Jack Barlow: "Real Housewives" teen, Mormon missionary, hair-care guru, gay tease. With n*de and b*ondage photos.

   

Link to the n*de and b*ndage photos

Jack Barlow suddenly appeared on my Instagram "suggestions," displaying his physique on the beach -- in a pink swimsuit.  Then he goes on an all-guy beefcake vacation. Obviously gay!

But the pink swimsuit shot is followed by a barrage of photos of Jack going to rodeos and concerts, celebrating his 21st birthday, eating French crepes, bragging about how good he smells, all with his arms around his girlfriend, his future wife, the love of his life.

Ok, ok, you're heterosexual.  The cover photo was just a tease. 

After 831 girl-hugging photos, we come to another gay tease: Jack displays his physique on the beach again, holding a gigantic phallic surfboard.  Followed by a new barrage of girl-hugging.

You're hung, but nature has "prick'd thee out for women's pleasure," I get it.

But...the all-guy beefcake vacation?   Looking very cozy, buddy.

And then we get a gay-subtext commercial for Fresh Wolf, a Men's Grooming Line created by Jack and his brother Henry -- shampoo, body wash, pomade...pomade?  Didn't that go out in the 1940s?

More after the break

Shawn Stevens: The Teen Idol that Failed

In the 1970s, Shawn Stevens had the soft, cuddly, puppy-dog cute, aggressively feminine presence that pushed Shawn Cassidy, Leif Garrett,  Scott Baio, and many others into teen idol heaven.  Why did he not make it to the heights of fame, with millions of middle schoolers kissing his poster and writing "Shawn Stevens" surrounded by little hearts in their chemistry notebooks?

It could be that the field was a little over crowded, with a dozen soft, cuddly, puppy-dog cute, aggressively feminine teens and post-teens strutting their stuff. You can only fantasize about kissing so many boys in a single week.

It could be that he lacked the talent, or the connections.

But I suspect that it was his strong religious beliefs, which kept him from moving to the next level: taking off his shirt, shoving lead pipes down his pants, shifting from dreamy to sexy as his target audience grew up.

According to his very detailed biography on IMDB, Shawn was born in Morristown, New Jersey into a fundamentalist Church of Christ family (his great-grandfather was a prominent Church of Christ minister who founded several Christian summer camps for inner-city youth).  His parents were also besties with fundamentalist ex-teen idol Pat Boone.

His family moved to California when he was 13, and he became deeply involved with musical theater, starring in youth productions and singing with the upbeat group The Young Americans.

When he was 19, a small role filmed in Utah led him to a lifelong devotion to the Latter-Day Saints (aka the Mormons).

Then he got his big break: the shortlived tv drama The MacKenzies of Paradise Cove (1978), about five orphans who adopt a grizzly fisherman (think Punky Brewster times five), shot Shawn into stardom.

Suddenly Shawn was in the spotlight:

He became the National Spokesman for the March of Dimes.

He hosted the Miss Teen America contest.

The mayor of his home town proclaimed "Shawn Stevens Day."

He got Tiger Beat fave rave articles.

He got a record contract.  No actual records, but he did get to perform "New York State of Mind" on an episode of Fame, and he became buddy-buddy with androgynous superstar Leif Garrett.

1981 was a banner year: guest spots on Too Close for Comfort, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, The Facts of Life, and Captain Kangaroo, a recurring role on a soap opera, the teenage son on Savage Harvest (about a family attacked by lions while on safari in Africa).

And then it fizzled out.  During the next few years, a smattering of guest spots, another soap opera gig, and after 1985, nothing.  Shawn began working on promotional videos for the LDS.  According to Deseret News, they resulted in 600,000 conversions, which is probably a lot more than he would have drawn to the church as a guest star on Sheriff Lobo.

Still, one wonders, did Shawn deliberately end his Hollywood career for the higher calling of Mormon proselytization, or was it unavoidable, as time and again he said "I'll do anything for my art, but I won't take my shirt off."

"Or show a basket."

Religious zeal comes with a price.

Shawn's imdb bio paints everything as joyous, bounteous, and God-directed, of course, but reading between the lines, you can see hints of failures and disappointments, and a flight into the arms of the Church.

The good news: after 30 years, Shawn is back on the big screen, mostly in Mormon or otherwise Christian productions:
The Cokeville Miracle (the aftermath of a hostage crisis with a miraculous resolution)
Sacred Vow (marital infidelity is forgiven)
Drop Off (a drunk gets redeemed)
Love Everlasting (two high school outcasts find love with each other and with the LDS)
In Emma's Footsteps (the wife of Joseph Smith carries on the Mormon work)

Plus three episodes of the post-Apocalyptic Day Zero.

So if you can handle the beaming certainty of religious zeal and an utter lack of gay characters or subtexts of any kind, you have a chance to see Shawn again.

