Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four d*cks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German dudes, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

  

 Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you into Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing n*de, nice shots of his front and back, which made some viewers angry: "Nobody likes looking at that!  Why can't we see Amber's stuff instead?  Every man on Earth, without exceptions, wants to see Amber n*de." Ever hear of gay men, guys?

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little a*-kiss."  Abraham has like two lines this season, both about backsides.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing n*aked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom closet.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them moved to Kelvin and Keefe's room.

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, uses a "play within a play" to discover that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King so they could take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay.  Pontius and Abraham get some queer codes, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork.  

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big D*ck Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big D*ck Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms out.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his d*ick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: In the bedroom, Kelvin shoves the rack of Aimee-Leigh's clothes into the bathroom, then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.   

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or flirty?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." 

The movie also has a parallel to the Gemstones in the character Mark Jarvis (Tom McBride, top photo, no relation to Danny McBride), who uses a wheelchair.  The actor was gay in real life, and did some n*de modeling during the 1980s.  He died of AIDS in 1995.

Jesse thrusts: Down in the rec room, Amber is happy to see Gideon interacting with his brothers, and Jesse again gets jealous. Dude, he's just not into you anymore.  Time to move on. 

Complaining about Eli/Lori,, Jesse asks if Amber would mind if he started dating one of her close friends after she died.  He describes the act in lurid detail, thrusting aggressively as he imagines his father doing it.

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Eli/Lori again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan: The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur. a shot that appeared in the trailer and made fans think he and Kelvin had kids. No, he's waving at Kelvin. Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly -- about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

"Best Foot Forward": Boy negotiates middle school with a prosthetic leg, a h*ng dad, a bodybuilder brother, a gay buddy, and no annoying girl-craziness

  

Link to the n*de dudes

We just dumped Peacock in favor of Apple Plus, so now we can watch Best Foot Forward (2022), based on childhood experiences of  "Paralympian, comedian, author, disability advocate, and Halloween enthusiast" Joshua Sundquist (underwear photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) 

Focus character Josh has been home schooled since he lost his left leg at age nine, but he finally convinces his parents to allow him to start seventh grade in public school.  He faces the standard junior high problems of friends, math tests, soccer practice, movie night, and school dances.

Josh is played by Logan Marmino, fifteen years old in 2025 and thinking about college.  Maybe Johns Hopkins?

He's an accomplished athlete, competing in Paralympics track and high school basketball and baseball.  Plus surfing and skateboarding. 

When showrunner Joshua Sundquist invited him to audition for Best Foot Forward, he had no acting experience, not even a school play.  And he doesn't really seem interested in an acting career -- he hasn't appeared in anything since. Sports and disability activism keep him busy.

While Josh is experiencing the joys and hassles of junior high, Dad and Mom (Stephen Schneider, left, Joy Suprano) have B plots of their own, like when they tried to order two pizzas, and accidentally ordered twenty. "Sometimes older people can't see the order screen very well," the delivery guy explains, to Mom's consternation.

Stephen Schneider may be best known for a five-minute long n*de fight scene in The Righteous Gemstones, but he has 37 acting credits on the IMDB, including three tv series reviewed here: You're the Worst, Broad City. and Nobody Wants This, 

Josh's younger brother Matt (Roger Dale Floyd) mostly tries to help, or feels left out when Josh gets all of the attention.

Roger Dale Floyd, 13 years old in 2025, has appeared in The Walking Dead, Doctor Sleep, Greenland, and Stranger Things.  He is a junior bodybuilder, interested in promoting fitness among teens and tweens. 

In Greenland (2020), Roger and his Mom and Dad (Gerard Butler) must flee cross-country to safety after a comet-Apocalypse.  Whoops, they forgot to bring his insulin. 

N*de Gerard Butler on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Josh makes two friends, Kyle (Peyton Jackson, left) and Gabriella (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss).

Peyton Jackson has 14 acting credits on the IMDB, most recently Pet Investigators (2025), about three teens who crack a pet-theft ring.  The baddies are played by former teen idols Sean Astin, David Faustino, and Corin Nemec, and the hunk by Mike Markoff (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

I have bad luck with junior high and high school comedies.  They invariably present their male characters as absurdly girl crazy, their every action designed to meet, impress, or win Girls! Girls! Girls!: "Let's join chess club -- there will be girls there!  Let's buy a new skateboard -- we can use it to get girls!  Let's jump out of an airplane -- maybe a girl will see us!"

I'm reviewing the "School Dance" episode with my "heteronormative erasure!" complaints ready.

Review after the break

Lost in Space (the original series): Camp sci-fi with with a cute boy and a cool robot. Plus Billy Mumy all grown up.

My parents didn't approve of science fiction -- they thought it would promote atheism.  But   Lost in Space (1965-68) aired before their favorite hayseed comedies, The Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres -- so we watched.  

In the far-future year 1999, a family of space colonists sets off for Alpha Centauri in their cool flying-saucer spaceship, the Jupiter 2.  An evil spy sabotages the ship, so they veer off course, and are "lost in space."  Presumably they have warp drive.

