"The Woods": I Know What You Did Last Summer...Um, I Mean 26 Years Ago

The Woods, a 5-episode Netflix mini-series, gets a 97% rating in my recommendations, and the plot sounds intriguing: In 1994, four teens go into the woods, and never come out. Besides, I haven't heard Polish spoken in a long time.  So ok.

Prologue 1: A  balding, bearded middle-aged man is staring into a gun barrel, and thinking. "In 1994, the summer was coming to an end, and so was my childhood."

Prologue 2:  A scary, empty summer camp. As the police wrap up some bodies in the woods, Teen Hunk is watching from the trees.  When they see him, he runs away.  Uh-oh, he must be the young Baldy, a murderer!

Scene 1 (1994); Teeaage girls at summer camp acting like five-year olds.  One is swinging.  Another  blows on a whirligig and laughs in delight.  I don't get it -- are these special needs children?  At least the boys are doing teen things, drinking wine and playing foosball. 

Out on the lake, three boys, including Teen Hunk, are frolicking (bare chest shots) while a Girl photographs them.

They head back to camp.  Teen Hunk and the Girl grin dopily at each other.

Mom and Creepy Head Counselor yell at Teen Hunk for shirking his responsibilities to go grinning dopily at The Girl.  He's supposed to be "looking after them."

Scene 2:  Teen Hunk blows off his duties again to go out into the woods with the three from the lake. They helpfully introduce themselves, although they obviously already know each other -- unless this scene is outof sequence: Pawel (Teen Hunk), Laura (the Girl), Artur (left), and Daniel.  The boys take off their shirts, and Laura photographs them.

That night, in the cabin, Pawel and his Sister discuss how hot Daniel and Laura are, respectively.

Scene 3: Pawel is off to make his nightime rounds, shining his flashlight into dark trees and checking the locks on buildings.  Artur and Laura  join him, and they go joy riding in a  car thats been parked in the woods all day with the keys in it.  Suddenly they hit someone!  Uh-oh, I know what you did last summer, 26 years ago!

Scene 4 (2019):  The Adult Pawel and, I assume, his wife Laura, are watching their daughter in a diving contest. Another daughter sits beside them (this is turning into a very distaff-heavy show).  Pawel refuses to take pictures of the competition, because they could end up on the internet, where pervs could access them. Geez, this guy is broken!  What happened at that summer camp?

Scene 5:  Plot dump:  Adult Pawel is a widower with a daughter.  He works as the chief prosecuting attorney of his district, obsessed with bringing pervs to justice.  Laura, who is married to someone else, has come for a visit.  She asks Pawel to move back home,so things could be like they used to be, but Pavel insists: "Nothing will be like it used to be."

Scene 6:  Although it's the middle of the night,after the competition, Pawel goes to work, analyzing criminal case files in his office.   Suddenly a police inspector shows up (why would he think that Pawel was even there in the middle of the night?).  By being threatening and sinister, he convinces Pawel to drive with him to a huge, scary building.

Plot dump:  Someone named Marek was murdered last night.  It's a fake name, so they don't know who he really was.  But he was carrying a lot of newspaper clippings about the 1994 disappearances, and Pawel's name and address..

Scene 7 (1994);  The guys are playing basketball (one shirtless, and a ginormous bulge), while girls look on with annoyingly blatant horniness -- they're dying to get laid, right now!  Wait -- weren't they acting like five-year olds earlier that day?

Artur obligingly approaches one, and they swallow each other's tongues for awhile, until Creepy Head Counselor interrupts them. .

Scene 8:  Creepy Head Counselor goes into the woods with some girls and flirts with them (I guess they're so horny they'll take anyone with a penis.)

Meanwhile, Pawel and Laura go to the beach, play with each other's toes, and smoosh their tongues inside each other's mouths.

Scene 9 (2019):  Adult Pawel examines the clippings from the Dead Guy's car.  Of course Creepy Head Counselor, aka "The Summer Butcher," was convicted of "killing that girl."  And of course he didn't do it.  Of course Dead Guy knew what Pawel did that summer, so Pawel killed him to keep him quiet.  At least, that's what the inspectors imply.  (But after killing him, Pawel left his name and address and the clippings in the car?He's not an idiot!)

Scene 10: Back home, Pawel has a cute-daddy scene with his daughter.  Wait -- isn't it like 2:00 am?  And didn't her cousin stay over.  Is this the same night as the swim meet?

Scene 11 (1994); The teens are bouncing around idiotically in what is apparently supposed to be dancing.  Artur gets mad at Daniel (left) for kissing his girl, and attacks.  His friends pull him away.  They discuss how love is unending agony.

They take off their shirts and dance and almost kiss.  Some gay subtexts going on.

But then the girls show up, gazing with that annoyingly blatant "Sex me up right now!" look, and invade the party.

Scene 12: Pawel stumbles into the woods and throws up.  Why, did a girl try to kiss you?  Laura comes out to grin dopily at him.

Scene 13 (2019):  By now it must be like 5:00 am. Adult Pawel rummages through his bulging files about that summer (so I guess he didn't do it).  Adult Laura joins him.

Plot Dump:  Mom, who ran the camp, abandoned him after the incident.  Or did she disappear because she knew something?

Scene 14 (1994): Mom yells at young Pawel for having booze parties with hoodlum friends like Artur: "Pull a stunt like that again, and God knows what I might do!"  (an obvious red herring)

She then yells at/threatens Artur: "Stay away from Pawel!  You're no good for him!" (Definite gay subtext, in spite of the girl-smooching.)

Scene 15 (2019): Adult Pawel swimming (kind of dumpy).  Then he goes to work, where his assistant shows him risque photos of her!  (is it taboo to say someone's name in Poland?).  He calls her, a college student, into his office.  Two guys raped her and then pled not guilty.  These photos will be used to "prove" that she is a slut who wanted the activity.

This is interesting, but...what's it doing here?

Later, Pawel is sitting in a cafe, when one of the boys' fathers shows up. He offers to pay the girl 50,000 zlotys and donate to Pawel's wife's foundation if he drops the case.  Then he threatens Pawel: "Everybody's got secrets."

Scene 16 (1994): The teens are doing their idiotic jump-dance thing.  Pawel sits outside under a tree.  Laura convinces him to walk into the woods.  Close-up of tongue-swallowing, then sex for abotu five minutes of air time.  They are interrupted by a loud noise.  Laura runs away, and Pawel looks in horror at....

Scene 17 (2019): Adult Pawel swimming and looking horrified.  Later, in the courtroom, Pawel moves to keep the boys in the rape case in custody while they analyze the forensic evidence.  Their Dad is not happy.

Scene 18: Pawel meets with the police inspector. Plot Dump: Four kids went into the woods. Two were found dead later.  The other two, including Artur and  his sister, were never seen again.

He finally agrees to look at the body from Scene 6, the guy who died with all the clippings from the incident in his car. "Fuck me -- impossible!"  It's Artur!

Beefcake: A lot of bronze bodies glistening in the sun in the 1994 scenes.  Young Pawel doesn't own a shirt.  The adult Pawel seems to go swimming before work every day.

Gay Subtexts:  Pawel and Artur.

Heterosexism:  A lot of smooching.

Heavily Broadcast, Obvious Red Herrings: A lot.

Weird Age Conflations:  The teenage girls act like they're five years old one moment, and auditioning for a porn movie the next.

My Grade: B.