Shayne Topp: Nickelodeon teen, Barry's buddy, bodybuilder, sketch comedian who pretends to be gay and huge down there. We'll see.

  

Link to the n*de photos

The Goldbergs (2017-23) was a nostalgic look at showrunner Adam F. Goldberg's childhood experiences in the 1980s, with Sean Giambrone as a stand-in for Adam.  I wasn't a fan: most of the experiences involved attempts to meet, impress, or win The Girl of His Dreams.  But it aired in the same block with Speechless and Modern Family, in the days before we went to all-streaming services, so we had no choice but to watch.  

I liked Adam's older brother Barry (Troy Gentile), a muscular wrestler, and in Season 2, the gay-vague hippie-chill Matt (Shayne Topp), who struggles become his friend and join the Jenkintown Posse.  As far as I remember, he never displayed any heterosexual interest, and he has a queer-coded attraction to Barry.He doesn't display any significant heterosexual interest in 75 episodes. 

Plus he was exceptionally cute,  and at 5'7", he was a member of the Short Guy Brigade.  Who could ask for anything more?

How about a muscular physique?

And other parts of interest.

Into tie-up games.

Plus he's a reader.

Born in 1991 in Florida, Shayne played the unrequired crush of a Yu'pik girl in Dear Lemon Lima (2009).  He was a regular in the teen variety show So Random (2011-12), and appeared in episodes of ICarly, Henry Danger, Sam & Cat, and Fred: The Show.  But he is best known as a sketch comedian.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe kisses, Kelvin erects, and Eli breaks a twink's thumbs

 

Link to the n*de guys

In the last scene, Keefe is excluded from Sunday dinner with the family.  Now we see what he missed:

Judy and BJ accused of betraying the family because they got married at Disney World (by Prince Eric, the "hottest guy in the Disney catalog"), and because they don't have kids.  Judy argues that she's trying to keep her body "foine" to incite BJ's desire.  Nope, they need to make babies. The job/house/wife/ kids litany again.

There's also a jab at Kelvin's muscle obsession. It's not just homoerotic desire: Jesse thinks that desire of any sort is inconsistent with family.  

Left: Jonah Hauer-King, who played Prince Eric in the Litle Mermaid movie.

More Disruptions: We cut to Eli playing croquet, gazing at women, and flirting with a lady.  Suddenly Junior, his friend from his wrestling days, appears amid sinister music!   Eli ignores him and drives away.  A disruption of Eli's heterosexual dalliance, parallel to the God Squad disrupting the nuclear family procession earlier. 

My Mans:  The family flies to Florida to inspect the site of the Lyssons' proposed resort.   When they return, Keefe and the God Squad meet them at their private airfield.  The family is shocked: didn't they know about the God Squad? 

"Uh-oh, my mans!" Kelvin exclaims, rushing forward to tell Keefe "You are looking great!"  In Southern Coastal grammar, "mans" is singular, "mens" plural.  He means Keefe.

Keefe tries to move in for a kiss, but Kelvin blocks him with an awkward hug.  He tries again, and Kelvin blocks him again. Finally he makes a blatant "enough!" gesture and backs off.  Judy finds this little dance hilarious.   It reflects the couple's conflict this season: Keefe wants to join the family as Kelvin's partner, the equivalent of BJ, sitting at the dinner table being criticized, while Kelvin isn't sure that same-sex romance is even possible.  His muscle cult is about desire: no love allowed. 

We cut to Eli in his office, watching a tv news show: Thaniel Block being interviewed about the "salacious scandal" story that took down Pastor Butterfield.  How famous was this guy?  I thought he was just the anonymous pastor of a satellite church.  They preach "s*x only between married heterosexual partners, or you're going to hell," but privately they do everything under the sun.  Who will he target next?   Maybe Kelvin-- "Secretly gay youth minister and his stable of muscle boys."  Ulp.   

More after the break

Captain Tootsie

Captain Tootsie is one of the more interesting  superheroes of the Golden Age of Comics.  Debuting in 1943,  he sold Tootsie Rolls, those brown sugar-corn syrup concoctions, which gave him the "quick energy" to save the day.  His half-page adventures appeared in hundreds of comics, from Action Comics and Captain Marvel to A Date with Judy to Man. 

Captain Tootsie Battles Monster Man!
Captain Tootsie Tames a Tornado!
Captain Tootsie Traps Killer Bear with Invisible Light!
Captain Tootsie and the Return of Dr. Narsty!

Sometimes his adventures were a bit less urgent:

Captain Tootsie Saves School Party!
Captain Tootsie at the Winter Carnival!

 

Here he saves the world from Dr. Narsty, who has stolen a kid's toy cannon.  Hootin' Zoots! 

Captain Tootsie was drawn as a very muscular blond in a red shirt, yellow belt, and blue pants, which didn't look anything like the familiar brown-and-white tootsie roll.

His most frequent sidekick was Rollo ("roll-o", get it?), a miniature version of himself with blond hair, a red shirt, and pecs.

Sometimes he also hung out with Fisty, a petite black-haired boy wearing a suit; and Fatso, who had curly orange hair and wasn't very fat by today's standards.


More after the break

Johnny Karn: Lost virginity, pretentious straightness, psycho-slashers, and the most incredible d*ck you've ever seen

Link to the n*de photos

I found some very impressive photos belonging to someone named Johnny Karn, actor, with the most incredible d*ck you've every seen.  Even if he's a straight jerk, he's getting a profile.

#1: Is he gay in real life?  This requires checking his Instagram, Facebook, or in a pinch, TikTok.

Gay potential: "Two homies are standing up against bullying."

But Homie #2 is Alex Sola, whose Instagram consists almost entirely of photos establishing his marriage to the Most Beautiful Woman in the World.  The Homies were just pretending to be gay.

Plus Johnny poses with a woman and two young girls, saying: "Drinking deep from the chalice of life and holding our loved ones close."

Not only straight, but straight and pretentious.  

I already dislike this guy, but who cares?  His membrum virile is magnificent by every measure: length, width, and so on.  

#2: Has he played any gay characters?  This requires checking the IMDB, and maybe some episode synopses.

Research problem: there's no Johnny Karn.  The IMDB suggests Johnny Carson and John Karn, whose only screen credit is Jinxed (2000).   Our guy ain't Johnny Carson, and he's too young to be John Karn.

Turns out that he goes by John Karna on stage, and Johnny Karn in everyday life. 

Johnny Karn -- I mean John Karna -- was born in 1992 in Harris County, Texas.  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-fer-Sartain, Harris County, as an English instructor at Homophobia U.  

He graduated from Stanford High School in 2011,  and enrolled at the University of Oklahoma as a musical theater major. That's only marginally better. 

During his freshman year, he started his on-screen acting career with Bindlestiffs (2012): three high school guys, including Johnny as John Woo, are desperate to lose their virginity.  

He was also cast in as the lead in Premature, which premiered in 2014 at the SXSW FIlm Festival: A high school boy has to relive losing his virginity over and over until he meets with the right girl. What's with this "losing your virginity" theme? 

Among his misadventures: having to pleasure himself for the men's volleyball team when he calls them homophobic, although they are allies, and one of the team members is gay. 

Johnny's very attractive backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

 IndieWire named Johnny one of the "top 10 breakout stars" of 2014, so he dropped out of college and moved to Los Angele. Much better.  Get a place in West Hollywood.

More after the break