Alex Pettyfer: A teenage buddy-bond, then a career of meeting The Girl in a gay-free universe. At least he's super-sized

I found several n*de photos of Alex Pettyfer, who I recall vaguely from the 2000s.  Didn't he play a gay teenager at one point?  So I'll start the research.  

Link to the super size

Alex was born in 1990 in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, about 30 miles from London.  His parents were stage actors making the rounds of West End theatres.  His career began at age seven, when fashionista Ralph Lauren met him in a toy store and chose him to be the face of British youth.  

Several schools followed.  I don't know if Alex kept flunking out, or being sent down for pranks, but eventually he ended up at the Sylvia Young Theatre School in London, and landed his first on-screen role, Tom Brown's School Days (2005).

Movie versions of the 1857 novel by Thomas Hughes are usually rather open about the romances of macho, athletic boarding school boy with snobbish intellectual East (played by Jimmy Lydon, left, and Freddie Bartholomew, center, in 1940).  Alex's version tones down the buddy-bonding in favor of a mentoring relationship with the headmaster (Stephen Frye).  Plus he flirts with a girl.

I'm a little disappointed, but maybe the gay roles come later.

Alex Rider: Stormbreaker (2006)?  It was supposed to be the start of a series based on Anthony Horowitz's novels about a 14 year old spy.  But the reviews were awful, so it was dropped. Spoiler alert: Alex gets a girlfriend.  

Left: Otto Farrant played Alex Rider in the tv series.  He gets a girlfriend, too.

Wild Child (2008)?  A spoiled rich girl is sent to a stuff British boarding school.  Alex (Pettyfer) plays her "love interest."  Why do they call it a "love interest" instead of "heterosexist propaganda"?

This shot from Tormented (2009) looks like Alex is hugging a boyfriend, but he's actually bullying a boy.  The boy dies, then returns from the dead to get his revenge on the popular kids who "tormented" him.  Bradley plays one of the popular kids; he does stuff with his girlfriend, and then gets his junk torn off.

Alex's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

More after the break

Hank Greenspan: Femme boy plays only straight characters, but is he gay in real life? WIth bonus Brandon Flynn and Carlos Ponce

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I wasn't very successful at determining if Jason Maybaum of Raven's Home is gay in real life, but look at Grover on The Neighborhood (2018-25), with TV dad Max Greenfield: feminine-presenting, with his long hair, girlish face, and swishy mannerisms.  Plus someone on social media said that he was canonically trans.

But I went through every episode on fast-forward, checking all of Grover's scenes for any gay or trans references.  Nope, not a one.  In fact, in one episode he gets a crush...on a girl.  Dude is straight.

LGBT persons are never mentioned at all.

So how are you so all-fired supportive of gay youth, when there none on your show?  Maybe because the guy playing Grover is gay in real life?  

Before conducting the research, here's a gratuitous shot of Marcel Spears, who plays next-door neighbor Martin, getting hit on by Brandon Michael Hall in the steam room.

Hank Greenspan was born in 2010, the son of director David Greenspan, who has nothing to do with the off-Broadway N*ked Boys Singing, but Google thinks he does, and  producer/ voiceover artist Sharon Lord.  His grandfather is David Greenspan, the famous gay playwright.  Quite a legacy.

Hank started acting in the horror short Lullaby (2017), and went on to play Young Justin in two episodes of 13 Reasons Why (2018), about thirteen reasons why a girl committed s*uicide.  Justin is straight, but he worked as a hustler  while he was homeless, and contracted AIDS -- not HIV, AIDS -- in what reviewed called a clueless, homophobic plotline. 

Actor Brandon Flynn is gay in real life (backside on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

From 2018 to 2025, Hank was starring in The Neighborhood, but he doesn't appear in some episodes and rarely has a centric.

He is also listed on the IMDB as a writer: 

Alexa's Had It (2021), a short, co-written by his Mom and directed by his Dad: during COVID, the AI assistant Alexa goes haywire.

Hank's Hacks (2021), a series of one-minute life hacks.

Bames Jond (2021), a short about a secret service agent investigating the murder of the President.

More after the break

Da Vinci's Demons: An absurdly heterosexual Da VInci, a bi guy who only likes ladies, two monstrous gay predators, and a lot of p*enises

  

Link to the p*enises

The problem with Peacock is, they don't tell you the date of any tv series. So when we clicked on Da Vinci's Demons last night, we didn't realize that it was from 2013.  

Of course it would turn gay artist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519) straight: every historical figure from Shakespeare to Cole Porter gets straightened in contemporary media.  But when I was studying comparative literature, one of my fields was Renaissance Italy.  Plus there were hints of the paranormal, secret societies and such.  So why not?

