"Florida Man": Edgar Ramirez solves a murder in a beefcake-free Florida. So I'm including his butt and dick for free

Florida Man: 98% match on Netflix!  That's quite impressive.  There must be a lot of hunks in Speedos, or gay guys who aren't queerbaiting, or something.  Or maybe it's just because I lived in Florida for four years, and I like men. 

Left: Random Florida hunk

Link to NSFW review

Scene 1: A Gambler's Anonymous meeting.  Mike (Edgar Ramirez) notes that his gambling lost him his wife and his job.  Heterosexual identity established, we move on.

Scene 2: Mike is working as an enforcer for a mobster, the Super Hunk Moss Yakov (Emory Cohen) He tracks down Gil (Nick Basta)  at a hardware store, criticizes his weight, and then chases him to the loading dock, whereupon Gil falls and breaks his legs.

Later, Mike meets up with his ex-wife, a standard hot-woman-with-chubby-guy arrangement. He returns the ring that he pawned, but she still won't take him back. Having just been made detective, she asks for his help getting at the gangster Moss Yankov.  He refuses.

Scene 3:  Super Hunk accosts Gil from Scene 2.  Gil offers sunken treasure instead of the money he owes, but Super Hunk says no.  

Cut to a woman with her boobs showing and the hair of a country-western singer sits at her vanity, next to a framed portrait of her boobs.  Apparently boobs are uncommon, so the camera has to give us a good look, in case we've never seen any before.  Gil is getting beat up downstairs, so this must be his house or Super-Hunk's house.

How can she concentrate on her make-up with all that screaming?  I agree; that's what enforcers are for. 

She storms downstairs, as the camera shows us the rest of her body. Ever hear of a bathrobe, lady?  "Super-Hunk, it's my birthday!  When are you going to be done with work so we can go out?"

Scene 4: Mike is now the chauffeur, driving Super-Hunk and Boob Lady to somewhere fancy in downtown Philadelphia. He checks out her butt as she walks past.  

At dinner, Super-Hunk gives Boob Lady her birthday present, a fancy necklace.  But there's a girl's hair in the clasp!  So he got it off a corpse?  Upset, she storms out. Super-Hunk tells Mike to get her home ok.

Scene 5: Mike follows Boob Lady down the street, joking that it looks like he is stalking her.  She's not up for a joke.  He offers to take her to a club instead of going straight home.

Scene 6: A fancy dance club. Boob Lady dances with her hair for about 20 minutes and makes "I want to go down on you" eyes at Mike.  He moves in for a kiss.  She protests: "I thought we said this wasn't going to happen again." Uh-oh, cheating with Super-Hunk's lady!   

Slow dancing ensues (odd, since this is a fast number).  And sex in the car.  Wait -- you prefer Mike to Super Hunk?  No accounting for tastes.

Scene 7: On the way home, Boob Lady tells Mike that Super-Hunk doesn't respect him. Mike's too busy taking side-glances at her boobs to care.  Ten minutes in, and we're not even in Florida yet, and I see no beefcake or gay anything.

She suggests that they run away to Florida together.  "No way -- I'm from Florida.  I'm not going back."  So, Georgia, then?

Scene 8:  The next morning. Mike wakes up in his weird industrial loft (no beefcake). Super-Hunk calls: "on the way home from the birthday, did Boob Lady say anything?  Like she's cheating on me with some jerk that I'm going to have you kill?"  

"No, she didn't say anything."  Just 'do me faster,' 'I love your dick,' that sort of thing."  

"Well, she ran away to Coronado Beach, Florida."  Dumb of her to give him the address, but I guess he wasn't abusive or anything, just clueless about how entitled she was.  "So go get her." 

"No way -- I'm from Florida!  I'm not going back!"  "I'll pay you $50,000."  "I'm on my way!"

Scene 9: Mike finally arrives in Florida, and steals some guns from the luggage carousel at the airport.  

One the way out,  he passes a nuclear family that gains focus: Daddy (Clark Gregg, left) telling the kids that they'll go to Disney World soon "Daddy picks up his gun."  Why do parents talk in the third person?  Don't they think their kids understand personal pronouns?

Finally, some Florida scenery -- and the opening credits!  Wait -- was this all prologue, explaining how Mike got to Florida?  I was ready to call it quits.  Now I'll have to see if any of the colorful characters he meets are gay.

Scene 10: First colorful character: Benny (Isaiah Johnson) the owner of the horrible Palms Hotel (you'd think Super-Hunk would spring for somewhere classy).  Nope -- he's heterosexualized by the little boy doing homework in the next room.

In his room, Mike opens the gun case  -- the gun is extremely ornate, with a naked lady engraved into the handle.  uh-oh, it belongs to the Scene 9 Daddy, aka Durham County Sheriff John Ketcher. 

Scene 11: Mike goes down to the beach.  Darn, every single guy is fully clothed.  Not a bare chest or a Speedo for miles around!  This scene was definitely not blocked for the gay crowd. He flashes back to a traumatic event from his childhood, but the images are too confused to understand what's happening.   

Uh-oh, a naked supermodel is in trouble, and the lifeguard is too busy demonstrating that she's heterosexual to notice.  So it's up to Mike to rip off his shirt (leaving his undershirt --  this ain't Baywatch) -- and rush into the surf.  

Whoops, the naked supermodel is not happy at being saved.  She accuses Mike of sexually assaulting her, because her bikini top is missing.  He rushes back into the ocean to fetch it for her, and a shark bites him on the cock!

Scene 12: He is awakened in the hospital by his sister, who lives in Florida.  His sexual assault-shark bite story is all over the news...and the internet.

I'll just fast forward to see if the sister is married to a woman.  Nope, she has a husband (the intensely cute Michael Esper) and a surly teenage daughter.

Beefcake: Not a pec.

Gay Characters: Not a brunch in sight.

Heterosexism: This is all heteronormative, gay-free, male gaze-infested hetero porn garbage.  I'd rather be queerbaited.