The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and Speedos. There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos.
Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in Speedos amid fully clothed women.
Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.
: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef. Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.
Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn.
The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."
The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you.
Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious. The Female Lifeguard runs out, her midriff on display. She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave. The other lifeguards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance. "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."
Opening credits.
: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa. top photo) wakes up. He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room. It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago.
It's time to test the lifeguard recruits. A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college. I called it.
Scene 3: The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless.
Still no Speedos.Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy. They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment. The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something." I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.
Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her. It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it: "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you." I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.
Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Big Guy's stuff. "Ha-ha, very funny," he says. Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars.
Also, he's dating the Female Lifeguard. She concludes that he;s taking the job to get away from her. The world doesn't revolve around you, girlfriend.
Wait -- they're not dating. They broke up two years ago, and he's engaged to someone else. Girlfriend is delusional.
Big Guy is played by Adam Demos. The reason for his nickname after the break:
It's actually a prosthetic, but sources close to Adam note that he's about that size in real life.
Scene 5: Ocean Safety Captain is lifting weights when a Very Important Person (Shawn Hatosy) comes in to criticize District 7's outdated equipment and staffing problems. His son, Kainalu Emerson (Alex Aliono), just finished lifeguard training, and he deserves the best. Could he get a job in the wonderful District 7? Wait, you just said this place was awful.
I think Kainalu is the Sweater Guy who is flubbing his chance with Bikini Babe by being all sexist.
Ocean Safety Captain: "Nope, I don't care how important you are, your son finished .005 seconds after Bikini Babe, so we've got him teaching the senior citizen water-robics class."
"How about if I use my VIP powers to get you more funding, so you can repair this run-down pig sty that my son is desperate to get into?"
"Sure, he's in." Little lacking in ethics, aren't you, buddy?
Scene 6: Two teenagers approach the Other Lifeguard (Kekoa Kekumano) with a watch and a diamond ring that they found on the beach.
Uh-oh, foul play.
He brings it to the Big Guy to examine just as a woman in a way revealing bikini approaches. They glance at each other. Big: "It's ok, I've already been with six bikini babes today. You can sleep with this one."
Oh, she's not coming about the watch and ring, she just wants to sleep with him. She gives him her hotel room key. What if he's not into it, smarty?
Trying to decide if she is hot enough, the Other Lifeguard gazes at the lady and her friend through his binoculars. Yep, she's hot enough.
Uh-oh, she stepped on a jellyfish, so he has to rush down and perform first aid while the viewer sees her breasts, They fill the whole friggin' screen.
Scene 7: Ocean Safety Captain is telling Sweater Guy about the job his dad bought for him. They're the biggest district on the island, and the most remote. They get a lot of surfing contests, so there's always plenty of rescuing to do.
Sweater Guy: "I'm stoked. You won't be sorry."
Ocean Safety Captain: "I'm really looking forward to that big screen tv in the break room...I mean, to working with you."
Cut to Jellyfish Sting lady, who was allergic, so she's rushed to the hospital, and no hotel room for the Other Lifeguard today.
The Lady Paramedic mentions that when she was a kid, they said "to pee on it." Big says "Maybe later," but she doesn't like the sexual harassment.
The Other Lifeguard apologizes for him. "It's just that crude come ons work on 75% of women; the other 25% want you to pretend to be interested in them. So, are you new on the job?"
The "being interested" ploy works. She gushes: "I moved here last year, hoping to get into med school, but I come to this beach all the time to surf, so I figured I might as well work here too. Besides, the male life guards are so horny, I get to sleep with whoever I want. Are you free later?"
Scene 8: The morning briefing. Sweater Guy comes in late. Poor work ethic, dude. Your dad may have gotten you the job, but you can still be fired.
Female Lifeguard wants to know what happened to Bikini Babe, who actually came in first in the recruitment test and should be working District 7. "Oh, we have her handling the souvenir shop. So suck it up, or we'll put you on parking lot duty."
Cut to the end of the day, with the three lifeguard drinking beer by their truck and discussing their soap-opera problems.
Scene 9: The teenagers from before are retrieving items lost on the ocean floor, like a gold chain and a watch. Suddenly the blond is knocked out by a giant wave, and his Black Haired Friend can't find him.
I can't find either in the IMDB list of cast members.
At the guard station, the sexist Other Lifeguard razzes Sweater Guy for being a weak little sissy -- imagine being beaten by a girl!. Sweater Guy counters that Non-Hung went to public school -- imagine being such a stupid idiot that...they are interrupted by the emergency call. A secluded beach far from anything else. Dumb place to go scavenger hunting, guys.
Big yells for Sweater Guy to call in the coordinates, and they rush off.
Meanwhile, Ocean Safety Captain is bragging about his bribe money, when two bikini babes zoom past in a pickup truck. He is incensed about their scanty costumes -- because one of them is his daughter! He gets the emergency call, and rushes off.
The Black-Haired Friend found the blond teenager, but he is crying and complaining that he can't feel his legs. They try to float and wait for the life guards. Why can't you paddle him to shore yourself?
The Other Guy rips his shirt off (the only beefcake I've seen all day) and surfs out. They have to put the blond teenager who can't feel his legs on the surfboard, and jetski Black Haired Buddy in.
As the ambulance carries the blond teenager away, everyone is upset because Sweater Guy called in the wrong coordinates, wasting valuable time! And a video of the fiasco goes viral, calling the whole training program into question.
There are 15 minutes left, but I'm out of space. But no more rescues, just some soap opera plots.
Beefcake: An occasional shirtless guy.
Speedos: None.
Heterosexism: The lifeguards are taken right from the sex obsessed 1970s.
Left: Rob Graff, either the Black-Haired Teen or the Dead Son.
Gay Characters: The two teens can be read as a gay couple, if you want. With two guest star rescues per episode, there are bound to be some gay or gay-vague characters later on.
My Grade: C
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment
No offensive, insulting, racist, or homophobic comments are permitted.
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.