"Suicide Squad": "I support the LGBT community. So come see my movie about how every guy wants a Woman."

 

Last night's Movie Night selection was Suicide Squad (2016), set in DC's attempt to replicate the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  I have rarely hated a movie more.  Aside from the endless fight scenes and utter lack of a coherent story, it is constantly yelling "Isn't being heterosexual great?  Aren't you glad that everyone in this movie is heterosexual?  Aren't you glad that everyone in the audience is heterosexual?  Heterosexuals rule!"

The plot, as far as I can gather: a mild-mannered archaeologist gets possessed by a 6,000-year old Mesoamerican sorceress, but no one thought of hiring a Hispanic woman for the role: she's a Stockard Channing lookalike in a half-naked "Look, I have boobs!" outfit.  She resurrects her brother, creates an army of rock-soldiers one at a time, and sets about to destroy all humans (later amended to just destroying human armies, so she can rule the world).

In order to save the world and rescue the Woman He Loves, mild-mannered archaeologist's boyfriend (Joel Kinnaman, top photo) assembles a group of a metahuman criminals who are being brutally tortured in a prison in Louisiana. He offers them 10 years off their sentences, whereupon they can "get women!"  

 There are some hunks among them, but they are all covered with grotesque makeup (except for the only woman, who is wearing a half-naked "Look, I have boobs!" outfit)..

1. Deadshot (Will Smith), a hit man who "never misses" and wants to regain the custody of his daughter.

2. Harley Quinn,  psychiatrist turned psycho (so young that she must have gotten her M.D. at age 12).  Girlfriend of The Joker (Jared Leto), who demonstrates how crazy he is by flirting with men. "He's so out of it that he doesn't realize that's a DUDE, har har!" 

3. Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney, left), who throws boomerangs.

4. El Diablo (Jay Hernandez, left), who can instantly incinerate hundreds of people, but refuses to use his power because he accidentally killed his Wife and Kids.

5. Killer Croc, who looks like Marvel Comics' Thing and lives underwater.

6. Eventually they are joined by Katana, a Japanese warrior stereotype who is mourning her Dead Husband, trapped in her katana.

What follows is a lot of battles, most of which don't seem to have a point except to make big shiny things explode.  After about 50 minutes of screen time, the group takes a break to bond, discuss estranged wives and girlfriends (or, in the case of Harley Quinn, flirt with the guys).  

Then they move forward to take on the Big Bad, who tempts them by offering "what you really want."  Guess what they all want: a wife and kids (or, in Harley Quinn's case, a  husband and kids), a heterosexual nuclear family where the wife bakes cookies while the husband mows the lawn, and the kids wait arouond to be hugged.   The whole job, house, wife, kids trajectory that I thought of as a soul-destroying trap when I was growing up, is the ultimate goal of human existence!  

The "Look, I have boobs!" Stockard Channing lookalike is defeated, mild-mannered archaeologist returns to smooch with her boyfriend, and the criminals are returned to prison!  No amnesty after saving the world!  Except Harley Quinn is broken out by her boyfriend, the Joker.   The end.

The insulting heterosexist ijit who wrote this dreck (I mean created, since there isn't much dialogue, but someone had  to say "Show more boobs!  And for God's sake, cover up the guys! And add another scene showing the wife and kids that all men want!'),  His name is David Ayer, whose twitter account lists his pronouns "Because I support trans rights and the LGBTQ+ community."  They just can't exist in my movies.

At least no one in the movie made a homophobic comment.  Not even Will Smith.

Strangely, the 2021 sequel was much more inclusive.  See: "The Suicide Squad: 2 Gay Hints, 2 Hunks in their Underwear, and 3,258 Corpses."