Link to the n*de dudes
The Tuesday Murder Club is currently #2 on Netflix. Residents of an old person's home solving a "cozy murder" doesn't sound appealing, except that one of those old people is Pierce Brosnan, the suave, sophisticated, and well hung (according to Adam Devine) leading man of 1980s tv.
Scene 1: In May 1973, a man is walking back from the pub to the flat of his girlfriend (heterosexual identity established in Minute 1), when he heard two voices arguing. Suddenly the girlfriend falls from a second-floor window. She has been stabbed. A masked intruder rushes away. By the time the police arrive, she is dead.
In the present, three old people discuss the case in a palatial drawing room. I'll call them by their jobs before the retired: Labor Union Activist (Pierce Brosnan), Psychiatrist (Ben Kingsley), and Spy (Helen Mirren). Nothing had been taken from the flat, so robbery is an unlikely motive. The boyfriend, Peter Mercer, mechanic (played by Will Stevens), disappeared soon after the murder. But did she die from the fall or the knife wound? How long does it take to bleed out? They need someone with medical expertise to help.
Scene 2: Establishing shot of the old people's home, Cooper's Chase, an ornate palace that must belong to royalty. A retired Doctor and her adult daughter tour the painting classes, archery lessons, and llamas used as comfort animals. Whew, I'm moving in. Inside, they run into the Murder Club with their diagrams and crime scene photos. Daughter is shocked, but Doctor is intrigued.
Daughter doesn't want her mother living there, but Doctor insists (it's usually the opposite in the States). She wants to make new friends, and she can't do that in an apartment in a city full of young people: they don't want anything to do with her. Really? Since I turned...um, whatever age this is... the twinks have been banging down my door.
When Daughter leaves, the Doctor rushes downstairs to get the details of the Thursday Murder Club. They can use her medical skills to solve the cold case, so she's in!
Scene 3: Evil Ian (David Tennant, left) drives through a quaint village (now I'm depressed; we don't have quaint villages in the States). On the phone, Lloyd (not listed on the IMDB) tells him that his wife wants the house, the car, and the apartment in Majorca. Back story: she's divorcing him because he was unfaithful. Heterosexual identity established immediately.
At the Red Lion pub, Evil Ian tells his Buddy Lloyd his evil scheme: to maximize his assets, he's going to go forward with clearing out a cemetary to build something disrespectful. Who cares if grandma's remains are still there? "Oh, and we're also tearing down Cooper's Chase, the old people's home."
"But the old people won't like it. And some of them were very rich and powerful in their day."
"Who cares? It's my bloody land. The only real issue is Tony Curran, part owner of Cooper's Chase. He won't agree to the demolition because his Auntie is a resident."
Left: Lloyd isn't listed in the IMDB, but maybe the subtitle writer made a mistake, and his buddyy is Bogdan, played by Henry Lloyd-Hughes (d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).
"Sure, I'll take the job, but Tony Curran is a dangerous man. Maybe he kill you."
More about Bogdan: he's a Polish immigrant who needs the work to send money home to his elderly mother.
Scene 4: At Cooper's Chase, Dangerous Tony Curran has brought biscuits (cookies) for his Auntie ("your favorite," of course -- everybody in movies is always told that whatever they are eating is their favorite).
The Thursday Murder Club walks by and says hello. The Doctor asks who he is, and they explain -- but we already know, so the explanation is unnecessary, except the assertion that "he's on our side," against Evil Ian's scheme to destroy the home. Another movie about people saving things, yawn. When are we going to get to the murder?
On to cake and the cold case: In 1973, the boyfriend of the defenestrated girl was questioned and released, not a suspect. But the only female police officer, Inspector Penny, wasn't so sure. She asked to bring him in for re-questioning, but "the boys' club closed ranks," and he vanished. Something fishy about it. Still not important to the plot.
Inspector Penny, by the way, was a member of the Thursday Murder Club, and brought in the case. But she is in the hospice wing now, dying, so she can't contribute any more.
Scene 5: Cut to the hospice wing where the Spy is telling the comatose Inspector Penny about their new member. Holding her hand and calling her "darling"? Are they girlfriends? No, there's a man sitting with her, too, doubtless her husband. And he asks the Spy "How is Stephen?", thus establish her heterosexual identity at Minute 14. Tease that she's gay, and then immediately mention her husband! They did that on purpose.
The Spy and Inspector Penny's Husband spend a lot of screen time discussing how much they love their spouses. Then Spy returns to her apartment to interact with her husband, who has dementia and doesn't remember thiings.
I'm fast-forwarding. I signed up for murder, not "Silver Threads among the Gold."
