Matt Crabtree: Shy, stuttering bi boy grows up to "Modern Family," "Will and Grace," one-man shows, and some d*ck pics. Plus Tony Danza in the shower.

  

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In Modern Family Episode 5.11 (2014), gay couple Mitchell and Cam are considering booking a wedding venue from the officious Mr. Quigley.  But when they step out for a moment to discuss the expense, a girl calls to  book it for her Sweet Sixteen party.  It turns out that she's a student in Cam's music class -- so crazy schemes and mishaps follow.

Wait -- Mr. Quigley is cute...and much shorter than Mitchell and Cam!  A new member of the Short Guy Brigade!

Actor Matt Crabtree has a strong social media presence, with  Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, and Linkedin, plus his own website. So it's easy to piece together his biography.

He grew up in McCleansville, North Carolina, near Greensboro, where he was the "shy, quiet, stuttering boy" who began to entertain his classmates by doing impressions.  In 1995, he received his B.S. in Biology from the fundamentalist Campbell University in Blues Creek, North Carolina.  Another bio says that his degree is a BFA in Theater.

Is that just a fold of fabric, or do you hang left?

Next Matt enrolled in a nursing program at the Medical College of Virginia, but he dropped out after a semester for a national tour of She Loves Me, then a European tour of West Side Story, and a stop in Chicago to train at the Steppenwolf Theater. 

His other theatrical roles change from resume to resume: 

The Book of Liz: I figured it would be about Elizabeth Taylor, but it's actually a series of comedic sketches by Liz and David Sedaris

The Homosexuals: This one is usually omitted.

The Santaland Diaries: a one-man show based on a David Sedaris' anecdote about working as a Christmas elf at a department store

The Illusionarium: "an immersive, theatrical magic show."

Fully Committed: a comedy about chef taking reservations for his restaurant, with one actor playing 39 characters.

Matt has 51 acting credits listed on the IMDB, beginning with some shorts and going on to episodes of Diagnosis Murder, The Parkers, Nip/Tuck, Malcolm in the Middle, The O.C., Bones, and Masters of Sex. 

He is particularly proud of a "hilarious" run Episodes 8.2 and 8.18 of Will and Grace (2005-06): he plays the Stage Manager of Jack's tv show, Jack Talk

Stage Manager: "We've got a problem."

Jack: "If you got somebody pregnant, Straighty, that's your problem, not mine."

And Falling Upwards (2012), a comedy about unemployment.  I can't find out anything else about it, as it gets drowned out by the cartoon series (2016), the short about an apprentice angel (2019), the podcast starring Aimee Kwan (2024), and the book on spirituality.   In this version, Matt and his future wife Michelle C. Bonilla are the creators, writers, and stars, seen here with Deidre Edwards, and Pip Lilly.

Pip Lilly -- obviously a stage name -- is a "big ole Gen X queen" who uses he/him pronouns.

Most recently Matt played an attorney in two episodes of Harlem (2023) and Charlie's father in City on Fire (2023).  Charlie is played by Wyatt Oleff, but I can't find out anything else about him, except he meets a Girl who introduces him to art, music, and love -- but that's every young man in every movie ever made.

And I seem to recall Wyatt kissing Skyler Gisondo.

More after the break

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

When I moved to West Hollywood in 1985, everyone was watching Movie Macabre (1981-86), starring Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (Cassandra Peterson).  A throwback to the horror movie hosts of the 1950s and 1960s, Elvira was vampire-like being with a Valley Girl accent ("As if!") and a revealing Morticia Addams outfit.

She showed bad movies like The Fall of the House of Usher (with peplum star Mark Damon not taking his clothes off), Horror Hospital (with Robin Askwith threatened by gay psycho surgeons), and Werewolf of Washington (with Dean Stockwell, werewolves, hippies, and hippie werewolves).

In a tradition that would extend to Mystery Science Theater 3000, Elvira made snarky comments about the movies.  And in the tradition of drag queen performers, she made lots of self-referential jokes about her sexual escapades and cleavage ("I'm glad to see you're back...and you're glad to see my front!").  

Gay fans loved her, and she returned the affection, appearing at AIDS benefits and Gay Pride parades through the 1980s.

And not only gay fans.  She was everywhere, branding her image to sell everything from beer to Halloween costumes.

The feature film Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988) sends Elvira to the small town of Falwell (named after Jerry Falwell, the poster boy for 1980s homophobia), where she befriends all of the town's outcasts, butts heads with local bigots and romances an uptight theater manager (professional hunk Danny Greene).

Since Elvira is immortal, she continues to perform, cleavage and all.  She continually hosts new versionfs of Elvira's Movie Macabre., on cable in the 2000s and now on Amazon Prime.

See also: Bill Cable: 1980s n*de model and gay video performer, boyfriend of Elvira and Pee-Wee Herman, rock star in "Basic Instinct"

Danny Greene: Professional Hunk of the 1980s

Which of the actors named Brandon Stewart is gifted beneath the belt? Gay, straight, Australian, Spanish? With many examples.

