Jun 10, 2022

"First Kill": Lesbian Vampire/Vampire Slayer Romance at a Posh Private School in Savannah


We know what First Kill, on Netflix, is from the start: the promo and plot synopsis both tell us that it's about a vampire and vampire slayer, both teenage girls, in love.  Like a lesbian version of Buffy and Angel, or Romeo and Juliet with fangs.   I just hope there are boys in it, too.  

Scene 1:  Two girls kissing amid bizarre images of flowers blooming, red pills, blood, and things I can't identify.  Teenage Juliette wakes up: "What a crazy dream!"  She tries on various outfits, thinking "Everyone else has it all figured out, but I don't fit in."  That's what everybody in high school thinks, girlfriend.  Then she walks through her palace -- are her parents rock stars?  -- to another bedroom to put on lipstick.  

Mom and Dad (Will Swenson, top photo, with short hair) are in the kitchen, but there's no food around (hint, hint).  Holding hands, they discuss her pills. "Are you ok?"  "Of course I'm not ok, but I won't say it, because it would be the end of everything."  I figured it out already: Juliette is ready to become an adult vampire, so she'll have to switch from blood pills to actual humans. If you want it to be a big mystery, why broadcast it in the promo? 

Wild child Elinor comes in after a wild night of partying, all glamorous. (It was her bedroom in the palace that Juliette raided for lipstick).  A  horn honks: it's the fabulously flamboyant Ben (Jonas Dylan Allen), picking Juliette up for school.

Scene 2:
Establishing shot of Savannah, Georgia as they drive to school, singing a song about a cheating boyfriend.  Juliette explains: Ben is the cool kid, the popular athlete who's invited to all the parties.  Also gay (shot of him kissing a boy in the locker room).  No waiting until Season 2 to come out here.  

At school -- ritzy Lancaster Academy -- Juliette gets "another migraine."   And she's getting super-sensitive to light and sound -- vampire puberty, I surmise.   Ben invites her to a party tonight being held by his crush, Noah, who has a girlfriend but might be gay or bi anyway.

Scene 3: Ben and Juliette sitting by themselves at lunch.  If Ben is so popular, why isn't he at the Cool Kids Table?  Juliette sees the Girl of Her Dreams, also sitting by herself.  "Just go talk to her!" Ben suggests.  "I have.  At least I've tried."

Scene 4: After school, as they head down the steps to the parking lot, Ben is offering ideas on breaking the ice with The Girl. Whoops!  At the bike racks, they collide!  Juliette spills her red pills on the ground. Staring in absurdly over-acted jaw-dropping horniness, she tries ineptly to flirt, but all she manages to get is  The Girl's name (Calliope, or Cal for short).  She also invites her to the party tonight, although they both admit to hating parties. Anything to get laid.  

Scene 5: English class.  I guess Scene 4 wasn't after school.  So why was Calliope at the bike racks?  Everyone is passing around fliers about the Big Party.  The cliched sanctimonious teacher yells at them for it, and then at Calliope for coming in late.  He forces her to read a Flannery O'Connor story aloud.  

Scene 6: After class.  Juliette tries to stalk Calliope, but she's too fast.  She droped her bracelet, but it's made of silver, so when Juliette touches it, she gets a nasty burn. Didn't your parents teach you anything about being a vampire?  

I'm bored.  We're being hit over the head with Juliette's vampire-puberty.  This is obviously going to be a Romeo-and Juliet (or Cal and Juliette) story of two warring houses: rich/poor, black/white, vampire-vampire slayer. Are there at least some cute guys?

No beefcake photos of Roberto Mendez (Ben's crush) Dylan McNamara (Juliette's brother Oliver), or Dominic Goodman (Cal's brother Apollo), but here's one Philip Mullings, Jr. (Cal's  other brother, Theo).

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