Apr 14, 2026

Gemstones Episode 4.8: We finally see Big D*ck Mitch. Plus a serial killer, Pontius' boyfriend, Tyler's tree trunk, and a lot of tied-up guys

**Link to the n*de dudes**

Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life." I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake. Or a gator.

A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony." He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage.

Jesse, watching on tv, tells Amber "I f*cking love this." Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man." They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."

The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ. Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches." So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.

They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured. He wants to keep it.

Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette. Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straithjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.

The Monkey smokes! Kelvin and Keefe want to get one; it would be a great addition to Game Night. So they have a Game Night? Who do they invite, gay couples?

Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to...you know.

The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier. Hey, that will electrocute her! He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me." BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.

She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho). I'm not sure about the significance.

BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that they should give him to someone who needs his help.

Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody, to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age. "He was beautiful, and he believed in me." I fast-forwarded through the scene. F*k the Sadness.

Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, not even at the gym, so I'll F*k the Sadness with a random bear with a similar face and physique (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Ok, we've had the Sad Scene. Now let's try for some Comedy.

Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!

Cut to Baby Billy snorting co*caine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine. Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a v*irgin mother.

Cut! No V*irgin Mom in the script! No ad-libbing. "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!" I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.

Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more co*caine.

Cobb's Invitation: Lori is sitting outside her house, being depressed. Corey suggests that she call Eli, but she refuses; "And why do you care who I date?" Because due to the breakup, he can't invite his oldest friends, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, to his upcoming birthday party.

Lori: "Invite whoever you want. I promise to be on my best behavior."

Cory: "Great, I'm inviting Daddy." Uh-oh.

Cut to Corey's party. He's disappointed that the Gemstones didn't show up. His wife sent an evite, so they had to have seen it.

The Rambo Blade: Daddy Cobb appears while Corey is barbecuing. His gift: a Gil Hibben original knife. According to his website, Gil Hibben began designing knives in 1957. He pioneered the use of 440c as blade steel and was the first to successfully develop a mirror finish on blades.

If you're not a bladesmith, these details might not be of substantial interest, but what about this: Gil designed the knives used in the Rambo movies and The Expendables, and is the Official Armourer of the Klingon Empire for the Star Trek franchise. He is assisted by his sons, Wesley (left) and Derek.

I doubt that Wesley is actually posing for gay Silver Fox websites, but you never know. I posted a photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Corey doesn't seem to like the gift; he smiles weakly, thanks his dad, and puts it back in the scabbard.

Next, Cobb wants to know if Eli and Lori have broken up yet. Corey doesn't want to talk about it; obsessing over Eli is unhealthy. Cobb calls him a "little bitch" and slaps him.

"You think you can still do that?" Corey asks. Abuse in his past.

"I just did."

Lori is in the kitchen washing dishes and saying goodbye to the departing guests, when Cobb appears to hassle her. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to Eli, like it happened to Big D*ck Mitch. Several of Lori's boyfriends have disappeared or died. Have you been killing all of them, for the last twenty years?

After Cobb proclaims that no "real man" will ever love her the way he does, Lori orders him out.

Later, while Corey is repairing the window that the brick shattered (wasn't that like a month ago?), Lori complains that Eli is not responding to her calls and texts. "Do you think Cobb would ever try to hurt him?"

Corey responds "No," but he looks worried. Why would he want to hurt Eli after they have broken up?

Turning Hardcore: On the set, Teenjus and his buds face off against the rival team. The leader proclaims "You ain't got what it takes...we got this dance contest in the bag."

All Shook Up: I think the Rival Leader is played by Tyler Goodhall, top photo and potential tree trunk on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Righteous Gemstones is his only on-screen credit, but he has been involved in community and high school theater, starring in Grease, Into the Woods, and All Shook Up.

In response to the challenge, Teenjus begins a rap. God then gives him the power to heal a disabled person, a sort of parallel to BJ regaining his mobility earlier.

It is actually a disappointing performance, cheesy, with no beefcake but a trio of female singer and a scantily-clad belly dancer.

Baby Billy stops the filming and criticizes Eli, playing a priest, for not being gleeful enough.

Cut to Eli and Baby Billy at lunch. Lori calls; Baby Billy advises not answering. Find somebody else, a "big girl." She's trying to warn you about Cobb's threat, jackass.

Murders and Big D*ck Mitch coming up.

The Songs Aimee-Leigh and Lori Wrote: The siblings are ending a very long board meeting. They're anxious to go home, but Martin insists on bringing in one last visitor. What is he, their receptionist?

It's Lori! She needs to talk to Eli, but he won't answer her calls or texts. They growl and posture, and yell about how much they hate her, until she proves that she loved Aimee-Leigh by telling the stories behind her most famous songs: "Little Angels, Big Hearts," "Barefoot and Praying," and "Heaven's Thunder."

Big D*ck Mitch: After their lunch, Eli and Baby Billy get into their car. Suddenly they get darted, and go unconscious! Cobb grabbed them in the middle of the afternoon , in the parking lot of a busy restaurant?

They awaken several hours later, tied up in a concrete room, with a n*ked, collared man who says he was kidnapped.

