Kaos: Scheming royals...I mean modern-day Greek gods, some queer, some Daddies, some both

  

Greek gods and demigods are usually heterosexualized in modern texts, but in the original myths they were all queer, having sex with any being who caught their eye, and even pursuing an occasional same-sex romance.  Kaos, on Netflix, imagines a world where the gods are still active and involved in human affairs, like a royal family with the power to turn humans into artichokes.  Let's see how well their queer past holds up.

Scene 1: Prometheus (Stephen Dillane, above), the one who gets his liver eaten every day, narrates as we zoom in on Mount Olympus: "Power can give a man many things. Taste is rarely one of them." Zeus, Jeff Goldberg, struts Hugh Heffner-like through his gold-and-white mansion, sits on his throne, and invites mortals to worship him on Olympia Day.  But you shouldn't: "He's a transcendent, unmitigated bastard." 

Prometheus has a plan to bring him down, involving three mortals and a prophecy.

Scene 2: Modern-day Heraklion, Crete, except they're still worshipping the Greek gods, or at least keeping track of their scandals.  The first mortal is Eurydice, or Riddy, who isn't interested in politics. 

Cut to Riddy at the supermarket, looking at boxes of Spartan Crunch, Gaia's Granola, and Achilles' Heels, har har.  A woman tries to pick her up, but she deflects her by mentioning a husband.  

Check-out counter: on tv, an announcement of Olympia Day.  She buys a pomegranate, har har.  Look it up.

Outside, the woman who tried to pick her up is being manhandled by security for stealing cat food. Riddy intervenes.

"Nobody believes me," the woman says, "But it all comes true.  I told them about the horse..."  OMG, this is Cassandra!  Look it up.  She tells Riddy, "Today's the day you leave your husband.  Your love is dead."

Scene 3: Up on Olympus, Zeus is producing lightning and thunder.  His wife Hera arrives, and he shows her the Meander, a fountain where the water flows in circular pattern in mid-air.  He will reign as long as it runs.  He noticed a blip in it.  She thinks he's being ridiculous.  He asks "Where's our son, by the way."

Cut to the son, Dionysus, Nabhaan Rizwan, "god of pleasure, madness, and wild frenzy," dancing and carousing at a nightclub, smooching with men and women both, getting a blow job from a lady, then leaving, depressed.  He tells the falafel guy that he works for his dad, "but he doesn't take me seriously."  So sons have complained since...um...ancient Greek times.  He wants to do more for people than just dance and have sex.

Dillane's cock and Nabhaan's butt are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends 

He zooms up to Mount Olympus for an uncomfortable breakfast.  Hera sneers "Would you like some honey?", har har.  Look it up.

Dionysus gives his Dad an Olympia Day present: a watch, because "time together is precious."  Zeus is not impressed: "nope, ugly."  He summons his ball boy to dispose of it.  A ball boy to fetch tennis balls, not a sex partner.

It's the wrong time to ask for a promotion, but Dionysus tries anyway: "Make me the god of love, or war, or anything with influence."

Nope.  He gets all bratty, so Zeus uses his god powers to pound his head into the table.  "Where did I go wrong?" he asks Hera.  None of his kids come to visit him.

Down on Earth, they're about to unveil the Olympia Monument.  Uh-oh, it's been stolen, replaced by the graffiti: "F*k the gods"!  

Zeus goes all Spirit of Vengeance.  "Who has desecrated the gods?  Who has blasphemed against me?   I am going to wipe them off the face of the Earth."

No, he isn't, Hera suggests.  Kings delegate power.  Call  Poseidon (Cliff Curtis, left).

Scene 4: Riddy drives home, to where her husband, Killian Scott, is playing his guitar and thinking about how much he dislikes her.  Wait -- he's Orpheus.  They're the stars in like the greatest heterosexual love story of all time!  And their love is dead, har har.   They certainly joke, frolic, and kiss like they're still in love. 

Back story: Orpheus is a famous singer.  But you knew that already, right?

The problem: he's too needy.  He forced her to model for the cover of his new album, and his latest song is entitled "Eurydice." 

Prometheus: "There's nothing quite like the loneliness of someone you're falling out of love with."

They do some sloppy smooching and hit the bed, Orpheus with his shirt off, Eurydice with her bottom showing, but they're interrupted by Calliope, the Muse of Music, evidently his agent, picking him up for rehearsal.

I'm out of space, but I read ahead to see about the fates of the LGBTQ characters. After the break

"Young Royals": The Prince of Sweden Falls in Love with a Scholarship Boy

I met Carl Gustaf, the King of Sweden, 30 years ago when he visited Rock Island, and my friend Zack claims to have hooked up with his son, Prince Carl Philip, when they were both attending the ritzy Kent School. So I have a vested interest in seeing how the royal family is portrayed in the Netflix series Young Royals.    