Big mistake.  It was disgusting.  I can't even bring myself to do a scene-by-scene, but I'll post some of the nude photos.

1. They straightened Da Vinci (Tom Riley) in the most offensive, slap-in-the-face way possible.  He starts out painting a n*aked woman of "exceptional beauty," then discuss the incredible beauty of the Woman of His Dreams, Lucrezia Donati, over and over and over.  Finally he manages to schtup her for ten minutes of her boobs.  .  

2. His apprentice Nico (Eros Vlastos), who grows up to be Niccolo Machiavelli, gazes longingly at the bare boobs, too.  It is absolutely imperative to demonstrate that every man on Earth is heterosexual.  

At least Machiavelli was straight in real life.

3. DaVinci's buddy Zoroaster (Greg Chillan) mentions that he's been with men in an offhand comment, then goes into detail about the exceptional beauty of the hundreds of women he's had s*ex with.  He likes ugly women, too, because they're better in bed.  

4. There are two gay guys.  I know, every man on Earth longs for women's boobs, but these people are not men, they are odious, slimy monsters who have nonconsensual sex with teenage boys.  The first, the Duke of Milan (Hugh Bonneville), is killed immediately after he kicks the boy (Matthew David) out of his bed.  Serves him right for being gay.

Hugh and David's bums on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

More homophobia and p*enises after the break

"Christmas on the Square": Be grateful that you haven't seen this movie. With Josh Serrano, Treat Williams, and random n*de dudes

Usually I stay away from Christmas romcoms that preach how wonderfully fulfilling small towns are, as opposed to those soulless, heartless monstrosities, big cities, because I grew up in a small town.  My parents rhapsodized, almost daily, about my destiny: find The Girl of My Dreams,  get married, go to work in the factory, buy a house, have kids, die.  There were no other options.  There was no escape. 

Link to NSFW review

They, my other relatives, my teachers, my preacher, and my friends, everyone, without exception, eagerly awaited the moment when I would "discover girls," understand that the sole purpose of life was to gaze into Her eyes forever.  The interrogation began in junior high, and became louder and more demanding in high school: "What girl do you like?  What girl do you like?  What girl?  What girl?  What girl?"  

There was no such thing as same-sex desire or romance.  You spent time with boys in order to talk about girls or strategize on how to get girls.  When you found Her, you would abandon male loves, instantly and without hesistation.  They were trivial, steps on the road to the Girl of Your Dreams destiny.

I kept looking for a place where I could be escape, where I could go through an entire day without the "What girl?  What girl? What girl?" interrogation.  Where people cared about beauty, wisdom, and love, not just reproduction.  Maybe even recognized the existence of men loving men. 

After college, I lived West Hollywood, New York, Fort Lauderdale, and Minneapolis.  Bookstores, art museums, cathedrals, Ethiopian restaurants, Thai restaurants, stores with rainbow flags in the windows, guys holding hands as they walked down the street: heaven.    

Oh, sorry, you wanted me to review the movie.  

Christmas on the Square was written by gay icon Dolly Parton, and stars gay icon Christine Baranski, plus Josh Segarra, who has played gay characters several time (he even played RuPaul's boyfriend). Furthermore, Dolly promotes the movie in an interview in Pink News, the gay magazine.  Surely this is a gay-positive Christmas romcom.  So here goes:

Scene 1:  A sound-stage town square in the town of Prairie View, with folks making merry.  Some very hot guys rush past, doing a high-step dance number -- but they ruin it by double-taking, en masse, at the hot girl who walks by.  At the end of their dance, they pair off, each boy with a girl.  Yuck!  This is the same brainwashing  I grew up with: "Every boy will fall in love with a girl!  There's no way out, no escape!  You are doomed!" 

A car drives past, with the evil, sunglasses-wearing Christine Baranski.  She sings: "Forget the past, be free at last, gotta get out of this town."  I like her -- she's the voice of thousands of LGBT people growing up in homophobic small towns, longing for a place where they can be free.  Of course, she's the villain. 

Amid the dancing, frolicking characters, the white-haired guy who runs the general store, no doubt Christine's Love Interest (played by Treat Williams, left) sings that "lovers walk in pairs." We only see male-female lovers.

 Focus character Felicity drives up and greets the stereotyped 1950s mailman.  She's the assistant of evil Christine Baranski, who continues to sing: "I know in time I'll lose my mind, if I don't get out of this town."  I had the same thought many times, back in Rock Island amid the "what girl do you like? what girl? what girl? what girl?" interrogation!

