"The Naked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' d*cks, backsides, and gay-vague characters.

 

Link to the n*de dudes

Around 2008, I researched queer codes on children's tv for what turned out to be three scholarly articles.  I gave high scores to Drake and Josh,  Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide,  The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Phil of the Future, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Zoey 101 got low scores, and the lowest: The Naked Brothers Band.

It was a mockumentary about the misadventures of a fictional band led by preteen brothers, Alex and Nat Wolff.  They never explained the embarrassingly salacious name, but I assume that it meant that you would be seeing their real life, uncurated and unmediated. 

Of course, it was curated and mediated.  Alex and Nat did have a band, and some of their real-life bandmates (like Dan Levi, left) were in the cast, but most of the characters and situations were purely fictional.  They were not at all famous.  Yet.   

In 2004, actress Polly Draper had the idea of making a mockumentary about her sons' band, sort a preteen Spinal Tap or A Hard Day's Night.  She got her wealthy (or wealthier) brother to finance The Naked Brothers Band, filmed it in mid-town Manhattan, and entered it the 2005 Hamptons International Film Festival.  Nickelodeon bought it, and suggested a teencom spin-off, competition to the upstart Myley Cyrus in Hannah Montana. 

Nat Wolff was only twelve years old, and Alex was nine,  a little young to handle a teencom by themselves, so Polly added adults to the cast to pull some of the weight.  Mostly her relatives: husband Michael Wolff as the boys' widowed dad; niece Jesse as their babysitter; brother Tim as the school principal. Plus a steady stream of celebrity friends, including Ryan Seacrest, Tony Hawk, and Whoopi Goldberg, popped by to play themselves.

The result was three seasons of intense nepotism and aggressive "girls! girls! girls!' hetero-horniness (2007-09).

I only watched one episode for my research project (there were over 30 programs in my dataset), so to be fair, I just watched another:  "Three is Enough" (February 8, 2008)

In the teaser, Alex wants to practice putting his arm around his "true love" in the movies.  Nat is skeptical -- he has a new "true love" every week.  But he agrees to play the girl.  Then Alex plays the girl so Nat can practice.  The gender-play is a queer code, but it's drowned out by the endless discussion of how many girls they like.

Next: they have writen a new song, "Three is Enough."  Babysitter Jesse agrees: three is the perfect amount of everything, from donuts to boys. For instance, she can't choose between the three "adorable Timmerman Brothers" (played by Polly's excessively rich nephews).  She implies that she is dating all of them, and perhaps not one at a time. Maybe they are involved in a queer four-way romance.

Then the Handsome Foreigner next door (Michael W. Barry)  asks her to the big horror movie.  The Timmermans get jealous and decide to spy on them.

At the studio, famous cartoonist Jules Feiffer, playing himself, is drawing cartoons to project over the band's new song.  Alex asks to be portrayed as cooler and more teenager-ish, and for the girl he is in love with to look more like his real-life true love.  

The main plot: their manager, 12-year old Cooper (Cooper Pillot) accidentally asks a girl for a date.  The band suggests various ways to get out of it, but he doesn't want to get out of it. He just wants Nat to come along for moral support.  But Nat needs a date, and he can't ask his on-off girlfriend Rosalie (not pictured) while they're "on a break."  Can he?  This section can't be easily queered; it's boys and girls all the way down.

Verdict: A few gender-bending moments , but no gay subtexts.

I couldn't even find any gay actors in the cast, except for Andre Keenan-Bolger, who played the snippy director Christophe in four episodes.

After the break: Have the Naked Brothers continued their heteronormative erasure as adults?  Have they gotten naked?

Austin Lindsay: The casually n*de roommate on "Overcompensating" has a BFA and a lot of depressing shorts. With bonus n*de fratboys

  

Link to the n*de dudes

In Overcompensating Episode 1.1, the gay-but-in-denial Benny is trying to heterosexualize with his buddy Carmen, when his lacrosse-player roommate Trey bursts into the dorm room, knocking them over.  He glances at their n*de bodies and casually walks around them to grab his stuff so he can spend the night elsewhere. 

