"The Valley": Four or Five Friends Shriek, Sexy-Talk, and Nasty their Way through Life

 

"The Valley is the story of four friends trying to make it in Los Angeles as actors and filmmakers from the ground up." That's all the plot synopsis you get.  

The reviews on Amazon Prime don't help; as usual, they're a combination of "horrible, boring, amateurish dreck" and "the greatest masterpiece the world has ever known."  

No way to tell if there's a gay character, but maybe I'll get a nostalgia vibe from the shots of L.A.   I choose Episode 2, "Coffee Jacuzzi": "The Kliq looks for love in Hollywood."

Wait -- is this a band name?  If it's just a group of friends, it's spelled "clique."

Previously:  A mockumentary!  Yuck -- that's Strike 1.  A director wants to see a woman's cat, but he uses the term "pussy," which no one ever uses.  A guy takes a pill and gets an erection at an audition -- with a young boy on the set, which causes everyone to think...I'm almost out before Scene 1. But I'll hold out to see if there's a gay character.

Scene 1: The Black Guy in the confessional.  "I met a girl, she's very nice but a little crazy."  Cut to his house after a hookup, where she's tryng to smooch with him as he kicks her out.  He climbs back in bed, but she's there!  

Back to the confessional: "The only women attracted to me in this town are crazy."  Montage of him ejecting or carrying women from his house (lots of bare chest shots).

Back to the first woman.  She explains that she moved all her stuff in last night after sex, so they are living together.

Opening Credits (halfway through?): the four friends are introduced: Megan Skittles (blond), Darren (black), Lewis (nerd), Chode (drag queen). Renea (black).  These people can't count, but at least they included a gay character.

Scene 2: Chode the Drag Queen in the confessional, confessing his love for Renea, who doesn't want to date him.  Huh?  A straight drag queen?   So Lewis the Nerd must be gay.

Cut to the friends having breakfast: "smumfy cakes," which seems to be baby-talk for pancakes.   Darren states that the girl he hooked up with last night is pregnant (you can tell after less than 24 hours?) 

Confessional: Lewis the Nerd tells us that when Megan first moved in, "it was glorious, like Christmas morning."  But who wants Christmas morning every day?  Cut to Megan shrieking with ecstasy and screaming "smumfy cake!" about 38 times.

Scene 3: A business meeting with men discussing script ideas for their top client: The Italian Hardy Story, Top Gun 2: Eject or Die... Suddenly Megan calls: "I'm lost.  I was in a big scary building with high ceilings and people with orange uniforms, and I left, and now I'm lost." Seriously, what is wrong with this woman? Is she in character, auditioning by phone?   Business guy tells her that she is at the Home Depot, which she confused with a movie studio for some reason.  

Scene 4: Back to breakfast.  They're all shocked to find Thelonius in the garbage can.  

In the confessional, Darren explains that he's a homeless person who keeps sneaking into the house.  

He wants some food, but they refuse, and shove him back into the garbage can, oblivious to his screams.

Next Chode the Drag Queen comes in to flirt with Renea.  She rejects him.  Cut to a music video of Chode and a unicorn singing "Let me be your comfy jacuzzi." The drag queen has some nice muscles, anyway.

Back at breakfast, Darren gets upset with Chode for explicit sex talk about his sister Renea.  He announces that he's going speed dating later.  They ridicule him: what kind of desperate fool would resort to speed dating?

Scene 5:  Lewis the Nerd in the confessional, revealing that he has done it: "It's hard to meet women in this town."

Ulp.  Lewis is straight.  Five friends, including a drag queen, and they're all straight!  

Besides, there is something seriously wrong with these people.  Their screeching and sex-talking and acts of general nastiness have no connection to how anyone would act in real life.  

I'd rather watch Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey.  Much more realistic, by comparison, and infinitely less annoying.