"The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power": Elves, Humans, and Proto-Hobbits Face Off against the Dark Lord

 I've read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and seen the movies, but I never paid much attention to the appendixes, the Silmarilion, the Book of Lost Tales, and the various other Middle Earth ephemera.  So I went in to the new Amazon series The Rings of Power, about the events of the First Age, with few fanboy expectations.  I watched the first 66 minute episode on Amazon Prime.

Scene 1:  I always thought that Undying Lands, where the Elves went when they tired of Middle Earth, was a sort of heaven, but here it's a regular place, lit by lamps instead of the sun, and the Elves aren't actually Undying -- they're  newly-created, so they just assume that they won't die.  And there are bullies -- all black-haired -- who gang up on the young Galadriel (blond) before her brother Finrod (Will Fletcher, above) intervenes.  They exchange aphorisms.

Scene 2: Galadriel narrates a whole trilogy worth of plots: the evil god Morgoth extinguishes the lamps, so the Elves have to leave the Undying Lands and go to war in Middle Earth.  He's defeated, but his henchman Sauron is still around, so the Elves spend hundreds of years patrolling, looking for him or his Orc-minions.

The narration ends with Galadriel and her troops (actually six people) still looking for clues to Sauron's whereabouts.  She pushes on and on, into the north country, until her troops, led by Thondir (Fabian McCallum), tire of her constant aphorisms and lay down their swords, stating that they are going home.

Scene 3:  The Harfoots, who will eventually evolve into Hobbits, are nomadic hunter-gathers that look and act like Irish Travelers.  A young girl named Nori is frustrated with her circumspect existence, and wants adventure (like a certain Bilbo Baggins centuries hence),

Scene 4:  When Galadriel finally makes it back to the Elf Middle Earth headquarters, her boyfriend Elrond (Robert Aramayo, left) tells her in aphorisms that the troops didn't mutiny: she did, by disobeying countless orders from the High King Gil-Galad (Benjamin Walker) to give up the search.  But he forgives her.  He has declared that the danger is over, so all of the Elves can return to the Undying Lands.

Scene 5: Nori of the Harfoots, still being frustrated and longing for adventure.

Scene 6: Galadriel and boyfriend Elrond talking in aphorisms some more.

Scene 7:  The early Anglo-Saxon village of Men, a racial group that went gung-ho for Morgoth 70 years ago, and now is being closely monitored by their Elf overlords.  So, Hitler died about 70 years ago.  Should we be carefully monitoring the Germans?  They hate the Elves, and especially stoic Vulcan-like Arondir (Ismael Cruze Cordova), who is constantly snooping around, looking for problems. It doesn't help that he has a human girlfriend, a healer named Bronwyn-- interracial (or inter-species?)  relationships are strictly forbidden by both humans and Elves.  

Suddenly Arondir and his colleague Medhor (Augustus Prew, left) are called back to the base: High King Gil-Galad has called off the search and is sending them all home.  Good news, right?  Well...um...

Scene 8: Girlfriend Bronwyn and her teenage son Theo (Tyroe Muhafidin) are preparing herbs.  Arondir drops by to tell her he's leaving, but first he'll go to the eastern town of Horndern to investigate some cattle being poisoned by evil grass.  She offers to go along, since she grew up there.

"Ok, but be careful -- the people of Horndern are all Morgoth-lovers."  Bigot!

Meanwhile, son Theo wants to show his friend Rowan (Ian Blackburn) a cache of treasure he found in an old barn.  Well, they're not really friends -- Rowan makes fun of him for having no father and a mother who's involved with an Elf.  The treasure includes a weird dagger marked with Dark Lord Sauron's symbol, which starts to glow and pull Theo to the Dark Side.

Scene 9: Galadriel and her group sing as their boat sails toward the Undying Lands, here pictured as a bright light.  Meanwhile, High King Gil-Galad and Elrond, back in Middle Earth, discuss in aphorisms that the evil might not have been vanquished after all.  The Harfoots agree -- "the sky looks strange."

Back on the ship, Galadriel remembers one of her dead brother's aphorisms and at the last minute refuses to go into the light.  She jumps off the ship -- and is left floating in the middle of the ocean.  I hope she knows how to teleport!

Scene 10: Everyone in Middle Earth watches as a a flashing light zooms across the sky.  A comet!  No, it can't be -- whatever it is crashes near the Harfoot camp.    Nori rushes to investigate and finds a flaming thicket, and in its midst a naked old guy.  I'm guessing Gandalf.  He's one of the istari, sent directly from God to help Middle Earth.  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Other Sights:  Lots of woodlands, some exteriors of Elvish castles.