I imagine he still refuses to take his shirt off, though.

"Room 104": Two Mormon Missionaries Come Out, Sort Of

 

I bought Season 1 of Room 104, an anthology series about the crises of people staying in an old fashioned, run-down hotel room, because it was only$5.00 and I thought there might be some Twilight Zone-style "It's a cookbook!" twists.  And some beefcake -- people undress in hotel rooms, right?

For gay representation, I watched Episode 7, "The Missionaries": "Two Mormon missionares test the boundaries of their faith."

All Mormon men must spend two years in a mission field., often in the United States, usually in pairs, going door to door to spread the Good News.  Since the LDS Church is conservative and homophobic, it's fun to fantasize about what happens in their hotel rooms after hours.

In this case, Elders Noah (Adam Foster) and Joseph (Nat Wolff)  are upset about their failure to get any converts.  They ask God to give them a sign, and He miraculously provides coffee -- forbidden to Mormons!  Then porn on the tv (it's a miracle!).  

They spend the night exploring the wild side by drinking coffee, watching porn, drinking beer, and...um...getting erections.     In the morning, Joseph wants more: "I want to go farther....I want to try everything."

He moves in  to kiss Noah, who backs away.. "I'm not..."

Boo!  They refuse to say "gay."

"We don't know what we are, unless we explore. "

Boo!  You know you're gay without doing anything sexual.  

Joseph chases him around the room, trying to kiss him.

Boo!  Gay people as sexual predators!  No means no!

Noah pushes Joseph away.  He falls and hits his head on the nightstand and dies.

Boo!  Gay panic defense!

Then he wakes up.  It looks like he just hit his head, but the naive missionaries think he rose from the dead.  It's a sign from God.  They should abandon their evil ways and return to the church!

Boo!  You can be gay and Mormon!

They watch each other changing clothes -- nice butt shot through the thin sacred underwear -- decide to try it after all, and leap over the beds to....the screen going black.

Boo!  After all that, you don't even show them kiss!

Well, that was  a bust, like an After School Special from 1998.  We can say "gay" now.

Strangely, a review calls this episode "The year's sweetest gay love story."  Writer/producer Mark Duplass said that, being straight and Catholic, he didn't feel qualified to write the story, but he conducted research by interviewing a Mormon friend and Xan Aranda, a filmmaker who grew up Mormon and had a gay dad.  

For the queasy "Don't say gay!  Don't kiss!  Being gay is way controversial!" closeting, we can blame director Megan Griffiths, who is from northern Idaho, where it's still 1954, and "had a gay friend growing up."  Apparently she hasn't met any gay people lately.

Next I watched Episode 2, "The Pizza Boy": "A pizza delivery boy gets caught up in a couple's twisted games."

Who hasn't fantasized about hooking up with the pizza boy?  And there will proably be a three way, so bisexual representation.

Jarond (Clark Duke) delivers a meat-lovers' pizza to the couple, but they don't have enough money, so Scott (James Van Der Beek) runs out to the nearest ATM.  Meanwhile, Jennifer (Davie-Blue) flirts with him.

Disappointment: the pizza boy is chubby, long-haired, not attractive at all. I guess if he was hot, the seduction would have a different dynamic.

Just as Jarod and Jennifer getting ready to kiss, Scott bursts in, yelling about her being unfaithful, showing her breasts to every pizza boy in town.  She rushes out.  

Scott asks Jarod how many times he "delivered a meat-lover's" to Jennifer, although he was only gone a few minutes, not nearly enough time for multiple orgasms.  Jarod denies doing anything.  Scott hog-ties him and pulls down his pants, implying that he intends to rape him (no bare-butt shot). 

Then Jennifer returns.  She and Scott argue, hit each other, then fall down on the other bed and start having sex.

"You didn't want me, you wanted Scott!" Jennifer calls over.  "Well, now you can have him!"  Fade to black.

In the next scene: 

Spoler alert!

Jarod gives them notes:"Scott, your character was all over the place. Pick a theme and stick to it. Jennifer, you showed your breasts too quickly.  Your clients are major voyeurs, so make them wait for it."  Turns out he is their boss, training them for a job in sex work.

Wait -- the clients pretend to be pizza boys, and they tie them up and have sex with each other?  That's a very specialized fetish.

Jarod leaves just in time for their first real client to arrive.

Wait -- shouldn't they practice some more first?   Or at least have a chance to recover?  Guys Scott's age are not going to bounce back immediately...

How about Episode 4, "I Knew You Weren't Dead": "A visitor seeks advice for his marital troubles from a long-lost friend."

I need another beefcake photo, so I'll go through it on fast-forward.  There's a nude bathtub scene.  The two guys hug.  Then the visitor goes back to his wife.

