Jul 1, 2022

"My Fake Boyfriend": Entitled Guy in a Gay Mecca Has Relationship Problems

 


My Fake Boyfriend, on Amazon Prime: After Andrew is dumped, he concocts a plan to get even.  The "my" in the title suggests that Andrew has been dumped by a boyfriend, but you never know: I've been fooled before.  The icon shows a man, two women, and a male-male duo, so no help.  I'll have to watch to find out.

Opening credits: While a guy raps about how many women he has sex with, videos, pictures, and cartoon-character versions of the cast slide in and out of the screen at breakneck speed, from all directions, sometimes colliding with each other, along with multiple emojis and social media comments.  None stik around long enough to see clearly, but I think I can make out laughing, dancing, and hugging, men with women, men with men, trios, groups.  I'm about 40 years older than the intended audience.

Scene 1: Two shirtless guys, black and white, both muscular but quite ugly, trying to dance in front of a tropical backdrop.  Ugly #1 berates Ugly #2 for his poor choreography, but Ugly #2 insists that it will be fine: a few mistakes make you seem real and get you more "likes" on your social media page.  



He then fills in his name (Andrew, played by Keiynan Lonsdale, top photo), and his back story, in case you're new to his social media page: he grew up in New York, got a job on Hampton Bay, the soap starring Ugly #1 (Nico, played by Marcus Rosner, left), and they started dating. Or actually hooking up.  But Nico has agreed to be monogamous, and they're ready to announce their love to the world.

Whoops, Andrew sees Nico's phone, with a text: "Dessert at my place? Eggplant emoji."  Nico is cheating on him!  Nico claims that it's just a random fan.  

We've established that it's a gay guy who gets dumped and invents a fake boyfriend for revenge, but I'm not sure I want to continue watching.  They're both rather unattractive, and the whole "We must be monogamous" thing seems a little retro. 


Scene 2: At a fancy-healthy eatery, Andrew complains to his buddy Jake (Dylan Sprouse of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, not the twin who posted dick pics online).  Then they tell each other their back stories -- Andrew is a stunt man and self-defense instructor, and Jake is an award-winning graphic designer relegated to grunt work.  They've been friends since second grade.

Jake gives Andrew a "tell" that Nico is lying, derived from watching his character lie on the show.  But, really, it would be obvious to anybody, as a montage demonstrates:  "This is not a dick pic."  "Got to go meet my personal trainer at 2:00 am."  "I didn't fart."

Just as Jake and Andrew sit down with their quinoa-arugula wraps, their third friend arrives (Sarah Hyland of Modern Family) and asks for the dets.  She kisses Jake, so they must be a couple.  So Andrew has only straight friends? What happened to the world where you never came out to a straight person, lest they start screaming about Leviticus or pepper you with inane questions?  "Nico keeps cheating, and you keep going back to him.  Dump him this time, or we'll unleash the nuclear option.  No more Nico!"

Scene 3: As days pass, Andrew continually recites "No more Nico!" at the gym, on the set, while painting his apartment.  But when Nico asks him out, he accepts -- fortunately Jake arrives to keep him from backsliding.  

Up on the roof, Andrew tricks Jake into playing chess with an inscrutable Asian stereotype.  He rushes over for a hookup with Nico and rushes back.  Jake is still deciding on an opening move!

Scene 4:  On the set, choreographing a fight, Andrew tells his opponent that Nico has changed.  She doesn't buy it: he's "hot garbage."  The director interrupts them: it's time to shoot the scene.  This time Andrew is kicked through a window -- to a room where Nico and Troy, the guy Andrew body-doubles for,  are kissing!  

Angry, Andrew tracks down Jake and his girlfriend or wife, who has not yet been named (IMDB calls her Kelly).   Jake suggests "Let's go suck some dicks."  So Jake is bi, and Kelly doesn't expect monogamy.  Why should Andrew?

They head to a gay bar in the Village.  Jake points out the bears, twinks, daddies, and otters.  A very inclusive establishment!  Andrew doesn't like it. Next up: a leather disco. I've been to lots of leather bars, and no one ever danced.  Andrew doesn't like this one, either.  Then a cowboy bar on Christopher Street with no dancing. "It's hard to find a boyfriend in New York," Andrew moans.  

Maybe if you didn't look in hookup joints: try some gay political, social, or religious groups.  Join the Gay Man's Chorus.  Join the Gay Gardening Club.  An make some gay friends.       

Scene 5: Jake announces a new plan: he signs them onto a dating app as a couple looking for a third.  Then, when they meet a guy, they can "break up," leaving him for Andrew. So Jake is the fake ex-boyfriend?  

They immediately get a "ping" from Leo, who's only 20 feet away, so Jake pretends to break up with Andrew on the spot and walks off with Kelly.    

Leo turns out to be a fruity sort who orders a vieux carrĂ© and gets a beer (it's a cowboy bar).  He also criticizes bi guys, Andrew's ugly profile pic, and his t-shirt ("Unicorns are fake.  God is real.")  And when Andrew asks "How's your drink?", Leo accuses him of using a date rape drug and starts screaming.

Apparently this is a common act; the bartender (Matt Willis) kicks him out, then starts flirting with Andrew.  He's not too bright, but he has a physique, so they hook up. 


Scene 6:
But when the get back to the apartment, Andrew freaks out and hides in the bathroom.  Wait -- you're gay, right, not asexual?  You're out, not experiencing any residual childhood guilt over being gay?  There's a muscular guy with a gigantic bulge waiting for you to go down on him. What is the problem?  

Jake, who has him under surveillance, calls to motivate him: "Just get in there and beat it off." "Why would I beat him up?"  Bartender overhears and thinks that Andrew likes fetish-wrestling, and won't listen when he says no.  Fortunately, Jake knows how to defend himself.  

I'm done.   Andrew is black, but experiences no racism, ever.  Nico is a leading man in a soap opera, so one would expect him to be closeted, but he's out and proud with no backlash.  I'm tired of the relationship problems of successful, intelligent, attractive (well, muscular), entitled guys who live in gay meccas.  If only they knew what it was like 30 years ago, and still is like in most of the world.

My Grade: C+.

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