Heterosexism:  Two boy-girl relationships are centered so far.

Gay Characters: None specified so far, and no same-sex pairings for gay subtexts.  I doubt that there will be any.  

My Grade: All  of the mysticism and magic of the Undying Lands has become banal, the Elves are portrayed as a bit totalitarian, and the gay subtexts that informed the original are gone.  C.

How Do You Handle a Hungry Man?

I'm not a big fan of soup, especially that partially coagulated Campbell's stuff.  Besides, they had a stupid logo -- "Mmm, mmm, good," not even words -- and the most cutesy-disgusting advertising icons, Campbell's Soup Kids.  But in the early 1970s, Campbell's redeemed itself with the Manhandlers.

They were a thick, stocky variety of soup introduced in 1968, reputedly in response to housewives' complaints that the wimpy Chicken Noodle  lines didn't fill up their husbands.

The commercial showed a hunky, muscular guy in a plaid shirt  engaged in various farm tasks (not him -- this is Matt Neustadt of reality tv).  I remember him plowing a field, piling concrete blocks atop each other, and mending a barbed wire fence -- while a male voiceover sang the double-entendre laden  "How do you handle a hungry ma...aaa...aan?  The Ma..aaa...aan Handlers!"

The gay symbolism was obvious, though no doubt unintentional.  Viewers could think of all kinds of ways to handle a hungry man.

 He goes home, bursts into the kitchen, and plops down at the table, where there is a bowl of Manhandlers soup waiting for him.  He thrusts a spoon awkwardly into his fist like he's not used to utensils and begins shoveling the soup in, occasionally making little animal grunts of pleasure.  One expects him to say "Me like soup!  Soup good!"  Oh, right, that's the logo.  The voice over repeats: "The Ma...aaa...aan Handlers!"



No ladies were shown in the commercials.  The Man evidently lived alone, or maybe with the man who was singing about a "ma...aaa...aan."

the singer was Frankie Laine, who performed in many genres but specialized in cowboy songs, including "Hanging Tree," "Mule Train," "Riders in the Sky," and the themes for Rawhide and Blazing Saddles.

By 1977, the ravenous cave man had been civilized into a New Sensitive Man.  He even knew how to hold a spoon properly.

"You're Nothing Special": A Teenager with No Magic Power and her Gay BFF Look for Love in Catalonia

 

Every other drama on Netflix is about a teenager with magical powers, but the six-episode Spanish teencom You're Nothing Special features a teenager who doesn't have magical powers!  Everyone just thinks she does because her advice and confidence-building work.

I'm in!  I reviewed Episode 6, "We All Do Stupid Things," in which "Javi meets up with a mystery man."  It sounds like a gay romance, unless, of course, Javi happens to be a girl with a boy's name.

Scene 1:  Amaia, a middle-aged teenager, leaves an extremely ornate 16th century building and rides her bike through her village.  Then she sits down to breakfast -- pancakes -- while Mom disgustingly slurp-kisses her cheek for about ten minutes.  

She rides through town again, then sits down for a second breakfast with Mom Laura and preteen sister.  She suggests: "We haven't done anything for a long time except slurp-kiss each other.  Why don't we go to that overlook point."  This upsets Mom, for some reason.

Scene 2:  More riding through town (at least we see a lot of it).  Amaia finally arrives at the school (ultra modern), where her three friends are waiting: a girl (Lucia), a sassy femme guy (Javi, right), and an Asian guy (Zhao, left). 

They order her to talk to her crush, Asier (Gabriel Guevara, top photo), because they kissed at a party, and he's posted fifty photos to social media without his girlfriend, which means he's available.  So, three romcom bffs obsessed with her love life?

In other news, femme Javi announces that he's about to get "super-laid": a guy approached him on a hookup app.  He didn't post a photo, but he sounds hot.  They scoff: "No photo?  Dude, he's a troll!"  

Suddenly the Crush Asier approaches and shy-talks to Amaia.  "I want to ask you something...um...er...can I borrow your philosophy notes?"  Darn, she thought he was going to ask her out on a date! 

 "Sure, but they're at home.  Let's meet up later and I'll get them for you."  Smart move!

Scene 3:  Outside the ornate 16th-century building (where they live!), Amaia's preteen sister announces that she was invited to a party, so the magic bracelet worked.  "So I'm going to sell it to Maria for 20 euros."  "No way!  The magic will work only for you, unless you get 25 euros for it."  Har-har, capitalism wins over mysticism

It's time for the philosophy note meetup, at the town's quaint open-air market.  Asier says "Thanks.  You're like my Grandma."  Not what a girl wants to hear, but she pushes forward: "Remember when we kissed at the party?" "Not really.  I kiss a lot of people when I'm drunk.  I apologize if it offended you."  Definitely not what a girl wants to hear.

