Link to the n*de dudes
The Third Day, on Netflix, had an interesting premise: an island where "you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." The "third day" is when Jesus rose from the dead, so there may be some people coming back to life. Plus it stars Jude Law, who played gay characters in Wilde (1996) and The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999), so I'm in.
Update: It's hard to find. It keeps changing streaming services, from Netflix to Hulu to MAX, as if the universe doesn't want me to see it.
Scene 1: Sam (Jude Law) stops his car on a deserted road to call a woman: the money is in the office, 40,000 pounds cash. Don't call the police; don't let Amboy in the house. He stares into space for a long time, then walks into the woods. Everything goes blurry. Is he entering an alternate universe?
He stops at a brook, and lets a small striped shirt float away. Mourning a dead son.
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Scene 2: Suddenly Sam hears a girl yelling at her friend to let go of the rope. He rushes over just in time for a friend let go and run away. She is hanging herself! He cuts her down and asks if she wants to go to the hospital, but she just wants to go home.
On the way, he gives his back story: he used to work with troubled youth in social services, but now he runs a garden center in London; he's married with two daughters. Heterosexual identity established, he asks if someone is hurting or scaring her at home, but she won't say.
Weird detail: she asks for water, and then puts salt in it. Who drinks salt water? Are her people aliens out of the Cthulhu Mythos?
Home is Osea Island, across a narrow, winding causeway that's only open at low tide. Very stressful to get across.
Back story: Osea is a real island in Essex, accessible by a causeway at low tide twice a day. Over the years it has been home to a naval base and a rehab clinic, but now it's privately owned.
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They pass a amphitheater, a lot of porta-potties, weird giant figures, and brown-robed goblins attacking townsfolk with scissors. The Girl says that there are only 93 people living on the island, but this year they are opening their pagan cult festival to outsiders, hoping to turn it in to a music festival and raise some money.
Hundreds of people driving on that narrow causeway? They'll be driving right into the ocean.
Scene 3: The Girl doesn't want to go home to her dad (uh-oh), she wants to go to the pub, where the Martins take her into the kitchen, whisper anxiously, and occasionally peer out at Sam. He checks for cell phone reception -- none -- and looks at the pictures on the wall. Why are there three pictures of corpses?
Mr. Martin (Paddy Considine, below) returns and dumps a hasty explanation: "She wasn't trying to hang herself, it was just fooling around like kids do; she's not afraid of her father or anybody on the island; everything is fine. Thanks for bringing her home, but you should leave -- NOW!"But Sam has to get in touch with Aday from Scene 1 right away: he's a planning official who will be deciding on whether they can go forward with their plans to build a new center -- this afternoon!
Mr. Martin doesn't like that name -- "African, innit? Lots of African immigrants on the mainland. Everyone thinks that they cause trouble, but some are ok." Dude is racist.
After a long, inappropriate story about how he and his wife always wanted kids, but seven pregnancies didn't come to term, Mr. Martin offers to escort Sam to his car so he can LEAVE, NOW!
Scene 4: On the way, Mr. Martin reveals that the music festival will coincide with their "Esus and the Sea" ceremony,. Esus was a Celtic war god, but because of the similarity in the names, everyone thinks that the ceremony is about Jesus.
Mr. Martin begins to interrogate Sam: why were you so far from home, on such an important day? Also, Mrs. Martin recognized you, so you're not here by accident, are you?
Uh-oh, his car is blocked in, they can't find the driver, and the causeway will be closing in about 15 minutes. Don't they have ferries?
Mr. Martin changes the urgency of his advice to get out. "You'll have to spend the night. I'll put you in a room at the pub."
"No, I need to get off this island now!" Sam reveals that the burglars took 40,000 pounds in cash, that they were going to use to bribe Aday! That's sleazy, but not as sleazy as I ithought. Maybe he's lying.
Martin reaches the obvious conclusion: Aday stole your money. But why would he steal the money, when they were going to give it to him anyway?
