Link to the n*de dudes
Then Emilia Clarke gets not fully clothed so her brother can feel her stuff in close-up twice. When he leaves, her backside fills the screen as she steps into the bathtub.
Ugh. This was impossible!
But I heard that the prequel, The Knight of the Seven Kingdoms (2026), features a gay-subtext buddy bond between a Hedge Knight (Peter Claffey who played the straight guy in the gay-friendly Wrecked) and a character whose name I don't recall (the names all sound alike). I'll give it a try, but the first bouncing breasts, and I'm outta here.
Episode 1, Scene 1: A Hedge Knight (not attached to a prince) is digging a grave for his mentor, Ser Arlan of Pennytree (Danny Webb, d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends). Isn't Pennytree one of those "everything for a dollar" stores?
It's raining, because even thousands of years ago in a galaxy far, far away, tired cliches rule: it always rains at funerals.
Hedgie takes the guy's sword, because why bury it with him, and asks his horses what they should do now. Maybe enter a tournament? Why can't you keep on being a hedge knight?
He pauses to get not fully clothed, and does bathroom stuff. Nice backside, but we actually see the results coming out.
Scene 2: Hedgie approaches a inn, and orders a bald boy wearing a dress to take care of his horses. The boy sneers and insults him.
Mr. Grant: "You got spunk. I hate spunk!"
The inn is empty except for a guy who is passed out drunk, because everyone is gone to the tournament at Ashford.
Uh-oh, the drunk guy comes to and says "Stay the f*ck away from me!", brandishing a knife. Hedgie is shocked, but doesn't engage, and the guy stumbles up to his room. I assumed that this was the gay-subtext boyfriend, but the guy doesn't appear again. This scene was just padding.
Scene 3: Hedgie catches the Bald Boy on his horse, playing at being a knight, and yells at him. The Boy wants to come along as his squire; Hedgie refuses.
"Please? You're poor, incompetent, and very stupid. You need a squire."
"Nope."
They will eventually get together. But this isn't the boyfriend -- actor Dexter Soll Ansell is only eleven years old. And not bald in real life (the character has shaved his head to avoid being identified as the Chosen One, I think. His biography on wikipedia is endless and exceedingly complex.)
Scene 4: Off again. Don't they have roads in this world? Hedgie reaches the tournament, a lot of tents in the middle of nowhere, with people doing artisan-style work, like at a Renaissance faire. He meets with the Master of the Tournament, who thinks he doesn't look like a knight.
"I'm a knight, Ser Dunk, knighted by Ser Arslan of Pennytree." Ser Dunk, har har. Better than Aslan.
"Never heard of him. Are you sure you were knighted?"
"Um...um...sure...as his life was ending, Ser Arslan performed the ritual." We don't see it happening in a flashback. I think Ser Hedgie is bluffing.Master notes that knighthood is sacred. If you lie about your knighting, they hang you by your hands and feet and lower you onto a sharpened stick. Could we see that?
Then he laughs. He was just kidding about the sharpened stick, but you need someone to attest to your knight master. Would anyone here know him?
"Sure, Ser Manfred of the House of Dodarrion."
"If he vouches for you, I'll let you enter the tournament."
Scene 5: Outside Ser Manfred's tent: Two pleasure ladies tell Hedgie that the Ser is napping. They think he's come around because the Ser did thinkgs with his wife, and then mock him for being a hedge knight; "He's got to sleep in hedges because no Lord will have him."
This hurts Ser Hedgie's feelings. "No need to say mean things!"
"Aww, toughen up! The Ser will awaken by evenfall (dusk). Come back then."
Scene 6: At the practice pavilion, the redheaded a-hole Ser Steffon (Edward Ashley) bests the teenage Raymun (Shaun Thomas. right), kicks him, and curses him, then sees Hedgie watching and yells the Medieval equivalent of the "What are you looking at" threat. I don't like how their names are almost but not quite English. Shows lack of creativity.
Raymun tells Hedgie that he is the A-hole's cousin and squire: "You look pretty hot...um, I mean cute...no, strong! Would you like to fight him?" Hedgie refuses, and Raymun vanishes. Darn it, I thought he was going to be the boyfriend.
Scene 7: At evenfall, Ser Manfred is still not awake. The pleasure girls fling some more insults, but Hedgie fights back, sort of: "Why are you being so mean?"
"Aww, don't cry. We insult all men. It's part of the job." Apparently guys really like women who dislike them.
More after the break
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Scene 8: Hedgie watches a play about a knight fighting a dragon. Surprise: the narrator is The Girl of His Dreams. They gaze at each other for about ten minutes of screen time; she is so overwhelmed that she forgets her lines. Things don't look good for a gay subtext buddy-bond.
I just noticed that there are no magical creatures about, no elves, dwarves, hobbits, trolls, or fairies. No wizards. No magic swords. No magic at all. What is the point of a fantasy world without magic? It might as well be medieval France.
Raymun, the A-Hole's Cousin, re-appears, apologizes for suggesting a fight, and gazes at Hedgie with Boy of My Dreams longing. "You're a half-man...and half giant!" Changing an insult into a complement. Smooth move, buddy. He invites Hedgie out to dinner.
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Scene 9: In the dinner tent, Raymun points out the world-famous partyboy Ser Lyonel (Daniel Ings), who is telling the story of the first tournament, held 4,000 years ago. Then he vanishes. Hey, I thought they would become boyfriends.
After turkey and pastries, Ser Lyonel summons Hedgie: "You're tall, but you slouch, rejecting the gift of the Seven Gods. I should have you burnt for heresy. Why the f*k are you in my tent?"
Psych! He was just joking! Two threats to hurt Hedgie turn out to be jokes. This is getting redundant.
Ser Lyonel invites Hedgie to dance; it's a fight-dance, with scowling and stomping on feet. I guess the only way you can like someone in this world is to pretend to dislike them.
After dancing, they drunkenly collapse onto the head table and have heart-to-heart. Hedgie worries that he doesn't have much of a chance, competing against highly-trained professionals.
"Oh, you have no chance." He hangs all over Hedgie for a bit, then wanders off. Darn, I thought they were going to be the gay-subtext boyfriends.
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Suddenly Ser Manfred (Daniel Monks), the one who will vouch for Hedgie, shows up with his coterie of pleasure girls. Hedgie tries to request the voucher, but Manfred is busy kissing, so he gives up. "Maybe we could meet up tomorrow?"
He breaks away long enough to say "Nope, never heard of you or your Arslan mentor. No voucher."
"But I can't compete unless you vouch for me."
"Tough. Get lost."
Scene 10: The dejected Hedgie leaves the tournament and walks through the woods. He stumbles upon the campsite of the Bald Boy from Scene 2. They hang out. The end.
Beefcake: Just the opening scene butt. The Arslan body part is from Episode 2. But at least there are no female body parts -- quite a relief
Gay Characters: This seems to be a gay-free society. Even the slurs don't mention liking men.
Queerbaiting: Three potential boyfriends appear, and vanish. I checked Episode 2: Hedgie continues to flirt with the Girl of His Dreams. Ser Lyonel (the one who danced with him) reappears to grab Hedgie's backside during a rope-pulling contest, then vanishes again. Raymun isn't around.
My Grade: The queerbaiting was annoying. Too many complicated names and histories that go on forever. And no magic? I might as well be at a Renaissance faire. C.
See also:Wrecked: Gay guy and his lesbian bff solve a mystery on a cruise ship. With a homicidal duck
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