Scene 4:  Morning.  Amaia overslept!  She rushes to school and into a lab full of microscopes.  Javi announces that his hookup app has yielded  "12 profile views, 7 messages, and 2 dick pics.  Wanna see?"  Plus a text from the annoying shy guy with no profile pic.

While the teacher drones on, oblivious, they discuss Amaia and Amier's kiss. "I was the aggressor," she exclaims.  "And I closed my eyes, like an idiot!"  I've hooked up with guys in Barcelona.  They close their eyes while they kiss.  "Yes, but he let you kiss him.  That means he's interested."  Suddenly they see Crush Amier making out with his girlfriend -- extensively -- in class -- with the teacher still oblivious!  

Amaia storms out.  Javi looks at a new butt pic on his hookup app.  This, the teacher notices!  Boy-girl smooching is fine, but looking at a boy's butt -- detention!

Scene 5:  Back home, Mom presents Amaia with a tray of disgusting looking black globs.  She tries one, and gags and spits it out.  Braver than I would be.  The globs are peace offerings, to satiate her daughters while Mom announces that she has a boyfriend.  "He's interesting and funny."  In West Hollywood, the next question would be "How big is he?"  

"By the way, we're going out tomorrow night. You can have friends over, but no parties."

Scene 6: Amaia announces the big party at her house with no adult supervision.  Javi can't make it: he's made a hookup date with the guy who sent the butt pic.  Javi's a femme top.  They do exist.  

"But you just barely met him. He didn't even show you his face." "I didn't show my face, either, just my chest and dick."  

None of the other cast have beefcake photos available, so here's a random Spanish hunk.

Scene 7: Amaia and her female bff Lucia are off by themselves, for some reason, when they see Crush Amier's girlfriend Irene leaving the town medical center, crying.  Pregnant!   Lucia rushes over to comfort her: "The first sessions are the hardest.  I've been going for a year."  

"Well, I'm quitting!  I hated it!  Besides, no shrink can fix me -- I'm too broken."  The Girlfriend is in therapy for an unspecified but serious issue.  The subplots thicken.

Scene 8:  Amaia in bed, ruminating over the kiss.  To get her mind off it, she recites the Harry Potter books, in order.  That doesn't work, so she resolves to snare Asier, girlfriend or not.

Scene 9:  Morning.  How can Amaia get her Crush Amier to the party without his girlfriend, so she can put the moves on him?  She starts out by inviting Jokin and his smooching partner. "But can we bring our friend Asier?  We were supposed to hang tonight."  Score!    

The party starts at 10:00 pm, shortly after Mom leaves for her dinner date (they eat at ungodly late hours in Spain).

Uh-oh, bff Lucia offered Irene the use of Amaia's magical powers.  This enrages her. "Are you insane?  I can't just trot out my magic for everybody!"  "But the pre-magic interview could reveal some intel that you could use to snare Asier." "Ok, I'll do it."

Scene 10:  Amaia is setting up for the party, when Javi calls.  He's waiting for his date at a bus stop in front of a scary deserted factory.  The guy is late.  And later.  And later.  Maybe he bailed.  

Zhao arrives at the party -- the first one there!  "Oh, other people are coming.  They're just late.  No one wants to be first."  

Meanwhile, Javi is fuming at the bus stop, when a scary car pulls up.  Do not get into a car with a stranger!  But he does.  Ulp -- Javi thought age 30 was geriatric.  This guy remembers Woodstock!  He's also the father of one of Javi's friends.

But Javi can't just bolt, so the hookup commences. He stares in deer-caught-in-headlights horror as Geriatric makes small talk.  

Scene 11: Still only Amaia and Zhao at the party.  They watch a movie and get drunk, and discuss Zhao's crush on the other bff, Lucia.  Amaia offers him a love spell.  "Yeah, like that worked well for you and Amier."  

Meanwhile, Javi is staring in horror through the interminable drive to the hookup site. Geriatric notices and asks his age.  "16."  "Ulp!  Um...er...um..maybe I should just take you home." Geriatric isn't perving on teens: Javi didn't list his age on the hookup profile, either. 

Back to Zhao and Amaia: "Well, it was fun watching a movie with you, but I have to go or my parents wil kill me."  "You said you didn't have a curfew..."  "Well...um, er...bye!"  

Amaia cleans up the party stuff just in time: Mom and her boyfriend come in and start smooching and giggling.  She tries to sleep amid the loud sex noises.