More after the break
She wants to know if it's painful for him to return to those woods, and if they should blame immigrants after all. Then she directs him to the restroom upstairs, where he sighs and stares at his reflection and hears shouting from outside: the Martins hugging the Girl, and her father Jason yelling "What did you do?" and "Why is he here?" He gets a gun from his truck. Does he think that Sam molested his daughter?
Scene 6: Downstairs, Sam wants to know why the Girl's father brought out a gun just because someone wondered if she was ok. "Oh, Jason is not dangerous, and the Girl is not scared of him. We're all people of God here, so no one could possibly hurt anyone." Um...sure, People of God never hurt anyone, sarcastic laugh.
Danny, the owner of the car, finally shows up, just as the causeway is starting to close!
Left: Danny is played by British actor Will Rogers, who is impossible to research. Even specifying "Will Rogers British actor" yields 1,000 pages about the American comedian.
Scene 7: Sam zooms down...too late, the causeway is under water. He's stuck until tomorrow.
The friend who was helping the Girl kill herself is watching. How did he get back? It's a long drive. Sam thinks that it's his son who went missing, although he's only about ten, and his son would be sixteen now.
The "son" runs off. Sam chases him through woods and whispering voices and back to the beach, yelling "I just want to talk." You know what this looks like, right, Sam?
He comes across some people at the dock arguing: "She's your daughter...after what they took from you....this island is a f*king mess." They complain about their leader in the big house, which Sam sees just ahead.
Leaving, Sam comes across an eviscerated animal, maybe a squirrel, with its organs set out on four rocks. You're next, Sam baby.
Scene 7: Back in the pub -- no one around. Sam tries to use a land line -- nope -- and stares at himself in the mirror some more. Then he goes to his room -- but there's a woman asleep in his bed!
After some meet-cute shenanigans, they go back down to the bar, where she has a working cell phone. He borrows it to call Aday: "I know you stole the money. I'm calling the police unless you accept my planning proposal."
Oops, Aday was in the hospital -- emergency involving his wife. Definitely had to identify him as not-gay in his first line, innit? He's so angry over the false accusation of burglary that he's rejecting the proposal, so Sam will lose the garden center and the house.
Oh well, back to flirting. Hey, I thought he was married with children already. She's a professor who studies pagan festivals, so she's visited the island a few times. "They're good people," but a little protective. "Wouldn't you be, if you had a place like this?" No, it looks like a dump.
Sam asks "Are you married?"
"Yes, sort of."
"What does your husband do?" Hey, they have gay marriage in Britain, you dolt.
"Nothing. He does nothing."
Suddenly Larry (John Dagliesh) walks in, helps himself to a beer, and glares threateningly at Sam: "So it's you, then?" Same old story, kind, nurturing women and threatening men. He turns his attention to the Professor and complements her lips."The Girl is fine, thanks for asking for the hundredth time. We'll bring her around tomorrow, so you can see for yourself. And by the way, there's just the one guest room, so you and the Professor will have to share. Either that or swim."
"Well, if we have no choice..." the Professor says, grinning. What happens on the island stays on the island, girlfriend.
Scene 8: Mr. Martin heads out back to cross himself before a mysterious figure, maybe Amar Chanta-Patel. Wouldn't they be pagan/Church of England, not pagan/Catholic?
The pub is getting crowded. Everyone gets rowdy and chummy. The Professor jumps on the table, gets her butt slapped, drinks, sings. Sam is joyously rowdy. He excuses himself to go to bathroom, then stares at his reflection in the miorror and frowns.
Cut to Sam in a dark field, with the "son" standing in a sort of tree-branch entryway. He runs. Sam follows him to a brick structure on the beach. Inside, decaying eviscerated animals -- and people -- and one of the Scissor Goblins.
He comes to in his car, opens the trunk, and finds the money that was supposedly stolen. Did he put it there without knowing it? The end.
Beefcake: None
Gay characters: None that I could see. The men all seem to hate and fear each other.
The Cult: The visual imagery is striking, everyone is appropriately creepy, but I imagine that this will turn into a standard Wicker Man, with Sam the sacrifice. Or maybe he will gradually remember running the cult, and sacrificing his son.
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