Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams. With Bradley's bottom and Jackson's junk

Link to the n* de dudes

Title: "Prelude."  This is not really an episode of The Righteous Gemstones at all.  It's a full theatrical movie starring Bradley Cooper, who you know as Ben in Wet Hot American Summer and Rocket in Guardians of the Galaxy.  So I'll do a scene-by-scene.

Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862.  Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt) preaches and takes an offering.  After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (this will be important later).

Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg.  It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's dollars), plus room and board.

Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things.  He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me.  He was handsome.  His name was Elijah Gemstone."   He was handsome?  Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?

Scene 2: A battle, with lots of Confederate soldiers being killed. Their grim faces flash by.  A boy gets his leg blown off.

Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God.  He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors.

Scene 3: Elijah is called to pray with the boy who got his leg blown off (Alex Saxon).  He is dying and afraid, but Elijah just pretends to pray.  

Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.

Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon.  Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect.  We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough."  In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.

Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly).  This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight. 

Scene 5: Elijah and the soldiers bathing in the river (blurry d*ck shot).  Afterwards Ned Rollins (Kimball Farley) announces that he recognizes Elijah from before the War. "It took me awhile, but I saw the way you shuffle the deck of cards, with your pinkie out like a woman."  So Elijah has some femme/gay characteristics?  

His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow.  He's starting a card game, and he is loaded.  They could take him.

Cut to the card game.  They take him.  Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of he coffins.

More after the break

Scene 6: On the road, a soldier tells Elijah the rumor that Ned deserted, and brags that he isn't afraid because he has the Spirit of God in him.  He is killed at that moment, as the Union troops attack.  A lot of men are killed, and twelve are captured and lined up to be shot.  Captain Stephens (Charles Ambrose) finds the gold-plated Bible on Elijah, surmises that he is a minister, and lets him go.  

But first he has to pray with the condemned men.  This time he prays for real: "These are good boys.  Some of them have done bad things, but they aren't bad boys. They killed people because they had to. I recommend that You send them to heaven."

They are executed in a scene that is painful to watch.  The Captain praises Elijah's prayer: "It made a difference."

Scene 7: Elijah loads up the bodies on a cart and drives them to a Confederate fort.  The captain asks why the Yankees spared his life.

"It wasn't the Yanks.  It was God who saved me."

Cut to night.  Elijah isn't drinking and gambling.  He's alone in his tent, reading his gold-plated Bible: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth."  The end.

Beefcake: No.  Mostly the grime and blood of wartime.

Heterosexism: None.

Gay Characters: Elijah displays some queer codes.

Gemstone Connection: Elijah is Eli's great-grandfather, or maybe grandfather, if he has Roy in his 80s. His conversion reflects Eli's conversion from thumb-breaking rogue to evangelist.  And there's the gold-plated Bible.

Wait -- Elijah is still pretending to be Adam Grieves.  If he changes back to Elijah Gemstone, he'll be wanted for murder.  

But wait, there's more: A thunderstorm at Eli's mansion.  Closeups of photos of Eli with Aimee-Leigh, Young Jesse, and Young Judy.  The Golden Bible is in a display case.  An intruder smashes the case and grabs it.

The intruder passes a bedroom, hears a noise, and pulls up the bed to reveal Young Kelvin, clutching a toy rabbit.  He screams. This is problematic.  How is Kelvin's bedroom, on the second floor, on the way out of the mansion?  And how is this the 13 year old Kelvin of the 2003 flashback?  

Cut to the adult Kelvin in bed, waking up screaming.  If you look carefully at the sheet placement, you'll see a rise. A fan also saw a third hand, but I didn't see it.  Maybe Keefe is in bed with him.  He'd better be.  If Kelvin is still in denial, I'm leaving.

Later in the trailer, Kelvin announces that they are "Living loud and proud" as they introduce their Prism book (a LGBTQ friendly Bible?).  A drag queen and a butch lesbian applaud.

Next, in the dressing room, a shirtless Kelvin tells a fully-clothed Keefe.  "For once in my life I have something I can throw in Jesse and Judy's faces."  Why is Kelvin shirtless but Keefe fully clothed?  If he's made Keefe his valet again, I'm leaving. 

But wait, there's even more: On the same night as the Season 4 premiere, Adam Devine and Tony Cavalero appeared at the AEW Revolution 2025.  They jumped into the ring, smacked down the wrestlers, talked trash, and won their belts

But wait -- you forgot to check out Jackson's junk

See also: Jackson Kelly: A killer doll, a killer pumpkin, a paranormal trap, and a year of d*cks

Alex Saxon: From fundamentalist Missouri to ace and trans roles to androgynous teen angst hunk

Charles Ambrose: Civil War soldier, coast guardsman, model, martial artist