Scene 1:  Teenage Prince Wilhelm of Sweden (Edvin Ryding, below) in the bathroom, distraught, bruised.  Flashback to him in a crowd of partygoing teens, being photographed by papperazzi, getting into a fight.  

Switch to driving in a car with a woman -- his press secretary?  She gives him the speech where he'll beg the country for forgiveness and announce his "decision" to enroll in the Hillerska Boarding School.  He scoffs, but it's all been decided.

At the palace, while getting ready for the apology video, he tells his parents that he won't go.  "I'm not even Crown Prince.  My brother will inherit the throne.  Why can't I live a normal life and go to a regular high school?"  "Nope, that didn't work out. You got into a fight."

Scene 2:  Establishing shot of the boarding school, which apparently doesn't get many royals: the staff is all atwitter.  Crown Prince Erik (Ivar Forsling), who just graduated a few years ago, shows Wilhelm around.  We meet their second cousin August.  Lots of handshaking and photographers saying "Could you do that again, only smile?"

Into a welcoming assembly, where everyone giggles and stares (half the royal family is going there; should they be so absurdly starstruck over Wilhelm?).  The choir starts their welcome song; Wilhelm gazes in awe at the curly-haired soloist.  The Boy of His Dreams!  

Scene 3:  Another photo shoot, on the grounds.  Wilhelm and Crown Prince Erik playfully escape. 

Meanwhile, Second Cousin August (Malte Gårdinger, top photo) finds out that the secret police have scoured everything; no booze anywhere on campus!  And he promised Crown Prince Erik that he'd give Wilhelm "the wildest initiation ever."  Wait - Curly Haired Soloist lives in town; maybe he could smuggle something in.

Scene 4:  Crown Prince Erik helps Wilhelm move into his tiny single room.  How can he live like this?  He's used to a palace! Wait -- didn't he want to live a normal life?  "The faster you adapt, the easier your life will be," Erik suggests.  And leaves. 

Scene 5:  Cousin August approaches Curly Haired Soloist -- Simon (Omar Rudberg) --as he leaves school at the end of the day, and introduces himself.  "We're having an initiation party for Wilhelm, and if you provide the booze, I'll make an exception to the 'no first year students' rule and invite you." Simon refuses.

 Scene 6:  In the stables, Felice is having trouble with her horse, so Sarah offers to help. Felice snippily refuses.  Later, she refuses Sarah'a offer of help rubbing the horse down.  Lots of close-ups of the horse's eyes, making me worry that we'll have an Equus situation later.   Curly-Haired Soloist Simon arrives to pick Sarah up -- his sister?

On the way to the bus stop, they discuss why Felice is being so bitchy.  "It's not a problem," Sarah says. "I'm used to no one liking me."

The bus travels into the city and picks up some kids from the regular high school who know Simon.  "Prince Wilhelm arrived today.  He seems a bit of a loser."

Meanwhile, back in her dorm room, Felice masturbates to a picture of Prince Wilhelm. WTF?  This is a bit racier than I expected!  

Her roommate Maddie interrupts to speculate about the Prince's penis.  Then she asks "Why do you like him, anyway? You're rich."  "But he's royal.  His children -- our children -- will be princes and princesses."  So being rich is not enough -- she wants to become the Queen Mum. 

Scene 7:  Dinner in Curly-Haired Soloist Simon and "Nobody Likes Me" Sarah's small apartment. Two other girls, both around 10 years old; maybe one of them is Mom (why do middle aged women always look 10 years old in Scandinavia?).

Mom asks if Sarah is making any friends at her new, ritzy private school, and she gets mad and storms off. "Leave me alone!  I don't need friends!"

Scene 8: Dinner time at the boarding school.  Prince Wilhelm is forced to sit at the far end of the table, with the other first-years. He is annoyed when the other guys agree with everything he says.

So far the Eton of Sweden has been disappointing, a series of nondescript classrooms, dorm rooms, and dining rooms. Prince Carl Philip attended several much more elegant-looking schools, such as the Enskilda Gymnasiet.

Later, Curly-Haired Soloist Simon calls his friend Ayub to ask for booze.  He can't provide any.  

Switch to Prince Wilhelm, in his underwear in bed, texting his Mom: "Please let me come home.  I hate it here!"

Scene 9:  Morning.  In class, the teacher announces that murder is top, followed by child abuse and rape. What about tax evasion and welfare scamming? What class is this?  Simon wants to know why when rich people do it, it's "evasion," and poor people, "a crime."   "You know who the biggest welfare scammers in the country are?  The Royal Family."  He glares at Prince Wilhelm.  Simon isn't afraid to criticize a prince!  Wilhelm is impressed!

