Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects c ocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty Daniels flirts. With bonus Brazilian beefcake

 

Link to the n*de dudes

The Season 2 finale of The Righteous Gemstones  aired in February 2022.  Season 3 premieres in June 2023, sixteen months later, but the timeline in the Gemstone universe doesn't fit.  Plus personalities and back stories are different.  As with Season 2, it will be more profitable -- and more fun -- to enter fresh, pretending that we have never seen or heard of these people before.

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because word on the street is that this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting people in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

Eli and Aimee-Leigh's three kids look very young, but according to the fan wiki, Jesse is 19, Judy is 15, and Kelvin is 9 or 10.

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. 

As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"  

Cut to Zion's Landing, the Gemstones' Christian-themed resort. The 42-year old Jesse and his crew confront Eli's driver.  In joke: his name is Walker!  He squealed to the press about the dwindling membership and donations since the kids took over, so they beat him up and fire him. Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I am shocked.  Christian ministers are often shady and hypocritical, but violent? What if someone sees?

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: 32 or 33 -year old Kelvin, wearing a t-shirt that says "Sm ut Busters" above a splat of -- ?  -- is showing a giant novelty dil do to someone named Keefe. He exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt."  So he's gay, and Keefe is his boyfriend.  Who's the bottom?

We pan out to see kids examining a pile of s ex toys, mostly dil dos various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men.  Notice the "Size Queen" dildo.  

PKelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running a project called the Smut Busters.  They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy.  Wait -- anyone know basic economics?  

The youth group kids, also in Sm ut Busters t-shirts, are just examining the latest haul.  Do they take the kids to the adult stores?  They wouldn't be allowed inside.  

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No sm ut, no l ust, no coconuts" (with a feminine hip wiggle). No one joins in.  

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles.  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no buts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

Left: coconuts

Pretending to have never seen these characters before,  I conclude that they are a gay couple: notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the s toys they buy are for gay men.  

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

The Primitive Tribe: At church, the siblings are bragging about their missionary trip, where they brought Lasik Surgery to an isolated tribe in the Amazon. 

They are completely clueless; surgery to correct astigmatism must be the most trivial of the group's medical needs.  Plus the depiction of a "primitive tribe" veers uncomfortably close to racism.

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

How closeted are Kelvin and Keefe?  They are presented as the equivalent of the other couples, Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ;  Jesse even refers to them as a unit. Plus Kelvin displays some feminine traits that anyone would pick up on instantly.  Maybe they are out to the family, but closeted to the church.  

Jesse criticizes the Sm ut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 adult shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dil dos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own er otic enjoyment, not to help the church.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber d icks. 

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

More after the break

"Fairfax": Woke Teens Strive to Become Influencers on Fairfax Avenue

 

The animated series Fairfax, on Amazon Prime, caught my attention because Fairfax Boulevard is traditionally the eastern edge of West Hollywood.  According to the trailer, it's about four 13-year olds, one of whom is so woke that she protests the milking of almonds. No doubt one of them is gay.

Scene 1: A futuristic totalitarian factory making t-shirts for the Latrine Company. The caped supervillain boss decides that the next Latrine t-shirt will feature Dr. Phil, the conservative talk show host, and suddenly everyone on Earth gets the ads on their screens.  Did I accidentally click on the wrong series?

No, we switch to Benny (Peter S. Kim), a chubby boy with traditional Korean parents, seeing the ads, getting all excited, and calling his friends to a special meeting.  

Meanwhile the woke Derica is protesting "milking almonds" at a supermarket.  She gets the word and kayaks down the Los Angeles river to the meeting.  (Ok, this is not my West Hollywood).

Teen dream Truman (Jaboukie Young-White) is photographing a middle-aged lady for her Tinder profile when he gets the word.  She flirts with him, but he reminds her that he's only 13.

Scene 2: The line outside the Latrine Store extends for blocks, all the way to the Fairfax Sign (this is not our West Hollywood).  A chubby man who got his t-shirt early taunts them.  A pigeon is congratulated by his friend for getting his t-shirt. 

Meanwhile timid Dale (Skyler Gisondo) is cowering in the back seat while his parents drive him onto Fairfax Avenue.  They've moved to West Hollywood to take over his uncle's vape store.  He worries that he won't fit in among the cool kids, but his parents point out that he is cool: he was president of the hiking club.

Scene 3:  While his parents unpack, Dale wanders past the Latrine Store, and is amazed: it has a skating ramp, multicolored shoes, and fluorescent mannikins.  The old guy from Scene 2 offers him $50 for his hat, and they go into the alley to make the deal.  Is he actually suggesting sex? 

Whew, he really just wants the hat.  The other three kids come to the rescue by pointing out that those hats go for $200.  

Scene 4: The others are shocked that Dale is not making an ironic statement: he actually is Middle American normalcore.  They take him to Schwimmer's Deli (Canter's?), where everything is second-rate and over-priced, to explain the grooviness of Latrine: the more absurdly overpriced Latrine products you display, the more "likes" you get on social media, and you're on your way to becoming an Influencer, and then all your dreams come true: 

Benny: Push Dad out of an airplane

Truman: Direct a movie starring two hot babes.

Derica: Save the ecosystem.

But how can they get one of the t-shirts?  They're sold out!  Dale comes to the rescue: he saw the manager of Latrine hiding a t-shirt in the back room.  

