Pizza Movie: A surreal update of the teen nerd genre, with no heterosexism or homophobia, lots of backsides, and Daniel Radcliffe as a butterfly

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Pizza Movie (2026), on Hulu, stars Sean Giambrone of The Goldbergs and Gaten Matarazzo of Stranger Things as college boys who accidentally get stoned on a weird drug.  I haven't seen a teen nerd movie for awhile; I wonder if they're still about the nerd winning the Girl of His Dreams with the help of his flamboyantly feminine best friend, while everyone throws homophobic slurs about.  It appears on a list of "The Top LGBTQ Movies to Watch This Spring," so maybe not. 

Scene 1: Room check in a college dorm.  A student stashes her drugs in a tin in the ceiling tiles. 

 Ten years later,  Montgomery (Sean) is frantically running across campus with a laundry basket.  He reaches the laundromat just in time to take all the quarters in the change machine.  When the Girl of His Dreams (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) arrives, he's  reading a book on How to Lower Your Testosterone, so he can impress her with his studliness when she asks for quarters.  Or you could just say hello.

"We're always here at the same time," she notes.  

"Well, nobody has dirtier underwear than me.  But not from poop...or pee, or c*m.  I'm not weird."  I'm just wondering what else could soil your underwear.

Scene 2: Montage of two guys chugging beer (outside, in the daytime); a girl thinking that a guy is sketchng her, but he's actuallly sketchng himself; and Jack (Gaten) being chased and bullied because he ruined the football team.  He tries to apologize, but they tape him to the clock tower and pelt him with water balloons full of pee (his suggestion).

Scene 3: The guys return to their dorm. Montgomery wants to "drown their sorrows" in a good night's sleep, while Jack wants to get drunk.  They're a superego/id  pair, got it.  I'm going to keep calling them Sean and Gaten, to make identification easier.

The housing requests for next year are due tonight.  They can choose from Orrick Tower, Stonewell Courts, or..ugh...the scary, crumbling Gralk Hall. 

Suddenly Sean is distracted by the Girl of His Dreams. "Just ask her out!" Gaten exclaims, no doubt for the 300th time.

"No way!  Hot girls only date Alpha guys, so I can't ask her out until I trick her into thinking that I'm an ALpha."  I'll bet she really likes the quiet, shy geeky types.

"But you don't know her.  How do you know that you have compatible interests?"

"Who cares?  She makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender, being sung to by lollipop pixies."   Ugh.

Up to their room.  No posters of nekkid ladies.  They're just getting ready to drink, when  six bullies burst in, three girls and three guys, including Kevin Matthew Reyes (left).   "What's up, dildos?", the leader, Logan, announces.  A creative slur.  Not homophobic, which is a good sign.  

They come in every week to hold the guys down and fart in their faces in retaliation for the football incident.  In the struggle the drug tin from the ceiling falls down.

While sitting on the guys' faces waiting to fart, they discuss the "pajama party tonight."  They have beer and weed, and Lizzy (Lulu Wilson) is bringing Wizard's Oath, a Dungeon's and Dragons-style board game.  The others dismiss this idea.

As they leave, Lizzy looks back, sympathetic. 

 

I like the way that the guys have no problem with physical contact, even with Gaten's face two inches from Sean's privates, a welcome relief from the usual: "We accidentally touched hands!!!!  I'm going to be sick!!!!!"

Scene 4: The guys discuss how they are failures at college.  They should be popular, going to keggers and pajama parties, but everybody hates them.  Sean tries to make things better by ordering a pizza.  

Suddenly Gaten sees the tin that fell from the ceiling: it says "Mints," with a green, toothy smile.  Inside, tablets with a starburst image.  An internet search gets one hit, a youtube video with a "psychedelic adventurer" tell us about Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants (MINTS, get it?).  Sean is hesitant, but then she uses his "cloud of lavender" fantasy, and he's in.

Scene 5: The evil Head RA (Jack Martin) tells his subordinates about the "debauchery" infesting their school.  Is this RAs for the whole campus?  There are like 30 of them, all wearing black berets.

