NCIS: New Orleans: The "Quantum Leap" guy and the "Wings" guy are kidnapped by the "Oz" guy. And they're all nekkid.

I don't usually watch crime dramas, but "Father's Day," Episode of 2.14 of NCIS: New Orleans, stars some of my beefcake favorites: Lee Tergesen (Oz), Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap), Steve Weber (Wings), and Lucas Black (Southern Gothic).  The premise: "Pride and Mayor Douglas are abducted from their Mardi Gras events."  Is Pride named after Gay Pride?  Nope, it's the last name of Scott Bakula's character (left).   

Link to the NSFW version.

Scene 1: A big Mardi Gras party full of heterosexual couples, the men in fancy tuxedos.  Sleazoid Mayor (Steve Weber) takes the stage and says a few words while eyeing a lady in a red dress.  He congratulates his chief of staff, Tom (James Dumont), for being married to such an incredibly hot woman. Pay attention to that necklace.  It will become important later.  He then follows the Lady in Red out into the hall, quoting Oscar Wilde: "I can resist anything except temptation." His staff groans: not another one!  The hookup wants to have sex right there in the hallway.

Meanwhile, Pride (Scott Bakula) is told that he must go out back for a liquor delivery (he must own the place).  He goes, not at all suspicious, and gets tranquilizer darted. 

Scene 2: They both wake up tied to chairs while a mysterious Masked Figure peers at them. Sleazoid Mayor wonders if his hookup was an accomplice (ya think?).   But Figure ain't talking. 

Meanwhile, out on the street, everyone is waiting for Sleazoid Mayor to shake the hand of the Mardi Gras Parade King.  Where is he? Agent LaSalle (Lucas Black) points out that Mardi Gras began in Alabama, not New Orleans, and gets yelled at.  

Uh-oh, there's a drugged security guard (Chris McKenna, top photo) and a dead Marine inside the party venue (a hotel, not a bar).  The Security Guard saw the Sleazoid Mayor's Hookup running past after he was darted.  And the dead Marine was darted, too.   

(NCIS is the Naval Crime Investigation Service, so they have to have a dead sailor or marine in there somewhere.)

Eventually they figure out that the Mayor and Pride have both been darted and kidnapped.

Scene 3: The victims try to bargain with the Masked Figure. Mayor: "I got a lot of rich friends.  They can get you anything you want." Pride: "I'm a NCIS Agent!" (I thought he was a bar owner.  Side gig?).

Mysterious Figure starts recording them, and tells them that they are here "To confess." 

Scene 4:  The tech guy found no terrorist chatter or threatening messages aimed at the Mayor or Pride. He starts working on a partial license plate number provided by an eyewitness.  Meanwhile, the agents reason that it's Mardi Gras, the streets are clogged, so the kidnapper couldn't have gone far.  They must be holding the guys near the party venue..

Left: Scott Bakula in underwear

Scene 5:   Back at the party, rich white people are dancing ludicrously. The Agents grab the Mayor's Hookup (identifiable because she's the only Lady in Red).  Why didn't she scram after hoodwinking the Mayor?

Her story: a guy said he was playing a prank on the Mayor, his old fraternity brother, and paid her $500 to get him alone.  Wait -- how did she know for sure that the Mayor would choose her for his hookup?  If he latched onto someone else, the whole plan would be ruined.

More underwear after the break

Weird Science, the movie and tv show: three gay-subtext couples, two gay-vague guys, and a lot of beefcake.

Link to the n*de dudes

Weird Science (1985) is a John Hughes brat pack comedy with a paranormal twist. Nerds Gary and Wyatt's (Anthony Michael Hall, Ilan-Mitchell Smith) are discouraged because the Girls of Their Dreams are dating a pair of belligerent, obnoxious preppies (Robert Downey Jr., Robert Rusler), and won't give them a chance.  So they use a computer to create their perfect dream girl, Lisa: she is not only attractive but super-smart, plus she has magical powers.

I forget most of the plot after 40 years, but wikipedia has helpfully filled in the details, Instead of dating them, Lisa conjures them a car, gets them fake ids, and hosts a wild party, where she thwarts their adversaries and their bullying older brother, military-school graduate Chet (Bill Paxton).

She also summons a pack of rabid bikers to kidnap the Girls, so Gary and Wyatt can mount a daring rescue and win them.

It was cheesy stuff, and entirely heteronormative.  There was a scattering of the incessant homophobia that one sees in every John Hughes movie, but spewed by the evil Chet, not by one of the good guys.  That was a big win in the era.  

Plus some strong gay subtexts between Gary and Wyatt and the prettyboy preppies Ian and Max.  And quite a surprising amount of beefcake

I wanted to do a "any gay roles/are they gay in real life" profile of one of the guys, but I can't find anything suitable.

Don't pay attention to the femme-half shirt and girly beneath-the-belt stuff.  Ilan-Mitchell Smith, now a history professor, is straight in real life.

Anthony Michael Hall, the darling of the Brat Pack, appeared in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Johnny B Goode, and as an adult The Dead Zone and Awkward.  Straight characters, with maybe one exception, and straight in real life.

Brat Packer Robert Downey Jr. appeared in Back to School, The Pick-Up Artist, Johnny B. Goode, became famous for Chaplin (playing the silent-era comedian), and went on to play Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes.  More straight characters, with maybe one exception, and....well, you get the idea.

At least we know that Robert Rusler is a gay ally: he befriended his Nightmare on Elm Street 2 co-star Mark Patton, and took him to some of the gay bars in West Hollywood (no, we never met).  But his tv work, in The Outsiders, Babylon 5, Snoops, Murder She Wrote, Bones, Ray Donovan...as far as I can tell, all heteronormative.  And...straight in real life.

Let's try the Weird Science TV Series.

It aired on the USA Network from 1994 to 1998. I watched on occasion, usually while on the treadmill at the gym. Gary and Wyatt are now played by Michael Manasseri and John Mallory Asher. Lisa characterizes herself as a "magic genie," and Wyatt's parents are absent, leaving his older brother Chet (Lee Tergesen) to look after/bully them.  

The "winning the Girl of Our Dreams" plotline appeared in just the first two or three episodes; later Lisa turns the boys into girls, clones them,  turns them into rock stars, traps them in a horror movie, traps them in The Twilight Zone, transports them to the Old West, and brings a video game villain to life. 

More after the break