Shine upon my brow today. Life is fading fast away.
Scene 6: A Cop is is giving a roomful of residents tips on home security. The Spy asks about the 1973 murder, confusing her. Plus, when she glances out the window, Cooper's Chase security has booted her police car for illegal parking, har har.
Since she won't be going anywhere for awhile, they invite her to lunch and a tour of the grounds. The Activist gets a visit from his son, Jason (Tom Ellis), a famous boxer, now retired after an injury and taking gigs like Celebrity Master Chef and Dancing on Ice.
The Activist is established as heterosexual in Minute 21, and I'll bet this whole scene was just a set up for Jason to fall in love with the Cop.
And where's that murder?
They notice Evil Ian and Dangerous Tony Curran arguing: "Destroying Cooper's Chase and kicking out all the old people is essential to my evil plan! I'll do anything -- anything -- to get it done!"
"My Auntie's here, so I won't permit it! It will never happen, as long as I'm alive!"
More after the break
Scene 7: Community meeting about the destruction of Cooper's Chase, led by Evil Ian. Squabble, squabble, "this is our home!", and so on. Nope, digging starts on Monday. You'll all be rehoused. Bye.
Cut to Dangerous Tony Curran coming home to a house that's been ransacked and "What are you doing here?" Finally, the murder! Of course Ian didn't do it.
While the Cop from yesterday is getting coffee, told to "go file this," and otherwise being disrespected, she overhears the male cops talking about the case. The victim was blugeoned to death, last phone call was to an unlisted number, and there's a photo on the floor of Tony Curran with a mysterious "other man." A secret boyfriend, maybe?
The Doctor hears about the murder over breakfast, and excitedly summons the other members of the Murder Club. They aren't thrilled -- with Tony Curran gone, nothing can save them from the destruction of Cooper's Chase. But they still plan to work on the case.
Scene 8: The Doctor and the Spy go to the police station and trick the desk sergeant (Shane David-Joseph) into calling for the Cop from yesterday (or they could just ask to talk to her). They have a scheme to put her in charge of the investigation, in exchange for the details that are hidden from the public. She is so tired of being disrespected at work that she agrees.
Scene 9: As the Activist's son Jason poses for the art class in a revealing kilt, the Spy tells the Doctor that she has acquired the Cooper Chase financial statements, but they are impossible to decipher, so could her daughter help? You forgot about her, didn't you?
Meanwhile, the Cop identifies the mysterious man hugging Tony Curran in the photo: crime kingpin Bobby Tanner. There's also a third man, only his arm with a tattoo of a boxer showing. But the Activist's son is a boxer.
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Scene 10: The Murder Club meets with the Cop and her assistant (played by Daniel Mays) to reveal Tony Curran's accounts went straight to Evil Ian, so he made millions from the murder.
The Activist's son Jason appears. When they ask about Tony Curran, he claims that he didn't know him, gets all nervous, and scrams. But The Cop Freitas notices his tattoo: he's the third man in the photo, hugging Tony and Crime Kingpin Bobby Tanner.
And Tony Curran's Auntie received flowers "from an old friend who loved Tony, too." The card reads B.T. An old boyfriend, I hope. Crime Kingpin Bobby Tanner!
And I'm out of space. But there are more plot twists: Evil Ian is killed. Bogdan finds a skeleton in the cemetery, on top of a coffin. And it all ties in to the 1973 cold case.
Beefcake: Jason in a kilt.
Heterosexism: Two elderly people mourning the cognitive decline of their partners.
Queerbaiting: Jason doesn't express any heterosexual interest, but his alibi is: during the murder he was busy sexing Evil Ian's wife.
Gay Characters: Tony Curran has no wife, ex-wife, or children, and Crime Kingpin Bobby "loves him," suggesting that they are or were a gay couple. But nothing definite is established.
Bogdan, similiarly, expresses no heterosexual interest, and his obsession with his mother is queer coded. In the book, he is upset over the murder of his "best friend," but that relationship does not appear in the movie.
In the last scene, the Doctor is showing the Psychiatrist photos from her wedding, and he shows her a photo of him with another guy in the 1970s. Nothing is stated, but the parallel suggests that they were boyfriends. Very quiet, closeted, and most viewers won't make the connection, but something.
My Grade: I liked the way that the cold case and the two murders linked up, and the setting is beautiful, but the plot was rather plodding and dull, with people telling each other things that we already know, then telling them again. Way too many discussions of how much an elderly husband and wife love each other. after all these years. And the closing song made me sad:
You're only dancin' on this earth for a short while
F*k the sadness. Let's get some d*cks in here. (On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)
Don't worry, I don't tell you who the murderer is.
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