Scene 12: Morning.  Stocking-clad feet try to sneak out.  It's Mom's ugly boyfriend.  Too late -- the girls see him!  He pretends that he just entered the house.  When Amaia sees who it is, she storms out.  "How could Mom be dating him?"  

She walks to school with Javi, who complains "Being gay in this town is the worst!  All the gay men are closeted or way old!"  Try a small town on the Plains with nothing but collegiate twinks. 

Scene 13: Gym class.  "So, are you going to tell Chivite that his dad is gay?"  "No.  My Mom is friends with his wife."  "Does she know that he's fucking teenagers?"  "Maybe she's ok with it."  

Scene 14: Class.  Oh, Mom's new boyfriend is Amaia's hated philosophy teacher.  He keeps her and Amier's girlfriend Irene after class to complain about their assignments: "An absolute disaster!  Can you explain why you did such a terrible job?  Maybe you should be in the remedial class."  There's a remedial philosophy class?  

They leave, complaining about what an asshole he is.  Irene hints that the townsfolk have many secrets.  "If you only knew..."   To hear the dets, Amaia offers to walk Irene home. 

On the way,  Irene asks her to use her magic to "change something about me.  Something that I am, or something that I feel."  Is she a lesbian? "I want to like Asier, but I think I'm a lesbian."  Called it!  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Other Sights: A lot of the town.

Heterosexism:  Amaia's pursuit of Amier fuels the primary plot.

Gay Characters: Javi and Irene.  As someone whose partner is 20 years younger, I was offended by the "old people are gross!" rhetoric.  And Irene seems way too homophobic for a contemporary Spanish teenager: lesbians are "broken" and require psychotherapy to be "cured"?  

Fast Forwarding:  Javi gets a boyfriend at the big St. John's Eve party in the last episode.  Actually, everyone pairs off at that party; it's nonstop falling-in-love montages.

Gays Next Door in 1972: The Doris Day Show

In 1972, when I was 11 years old, my friends and I liked a sitcom called The Doris Day Show, mainly because it was squeezed between the beefcake-heavy Here's Lucy and Sonny and Cher.  

It was a Mary Tyler Moore clone, a workplace comedy centered on Doris Martin (Doris Day), a hip, sophisticated journalist for Today's World magazine, living in San Francisco and dating a number of cute guys (including Patrick O'Neal and bisexual rat packer Peter Lawford, left).

And, in a television first, there was a gay couple living next door!

Lance and Lester (Alan Dewitt, Lester Fletcher) were often referred to, but appeared just once, in a meeting of tenants in the November 27, 1972 episode, "The Co-Op."  I didn't catch the flamboyant stereotypes, and no one used the word "gay" -- I wouldn't hear the word on tv until 1976 -- but I saw that two men had found a way to live together, escaping the heterosexist mandate .  Could San Francisco be a "good place"?

Doris Day got her start in the light musical comedies of the 1940s, but she made her mark as a liberated woman in a series of Camelot-era sex comedies with suggestive titles: Pillow Talk (1959), It Happened to Jane (1959), Lover Come Back (1961), That Touch of Mink (1962), The Thrill of it All (1963), Move Over Darling (1963).  Her usual costar, gay actor Rock Hudson, helped her tiptoe around the boundary between not knowing that gay people exist and knowing but not saying.

But her sitcom began as a hayseed comedy!

In its first season (1968-69), The Doris Day Show was basically Green Acres: City girl Doris, a new widow, moves to her father's ranch with her two sons, Toby (Todd Starke) and Billy (Philip Brown, below, who would go on to a successful career as a soap hunk), plus a ranch hand (James Hampton, right) and a housekeeper.  It aired on Tuesday nights, just after another relic of the 1950s, The Red Skelton Show.

Doris hated hayseed -- she didn't even know that her husband Martin Melcher had signed her up for it.

So in the second season (1969-70), she pushed for some changes: although still living on the ranch, Doris commuted into San Francisco, where she worked as a secretary for Today's World magazine.

Today's World: Modern, hip, with it.

She got two quintessentially urban coworkers, played by  McLean Stevenson and Rose Marie.

In the third season (1970-71): Doris and her sons lived in an apartment over an Italian restaurant in San Francisco (Ranch?  What ranch?), where she got a gay-vague next door neighbor (Billy DeWolf).

In the fourth season (1971-72), the transition was complete: Doris was a sophisticated career woman, Ms. instead of Mrs., who had always been single (Kids?  What kids?).

And she managed to finagle some gay neighbors out of the network, something Mary Tyler Moore was never able to do.