Meanwhile, in the dorm room, the bullies discuss how much the guys blow. Hey, the men and women aren't sitting together.  They are not romantic partners.  Sympathetic Lizzy tries to defend them, and is un-invited to the pajama party-- until she offers to provide a party bus. Then she rules.

There are too many plot twists to continue the scene by scene.  Here's the gist:

Turns out that Lizzy used to be the guys' friend.  They played Wizard's Oath every day at lunch.   Then she joined the cool kids and dropped them.  But she took the drug, thinking that it was a mint, now they're in it together.

Everyone hates Gaten because as team mascot, he was leading the football team on their traditional naked run, and decided to prank a professor that he hated.  They chased the guy out of the stadium and onto the street. past the police department on a "bring your daughter to work day."  They all had to register as s*x offenders. Wait -- why didn't the guys just stop at the stadium exit?

More after the break

Weird Science, the movie and tv show: three gay-subtext couples, two gay-vague guys, and a lot of beefcake.

Link to the n*de dudes

Weird Science (1985) is a John Hughes brat pack comedy with a paranormal twist. Nerds Gary and Wyatt's (Anthony Michael Hall, Ilan-Mitchell Smith) are discouraged because the Girls of Their Dreams are dating a pair of belligerent, obnoxious preppies (Robert Downey Jr., Robert Rusler), and won't give them a chance.  So they use a computer to create their perfect dream girl, Lisa: she is not only attractive but super-smart, plus she has magical powers.

I forget most of the plot after 40 years, but wikipedia has helpfully filled in the details, Instead of dating them, Lisa conjures them a car, gets them fake ids, and hosts a wild party, where she thwarts their adversaries and their bullying older brother, military-school graduate Chet (Bill Paxton).

She also summons a pack of rabid bikers to kidnap the Girls, so Gary and Wyatt can mount a daring rescue and win them.

It was cheesy stuff, and entirely heteronormative.  There was a scattering of the incessant homophobia that one sees in every John Hughes movie, but spewed by the evil Chet, not by one of the good guys.  That was a big win in the era.  

Plus some strong gay subtexts between Gary and Wyatt and the prettyboy preppies Ian and Max.  And quite a surprising amount of beefcake

I wanted to do a "any gay roles/are they gay in real life" profile of one of the guys, but I can't find anything suitable.

Don't pay attention to the femme-half shirt and girly beneath-the-belt stuff.  Ilan-Mitchell Smith, now a history professor, is straight in real life.

Anthony Michael Hall, the darling of the Brat Pack, appeared in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Johnny B Goode, and as an adult The Dead Zone and Awkward.  Straight characters, with maybe one exception, and straight in real life.

Brat Packer Robert Downey Jr. appeared in Back to School, The Pick-Up Artist, Johnny B. Goode, became famous for Chaplin (playing the silent-era comedian), and went on to play Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes.  More straight characters, with maybe one exception, and....well, you get the idea.

At least we know that Robert Rusler is a gay ally: he befriended his Nightmare on Elm Street 2 co-star Mark Patton, and took him to some of the gay bars in West Hollywood (no, we never met).  But his tv work, in The Outsiders, Babylon 5, Snoops, Murder She Wrote, Bones, Ray Donovan...as far as I can tell, all heteronormative.  And...straight in real life.

Let's try the Weird Science TV Series.

It aired on the USA Network from 1994 to 1998. I watched on occasion, usually while on the treadmill at the gym. Gary and Wyatt are now played by Michael Manasseri and John Mallory Asher. Lisa characterizes herself as a "magic genie," and Wyatt's parents are absent, leaving his older brother Chet (Lee Tergesen) to look after/bully them.  

The "winning the Girl of Our Dreams" plotline appeared in just the first two or three episodes; later Lisa turns the boys into girls, clones them,  turns them into rock stars, traps them in a horror movie, traps them in The Twilight Zone, transports them to the Old West, and brings a video game villain to life. 

More after the break

"Time Freak": Asa Butterfield and his Boyfriend Get Girlfriends

 

Time Freak (2018) stars Asa Butterfield as mild-mannered physics student Stillman, who is so obviously in love with his gay-subtext life partner Evan (Skyler Gisondo) that one wonders why he wants a girlfriend at all.  Oh, right, this is Hollywood.  Boy meets girl, and all that. 