Eli: "Are you Big D*ck Mitch?"

Baby Billy: "That's an odd thing to comment on." Dude can't help it if he likes d*cks, Baby Billy. Remember, he dated Junior.

There are two pictures of Mitch on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. Notice that Mitch is actually quite small. Lori would know this. I think Cobb gave him the nickname to embarrass him, and told his son -- uh-oh, Corey is in on it, or at least aware of it and protecting Cobb.

Mitch is played by Regan Burns, an actor and comedian best known as the Dad on Dog with a Blog He has 83 credits on the IMDB.

Cobb enters and introduces Mitch as "a good boy," using a taser to keep him cowering. He explains that "I keep Mitch alive because he entertains me," implying that he usually kills Lori's boyfriends.

He's not sure if he will kill Eli and Baby Billy, or break them down, "see how long it takes you to crack, make y'all my womans."

"You ain't gonna make me a woman!" Baby Billy exclaims.

"I'll make you whatever I want." He unzips and pulls it out (unseen). Mitch whimpers as he starts to lower into position. Then suddenly Stacy pages him: "the police are here. They'd like a word."

Stacy is actually a guy, played by Michael Berthold. Cobb seems to be promoting traditional hegemonic masculinity with the contention that someone who plays a passive role in bedroom activity is a "woman," yet he doesn't seem bothered by a long-haired, androgynous boy with a girl's name?

Michael Berthold grew up in Apopka, north of Orlando, Florida, and as of this writing is a student at the University of Florida, Gainsville. He has 28 acting credits on the IMDB, including Billy the Fetus (2016), for which he won a Young Actors Award, and The Peanut Butter Falcon (2019), where he worked with Shia LaBeouf.

And he owns a Great Dane.

I like him so much that I'm writing fan fiction where he dates Pontius.

N*de photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Back to the Milsap Gator Farm: The police officers tell Cobb that they are investigating a missing person, Big D*ck Mitch, based on a tip from Lori. Cobb complains that it's his ex-wife, always trying to get him in trouble. The cops are sympathetic; they bond over discussions of divorce, and he gives them popcorn.

Meanwhile, in their chamber, Mitch is delusional, thinking that Eli and Baby Billy are at his car dealership.

They are already worried about being r*ped by Cobb, but this is much worse. They manage to get out of their ropes. Dumb move, Cobb! Everybody knows that you handcuff your kidnapping victims.

Cobb escort the cops out into the parking lot. Suddenly Mitch comes running past, whimpering. Wait -- how did they escape? Did that idiot forget to lock the door?

In response, Cobb shoots the cops in the head, killing them both!

Hearing the gunshots, Baby Billy asks "Do you think he got Big D*k?" That's funny, almost like "do you think he got a big d*k?"

Cobb goes to his security room to check the monitors for Eli and Baby Billy. A dozen monitors? You need all that to catch people shoplifting from the gift shop?

Stacy comes in, ready to go home for the night, and asking if he can have July 4th off. Sure. He thinks of more chores until Cobb, frustrated, says "Leave, or I'm going to fucking kill you."

Stacy chuckles, thinking that Cobb is being paternal, saying something like "You've worked enough. Get the heck out of here, and go home." But then he glances at a monitor and sees Eli and Baby Billy running through the park. "Should I..."

Cobb casually shoots and kills him. Actually, I don't remember if he is shot in the head or the shoulder, and I'm not going to rewatch to check.

He ambushes Baby Billy and Eli in the serpentarium, and chases them out onto the alligator dock. He tries to shoot, but his gun is out of bullets. Baby Billy runs away; Eli fights. Remember, he used to be a professional wrestler.

But Cobb still has his taser. He shocks Eli repeatedly, and asks "Was she worth it? Better than Aimee-Leigh?" Baby Billy snorts some cocaine and runs to the rescue. Nope -- Cobb decks him and stomps on his balls.

Suddenly Corey jumps out of nowhere and stabs his father. Cobb is upset over being stabbed, but happy that his son made use of his birthday knife.

Next Corey pushes him into the lagoon. Wait -- Cobb is incapacitated. Corey is not just rescuing Eli and Baby Billy, he is retaliating for the paternal abuse.

Eli rings the bell for Old Gus the Gator -- dinner time! Chomp, chomp.

"How did you know?" Eli asks.

"Mama was worried about you. I came to check on things." With your birthday knife? I'll bet you knew about Big D*ck Mitch. And your original antipathy toward your Mom and Eli getting together was based on fear of Cobb.

Cut to the paramedics examining Baby Billy and Eli while the police interview Corey (presumably the ambulance carrying Stacy has already left). The loved ones arrive. The siblings hug Eli, Lori Corey, Tiffany and the Nanny Baby Billy. Did they leave the kids home alone? Then Lori and Eli break from their groups to hug each other. So I guess they're back together?

The closing song is "Grace," by the Idles:

Make me safe, away from harm
Hold me in my brother's arms.
No God, no king. I said love is the thing.

The end.

Bonus: This review was a little beefcake-light, so I'm adding another Regan picture and some pics of guys involved in consensual B*DSM scenes (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Next: Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some c*cks to get you through it