I'm getting angry.  They should have a trigger warning for all LGBT people who get trapped into viewing this thing.

More after the break, if you dare

Mayfair Witches: Two of them, with interlocking stories, a swishy straight guy, and some demon dicks

  

Netflix has just dropped a lot of paranormal tv shows: A Discovery of Witches, Interview with a Vampire, The Preacher...I'll start with Mayfair Witches, which is based on a trilogy of books by Anne Rice, so there's bound to be some gay characters.

Scene 1: A sagging Gothic mansion. A man in a Depression-Era robin's egg blue suit appears on the front porch to give a staring, catatonic woman her Thorazine shot.  He's new, and can't believe that this is the patient: her file is so big, he thought she was elderly.

He reviews her file, and snoops among the weird books and artifacts in her library, including a photo of her as a 1920s flapper.  So she's immortal. Out on the porch, a man is talking to her, but when the doctor comes out, he is gone, and the maid says there was no man.  Eerie!

The rest of the episode juxtaposes stories of two women who look alike, so the only way to tell them apart is by their timelines: the first is contemporary, and the second looks to be in the 1950s. I don't know which is the catatonic one.

The Story of Woman #1: Rowan

Scene 1: Rowan pilots a boat into San Francisco Bay.  Her girlfriend arrives via Uber.  Nope, it's her mother.  

Scene 2:  A surgeon, Rowan is comforting the young boy she'll be operating on. Wait -- a male surgeon, Dr. Keck, took over the case to impress the sexist Board, but he's not operating right. She argues, but to no avail, and the boy almost dies  "Keck is a menace!" she exclaims. 

Scene 3: More tearjerking: Mom's cancer is back!  Plus we've only seen two male characters, neither cute.

Rowan tells the menace Dr. Keck that David Lemle was observing the surgery.  His company does research with stem cells for cancer patients, so could Dr. Keck arrange an introduction, so she can apply for a job as his research associate, so she can get her mother into the trials?  That sounds unethical, and really far-fetched. But Dr. Keck thinks she's arrogant, with a superiority complex.. As he is tearing into her, she hears whispers, something happens inside his brain, and he falls over dead!  

Scene 4: Rowan thinks she caused Dr. Keck's death.  Maybe her powers are genettc, but she's adopted, and there's no way to determine who her birth parents were.  

But the moment she leaves the room, Mom calls a facility and asks who Rowan's case worker is now: Ciprian Grieves, played by Tongayi Chirisa, left. That's a totally made up name.  She leaves a message: "My daughter is hurting people.  I need to know if something has changed."

Scene 5: In a bar, Rowan asks the bartender, Max (Jordan Cox) to have sex with her, but he has a date tonight.  So she goes after a random guy, and he relents.  

After sex, he wants to stick around, cuddle, and discuss their feelings, but she kicks him out: she's only in it for sex, not a relationship.  That's why she never sees the guy a second time.

Scene 6: Caseworker Ciprian Grieves goes to a house in New Orleans and uses his magic powers to look at the spirit world.  A mysterious spirit, played by Jack Huston, is lurking in the back yard.  He calls Rowan's Mom and tells her that He is nowhere near her daughter.  That's a good thing, right?  

Mom notes that she's dying of cancer, so who will protect Rowan when she's gone?  Ciprian volunteers.

More after the break

"Florida Man": Edgar Ramirez solves a murder in a beefcake-free Florida. So I'm including his butt and dick for free

Florida Man: 98% match on Netflix!  That's quite impressive.  There must be a lot of hunks in Speedos, or gay guys who aren't queerbaiting, or something.  Or maybe it's just because I lived in Florida for four years, and I like men. 

Left: Random Florida hunk

Link to NSFW review

Scene 1: A Gambler's Anonymous meeting.  Mike (Edgar Ramirez) notes that his gambling lost him his wife and his job.  Heterosexual identity established, we move on.

Scene 2: Mike is working as an enforcer for a mobster, the Super Hunk Moss Yakov (Emory Cohen) He tracks down Gil (Nick Basta)  at a hardware store, criticizes his weight, and then chases him to the loading dock, whereupon Gil falls and breaks his legs.

Later, Mike meets up with his ex-wife, a standard hot-woman-with-chubby-guy arrangement. He returns the ring that he pawned, but she still won't take him back. Having just been made detective, she asks for his help getting at the gangster Moss Yankov.  He refuses.

Scene 3:  Super Hunk accosts Gil from Scene 2.  Gil offers sunken treasure instead of the money he owes, but Super Hunk says no.  

