I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning "penis."
Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975. He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978. You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic. It was the 70s.
He bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice. A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.
Penis #1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.
Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshusl: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town. I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.
White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death. But there aren't any girls in it, at least.
Another butt in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates. The hetero couple starts fire when they have sex.
That reminds me of an old joke, either from Talulah Bankhead or Elvira, Mistress of the Dark:
Guy: "Do you smoke after sex?"
Talulah/Elvira: "Darling, I don't know. I never looked."
More after the break
A Few Good Men, 1992, sounds like it is about soldiers fighting and dying, but actually it's a courtroom drama, with Tom Cruise defending two soldiers accused of murder. Kevin stars as the Captain.
Penis #2: James Marshall, playing one of the accused soldiers.
Murder in the First, 1995, is another courtroom drama, with Christian Slater defending Kevin, who is accused of murder. We see his bare backside as he is shoved into solitary confinement, "the hole."
Sleepers, 1996: Some boys get revenge on Kevin as the sadistic guard at their juvenile detention center. Yes, it's homophobic.
Penis #3: One of the boys is played by Billy Crudup.
Wild Things, 1998. High school guidance counselor Matt Dillon is accused of raping a female student, but his lawyer, Kevin, discovers that she made it up, and things get crazier from there. A sex scene with Matt was cut.
Penis #4: Kevin's bacon.
Hollow Man, 2000, sounds like existential angst, but it's based on The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells. Kevin invents an invisibility serum, and things get crazier from there.
Where the Truth Lies. 2005. Kevin and Colin Firth play a Martin-and-Lewis-style comedy duo in 1957. When Colin tries to join in on a lady hookup, Kevin violently rejects him, and the lady tries to blackmail him, leading to things getting crazy.
His first major tv series was the Following, 2013. Kevin plays an FBI agent trying to find the leader of a serial killer cult, played by James Purefoy.
Then I Love Dick, 2016. He's Dick, and a lady who moved to Marfa, Texas with her husband loves him. The husband does not.
She apparently loves other guys, too, like Rafael Miguel as Noah Nussbau,
Penis #7: Sorry, I miscounted.
See also: James Dumont's teen idol career.
Unstable: Rob Lowe and son grieving. It's not as depressing as it sounds
No comments:
Post a Comment
No offensive, insulting, racist, or homophobic comments are permitted.
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.