Da Vinci's Demons: An absurdly heterosexual Da VInci, a bi guy who only likes ladies, two monstrous gay predators, and a lot of p*enises

  

Link to the p*enises

The problem with Peacock is, they don't tell you the date of any tv series. So when we clicked on Da Vinci's Demons last night, we didn't realize that it was from 2013.  

Of course it would turn gay artist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519) straight: every historical figure from Shakespeare to Cole Porter gets straightened in contemporary media.  But when I was studying comparative literature, one of my fields was Renaissance Italy.  Plus there were hints of the paranormal, secret societies and such.  So why not?

Big mistake.  It was disgusting.  I can't even bring myself to do a scene-by-scene, but I'll post some of the nude photos.

1. They straightened Da Vinci (Tom Riley) in the most offensive, slap-in-the-face way possible.  He starts out painting a n*aked woman of "exceptional beauty," then discuss the incredible beauty of the Woman of His Dreams, Lucrezia Donati, over and over and over.  Finally he manages to schtup her for ten minutes of her boobs.  .  

2. His apprentice Nico (Eros Vlastos), who grows up to be Niccolo Machiavelli, gazes longingly at the bare boobs, too.  It is absolutely imperative to demonstrate that every man on Earth is heterosexual.  

At least Machiavelli was straight in real life.

3. DaVinci's buddy Zoroaster (Greg Chillan) mentions that he's been with men in an offhand comment, then goes into detail about the exceptional beauty of the hundreds of women he's had s*ex with.  He likes ugly women, too, because they're better in bed.  

4. There are two gay guys.  I know, every man on Earth longs for women's boobs, but these people are not men, they are odious, slimy monsters who have nonconsensual sex with teenage boys.  The first, the Duke of Milan (Hugh Bonneville), is killed immediately after he kicks the boy (Matthew David) out of his bed.  Serves him right for being gay.

Hugh and David's bums on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

More homophobia and p*enises after the break

5. The second loathesome, disgusting monster,  Pope Sixtus IV (James Faulkner), who was "a lover of boys and sodomites" in real life, has his boy (Matthew Tennyson) killed for knowing too much.

James and Matthew's d*cks on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Here Matthew is a few years older, playing a gay Puck getting ready to kiss Oberon in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Another d*ck from the first episode: The Jew (Ken Bones), who gives Da Vinci a secret message before he is executed for being Jewish.  

The promotional materials suggested that Da Vinci would actually be gay.  Production company reps have stated that they felt betrayed when showrunner David S. Goyer not only straightened Da Vinci, but infused the show with extreme homophobia.  

Goyer later said that "we're not backing away from the more unsavory aspects of Da Vinci's life," but apparently he changed his mind: Da Vinci stays straight through Season 2.  Well, he's supposed to be a heroic character; why would you want to depict him as a horrible gay monster?

Eventually Da Vinci is distracted from schtupping ladies and hating gays long enough to meet Dracula and Amerigo Vespucci, visit North America, prove that the Earth is round, free some enslaved persons, talk to ghosts, single-handedly prevent the Ottoman Empire from invading Europe, and paint the Mona Lisa.  Sounds ridiculous

See also: Male N*udity in Italian Class

Pasolini's Arabian Nights: The lesser-known tales, told with p*enises and homophobia

Gladiator II: Not as homophobic as you think, and there are p*enises