Cut to a woman with her boobs showing and the hair of a country-western singer sits at her vanity, next to a framed portrait of her boobs.  Apparently boobs are uncommon, so the camera has to give us a good look, in case we've never seen any before.  Gil is getting beat up downstairs, so this must be his house or Super-Hunk's house.

How can she concentrate on her make-up with all that screaming?  I agree; that's what enforcers are for. 

She storms downstairs, as the camera shows us the rest of her body. Ever hear of a bathrobe, lady?  "Super-Hunk, it's my birthday!  When are you going to be done with work so we can go out?"

Scene 4: Mike is now the chauffeur, driving Super-Hunk and Boob Lady to somewhere fancy in downtown Philadelphia. He checks out her butt as she walks past.  

At dinner, Super-Hunk gives Boob Lady her birthday present, a fancy necklace.  But there's a girl's hair in the clasp!  So he got it off a corpse?  Upset, she storms out. Super-Hunk tells Mike to get her home ok.

Scene 5: Mike follows Boob Lady down the street, joking that it looks like he is stalking her.  She's not up for a joke.  He offers to take her to a club instead of going straight home.

Scene 6: A fancy dance club. Boob Lady dances with her hair for about 20 minutes and makes "I want to go down on you" eyes at Mike.  He moves in for a kiss.  She protests: "I thought we said this wasn't going to happen again." Uh-oh, cheating with Super-Hunk's lady!   

Slow dancing ensues (odd, since this is a fast number).  And sex in the car.  Wait -- you prefer Mike to Super Hunk?  No accounting for tastes.

Scene 7: On the way home, Boob Lady tells Mike that Super-Hunk doesn't respect him. Mike's too busy taking side-glances at her boobs to care.  Ten minutes in, and we're not even in Florida yet, and I see no beefcake or gay anything.

She suggests that they run away to Florida together.  "No way -- I'm from Florida.  I'm not going back."  So, Georgia, then?

Scene 8:  The next morning. Mike wakes up in his weird industrial loft (no beefcake). Super-Hunk calls: "on the way home from the birthday, did Boob Lady say anything?  Like she's cheating on me with some jerk that I'm going to have you kill?"  

"No, she didn't say anything."  Just 'do me faster,' 'I love your dick,' that sort of thing."  

"Well, she ran away to Coronado Beach, Florida."  Dumb of her to give him the address, but I guess he wasn't abusive or anything, just clueless about how entitled she was.  "So go get her." 

"No way -- I'm from Florida!  I'm not going back!"  "I'll pay you $50,000."  "I'm on my way!"

Scene 9: Mike finally arrives in Florida, and steals some guns from the luggage carousel at the airport.  

One the way out,  he passes a nuclear family that gains focus: Daddy (Clark Gregg, left) telling the kids that they'll go to Disney World soon "Daddy picks up his gun."  Why do parents talk in the third person?  Don't they think their kids understand personal pronouns?

Finally, some Florida scenery -- and the opening credits!  Wait -- was this all prologue, explaining how Mike got to Florida?  I was ready to call it quits.  Now I'll have to see if any of the colorful characters he meets are gay.

Scene 10: First colorful character: Benny (Isaiah Johnson) the owner of the horrible Palms Hotel (you'd think Super-Hunk would spring for somewhere classy).  Nope -- he's heterosexualized by the little boy doing homework in the next room.

In his room, Mike opens the gun case  -- the gun is extremely ornate, with a naked lady engraved into the handle.  uh-oh, it belongs to the Scene 9 Daddy, aka Durham County Sheriff John Ketcher. 

Scene 11: Mike goes down to the beach.  Darn, every single guy is fully clothed.  Not a bare chest or a Speedo for miles around!  This scene was definitely not blocked for the gay crowd. He flashes back to a traumatic event from his childhood, but the images are too confused to understand what's happening.   

Uh-oh, a naked supermodel is in trouble, and the lifeguard is too busy demonstrating that she's heterosexual to notice.  So it's up to Mike to rip off his shirt (leaving his undershirt --  this ain't Baywatch) -- and rush into the surf.  

Whoops, the naked supermodel is not happy at being saved.  She accuses Mike of sexually assaulting her, because her bikini top is missing.  He rushes back into the ocean to fetch it for her, and a shark bites him on the cock!

Scene 12: He is awakened in the hospital by his sister, who lives in Florida.  His sexual assault-shark bite story is all over the news...and the internet.

I'll just fast forward to see if the sister is married to a woman.  Nope, she has a husband (the intensely cute Michael Esper) and a surly teenage daughter.

Beefcake: Not a pec.

Gay Characters: Not a brunch in sight.

Heterosexism: This is all heteronormative, gay-free, male gaze-infested hetero porn garbage.  I'd rather be queerbaited.