Jun 21, 2024

The top 12 guys with penises in "The Boys," an Amazon Prime superhero spoof


  I really don't want to review an episode of The Boys.  First, I heard it was homophobic, with a swishy gay villain, two bisexuals turned straight, "bury your gays" violence, and gay sex portrayed not only as disgusting and vile, but downright dangerous.

Second, Amazon keeps pushing it as the most amazing, remarkable, incredible tv series of all time, or rather the greatest artistic achievement of all time.  Forget Shakespeare and the Sistine Chapel -- future generations will fill libraries with analyses of why The Boys is so wonderful.  I hate that absurdly over-zealous hyperbole.

But viewers on Reddit are expressing horror, disgust, and dismay over the rampant male nudity.  Which I can understand -- if you're aiming your program at an audience of homophobic men, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't like to look at penises. 

But I like to look at penises, so do you mind if I post 12 of them instead of summarizing an episode?

1. The Boys features a team of corrupt vigilante superheroes led by Billy Butcher, played by Karl Urban, top photo.   He blames Highlander, #3 below, for the death of his wife. Hey, the guy was in Bent.  Isn't that about gay men sent to concentration camps during the Holocaust?  Weird project for someone who's homophobic.

2. Hughie, played by Jack Quaid, here covers his penis in a room full of lady BDSM tops. He's got a dead girlfriend, so their cliche motives are equal.

3.Antony Starr as Homelander, the leader of the Seven, an even more corrupt superhero group.  He's one of the two guys who got straightwashed for tv.

4. Jesse Usher, left, as A-Train, a member of the Seven.  Hey, I was promised a plethora of penises.  Could the homophobes mean just a bulge?

5. Chace Crawford as the Deep, another member of the Seven, shows his butt with his octopus-sex partner coiled around him.

6. The next seven people in the cast list are women, and the eighth is a young boy. It takes a lot of scrolling down to get to Matthew Edison, who appears as mortal journalist Cameron Coleman for ten episodes in Season 3.  Here he is tied up naked, with his butt sort of visible.

Maybe it's the one-shot swishy villains and bury-your-gays expendables that show their dicks.  I'll check them after the break.

7. Found one: Alex Hassel, who plays the gay villain Translucent in three episodes before he is buried.

8. Brett Geddes, left, as Termite, who gets buried after two episodes.  He gets shrunken to fit inside his lover's penis (shown only as the 30-foot long prosthetic he is filmed in.  Then he accidentally resizes to bury both gays.  Hear that, kids: Stay away from gay sex!

9. Andrew Jackson as Love Sausage, who appears in one episode to be strangled by a giant dick, maybe his.  Hear that kids?  Stay away from gay sex.

10. Rob Benedict as Splinter, who appears in one episode.  The disgusting protruberance that I blocked out is actually him splitting into several duplicates.

11. That's it?  Three, plus one symbolic?  Not really a sausage fest.  It's like when 2% of tv shows have gay characters and homophobes complain: "Why does every single show have to a gay character? Can't we relax and not have to be uncomfortable just once?"   

I promised 12 photos, so here's Derek Wilson, who plays Tek Knight in one episode.

12. And Greg Grunberg, who plays Agent Bill Pearson in one episode.

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