Stillman is also in love with the Girl of His Dreams.  Problem: she just dumped him.  Does he man up and move on?  Stand outside her window with a boom box?  Nope, he and Evan build a time machine and go back to see where things went wrong. Dude, maybe you're just not compatible.

Maybe it was that double-date where you insulted the Girl's bffs (she has one of each, girl and gay guy).  So they relive the moment, and other similarly prescient moments, a bazillion times. Every argument, every mior disagreement has to be ironed out.   Wait -- he's basically conning this girl. How would you like it if someone kept re-arranging your life events without your permission?

Meanwhile, Evan meets the Girl of His Dreams and keeps using the time machine to redo every less-than-perfect moment.  Guess what?  They're all less than perfect.  

Stillman finally realizes that going back in time was a bad idea: people get hurt, they hurt others, life is life.  How profound!  He wants to destroy the time machine, but Evan wants to keep it.  They argue, break up, and reconcile.

They end up stuck in the past, having to relive the events that they've been playing all over again.  But if they let life happen and not worry about making it perfect, maybe they can relax and have fun.  Fade-out boy-girl kiss. Darn, I thought Stillman and Evan would finally recognize their love.

Beefcake: None. 

Heterosexism: A double-dose of 1980s teen nerd Girl of His Dreams.

Gay Characters:   Remember the Girl's gay bff, Ryan (Will Peltz)?  He gets a boyfriend, too, and he doesn't even have to use a time machine.

My grade: D.  

But there are nude photos of Asa Butterfield on the NSFW version of this review.

The Binge: A bad 1980s teen nerd movie made in 2020, with two queer codes, some random naked guys, and a lot of queerbaiting

 

A review of The Binge (2020) praised the "strong friendship" between the central pair. Strong friendship means gay subtext, right?

So I sat through 20 minutes of a bad 1980s teen nerd comedy until the heteronormativity became overwhelming, then fast-forwarded to places where guys interacted without half-naked girls around.  Strong friendship means gay subtext, right? 

Not so much. Two queer codes, two queerbait characters, and 3,041 exclamations of "girls are the meaning of life!"

Link to NSFW version

The premise: a new Prohibition.  All alcohol and narcotics are banned in the U.S., except one day a year you can have all you want.  This is ridiculous: The logistics of producing and distributing all of that booze would be a nightmare, and narcotics -- usually understood as opiates and opioids -- are very dangerous.  Combine them with booze, and you will die.  And what about the use of opioids as painkillers?  Anyhow, most abused drugs are stimulants like cocaine or hallucinogens like Ecstasy, and have little addiction potential.

The guys: Griffin (Skyler Gisondo. top photo) and Hags (Dexter Darden, right. not what it looks like),  high school seniors, are eligible for their first Binge.  They want to go to a big binge party, because the Girls of Their Dreams will be there, and they can ask them to the prom and then to get married. (To stir things up, Griffin's girl happens to be the daughter of the over-protective Evil Principal).

Most of the movie involves their misadventures in attempting to get there.  Griffin gets his eyebrow shaved off.  They try to resurrect an injured cow, and get squirted with milk (presented as disgusting, although you pour it on your cereal every morning).  There's a ludicrously stupid song-and-dance number that goes on forever and ever.  

The queer codes: The Evil Principal (Vince Vaughn, left), explaining the horrible things that happen to teens who binge, discusses a girl who "found herself on a private plane with twelve Saudi princes, never to be seen again."  Griffin asks Hags if he wants to end up that way: "On a private plane?  Absolutely!", implying that he wouldn't mind being the sex companion for a group of Saudi princes.  But then they begin discussing the Girls of their Dreams.

Near the end of the movie, the guys have broken up.  In a climactic scene, they cross a crowded dance floor to embrace.  That's an "affirming our love" moment.  But then they ask their girls to the prom.

Queerbait #1: They catch a ride with Pompano Mike (Tony Cavalero), who is driving a busload of half-naked girls to the party, but doesn't express any heterosexual desire of his own.

