Chad Mountain: Matthew McConaughey's longtime associate, with "Tropic Thunder," "The Righteous Gemstones," pecs, and d*cks

Link to the n*de dudes

In his autobiography, Green Light, Matthew McConaughey tells us that he's "tired of being talked about like that guy with a n*de torso."  So here's his n*de torso.

He thanks Chad Mountain "for listening."  A review refers to Chad Mountain as his "longtime associate," which sounds suspiciously like "longtime companion."  So who is this Chad Mountain? He

He grew up in Washington DC, and is first listed on the IMDB as "Marijuana Jesus" in the Gregg Araki movie Smiley Face (2007).  He has 15 acting credits, four producing, and one writing: the comedy short Coming Out.  A gay guy comes out to his friends, who are delighted and try to pimp him out with extravagant gay stuff: "flamboyance, impatience, a need for impeccable service, brutal honesty about other people's weight," and so on.

Chad and Matt probably became friends when they appeared  together in Tropic Thunder (2008).  

They have also worked together in  Surfer, Dude (2008),  Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009), comedy shorts, and a sitcom pilot

Chad's instagram contains lots of photos implying that he is gay, so maybe "longtime associate" means something like "longtime companion"

Or maybe it means a platonic bromance.

You've seen the pecs. The d*cks are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

.  

See also: Tropic Thunder: Danny McBride, a gay rapper, and Jack Black's bulge

Agent Elvis: McConaughey as the King, Cavalero as a drug dealer with a bulge, and Cole as a detective with a d*ck

Steve Zahn: From 1990s golden boy to 2020s depressed dad, with n*de dudes all the way down.

The Top 15 Hunks of the "Righteous Gemstones" Civil War, with some 19th century soldier d*cks

 Link to the n* ude dudes

Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.1, the short film about great-grandpa Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) grifting and murdering his way through the Civil War, was a nonstop sausage fest, with a cast of 18 men and no women.  Granted, they were all soldiers, grim, grimy, injured, and dying, but still, their inner hunkiness shone through. 

 Instead of trying to profile them separately, I'll do them all at once, excluding Bradley Cooper and the three who have already been profiled (Charles Ambrose, Jackson Kelly).  With such a large group, I'll limit my research to:

* Is he gay?  A man with a wife or girlfriend will be identified as straight.  Sorry, bi and closeted guys.

* Are there any n* ude photos?  I'll just check AZ Nude Men and Instagram.  No time to look through a lot of hookup sites.

1. Jim Cummings, Pete McCabe in Danny McBride's Halloween Kills, as Captain Cane, who accuses the pretend chaplain Elijah of gambling and drinking with the guys.  He's kissing a lady a lot on his Instagram, so: straight.

Here Jim is preparing for a polar plunge.  Yow. 

2. Josh McDermitt, best known as Eugene on The Walking Dead, as Pastor Grieves, whom Elijah murders for the church offering money.  Josh is straight, but likes to pretend to be gay for comedic effect by kissing dudes, har har.

3. Lew Temple,  left, Axel on The Walking Dead, as a condemned Confederate soldier who asks conman chaplain Elijah to say a prayer for them, "send us out with a good one."  He wishes his daughter happy birthday, so I'm going to guess straight.

4. Kimball Farley, star of the indie film Hippo,  as Ned Rollins, who partners with Elijah to cheat during a card game with Captain McFall, and is later murdered.  He and his girlfriend were profiled in the Love Issue of Cosmopolitan: their first kiss was at a stoplight. Straight.

5.James Landry Hébert (second from the left), the cowboy Wade on 1883, as Major McFall, whom Elijah cheats in a card game.  He fills his Instagram and Facebook with photos of hot guys, and wishes happy birthday to his "partner in crime," so I'm going to say gay.

6. Paul Schneider, known for All the Real Girls (2003) and Lars and the Real Girl (2007), as an injured soldier.  His Instagram consists of posts about an innocent man on death row, with no personal information, but he kisses girls in a lot of his photos on the IMDB, so I'm going to say straight.

7. Tim Johnson as a soldier.  He played Squi on Freaky and Punk Boss on Daybreak. Otherwise he's difficult to research: there are over 20 Tim Johnsons with Instagram accounts, including a pastor, several "husband and fathers," a fitness trainer, and this guy.  Maybe it's our Tim Johnson, maybe not.

I can't tell if he is gay or not.

More after the break

Jake Kelley's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Modeling, Arm-Wrestling, and Nekkid Cowboys

See the NSFW version of this post here.

