I finished my Ph.D. in 2001, and, unable to find an academic job in a university near a gay neighborhood, ended up moving to Wilton Manors, Florida, to share a house with my friend Yuri. I lived on writing and two part-time jobs, fitness trainer and English/composition instructor at the police academy.
Wilton Manors was like West Hollywood: as you traveled from the gym to the restaurant to the bookstore to the gay clubs, you rarely if ever saw a straight person. After four years as a stranger in New York, it felt like home.
But you still had to choose your movies and tv programs carefully. Homophobic slurs weren't as common as in the 1980s, but offensive stereotypes still appeared, and the heterosexism was rampant: LGBT people did not exist.
1. Orange County Arlo and Chad.
2. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Sam and Frodo subtext.
3. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Harry and Ron subtext.
3. Chicago. Strong lesbian subtext.
4. Spy Kids 2. Children's movie starring Daryl Sabara (left, later photo), who doesn't express any hetero-horniness.
5. Big Fat Liar. Children's movie starring Frankie Muniz of Malcolm in the Middle, who befriends a girl but doesn't fall in love with her.
6. Clockstoppers. A boy (Jesse Bradford) and a girl stop time, but don't fall in love.
1. 28 Days Later. Cilian Murphy wakes up in the zombie apocalypse, and hooks up with two survivors, a man and a woman. I'm all set for a nice triangulation, when all of a sudden the man dies.
Why does the man always die? Why do the last two people left always, always, always have to be a man and a woman? I felt sick.
2. Igby Goes Down. The title made it seem obviously gay-themed, and I heard the star, Kieran Culkin (left), was gay.
It wasn't gay-themed. There were no gay characters. Instead, there was an amazingly homophobic portrayal of a bi drug dealer.
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3. Spider-Man. I didn't even make it through the first scene before walking out in disgust.
And Pleasantville (1998), a send-up of the heterosexual nuclear family mythos.
We fade into a street view of bucolic small-town Queens, with an American flag and street traffic. "...somebody lied. But let me assure you. This, like any story worth telling, is all about (a boy and) a girl. That girl."
Who on Earth thought that this incredibly offensive slap in the face was a good way to begin a movie?
I stomped out of that theater pronto, and I've never seen any of uber-jerk Tobey Maguire's other heterosexist dreck.
2. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Sam and Frodo subtext.
3. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Harry and Ron subtext.
3. Chicago. Strong lesbian subtext.
5. Big Fat Liar. Children's movie starring Frankie Muniz of Malcolm in the Middle, who befriends a girl but doesn't fall in love with her.
6. Clockstoppers. A boy (Jesse Bradford) and a girl stop time, but don't fall in love.
Even though I was very careful, three intensely heteronormative movies still made it through my defenses:
Why does the man always die? Why do the last two people left always, always, always have to be a man and a woman? I felt sick.
It wasn't gay-themed. There were no gay characters. Instead, there was an amazingly homophobic portrayal of a bi drug dealer.
More after the break
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3. Spider-Man. I didn't even make it through the first scene before walking out in disgust.
I knew Tobey Maguire from Great Scott (1992), a Fox sitcom about a teenager with an active imagination and a gay-subtext best buddy.
The Ice Storm (1997), which I didn't actually go to see because it sounded depressing, but I heard that his character was gay.
And Pleasantville (1998), a send-up of the heterosexual nuclear family mythos.
Surely such a gay-friendly guy would not star in a homophobic movie.
I admit that I wasn't very familiar with the Spider-Man mythos, and didn't know that Spidey gets a girlfriend. But that was to be expected: 100% of American movies feature a boy-girl romance. Heteronormativity comes not in the hetero-romance, but in the assertion that it is universal human experience, every man without exception longs for The Girl.
Scene 1: After the lengthy opening credits, with the cast names, Spidey's muscular arm, and the Green Goblin's head piercing through spiderwebs, Peter asks us:
"Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said this was a happy little tale...if somebody told you I was just a regular guy, not a care in the world..."
We fade into a street view of bucolic small-town Queens, with an American flag and street traffic. "...somebody lied. But let me assure you. This, like any story worth telling, is all about (a boy and) a girl. That girl."
Close up of The Girl's face as she rides a schoolbus, while Tobey blathers on about how she is the Girl of His Dreams, his reason for living, the love of his life since he was a zygote, while I sat there, stunned.
Like any story worth telling?
First Tobey erases all action adventure, comedy, science fiction, and horror stories. The only story worth telling is about boys and girls gazing into each other's eyes forever. Nothing matters in life but that fade-out boy-girl kiss.
Next he erases gay men, and for that matter all male friendships. No same-sex bonds of any sort exist. I do not exist.
Who on Earth thought that this incredibly offensive slap in the face was a good way to begin a movie?
I stomped out of that theater pronto, and I've never seen any of uber-jerk Tobey Maguire's other heterosexist dreck.
Over the years, I've misremembered the line as "Like all stories, this story is about a girl." Same sentiment.
I've seen other Spiderman movies. They haven't been nearly as awful.