He returns in Episode 1.2 to be nonchalant about Carmen's pink-eye, and inEpisode 1.3, to casually walk around the dorm room in his birthday suit, disconcerting Benny (who still annoyingly thinks that he's straight). 

Wait -- Trey shows his d*ck

Twice?

He also shows his backside, but  Overcompensating is a backside fest.  We also see the rear ends of Benny, his sister's boyfriend, and the entire fraternity (below).  I'm more interested in the d*ck guy, Austin Lindsay.

Research is a bit difficult. Austin Lindsay is also the name of a University of Missouri wrestler, an actor in Boise, Idaho, a photographer in Salt Lake City, and a baseball player at TCNJ (I clicked on several home pages, and still couldn't find any indication of what it is.  A college in New Jersey?).

But I found our Austin's Facebook, Linkedin, and Backstage resume.  He was born 2001 in North Bay, Ontario, on the north shore of Lake Nipissing, about four hours north of Toronto.  

He studied dance and performed with the Performers Dance Company in North Bay.

In high school he appeared in Catch Me if You Can (2015), West Side Story (2016), and Mama Mia (2019), and wrote/directed the short Querencia (2019).  In spite of the title, it has no queer content: an elderly musician reunites with his dead wife.

 More after the break

Raising Arizona: Nicolas Cage bulges, John Goodman is nearly gay, and there's screaming, screeching, and heterosexism

 

Last night for movie night we saw Raising Arizona (1987).  I never saw it before, assuming that it was some smarm about a guy helping his girlfriend raise her daughter (named Arizona).  No, the title is a misdirection: no one is raised, and Arizona is, for some reason, the last name of the family and the state they live in (although they speak with Deep South accents).

The plot: Small-time robber H.I. McDonnough (Nicolas Cage) keeps getting arrested and sent to prison, but there are no bullets in his gun, so his sentences are only a few months long.  He falls in love with Ed, the cop who keeps taking his mug shots (don't get excited, it's a lady, played by Holly Hunter).  After his latest release, he finds a regular job, she quits the police force,  and they get married and move into his horrible house trailer in the desert outside Tempe, Arizona.  

He's achieved the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and...uh-oh, he still needs kids, and Ed is "barren."

Idea: Wealthy furniture store owner Nathan Arizona (Trey Wilson) and his wife have just had five babies, the Arizona Quints.  No one can handle that many, so why couldn't Hi and Ed take one off their hands?  It would be doing them a favor.

They kidnap "the best" of the group, Nathan Jr. (played by TJ Kuhn, who didn't want to be an actor.  He's now a real estate agent.)

Meanwhile, brothers Gale and Evelle (John Goodman, William Forsythe) break out of prison and impose upon HI and Ed.  They kidnap the baby for a reason I don't remember (either to return him to his parents for the reward,  or to force HI to join them in a bank robbery).  But they grow attached, and decide to raise Nathan Jr. on their own.

Hi has a vision of a a scary, motorcycle-riding bounty hunter (Randall Cobb), who throws hand grenades at squirrels.  He turns out to be real, and offers to find the boy for the reward money. Nathan Senior rejects him, but he tracks Hi/Ed and Gale/Evelle down anyway.

After many chases, robberies, gun fights, and "leaving the baby behind", everything works out: the bounty hunter is exploded, Gale and Evelle return to prison, and Hi/Ed return the baby.  Nathan Senior doesn't press charges, because "there was no harm done."  Except putting him and his wife through several days of worry?

Beefcake:  Nicolas Cage is shirtless a lot, with a hairy chest that I haven't seen in his other movies, and there's a lot of attention paid to his bulge.

There are some cute cops and FBI agents in the background.