Scene 5: They sneak into a facility where artists are painting a man green and sculpting fish, to meet with the Plug, aka Joaquin Phoenix, but actually voiced by Jeff Bottoms (in West Hollywood you run into celebrities all the time).  He's busy lighting himself on fire, and doesn't have time to help them locate a t-shirt.

Scene 6: They kidnap the dog of Lucas, the store manager, to force him to hand over the spare t-shirt, but he recognizes them.  They try to send a drone in, but it's detected and exploded.  

Scene 7: Dale bursts into the vape shop, exuberant over his new friends: 

 Bennie: "Like the Wizard of Oz"

Derica: "I'm not sure if she identifies as a girl, but she could legit be president someday"

Truman: Has actually had sex with a girl.  

He just needs to figure out how to get the t-shirt, so they will like him.

That night, Dale has a vision of Dr. Phil, the guy on the t-shirt, who advises him to "think outside the box."

More after the break

Eight hot/hung Amazonian Indians with pecs, abs, bulges, and the highest penis string in the tribe

  

I posted some bonus Amazonian guys in another article, but I had a lot more, so here are eight hot/hung Indios from various parts of the Amazon basin.

Link to the vergas enormes

A muscleman with a bulge -- the one on the left.

There are 2.7 million indigenous people in the Amazon region, divided into 350 ethnic groups.  Most live in indigenous territories or reservations. 

A penis sculpture, La Paz, Bolivia

Thirty million people live in the Amazon, mostly in big cities like Manaus, Brazil and Iquitos, Peru.

Showing off his penis string. The Huaorani of Ecuador, previously called the Auca, tie their foreskins to a string around their waist to protect it and demonstrate their virility. "Look, guys, I'm so big I have to tie my string around my nipples."

More Indios after the break.  

Jim Elliot, Through Gates of Spendor, and Amazonian Beefcake

When I was growing up in the ultra-fundamentalist Nazarene church, we had no saints, no folk heroes.  We couldn't name a single famous person who was Nazarene -- of course not, Sunday school teachers said.  When you spend all your time trying to win souls, the way God wants you to, how will you have time to become famous?

But boys need heroes, so Sunday school teachers and youth ministers became creative, scouring the ranks of closely related denominations -- the Wesleyans, the Pentecostals, the Salvation Army.  And they found Jim Elliot (1927-1956), a young missionary from the Plymouth Brethren who moved to Ecuador to try to win the Quechua for Christ.

Eventually he changed his mind: he would make first contact with the savage Auca Indians (actually called Huaorani), who lived in the Amazonian region of southern Ecuador, in order to win them for Christ.

After all, the Quechua were already Catholic -- not Christian, of course, but the Bible, or at least the Gospels, were available to them.  They at least knew who Jesus was.  The Auca were completely untouched -- they had never heard of Jesus at all.

"Operation Auca" began in September 1955, with the standard "first contact" tactic of exchanging gifts.  On January 3rd, 1956, Jim and his companions established a base and had friendly encounters with some of the Auca men.  Things seemed to be going smoothly.  But on January 8th, 1956, ten Auca warriors approached and speared Jim, three other missionaries, and their pilot Nate Saint to death.



Martyred for the cause of Christ.

Nazarenes had very few martyrs -- the church only began in 1909.  So Jim Elliot and the other missionaries were a big deal.

"Would you die for Christ, if He asked you to?" our youth minister asked.

In 1957, Jim's widow Elisabeth published an account of "Operation Auca," Through Gates of Splendour.  It was adapted into a Spire Christian comic in 1974.

Later, Elisabeth, Saint's sister, and other missionaries successfully contacted the Huaorani, and won many of them for Christ, including Mincaye, one of the murderers.

Mincaye and Saint's son Steve (only five years old at the time of the murder) later became close friends, and often traveled together on missionary expeditions.

There are about 4,000 Huaorani today, mostly living in permanent settlements, their culture all but destroyed.

You're probably wondering, what's the gay connection?

1. I rather liked the idea of five men all together, with no women around.
2. Who didn't wear shirts.
3. The Huaorani were mostly naked.
4. That friendship between Mincaye and Steve.  Best friends with your father's murderer.  How romantic is that?

10 Things You Should Know About "The Tick"

1. The spoof superhero first appeared in 1986 as the mascot of the New England Comic Book Stores.

2. His costume looks like this.  The muscles are latex, but the bulge isn't.

3. He has appeared in three tv series, animated (voiced by Townsend Coleman), live in 2001 (starring Patrick Warburton), and most recently in 2016 (with Peter Serafinowicz).

4. Peter Serafinowicz is a British actor known for Shaun of the Dead and Guardians of the Galaxy.

5. The Tick has a sidekick, Arthur, who actually wants nothing to do with him and keeps trying to get out of sidekicking.

6. Their interactions sometimes involve homophobic "real men must never touch!", and sometimes glimmers of homoerotic affection.

7. Arthur was voiced by Micky Dolenz and Rob Paulsen in the animated series, and he has been played by David Burke and most recently Griffin Newman.

8.  This is Arthur in costume.  His bulge must enter a room three seconds before the rest of him.

9. The Tick also features a full roster of beefcake actors playing superheroes and villains, such as Brendan Hines as Superion.

10. And Scott Spieser as Overkill.