The Top 10 Hunks of "Orange is the New Black"

I've been watching Orange is the New Black, the Netflix series based on the memoirs of Piper Kerman, a spoiled rich girl whose thirst for adventure led her to drug-running, and a 15-month sentence in federal prison.

It's not Oz.  Bloody beating is rare, rape practically non-existent.  Plotlines involve catching an elusive chicken, a missing screwdriver, and a fundamentalist Christian who tries to install a gigantic cross in the chapel.  Plus the backstories and ongoing drama of a cast of quirky characters.

Lesbian relationships -- and hookups -- are commonplace.  Even Piper, who identifies as bisexual, gets involved with the ex-girlfriend who drew her into the drug trade in the first place.

Plus there's a transwoman played by an actual transwoman, Laverne Cox, who became the first transgender person to be nominated for a prime time Emmy and to appear on the cover of Time magazine.

Even though it's set in a woman's prison, there is ample beefcake: male guards, boyfriends, guys from the backstories.

1. Jason Biggs (top photo), grown up considerably since his salad days in those horrible American Pie movies, as Larry Bloom, Piper's ex-fiance, who is writing an expose of prison conditions.

2. It came as quite a shock when naive young guard John Bennett (Matt McGorry, left), who is having an affair with the inmate Daya, first took his clothes off.  He has a bodybuilder's physique!

3. Nick Stevenson plays Pete Harper, the husband (then ex-husband) of the woman Larry is having an affair with.  When he finds out, he goes on a rampage and punches Larry in the face.

4. Chubby redhead Michael Chernus as Piper's hippie brother, who lives in a van in the woods.

5. Bodybuiilder Alexander Wraith plays Vasily Reznikov, son of Red, the Russian woman who runs the prison kitchen.  He helps Red smuggle contraband.

More after the break.

The Venture Brothers: Beefcake, d*cks, and some gay teases

I usually avoid the Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block.  The animation is usually miserable, the concepts stupid -- talking fast food wrappers? -- and the homophobia intense.

The Venture Bros (2003-2015), created by Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer, throws out a few homophobic slurs, usually "That's Gay!", and a few gay-stereotyped characters, notably swishy secret agent Shore Leave.  But with all the gay, bisexual, transgender, genderqueer, and gay-subtext activity going on, who has time to notice?

The central character are:
1. The snippy, sarcastic Rusty Venture, a grown-up Jonny Quest, son of a famous super-scientist trying to follow in his father's footsteps -- and failing miserably.
2. Hank and Dean, his two absurdly naive teenage sons (Hank is muscular and dimwitted, Dean petite and brainy).
3. Surly bodyguard Brock Samson.





But that's just the beginning of a huge cast of super-scientists, arch-enemies, henchmen, and secret agents, all with complex histories and past interactions, all bound by bureaucracies and traditions. There are secret agendas, changing alliances.  People change, develop new interests, take on new jobs.

When Rusty's arch-enemy, the Monarch, breaks one of the rules of the Guild of Calamitous Intent, he is forced to arch someone else, so Colonel Hatred is assigned to arch Dr. Venture.  Then Brock Samson leaves the Ventures, and Rusty hires Colonel Hatred as his new bodyguard.

The Monarch's favorite henchman, Number 21, quits to go rogue, briefly become his own super-villain, and then joins the unlicensed superhero team S.P.H.I.N.X., with former antagonist Brock Samson.

By the fifth season, the cast has become so large, and alliances changed so often, that you need a scorecard to figure out what's going on.

There are many, many gay and bisexual characters, including Colonel Gentleman, part of the elder Venture's team; "Six Million Dollar Man" Steve Summers, who is living with a male sasquatch; and the Alchemist, a member of the Order of the Triad who occasionally assists the Ventures.

And gay-subtext relationships.  I like Billy Quizboy, a failed game show champion who is living with his former mentor, the albino Pete White, while they try to break into the super-scientist business.

And Number 21's relationship with the tall, stentorian-voiced Number 24.  When he dies, Number 21 is so distraught that he asks Dr. Venture to clone him.  Apprised that the clone will be a baby, with none of Number 24's memories, he says "I don't care.  I'll raise him as my son.  Just bring him back!"