More after the break

The ten best "Righteous Gemstone" episodes, from "Wicked Lips" to the Season 4 Interlude. Plus the ten worst "WTF?" episodes.

  

Link to the NSFW version

The 36 episodes of the Righteous Gemstones are a mixed bag.  Some are marvels of cinematic craftsmanship, tightly plotted, exciting, rewarding a careful investigation of props and background songs, and loaded down with queer codes.   Others are, to use the scholarly term, crap, with horrendous plot holes, terrible pacing, misleading props and background songs. and just a few queer crumbs -- if not outright queerbaiting. 

The Ten Best Episodes

1.4, "Wicked Lips."  Scotty and Gideon go on a date, and discuss their bedroom activity, with a romantic and an er*tic song. Keefe hasn't thought of Kelvin as a potential boyfriend yet, so he looks for love in a sports bar, and then encounters his old Satanist friends.  Plus S*men Load Guy (left).

1.7, "And Yet One of You is a Devil."  Scotty and Gideon break up, and each tries to pretend that it was just a fling, not true love.  But it doesn't work: Scotty kidnaps his ex-boyfriend and his father, forces them to open the church vault, and cries "You made your choice, and broke my heart" before driving off into oblivion.  Not to worry, Aimee-Leigh brings Scotty back to his true love.

1.9: "Better is the End of the Thing than the Beginning"  After breaking up with Keefe, Kelvin nearly comes out, but decides he's probably the Messiah instead. Keefe returns to the Satanists, and does a performance art piece where he is immersed in a tub of jizz.  Kelvin comes rushing to the rescue. And we see Keefe's d*ck (again).

2.1, "I Speak in the Tongues of Men and Angels."  Who knew that the world-famous televangelist Eli Gemstone started his career as a loan enforcer along with his boyfriend Junior?  And Kelvin becomes the Messiah of Muscle, with a cadre of musclemen lifting weights and frolicking in his front yard.

2.6: "Never Avenge Yourself, but Leave It to the Wrath of God."  Keefe and Kelvin do bedroom stuff, but fans argued that Keefe was just helping him on with his underwear, leading to extensive conversations about how professionals help invalids get dressed (hint: you don't kneel in front of them).  The God Squad takes over the mansion, forcing Kelvin to become their maid and Keefe to become their s*x slave.  And Eli breaks up with Junior, who runs off broken-hearted (and fans argued that they were just friends!).

2.9: "I Will Tell of All Your Deeds"  The mysteries are all resolved in a way that makes sense, Eli and Junior reconcile, Junior gets a new boyfriend, and Keefe is admitted to the family as Kelvin's partner.  Plus the song "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend" has us all in tears.

3.3: "For Their N*kedness is Your N*kedness."  Kelvin almost calls Keefe his "boyfriend."  Keefe performs a highly erotic fire dance at Cousin's Night.  Afterwards they're shown on their way home for "hot s*x."  Plus Robert Oberst, a Norwegian Fire Viking, and a Balkan s*x god.

3.5: "Interlude 3."  Kelvin is obviously gay, we see Braxton Alexander's bare backside, and Uncle Peter has a beautifully-staged decline and fall.

 4.4.: "He Goeth Before You into Galilee."  At the Lake House, the siblings try various pranks to make their dad Eli break up with his new girlfriend.  A pleasant, rather fluffy episode.  Plus we see Keefe in drag and a lot of male Gemstones in swimsuits, and Pontius is identified as gay or bi. The only plot problem: when Eli and Lori don't come down for breakfast, the siblings burst into their bedroom, and catch them in the act.  Who would do that? 

4.5: "Interlude IV." The night that the Golden Bible was stolen.  Plus Kelvin as an obviously gay teen idol fan, an effervescent Young Corey, and Young Jesse in his underwear.  I like how Jesse accidentally drinks the intruder's urine, a callback to Keefe's worry about the devil's urine earlier.

Worst episodes after the break