In 2023, Jake Kelley was an up-and-coming actor, with major roles in The Righteous Gemstones, Dogwood and the Secrets that Bind Us.  The writers' and actors' strikes have kept him off screen for several months, but he's making good use of his down time with theater and modeling.  

When he was in Los Angeles to model for  UScape Apparel (collegiate sweaters, t-shirts, and such), he took time off for a vacation.

Playing volleyball in Hermosa Beach.

Riding horses in San Luis Obispo

Holding hands with a guy in a cowboy bar.  Yes, I know that they're arm-wrestling, but you should see some of the comments on Jake's instagram page,  Mega-homoerotic.  One of the least graphic is: "Save a horse, ride a cowboy."

There are some nekkid cowboys who may or may not be Jake Kelley on  Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends

"Country Comfort": Is seeing Ricardo Hurtado, Eddie Cibrian, and Eric Balfour worth the pain?

 

Ricardo Hurtado, best known for starring in Nickelodeon's School of Rock, has a perfect combination of face and physique.  I would definitely be asking him out -- if we were both single and he didn't include Bible verses on his Instagram.  Quoting the Bible doesn't necessarily mean that he hates gay people, but I'm not risking it.    

He hasn't had many tv or movie roles recently, so if I want to see him perform as an adult, it will have to be GlichTechs, Malibu Rescue: The Next Wave, or Country Comfort.

We'll start off with Country Comfort, which must mean something like "cold comfort." (something that is supposed to encourage you, but actually makes you feel worse).

Link to NSFW version.

Scene 1:  A rainy night in a small town.  We pan past a church (see, we're religious) to a middle class house.  

There's a knock on the door.  Tuck (Ricardo!) answers: it's Bailey (Katherine McPhee), a young woman with black hair wearing a black cowboy hat.  He gawks at her gorgeousness and says "Looks like they sent the right woman to do the job."  Did he call for a prostitute?

Bailey thinks she has been mistaken for a prostitute, and starts to bolt, but Tuck explains that he thought she was from the nanny agency. (He makes gross sexual come-ons to all of his nannies?  And why does he need a nanny at age 21?)

No, she's not a nanny.  Her truck broke down, her phone died, and she wants to use theirs.  But Tuck is so horny for her that he trots out his siblings for introductions: two little girls, 12-year old Dylan, and Brody (Jamie Martin Mann, left).  Wait -- he's 17 (20 now), and way too old for a nanny.  

While all three of the boys gaze at Bailey with unbrindled lust, Tuck explain that their mom died two years ago, and they've gone through 10 nannies since (do  they get tired of the sleazy come-ons and quit?)   

But Baily likes their sleazy come-ons: "You think I'm hot?  You have no idea how much that means to me!"  Two of those boys are jail bait, lady. 

Finally Dad, a middle-aged cowboy, arrives, accompanied by his blond bimbette child-hating girlfriend Summer.   (wait -- if they didn't need a babysitter while Dad was out, why do they need a nanny?  To, like, restore their joie de vivre, like Fran Fine and Charles in Charge?).  He's Beau (Eddie Cibrian, who played lots of lifeguards and teen hunks back in the day).

Beau asks: "Why are you so early for your nanny interview?" (Wait -- he's just getting back from a date, so it must be after 10 pm.  Why did they schedule an interview in the middle of the night?  Oh, right, the sex...)

Then: "If you're not the new nanny, what are you doing here?" Baily explains:

Scene 2:  Flashback to earlier that evening.  Bailey and her boyfriend Boone (Eric Balfour) are singing at a honky tonk, with a record producer listening.  We hear her entire song: "Dream baby got me dreaming sweet dreams the whole day long."  Ugh!  That's terrible!. And are they supposed to stare at each other instead of the audience through the whole song?

The record producer hates it, naturally. So Boone replaces Bailey with a boobalicious bimbette (yeah, that will fix those atrocious lyrics), and Bailey angrily breaks up with him.  Since they live together, she has no place to stay (um...a friend's house?  A hotel?  Let her stay there until she finds a place?).  She starts driving aimlessly.  Then her truck conks out right outside the home of a family that needs a nanny.  Well, it worked for Fran Fine.

Boone is played by Eric Balfour (left), who played many hunkoids back in the day.

Scene 3: Dad offers to call Bailey an Uber (to take her where?  She's driving aimlessly, remember?).  At that moment there's a tornado alarm, so everyone rushes to the basement.   Beau jokes about the last nine nannies being buried there (whoa, creepy! If I was Baily, I'd take my chances with the tornado.)  But Bailey is too overwhelmed by the love and togetherness of this family to be scared.  