Johnnie Whittaker and David DeCoteau: A Match Made in Homoerotic Heaven

Johnny Whitaker, the star of Sigmund and the Sea Monsters in the 1970s, has appeared on screen occasionally since.  Perhaps his weirdest roles are in two direct-to-video movies directed by David DeCoteau, A Talking Cat (2013) and A Talking Pony (2013).

Wait -- David DeCoteau is that crazy director who churns out 38 homoerotic horror movies per yer: A serial killer stalks a fraternity during the guys-only underwear party!  Yet he swears up and down that he has no homoerotic intent, that he is not even aware of the existence of gay men. 

These movies seem a little out of his métier, but looking at his more recent movies, he seems to have expanded from the Haunted Fraternity and Voodoo Academy softcore-schlock to "family friendly" movies about fundamentalist Christians finding love..

Except DeCoteau seems to always sneak in his trademark "gay people don't exist" homoeroticism by depicting some teen hunks frolicking in the pool or buddy-bonding in their underwear.  In Talking Cat, Justin Cone and Daniel Dannas.

During the last seven years, Daniel Dannas has grown up -- aand bulked up -- into an actor/model/heartthrob (top photo).  I assume he's gay.  Why wouldn't he be?

In Pony, James Lastrovic (left) and Max Gray Wilbur (below).  I assume they're both gay, too.
























On the iconic Mr. Ed, the owner of the talking horse is named Wilbur.  Coincidence?   Or Cosmic Trigger?

I can't wait to fast forward through  some of his 2019-2020 works: The Wrong Stepmother, Stepfather, Boy Next Door, House Sitter, Wedding Planner, Real Estate Agent, Cheerleader, Tutor, and Mommy

10 Gay Movies I Loved

Ok, here's my list of 10 gay movies that did it right: coming out is not necessarily traumatic, gay and transgender are two different things, gay communities exist, heterosexuals are not necessarily homophobic, and no one converts in the end.  Many of them offer the flip side to the 10 gay movies I hated.

The rules: the movies had to have identifiable gay/lesbian, bisexual, or trangender characters in starring roles -- not just gay-vague characters or subtexts; they had to be released after 1993 -- no classics, like Making Love or Maurice; and  the gay characters can't die at the end.



It's not the 1950s Anymore

1. Beautiful Thing (1996).  Flip side of Get Real: high schooler Jamie (Glen Berry) falls in love with his chum Ste (Scott Neal).  Mom thinks he's a little young, but is otherwise ok with it.  There's a gay community: they read The Gay Times and go to the gay bar.

2. A Lone Star State of Mind (2002). Flip side of Sordid Lives. Texas redneck Earl (Joshua Jackson, last seen in Cruel Intentions) and gay cowboy Jimbo (Matthew Davis, right) go on the run when Earl's fiancee's cousin accidentally robs a drug courier.  Everybody finds somebody to dance with.

3. Latter Days (2003). Flip side of Cruel Intentions. L.A. partyboy Christian (Wes Ramsey) makes a bet with his friend that he can seduce naive Mormon missionary Aaron (Steve Sandvoss), only to fall in love with him.

Gay Men Want Men

4. Patrick Age 1.5 (2008).  Flip side of The Object of My Affection. Gay couple in Sweden (Torkel Petersson, Gustav Skarsgard) adopt what they think is a baby, but he turns out to be a homophobic 15-year old juvenile delinquent.

5. Eating Out (2004).  Flip side of The Opposite of Sex. Two college roommates, one straight and the other gay (Jim Verraros, left, and Scott Lunsford), hatch a wild scheme to land their respective crushes.

6. Paranorman (2012). A kid's animated comedy about zombies -- with a twist.  The zombies turn out to be friendly.  Oh, and incidentally, the teenage hunk who drives the paranormal investigators around is gay.







Gay and Transgender are Two Different Things

7. Priscilla Queen of the Desert (1994).  Flip side to Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Drag performers, the gay Tick (Hugo Weaving) and Adam (Guy Pearce) and the transwoman Bernadette (Terence Stamp), take a road trip across Australia, where Tick reunites with the son he didn't know he had, and Bernadette finds love with an outback bloke (Bill Hunter).

8. The Blossoming of Maximo Olivares (2005).  Maxi, a feminine gay kid in the Philippines (Nathan Lopez), is perfectly integrated into his family and community.  He gets a crush on a hunky cop Victor (J. R. Valentin), who befriends him, but doesn't take advantage of the situation.

You Can't Switch Teams

9. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999). High school girl (Natasha Lyonne) is accidentally sent to a gay re-education camp run by ex-gay Mike (drag queen RuPaul), where she realizes that she's a lesbian and starts a revolt.

10. Rolling Kansas (2003).  Three stoners (including Sam Huntington, left) go on a road trip in search of a secret government marijuana field in Kansas, and along the way the ever-smiling Kevin (Charlie Finn) announces that he's gay.  His friends aren't traumatized, and he spends the rest of the movie asking out various cops and stoners.