show us male lions, water buffalos, mountain goats, and elephants screwing for fun and to achieve social harmony.  Female hyenas engage in oral sex (both male and female hyenas have penis-like organs).   Bonobo chimps are all bisexual, and use sex for conflict resolution.

Scene 4: Back in the green room, Stage manage decides to make his whole segment about queer animals, but "keep it G-Rated."  Uh-oh, the cassowary has broken through the wall and escaped! 

Sorry, I tried to download a picture of a cassowary, but the first five photos I tried were .jfifs, not .jpgs, so forget it.

Scene 5: We switch to the wild for more factoids.  Male cassowaries are usually docile, stay-at-home dads who sit on the eggs while the females hunt.   

Scene 6: Back to the cassowary destroying everything.  They find the swans cuddling in a closet.  Bonnie remembers her closet make-out session in middle school, with a boy and a girl.

The cassowary has retreated to the ladies' room.  Bradley and Dietrich are afraid to follow, since men must never go in there. Dietrich says that he accidentally went into a ladies' room once, and was shocked to discover that there weren't any urinals.  "I have so many questions!" he exclaims.  Bradley rolls his eyes.  So Dietrich doesn't know that some people have nothing to aim with at urinals?   Even I know that!

Bradley notes that gender norms are not so strictly defined in nature: if there aren[t any males around to have sex with, female reed frogs will change to male.  Banana slugs have male and female genitals.  Whiptail lizards are all female.  ("I like the sound of that," Dietrich says sleazily.).  

Scene 7: They chase the cassowary out of the studio and onto the lot.  The stage manager fetches them: it's time to go on.  Bradley is introduced, and displays the gay swans, "just in time for Pride Month"  Then the bats fly in.  They commonly fellate each other when the females are in estrus.   Bradley starts discussing animal penises, while the host gets uncomfortable.  Of course, most animals don't have penises or vaginas.  

Scene 8: Nolan's dressing room is in shambles, and he's lying in a pool of blood, with little Xs over his eyes.  "The cassowary killed Nolan!" Dietrich exclaims.  They have to subdue the bird before it kills again!

Scene 9:  The cassowary is on the main stage, squaking at the host and the studio audience.  It latches onto Dietrich, and sits on his head as if it was an egg.  They put a bag on its head to subdue it.

Scene 10: The stage manager wants Bradley to be a regular guest, but he refuses.  The end.

A strange juxtaposition of acknowledging queer animals but feeling discomfort with human queerness.  The plot was minimal, primarily a vehicle for administering factoids.  Lots of blood and gore.  Lots of sex jokes.  My grade: C+