Hey, there are musical instruments in the basement.  Could the family be...coincidence of coincidence -- country-western singers?   

Yep -- they join her for an impromptu song: "When Will I Be Loved."  The kids know all the words to a song that last charted in 1975?

One of the girls -- Cassidy -- gets upset because her mom was a singer, and this is bringing up old memories.  Beau tells her to get over herself.  Great parenting, Beau -- why not let the girl be sad?

Now Tuck is upset -- since their Mom died they haven't been allowed to touch their instruments.  Why not?  This family gets more and more screwed up.  Fortunately, Bailey has come to the rescue. 

Scene 4: Cassidy runs out into the storm.  Bailey follows her into the barn and apologizes for the "singin'" (of course it's singin', not singing).  I fast-forward through their heart-to heart, which no doubt solves the psychological trauma that no therapist has been able to handle.  And no doubt Mom will never be mentioned again.

Scene 5: Morning.  I fast-forward through this scene, too.  Obviously Bailey will agree to become the nanny, get the Partridge Family band back together, and start dating Beau.  And the ex-boyfriend will be around in some capacity.

Beefcake: Probably.

Gay Characters: Are you kidding?

Teens Out of a 1980s Sex Comedy: 2

Creepy Lines: 7

Absurd Coincidences: Too many to count.

Bible Verse that Ricardo Quotes; Hebrews 11:12: "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Is seeing Ricardo Hurtado worth the pain of Country Comfort?: Heck, no.

There are some frontal and rear photos of Eric Balfour and a bulge shot of Eddie Cibrian on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends

10,000 Naked Men, Part 3: Punks to Urinals

During my first 30 years, there were no photos of naked men available anywhere, or you could get them only occasionally, in expensive, hard-to-find magazines.  Then suddenly, around 1995, internet bulletin boards made hundreds of photos available. Then, with guys posting smartphone selfies, thousands.  So I started collecting them.  During the last 20 years, 've accumulated about 10,000.  Here are some of the highlights of my collection:


Punks and Chavs.  Emos, scene kids, beatnicks, gang bangers, mods and rockers, various bad boys with beards, blue hair, mohawks, pierced tongues, tats, and enormous beneath-the-belt gifts.

Rednecks and Cowboys.  Farm boys, country boys. anyone wearing a feed store cap,  standing next to a tractor, listening to country-western music, or asking "Y'all wanna climb up to the barn loft?"

Richie Rich.  Yes, I have a full collection of comic book scans from that brief period in the 1970s when Richie Rich, the previously nondescript rich kid of Harvey Comics, joined a gym (or, I suppose, had a gym constructed in his mansion, lifting bags of money and giant diamonds).  It only took a few lines to suggest pecs and biceps, but what a difference it made!

Sleeping.  You're asleep, having an erotic dream, and the covers start to tent.  Or you kick the covers off, giving your buddy a full view.  He thoughtfully takes a picture and posts it on the internet for thousands of strangers to admire.  If only he included your telephone number, your date requests would skyrocket.

S/M.  Guys tied up, struggling against the ropes, gagged, blindfolded, like Tarzan and Bomba the Jungle Boy in the old movies of my childhood.  Except here they're naked.

Snow.  I never take my shirt off outside when the temperature is under 70, and rarely until it reaches 80.  There's something sexy about a guy who walks around in the buff when it's cold enough to be snowy.  And exhibits no discomfort.  Or shrinkage.

Sports.  Guys in sports uniforms, or preferably out of them.  Unless they're wearing wrestling singlets that show off their packages.  A surprising number of wrestlers become aroused during the match.

Suits.  Nazarenes required men to wear suits to church, three times a week, but since leaving the Nazarenes, I've worn suits maybe once or twice a year.  Guys who wear them all the time are extremely sexy.  Especially when they show you their equipment while still wearing the suit.

Teams.  Preferably swim teams or wrestling teams with bulges displayed, but groups of guys are fine, too.  Here a frat displays its underwear and ties.

Urinals.  Guys whose friends snap their picture just as they are pulling it out at the urinal.  I also have some of guys doing more than that.

Vintage.  Old black and white photos, some Victorian porn, but mostly guys from my parents' and grandparents' generation hanging around nude.

Such photos are very rare.  In those days photo developing services usually rejected male nudity, so if you took a nude selfie, a camera-buff friend had to develop it for you. And you'd be too embarrassed to let it survive for your heirs to scan and put on the internet.

See also:
10,000 Naked Men, Part 1: Asian to Hung
10,000 Naked Men, Part 2: Kilts to Pairs