I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason. The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love. The twist: Big City is a guy! It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!
Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC. Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives. He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone! At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay. Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend?
"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other." So they've met? Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?
"The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases." Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude.
More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado. 10,000 to one he finds love there.
Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt! If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it
Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below). She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years. Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.
"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks.
High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so." Her certainty is another clue.
Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?"
"Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?" Tell him what, Mom? What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?
"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"
"What could I say: you guys are both gay?" The big reveal! Why all the circumlocution and misdirection? Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror.
Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too? So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.
Scene 3: Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground.
Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going." Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job. Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!
Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt. Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem. So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?
At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath, misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.
Then he brings up the real reason for his visit: he wants Mom to sell the ranch! "It's prime real estate today, and Santa's Workshop isn't making any money." The others act as if he's proposing eating babies.
"This is your mother's home," High School Girlfriend says through gritted teeth. "This is all she has." Calm yourself, Girl -- Wyatt isn't kicking Mom out onto the street. I checked current listings: Colorado ranches go from $2-15 million.
Mom starts crying. "So this is why you came home -- to destroy my life? To spit on your father's grave?"
"Well, that's not the only reason. I wanted to eat some babies, too."
Scene 5: Night. Mom reconsiders the proposal: "If I sell, I'll be crying and miserable for the rest of my life, but at least I'll be crying and miserable on a yacht."
Meanwhile, Wyatt twirls his handlebar moustache, says "Nyah-hah-hah," puts his $5,000 watch on the nightstand, and prepares for bed. Looking for a blanket, he finds an old photo album of him being a joyful, "family-is-everything" kid, and sighs with nostalgia.
Scene 6: Morning. The Grinch...um. I mean Wyatt...visits Dash, his old horse, who is upset over him not calling or writing for five years: he turns his back, refusing a sugar cube.
Heath enters with hay, and criticizes Wyatt for abandoning the horse. But Wyatt doesn't believe that horses feel such things: "Humans are incapable of loving someone for their entire life, so why would a stallion..."
They argue about whether True Love exists. Wyatt wants to know why Heath came to work on the ranch, instead of looking for big bucks in the big city. Because small towns are infinitely fulfilling, of course.
Scene 7: Wyatt tries to use human emotions to convince Mom to sell: She's not happy here anymore. She's let her garden go. She never has friends over for dinner.
They discuss Carlos, her ex-boyfriend: she dumped him when he retired. Ageist, Mom? He owns the lot next door, but he's not developing it.
Next: "Isn't Heath wonderful with the customers and horses." "No, he's awful. I'm much better than him. I seduce millionaires into investing all of their money into my shady hedge funds." So that's how you get them to invest? Whip it out, and they're signing.
Scene 8: Heath appears to criticize Wyatt for not caring about anything but money. He has an idea to save the ranch: instead of tired old sleigh rides, start giving riding lessons. Plus use the empty stalls for boarding, like when horse owners go on vacation. Wyatt: "Those plans are ridiculous, and you're an idiot, and I have a bigger cock."
That night, Heath and Ex-Girlfriend are at some sort of Christmas festival. He complains: "Wyatt is impossible!" Uh-oh, that's movie code for "sexy." "He's a heartless, soulless, money-grubbing..."
Ex-Girlfriend mentions that he is paying to keep the ranch going. Otherwise they'd have been bankrupt years ago. "He's even paying your salary, Buddy." Here's an idea, Heath: marry the boss's son. That way you'll still be around even after the ranch is sold. Problem: the guys still think that the other is straight.
Scene 9: Dinnertime. Does Heath eat with the boss every night? Doesn't he have his own place? Doesn't he have any other friends? Gay friends, for instance.
I'm running low on space, so I'll just give the highlights: Heath and Wyatt talk, go horseback riding together (nice scenery), reunite with "the star cheerleader" and her "handsome hubby" (proably Brando White, left), go dancing (boy-girl only, grr).
They see each other bulging in their underwear, dance again (boy-boy, but on an empty veranda, grr), and kiss.
Beefcake: Some underwear shots.
Gay Characters: Just the two guys.
Self-Referential Romcom Cliches: Lots.
Misdirections: I know that the misdirections are there to ease in homophobic viewers, but they are so over-the-top that they make viewing fun for everyone.
Pop Quiz: Do Wyatt and Heath a) save the ranch and live there forever, the only gay guys within 200 miles; or b) move to Wyatt's majestic loft in the East Village, where they can have gay friends?
There are a lot of bulge and butt pics, including Neil Patrick Harris, who isn't even in the movie, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.
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