Link to the not fully clothed dudes
This review has been sitting for a year, with no problem with the idjit censors. I put it in the top position, and zap! zap! Think of the children. So let's try again.
Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You." Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.
Rogers County Fair, 2000: The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting people in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry? What are we going to do next, sell beer? At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!
While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family." She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench.
As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May!
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Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season. First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement. Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp! His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna screw it up?"
Cut to Zion's Landing, the Gemstones' Christian-themed resort. The 42-year old Jesse and his crew confront Eli's driver. In joke: his name is Walker! He squealed to the press about the dwindling membership and donations since the kids took over, so they beat him up and fire him. Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I am shocked. Christian ministers are often shady and hypocritical, but violent? What if someone sees?
A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer. She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again. Uh-oh, marital trouble.
Sm*t Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time Kelvin and Keefe are buying out the inventory of some censored stores, so they won't be able to sell them. Yes, I know the logic. We see some kids, including Nick Vardakas, examining some of the toys.
They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in their chant, which promises that avoiding the inventory of the stores will reduce the likelihood of "coconuts."
After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning It was chosen for its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no buts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).
So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out.
They are completely clueless; surgery to correct astigmatism must be the most trivial of the group's medical needs. Plus the depiction of a "primitive tribe" veers uncomfortably close to racism.
Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together.
Jesse criticizes the store project -- preventing truck drivers from getting toys but not doing anything to help the church. Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 stores along the I-95 corridor.
Geography alert: The I-95 corridor runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston. That's a long drive just to pick up some toys
Next on the agenda: A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church. But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead. Uh-oh, the church can't afford to lose this!
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The Evil Simpkins: The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection. The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).
Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance. Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity. Plus 85% are women.
Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?
The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David, below). They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..
Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot. Kelvin nods his agreement. Wait - how out is he? Dusty, openly bi, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks." Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile." They flex and posture.
Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me? In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.
Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing. He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.
There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out. The fortune goes to the Simpkins!
Next we'll find out more about May-May, the lady with the wrench, and the marital squabbles.
More after the break
Left: Conor MacGregor (censored)
The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son? Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark.
In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.
Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her. But she needs his help. Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?
Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule.
Marital Squabbles: A commercial: after a montage of hetero couples arguing and then being deliriously happy, Amber introduces her System (stupid name): for $500, you get a jar and some beads. Every time you disagree, you put a bead in the jar. Or go to Wal-Mart and buy the set-up for $10. She is surrounded by a group of ladies in white who look rather like Mormon sister-wives.
When the filming is over, Amber and Jesse discuss the Simkins, who are milking their parents' tragic passing: "I wish I had some traumatic event to make people like me." Be careful what you wish for, Buddy. I've seen Episode 3.7.
Cut to Judy's husband BJ at the Gemstone Welcome Center, talking to a group of potential church members. Judy, feeling guilty about withholding bedroom stuff, brings him some gifts and tells him what a great husband he is, BJ thinks that things are a little off in their marriage, but Judy gaslights him: "Things are fine. Why are you being weird?" Check out his hot-pink ruffled outfit, part of the ongoing joke that couple is gender-transgressive, with Judy as the masculine partner, and BJ the feminine.
The Toy Barbecue: Jesse drops by as Keefe is melting down some toys on the grill in the back yard. When he asks what they are burning, Kelvin, morosely lying on the diving board of the pool, responds "Toys."
Why is he morose? The last we saw of him was at Dusty Daniels' racetrack. But this scene is coming after two marital problem scenes, so we have to conclude that we just missed a "Things are fine. Why are you being so weird?" conversation.
Keefe is wearing an outfit that I can't describe here. This again suggests that something has gone wrong. He wanted "cuddling," but Kelvin refused, ordering him to burn some toys instead?
Notice that while Kelvin and Jesse are discussing their anxiety over leading the church, Keefe grabs a toy from the pile, tries to hide it, and brings it into the house. It's for doing stuff when Kelvin says no.
We cut to the reason Judy has been withholding bedroom time with BJ: she is having an affair with her guitarist, Stephen (Stephen Schneider)
Since the couples' stories are usually parallel, viewers may conclude that Kelvin, too, is having an affair. Actually, he is not -- yet. Then why is he withholding bedroom stuff?
Back to Judy: as she and her fling Stephen smooch, Jesse and Kelvin come in! Caught in the act! They are disgusted, especially Kelvin: "Y'all are a pair of dirtbags!"
Jesse is more worried about how the scandal will affect the church. They fire Stephen; he skulks off.
The Church of the Wilderness: Eli visits May-May at the Church of the Wilderness, where her husband Peter used to hold Pentecostal-type snake-handling services. She explains that she's living there now. After Peter "went away," the bank took the house, and her sons turned "mean, bitter." Now Peter is out, and they've joined him, doing something illegal, maybe stockpiling censored stuff.
Big reveal: May-May is Eli's younger sister! (Actually, she appears in Episode 2.1, a flashback to 1968, but who remembers?). He promises to help the boys.
Background note: The Church in the Wilderness is probably a reflection of the hymn "The Church in the Wildwood," written by William S. Pitts in 1857, and recorded by several country-western singers, including Dolly Parton.
There's a church in the valley by the wildwood
No lovelier spot in the dale
No place is so dear to my childhood
As the little brown church in the vale
The "Little Brown Church" in Nashua, Iowa, built in response to the song, is still a tourist attraction. They no longer hold regular services, but you can get married there -- gay couples included.
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The Toys: As with Episode 2.1, we conclude with four interspliced scenes.
As Jesse prayers for victory over "those who would destroy us." Judy comes home after the siblings discover her secret affair and finds BJ working out with a video game. She takes off the visor and kisses him.
After his visit, Eli drives away from the Church in the Wilderness. May-May watches, grimacing.
Jesse sends Matthew and Chad, members of his crew, to pretend to get into a fender-bender with Vance Simkins, then beat him up.
And Kelvin's Smut Busters invades a store with a new tactic, yelling "Shut it down!", knocking over merchandise, and assaulting customers, their violence effectively juxtaposed with Matthew and Chad's.
While the others are occupied, Keefe sneaks over and steals a single-use packet of (censored). Apparently he expects the drought to be temporary, or he would steal the entire jar.
The four conflicts of the season have come together. The end.
A lot of photos and the uncensored stuff are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
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