Cracow Monsters (2022) sounds like a Polish version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: a teacher and his students, notably the Chosen One, fight demons. Poland is the home of the "no gays allowed" cities, so there won't be any gay characters. But maybe there will be some subtexts.
Scene 1: A scuzzy-looking, greasy-haired yooung woman roams a sleazy black-and-white bar, guzzling other people's drinks. She approaches a scuzzy, dirty-haired guy, who asks if she's in med school: only med students drink that much.
She hasn'd decided who she's going to sleep with tonight, so he offers to help: "Do you like boys or girls?" Whoa, recognition that gay people exist in the first minute! She hasn't decided that yet, either. She goes onto the dance floor and kisses a girl, then a boy, then flashes back to a memory of yelling while her mother drove erratically.
Scene 2: The woman -- Alex -- awakens in bed, being screwed by a monster. Then she wakes up again, next to her actual bed partner (a cute boy), takes some pills, and goes to the kitchen to eat. Still a black-and-white world.
Her roommate wonders why she is awake at 3:00 am. She snarls "Don't psychoanalyze me. I'm broken. You can't fix me. Let me just lose myself in sex and drugs." She goes back to the bedroom, starts screaming, and orders the boy in her bed out -- NOW! (Some chest and back shots as he rushes out).
She settles down to studying her Forensic Psychology textbook (in English). Close up of the cover blurb: author Jon Zawordski (Andrjez Chyra, left) is famous, innovative, and so on.
Scene 3: Alex, who still hasn't washed her hair or cleaned the makeup stains from her face, is in a grocery store, getting her morning coffee. She sees a homeless boy trying to return empty bottles for the deposit -- unsuccessfully -- and buys him a hot dog. Just to demonstrate that she's nice as well as crazy. Then it's off to the university in the rain. At least we have color!
A giant lecture hall to take the entrance exam for getting into Professor Zaworski's class. The Hot Teaching Assistant criticizes her for being a freshman.
Scene 4: A giant construction zone. It's raining; workers dig in the mud. (The homeless boy walks past in the rain, for no apparent reason). The workers find a weird three-legged statue. The foreman grabs it, hears weird chanting, and takes it away. Reminds me of the Warner Brothers cartoon "One Froggy Evening," where a constrution worker finds a box containing a singing frog. But it only sings for him.
Scene 5: Zaworski's huge, book-lined office. Hot Teaching Assistant (Stanislaw Linowski) has graded all the tests; no one of interest. But Zaworski is drawn to Alex's test (of course -- otherwise be lousy story). They google her: and find a hot shirtless guy narrating a paranormal tv show: As a little girl, Alex survived a horrific auto accident, and was trapped in the car with her mother's corpse for several days. Later, she survived another accident at the beach, where five other kids drowned. Is she cursed? Sounds like the opposite to me.
Zaworski rushes to catch up to Alex (she's just leaving?), but a scary skinless humanoid being stands in his way.
Meanwhile, the foreman drives away with the scary three-legged statue.
Scene 6: Zaworski leafing through an old book (why are they never modern paperbacks? There are over 60,000 paperback books on the occult advertised on Amazon.) He comes to a demon named Aitvaras, which looks like a humanoid salamander. He smiles.
Meanwhile, Alex comes across a picture of her mother and burns it with a cigarette. Not very close to Mom, were you?
Scene 7: Zaworski goes into Hunky Teaching Assistant's bedroom to wake him up (beefcake in black underwear). "Has something happened?" Zaworski just stares. "No -- it can't be! You promised me that last time would be the end of it!"
Scene 8: Alex at the sleazy bar, still allergic to shampoo. Tonight she cruises a girl. but when Hunky Teaching Assistant comes in, the potential trick flees. If he's a demon-slayer, does that mean that she was a demon? Oh, well, he's hot, he'll do.
They go for a drive. Suddenly Hunky Teaching Assistant revvs the motor and bails, leaving Alex trapped in the passenger seat. The car goes off a cliff! Alex almost drowns, but she is rescued by the salamander-demon Aitvaras.
Scene 9: Alex awakens in her bed , wondering if it was a dream. Uh-oh, the Dean has summoned her. But it's good news: she's been accepted into Zaworski's study group. All of the students live together, so she has to move.
Alex calls her grandma to tell her about the study group, but Grandma isn't impressed: "Evil has awakened. Leave Krakow! It's not safe!"
Scene 10: Zaworski's scary mansion. HunkyTeaching Assistant answers the door. She interrogates him about the murder attempt last night, but he claims that she just passed out from drugs.
A long-haired hippie chick examines her height, eyes, and hands, and says "You'll do." She leads Alex up some stairs and through a museum to her room.
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Scene 10: Alex is awakened by a humanoid with a giant hole instead of a face. Then she wakes up for real. Just a dream! But there are claw marks on her neck and shoulders.
She goes downstairs. The other members of the study group are noshing in the kitchen. Isn't it the middle of the night? Gigi (Daniel Namiotka, left), tries to kiss stringy-haired boy, who moves away. Then a cleancut boy (Stanislaw Cywka, top photo), who just laughs. Gay, or trying to upset them by rousing their homophobia? Check to see if Gigi is a girl's name in Poland.
Hippie Chick invites Alex to join in their game, analyzing their nightmares for clues to their past lives. This reminds me of the group of sleep-deprived kids in Nightmare on Elm Street 2. One of whom is gay. Maybe Gigi is gay, too. Alex isn't up for it, and leaves.
Scene 11: Alex, in her room, overhears Hunky Teaching Assistant talking to Zawordski. "I've never seen anything like it!" Zawordski: "She's our ninth. We can begin." Wait -- I thought they weren't planning on "it" happening again? "Just don't scare here away."
But Alex is scared away. She rushes out into the rain-drenched street. Well, that's what you get for discussing your diabolical plan right in front of her door. Hunky Teaching Assistant goes after her.
She comes across the Homeless Boy standing in the rain, chanting in Old Church Slavonic (like Latin). He runs; she chases him through the deserted streets. into a graffiti-filled building, and up some stairs into a deserted apartment. Except for a monster with a death's head and bat wings, which attacks the boy. Fortunately, water makes it burst into flame (maybe Krakow, where it's always raining, was the wrong place to manifest, Demon?). She pulls down the water pipes and kills it.
The boy is catatonic. Alex yells "Wake up!" and desperately performs CPR while the salamander demon looks on. The end.
Beefcake: Some guys with their shirts off and in underwear.
Other Sights: Mostly dark sets, blue-black darkness, and pouring rain. Very unpleasant.
Gay Characters: Alex starts off as bisexual, but 100 to 1 she only sleeps with Hot Teaching Assistant from now on. I don't know about Gigi (Polish for "Grandma").
Will I Keep Watching: Maybe to see if there are any more gay references.
Best commentary I have ever seen for a show like this. I was watching and reading simultaneously. I also feel a bit annoyed by the teaching assistant for cockblocking Alex and the girl at the bar.
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