Venture Brother Hank has so many gay subtexts that one expects a "coming out" episode any moment.  He hangs all over Brock Samson, he is overcome with enthusiasm for other muscular men, and later he gets a "boyfriend," the surly wannabe delinquent Dermott.

Did I mention that there's an absurd amount of beefcake?  And, on the DVD sets, unexpurgated male frontal nudity.

See also: Jonny Quest

Dark Shadows: David Collins, the Gay Heir to the Throne

I loved the Gothic soap opera Dark Shadows (1966-71), though in retrospect I didn't see it very much.  It came on just as the school day was ending, so if my friends and I ran fast, we could catch the last 10-15 minutes.  But even after 40 years, I still have fond memories of the gay-subtext romance between Barnabas and Willie, the conflicted, often-shirtless werewolf Chris Jennings, and David Collins, the young heir to the family fortune and ghostly doings.

Although he was a kid, and then a teenager (aged 10-15), he didn't do any of the things I did: he never watched tv, went to school, or got birthday or Christmas presents, and his parents, Elizabeth and Uncle Roger, never pushed him into playing sports or liking girls.


He sometimes had a female companion for adventures, but he never longed for them; they were playmates, nothing more.  Instead, David found his strongest emotional bonds with older men, first Chris Jennings, then Quinten (who had a Dorian Gray portrait in the attic), and then unwitting antichrist Jeb Hawkes.  I didn't know it then, but I saw some strong gay symbolism in David.

David Henesy, who played David Collins, was as popular as the other teen idols of the 1960s, like Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy, and photographed for teen magazines nearly as often.  Oddly, he consented to only one shirtless  shot, but still, I thought he was dreamy, and fantasized about meeting him one day.

In fact, by the time I moved to West Hollywood, he had retired from acting, and moved to Panama, where today he runs a chain of upscale restaurants.

There have been remakes in 1991, 20015, and 2012, but they eliminated the gay symbolism by casting David with little kids: Joseph Gordon-Levitt,  Alexander Gould (top photo), and Gulliver McGrath.

Or maybe it's too late for the magic to return.

See also: Alexander Gould in Weeds.

Ren and Stimpy: Nickelodeon's Disgusting Gay Couple

In the early 1990s, everyone in West Hollywood was watching the Nickelodeon cartoon series Ren and Stimpy (1991-1995), a parody of the idiotic animated cartoons of the 1960s.

Including the puerile commercials, like "Log" and "Powdered Toast."  Powdered Toast Man became a cultural icon of his own.











The main stars were Ren the viciously psychotic chihuahua and Stimpy the excessively stupid cat, who parodied cartoon duos like Ruff and Reddy and Yogi Bear and Boo Boo,

Except they were entirely obsessed with farting, nose-picking, and body fluids, often drawn in nauseatingly grotesque detail.

It was rather hard to watch, but we watched anyway, for the obvious gay subtexts.

 Ren and Stimpy are presented as an overtly romantic couple. They share a house and a bed; they reminisce about their wedding, and Stimpy gives birth to a sentient fart, a product of their sexual union.

In some episodes, Stimpy is a stereotypical 1950's wife, passive and nurturing, responsible for cooking, cleaning, and ironing Ren's underwear.

Ren is socially and sexually the aggressor; in "Son of Stimpy", he tries to seduce Stimpy into the bedroom, but is rebuffed with "is that all you ever think about?"

Sexual activity is also implied when Ren's cousin Sven Hoek visits, and Stimpy is instantly attracted to him.

 But there was something off about subtexts.

It took awhile to realize that they were deliberate, and vicious.

The hints of same-sex activity and same-sex romance are presented as gross, disgusting, hard to watch.  Like sentient farts and "magic nose goblins."

Expected to elicit an uncomfortable laugh.
"Two dudes banging each other!  Sick!"

Stories about animator John Kricfalusi's homophobia began to emerge.  He made homophobic jokes and slurs constantly, and refused Robin Williams as a voice artist because "he's a fag."

After two seasons, he was fired -- not due to homophobia, due to his horrible working relationship with Nickelodeon.

In the summer of 2003, the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party appeared briefly on MTV.  This time there was no question: the duo was presented as a gay couple.

In cartoons that were unwatchable, unfailing grotesque and disturbing.  Ren and Stimpy live in a homeless man's mouth and then in a spittoon.