Which Ben R. has the monster? The gay German singer, the short guy from Seattle, the n*de ikigai guy, the golf pro..

 This will be fun.  A guy named Ben R. is showing us his monster equipment (last name censored because he's not an actor).  There are at least 30 Ben R.'s with Instagram, Facebook, or Linkedin pages. Your job is to figure out which one has the third leg, based on the visual cues and biographical data.

Link to the n*de photos

Here are the ten Bens to choose from:

1. A gay singer from Freiburg, Germany.

I'm not into skinny guys, but I heard that they tend to be oversized.

2. Right: An ambassador for Christ in Christchurch, New Zealand, originally from Iowa.  

Nice look, buddy, but do ambassadors for Christ usually post adult pics?

3. Far right:A student at the University of Arizona, originally from Colorado, in the Kappa Epsilon fraternity.

You don't need to be gifted beneath the belt if you've got muscle.

4. A student at Mansfield University in Ohio, on the basketball team.  

The goggle glasses give him a cute teen-nerd vibe. I'll bet he's got a lot going on down there.

5. A graduate of Indiana University who now works as a rates trader in New York.

I don't know what a rates trader is, but he looks good in a suit.

More after the break

Sweethearts: Thanksgiving romcom proving that there's gay life in Kansas...um, rural Ohio.. so don't move to Oz

Link to the n*de dudes

Christmas romcoms are always about women leaving the Big City to find infinite joy and belonging in small towns.   Gay men can't relate, since they high-tailed it away from homophobic small towns to Big City gay neighborhoods.  

Sweethearts, on MAX, is a rare Thanksgiving romcom that pushes the small town.  There's gay life in Kansas.  Why move to Oz?

The premise: two life-long best friends are going to the same college but distance-dating the boy/girl back home: 

1. Ben is dating Claire, still in high school.

Ben is played by Nico Hiraga, left, a former semi-pro skateboarder. He has appeared in Booksmart, Love in Taipei, Goodrich, and The Power.

2. Jamie, a girl (Kiernan Shipka), is dating Simon (Charlie Hall, left), who is dumb as a fence post but got into Harvard on a football scholarship.  Say what? 

 The long distance relationships  aren't working out, so the two make a plan to break up with their partners when they all go home for Thanksgiving.  

Obviously they're going to get together or it wouldn't be a romcom.  I'm fast forwarding through their scenes to get to Palmer (Caleb Hearon), the flamboyantly feminine "third friend" pictured in the animated opening. He's probably the standard romcom gay best friend who facilitates the romance, but maybe he'll get a boyfriend of his own.

Correction: I'm also interested in Ben's college roommate Tyler, played by Zach Zucker , a "Bad Bi Boy Clown" -- literally. He trained for two years at the Ecole Philippe Gaulier.  

On his Facebook page, Zach notes that "Bi Visibility Day is cool because it forces all of the people who have caused you pain by denying your existence to look at your pics."  

His character is introduced smooching a girl in bed, but maybe he's bi:

He looks at Ben's fake id and comments: "I'll go out with you.  Just kidding."

Ben has his hands full, so he asks Tyler to take his cell phone from his pocket.  "Whoops, wrong phone.  Just kidding."  

He seems to be dancing with Ben in the closing party scene.

And that's just when  I paused the fast-forwarding.

Paris: "Third Friend" Parker is introduced at Minute 15, calling the duo, wearing a striped shirt and beret, sitting in front of an image of the Eiffel Tower.  He took a gap year after high school to move to Paris, and he is working at a fast-food place near Euro Disney.  Why would visitors to Euro Disney want to see fast-food workers in clichéd French costumes?  

He announces that he is no longer "vaguely pretending to be straight." Really?  Who would think you were straight after talking to you for 30 seconds? 

He'll be coming out to a select group of former classmates at a party at his house on the night before Thanksgiving.

More after the break, including a rural Ohio gay community.  Caution: explicit.

The Chair Company, Episode 1.3: A chair conspiracy, a queer kid, a ginger chub, weirdness for its own sake, and men in suits with d*cks

Link to the n*de dudes

 I am attracted to men in suits, but not at all to the corporate world, the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, kids that was pushed endlessly through my childhood.  I want a world of art and beauty. 

So at first I wasn't interested in The Chair Company on HBO MAX, starring Tim Robinson as Ron Trosper, a "job, house, wife, and kids" guy whose chair collapses during a Very Important Presentation, leading to more mishaps that threaten to destroy his Very Important Career.   

Trying to track down the Chair Company responsible for the defective chair, he ends up at an empty warehouse.  Later a guy assaults him, telling him to "Forget about the chair company."

He doesn't.  He tracks down his assailant, Mike (Joseph Tudisco), a security guard at a local cafe.  But Mike says "I was hired by a guy I'd never met.  He didn't show his face." 

Maybe they could work together to find him?

Wait -- why is Mike interested in helping?  There must be some gay-subtext buddy-bonding.  I'm reviewing the next episode, 1.3: @BrownDerbyHistoricVids Little Bit of Hollywood? Okayyy.

Try putting that in the Works Cited section of your research paper.

Scene 1: Family Man Ron is at Game Night with his daughter, her fiancee, and her fiancee's parents.  Hey, Daughter is gay.  What a surprise -- I figured this show would be entirely heteronormative.  Ulp, he gets a text: "No way out!", with a photo of him taken at that moment from the hall closet.

He pulls open the closet door, and a little person pushes him aside and runs out.  But he wanted to be found out.  Family Man Ron gives chase, but Partner Mike rushes up and explains "He's my guy, LT (Joe Apelian). I had him watching to make sure you weren't setting me up."  

LT wanted to tell Mike that there was no way out of his hiding place, but he texted the wrong person. 

Scene 2: The enraged Ron wants to end the partnership, but Mike has intel: he tracked down the guy who paid him to scare Ron, but that guy was hired by someone else, and paid $50,000 for the job.  That's quite a lot -- usually scares go for $400. 

LT interrupts, yelling that Partner Mike isn't his friend, he's no good.  He begins kicking boxes.

Left: None of the three have beefcake photos online, so I'm posting 1990s heartthrob Lou Diamond Phillips, who plays the CEO of Family Man Ron's company.

Scene 3: That night, while asleep, Ron keeps imagining LT staring at him.  He checks all the closets. 

In the morning, he asks his wife if they can install a security system today.  A reasonable plan, but he makes it sound crazy by imagining someone with a gun bursting in and forcing them to kill each other.  

Scene 4: At work, Ron is discussing something about square footage with a client (Mike Britt).  A literal bug crawls into Ron's phone.  Now we're getting surreal. 

When he has a spare moment, he tries to find out who owns the empty warehouse -- ulp, you have to make your request in person.  But before he can duck out, he is dragged into the atrium to watch his tv interview about a shopping mall the company is building: "The way you think about Canton, Ohio is about to change: you're about to step into a bit of Hollywood."  Thus the title.

 The whispering is about a Mistakes Party -- where you admit your mistakes -- that Ron isn't invited to, because he's the boss.

More after the break

Walker Bryant: Straight social influencer with...um...who cares? Just look at him. With bonus Manny d*ck

 

Link to the n*de photos

Walker Bryant is...um...he was born in Columbus, Ohio in 2006, and moved to...um

He moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career as...um...an actor.  He's into bond*ge...I mean boogie boarding...and... c*ks..

Dang it, I can't concentrate on my profile.  Put some clothes on, dude!

Didn't help.

Ok, this helps.  You have that long ratboy face that I find unappealing.  And you're hetero -- every third photo on your Instagram shows you kissing, cuddling with, and groping your girlfriend.

More after the break