Scene 10: Prince Wilhelm tries to sit with Simon at lunch, but Cousin August calls him away.  

After school, Simon tells Cousin August that he will provide booze, if he and his sister are both invited to the post initiation party.  He goes to the scuzzy apartment of his ne-er-do-well father, who is wearing sweat pants and a Star Trek sweater.

Simon: I know you're dealing booze.  Everyone knows.  Can you hook me up with some? I need it for a party. How strict are the liquor laws in Sweden?

I checked: you can get alcoholic drinks in bars and restaurants, but if you want alcohol to take home, you have to face the complex, expensive government-run monopoly. Many Swedes go to Norway or Finland to get their booze, and moonshine is common in rural  areas.

Dad: I remember what it was like, trying to impress a girl.

Simon: I'm gay, Dad.

Dad: Oh, right, sorry.  A cute guy, then.  Sure, you can count on me to save the day.

Simon: Just don't tell anyone I've been here.  He's not allowed to visit his father?

Scene 11:  Prince Wilhelm is kidnapped by scary clowns, squirted with water, ridden like a horse, and forced to drink a glass of spit.  The hazing over, he pledges loyalty to Forest Hill House, and it's time for the party.  

Lots of boys and girls drinking and frolicking.  Cousin August: "Your problem was that you wanted to have normal friends, meet normal girls, go to normal parties, but the normal people will never accept you as one of them." 

On cue, two normals, Sarah and Simon, arrive. Sarah finds a drunk Felice and bonds with her.  Prince Wilhelm gazes at Simon from across the crowded room, but doesn't approach: he's busy drinking, dancing, and being gazed at by star-struck girls.  When he finally gets around to saying hello, Simon makes an excuse and leaves.  Prince Wilhelm follows.  They end up sitting outside, laughing and talking and gazing at each other.  Enough with the gazing!  Kiss, already!

Nope.  Their faces are about an inch away when the closing credits start to roll.

Beefcake: Some cute guys.  Prince Wilhelm is not at all attractive.

Other Sights: No.

Gay Characters:  Obviously Prince Wilhelm and Simon.  Maybe Sarah.  

A Gay Royal:  Sweden is one of the most gay-positive countries in the world, with 98% of the population favoring gay rights and 92% supporting same-sex marriage.  But since the job of a prince is to smile, wave, give speeches, and have sex with a princess, the Royal Family may disapprove of Prince Wilhelm and Simon dating. I assume this will be the main conflict of the series.

My Grade:  Pleasant, but a little slow (they don't kiss until the end of Episode 2). and the Wilhelm-Simon and Sarah-Felice plotlines are too similar to be of much interest.  We need something else to stir things up.   B

The Windsors: Royal Gossip and Beefcake

I rather like The Windsors (2016-).  It's raunchy and silly, but endearing, an exaggeration of the foibles of the British royal family, told as a soap opera.

The central figures, Wills and Kate (Hugh Skinner, Louise Ford), are rather nice, except Wills doesn't want to be king.  The problem is, Wills doesn't know how the outside world works, like you have to pay for things and open doors for yourself.

Hugh Skinner is attractive, in a square-jawed fairy-tale prince way.   He's done a lot of British tv, including Our Zoo, W1A (About the inner workings of the BBC), and Poldark  

He's played a gay character at least once, in the stage version of American Psycho.

Harry (Richard Goulding) is a good-natured dolt, mega-stupid, working at odd jobs like apprentice window washer.  He's in love with Kate's sister Pippa (Morgana Robinson), who is trying to weasel her way into becoming queen by seducing Wills or Harry or both.

Richard Goulding is primarily a stage actor, performing with the Royal Shakespeare Company beginning in 2007. He played Prince Harry in the stage play King Charles III, which was adapted into a 2017 tv movie.

Charles (Harry Enfield) is obsessed with "being king first," while his wife Camilla (Hadyn Gwynne) is a scheming soap opera villain, trying to sabotage the lives of his children.

Meanwhile Fergie (Katy Wix), persona non grata since her divorce, schemes to get back into the family.  Her daughters Eugenie and Beatrice (Ellie White, Celeste Dring) are forced to get jobs ("I couldn't stand the 12-3 Tuesday-Thursday rat race!).   Prince Edward (Matthew Cottle, seen here with his son Devon) keeps trying to make a few quid at odd jobs.

Meanwhile the ghosts of past kings keep appearing to offer Wills advice.  Look for "anarchist drag performer" Dickie Beau as the gay James I.  Otherwise not a lot of gay references, but the beefcake is ample.