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Brandon Stewart appeared on AZ Men showing us his rather impressive beneath-the-belt gifts, but with no other identifying information.  The name sounds familiar, but the only Brandons I've profiled are teen idol Righteous Gemstones guest star Brandon Johnston (below) and teen idol Brandon Spink (bottom photo).

Another photo for reference.

He looks a little like Brandon Johnston, but the entry said Stewart, and there are at least a dozen Brandon Stewart actors out there.

N*de photos of all of these actors are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

The three who pop up most often in internet searches:

1. Born May 24th in Louisville, Kentucky.  He has 27 acting credits and 36 production credits, but not in anything I have ever heard of: Guess Clue, Drylands, The Brass Rails, Claire Rock Smith. The Dolls, Little Hollywood.

I've gone through his social media posts. He's probably gay, but he looks nothing like our Brandon.

2. Born in Cooper, East Texas. He's got 11 acting credits on the IMDB, none that I've ever heard of: The Sand Dune, Eyewitness Bible Series, The Dead at Night, and Sovereign.  But he says that he got Director of the Year and Best Actor Awards from the Texas Indie Filmmakers.

Social media reveals that he's probably straight, but again, nothing like our Brandon.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Carrie, 2026: The girl who trashed her prom is back, with doomsday preppers, school lock-downs, and a gay teacher, plus Rahul and Arik d*cks

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It's been 50 years since Stephen King's Carrie was first humiliated at her high school prom, and used her telekinetic powers to destroy the school. We have the original novel and the 1976 movie starring Sissy Spacek and John Travolta (plus new versions in 2002 and 2013), so why do we need a new Carrie tv series in 2026?  Because the world is much darker place now, and the themes of fundamentalism, bullying, and being an outsider are more relevant than ever.  Besides, according to the buzz, there's going to be queer content. so let's check.

Each episode is named after a high school class, except for the first, just entitled "First Period."

Scene 1: A series of 911 calls saying that the high school is on fire during the prom, it has spread into the town, everyone is dead. 200 people killed, the whole town destroyed.

Some time later, Focus Character Sue goes on a podcast to tell us that there's something we don't know about what happened in Chamberlain: the whole town destroyed, 200 people killed.  'We were kids, just trying to do our best."

Scene 2: While a conspiracy theorist rants on the radio, a guy (Talmoh Penniket, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) leaves his decrepit house and gets into his redneck pickup truck.  The mailbox is locked, and there's a "no soliciting" sign.   He drives to a construction site and gets to work. Uh-oh, a huge pile of bricks falls down on him, crushing him.

Cut to the police talking to the crew foreman.  Somebody has to claim the body, "Did Mr. White ever mention anyone to you?  A boyfriend, a girlfriend?"  Hey, no heteronormativity!  And on Amazon Prime! 

"No.   He didn't talk much.  All I know is that he was a vet, and a bit of a doomsday prepper."

Next the property manager let the police into his house, so they can look for his next-of-kin.  Didn't he have an emergency contact?  I have one at my job, and I don't work with gigantic bricks.  

There's dinner settings for three -- "I thought he lived alone" -- and a thumping in the closet: a mother and daughter hiding.  The daughter is, of course, Carrie.

Scene 3: Back on the podcast, Focus Character Sue is asked to tell them more about Carrie White.  Other students chime in: she was "real quiet," a bully, "genuinely kind," a troublemaker, a victim, a hero. a monster, "my friend."  A social worker adds that Carrie was born in the house, and never left.   They were "a cult of three," with no phones, no television, no internet.  She was "stunningly uninformed," but extremely smart.

Mom hadn't been out of the house in 15 years, either.  The judge agreed that she could keep custody, but she had to go to work, and Carrie had to go to school.

Scene 4: The first day of school.  Focus Character Sue fixes breakfast for her two sisters (aren't there any boys in this town?). Mean Girl checks on her Duke University application -- nothing yet -- and suggests that Dad (Michael Trucco, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) build them a new gym to sway her admission.  She wants crepes for breakfast, but Dad refuses and insults his ex-wife.

Cut to a girl putting oatmeal on her face. Everyone rejects her.  Next she tries brown toothpaste.  Now she's a superstar, loved by the whole school.  Wait -- it's an ad?  Impossible.  No ad could be so idiotic.

Mean Girl picks up Sue in her tank-sized car, and they drive to school.  They're both applying to Duke, where they plan to be roommates.

Mom drops Carrie off at school, and cautions: "Take pity on them. Most of them aren't awake. Especially the teachers.  Don't let them fool you."  When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, they told us that sinners would be trying to brainwash us every moment, so you had to be on guard.  The most casual comment, like "What did you do over the weekend," was suspect.

She enters the school all happy, but is horrified by the metal detector installed to keep school shooters out.  I am, too. Her cross on a chain sets off the alarm.  I would interpret that as an attack on Christianity. Mean Girl and Sue, watching  advise that she stop being poor: precious metals don't set it off.

Next she is horrified by the sight of two girls kissing. Homophobic, or did your limited education not mention the exitence of LGBTQ+ people?  

Weird that no one stares at her for her 19th century pioneer dress. 

Guidance Counselor Morton (Tim Bagley) helps her find her first class.  The actor is gay, but I imagine the character is straight by default.

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: a n*de dude to tide you over.

More after the break