The first season featured realistic science-fiction adventures, but then it become more and more camp, like Batman, the competition on the other channel, culminating in a giant talking carrot that wanted to change the Robinsons into trees. 

I don't remember much, just scattered images: 

A lonely boy from the other side of the looking-glass.

A demonic being claiming that he's as human as the rest of them.

The robot saying "Danger, Will Robinson!"

An alien robot saying "Crush! Kill! Destroy!"

And I remember the fandom.  Kids loved Lost in Space.  Star Trek was too grown-up -- Captain Kirk was always kissing a scantily-clad alien babe -- but Lost had no hetero-romance (at least we didn't notice any).  

And Star Trek had no kids.  Lost had Billy Mumy (pronounced moo-mee), a busy child star with previous roles on The Twilight Zone and Village of the Giants Not only because he was cute, and knew it, getting teen idol attention at the age of twelve -- but because his character, Will Robinson, was bright and resourceful, a respected crew member, never told "you're just a kid" or "wait here where it's safe."

Star Trek had no comic relief, but Lost had Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris), an accidental stowaway (originally an enemy spy trapped aboard while trying to sabotage the voyage, but they soon forgot about that).  Some fans think today remember him as a pedophile with an inappropriate interest in Will, but I recall their relationship was completely innocent.  They were friends because he was a big kid himself, an unrestrained id.  Plus lazy, cowardly, and  incompetent, so none of the adults wanted to hang out with him.

 

John Robinson (Guy Williams), the patriarch of the family (Guy Williams), didn't have much to do: Will and Dr. Smith stole the show.  But I recall that he was not at all interested in girls. He had a wife, Maureen (June Lockhart), but they behaved like colleagues, with few moments of tenderness and none of intimacy. 

Guy Williams had previously starred in several buddy-bonding projects, including Zorro (1957-59) and Damon and Pythias (1962), leading to speculation that he was gay in real life.  

    

More after the break

The top 25 gay-coded, beefcake-heavy TV shows of the decade

 I grew up in a working-class, Evangelical household where tv was the only permitted form of entertainment, so it was on all the time.  I still watch an hour or two almost every day, mostly to check for gay texts or subtexts.  That's a lot of tv programs.  Most fade into oblivion, but some are memorable due to their intriguing premises, interesting settings,  gay subtexts, or beefcake -- or all four.  These are the top 25  gay-coded, beefcake-heavy shows of the last decade, premiering 2016 to 2025.

Link to the n*de photos

2016

The Crown.  The life of Queen Elizabeth, with the glamour, glitz, and soap opera shenanigans of the royal family.  No gay characters, but future Doctor Who Matt Smith plays Prince Philip.

Kim's Convenience.  Korean-Canadian family in Toronto, with no gay characters after the first episode, but a lot of buddy-bonding and beefcake.

2017

Big Mouth.  Middle schoolers negotiate puberty, with the help of individually-assigned hormone monsters and other supernatural beings.  The gay guy eventually gets his own plotlines, coming out to his parents, dating the bi guy, and learning about online stuff.

 Britannia.  Romans vs. Celts in 43 AD, with creepy Druids, some possible paranormal, muscular soldiers, and some gay subtexts.

2018

Disenchantment: A parody of Medieval fantasy. Disappointing in the first season: my review calls it "gay free."  But showrunners often postpone the queer characters: they think all viewers are homophobic, and will run away screaming unless they become invested in the show before the queer characters show up.  Later seasons become immensely gay-friendly.

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. The teen witch of Archie comics with dark comedy plotlines, a same-sex romance, and a lot of hunk. ranging from Ross Lynch as regular boyfriend Harvey to Moses Thiessen as the pizza delivery guy.

2019

The Other Two.  A young teen achieves sudden fame, which disconcerts the Other Two, his sister and brother (who is gay). By the third season, they've all become successful, but there are still a lot of gay-romance plotlines and bare bottoms.

What We Do in the Shadows: Vampire roommates on Staten Island have more and more overtly gay plotlines as the series progresses. With out actor Harvey Guillén as their increasingly out assistant.

The Righteous Gemstones. An absurdly wealthy family of Southern televangelists negotiate threats.  I'm not sure I should include this one since, in retrospect, it was a little annoying.  Endless queer codes involving Gideon, Eli, and Pontius, with no resolution, just "crumbs."  And it took forever for Kelvin and Keefe to become canon.  They should have kissed at the end of Season 1.  

But I spent two years arguing about, researching, and posting about the show. And I found some cute gay actors...who haven't posted on social media since the series ended, grr.

2020

Solar Opposites.  Aliens crash-land on Earth, try to adjust to human life, become boyfriends and finally marry.  Plus a spin-off episode with Kieran Culkin and Skyler Gisondo in a strong gay subtext human-alien romance.

Panchayat.  Engineering grad Abhishek is talked into a civil service job in a remote village, where there are so many queer codes that I could swear they were deliberate.  And he doesn't meet The Girl!

More after the break