Queerbait #2: Andrew (Eduardo Franco), who acts like a stoner even in the absence of marijuana, doesn't express any heterosexual interest; he tags along on the guys' quest just because he is an outcast at the high school, and wants friends.  Besides, another of Eduardo Franco's characters, Argyle, had a gay-subtext romance with Will Byers in Stranger Things

In a climactic scene, Andrew is arm wrestling with, I think Seb (Esteban Benito).  I was fast forwarding, so I don't know the back story.  He says "I love you!," and Seb responds "I love you. too."  Andrew is elated: "I've been waiting all my life for..."  Psych!  Seb was just trying to distract Andrew so he could win!  That sounds like a gay exchange.

They're really straight, har har:  In the sequel It's a Wonderful Binge (2022), Hags must retrieve his engagement ring so he can propose to the Girl of His Dreams.

Pompano Mike is back, with a much bigger role.  And a girlfriend!

Andrew has a girlfriend, too.  He also has two dads.  Not a gay couple:: they just don't know which is the biological father, so they're co-parenting. Take that, gay viewers!  You don't exist, har har!

There's a Vince Vaughn butt pic and some random nude guys in the NSFW version of this review.

See also: Gideon in the Friend Zone and two real gay-subtext Skyler vehicles:

Wet Hot American Summer

Time Freaks

Vampires vs. The Bronx: Gentrification, Vampires, and The Girl

 

The adults don't believe in the threat of monsters, goblins, vampires, witches, or zombies, so it's up to the kids to save their town or the world: the teen nerd (who wins the Girl of His Dreams along the way), his wisecracking best friend (who has a gay-subtext attraction to him), and the outsider who derives vital monster-fighting information from classic movies.

Sound familiar?  It's the plot of about a hundred movies from the 1980s, everything from Monster Squad to The Goonies to Hocus Pocus.  But Vampires vs. The Bronx has an interesting twist: gentrification, rich white people squeezing out the black and Hispanic residents (who moved there in the first place because redlining kept them out of "white" neighborhoods).

Scene 1: Establishing shot of the Bronx.  Becki the manicurist has been bought out by Frank Polidori , who comes in to finish the paperwork (uh-oh, John Polidori wrote "The Vampire" in 1819!)  For Murnau Properties (uh-oh, Murnau directed "Nosferatu" in 1922).  After she signs, a vampire sneaks in and bites her.

Meanwhile, a teeange boy is riding his bike through the Bronx, putting up fliers: "Save the Bodega Block Party."  He wants to keep the bodega (grocery store) from being bought out by rich white people.

Scene 2: More establishing shots of the Bronx: people lifting weights, playing cards, buying a slushie. Teenage boy is greeted as "Little Mayor," but his actual name is Miguel.  Meanwhile Gloria the social influencer asks about all the missing person fliers.

Miguel continues to be greeted by so many people that it's annoying.  Does everybody love this kid?

He stops into the bodega, talks to the owner and his friend Bobby.  Then he sees The Girl and gets all gooey-eyed.  I thought in 2020, we would be more inclusive, but nope, there always has to be a scene e demonstrating that the kid isn't gay.  

I'm fast-forwarding.

Miguel solves the vampire problem with the help of his two friends: bad boy Bobby, who has been expelled from school is being groomed to join a gang; and Luis the standard eyeglass-wearing monster-movie expert.

Miguel finally gets rejected by The Girl.  His friends say "Don't forget your boys," and he hugs them and says "I love you guys."  So there's a homosocial ending, anyway.

Two weeks later, he's at a "vampire-free" block party with his two friends and The Girl.  So maybe it's a heteronormative ending.

Beefcake: none.  There are various attractive adults in the cast, including Cliff "Method Man" Smith and Joel "The Kid Mero" Martinez, but nothing comes off, either in the movie or in a google search.  (The top photo is just a random hunk.)

Gay Characters: Miguel moons over The Girl; Bobby flirts with girls constantly; but Luis doesn't express any heterosexual interest.  Maybe he's gay, but if so, it's unstated and very well hidden.  A google search on "Vampires vs. the Bronx"  and "gay" reveals only advertisements for The Boys in the Band.

My Grade:  The gentrification angle doesn't outweigh the heterosexism. C.

"Onward": Not Your Grandfather's Teen Nerd Movie

I've seen any number of teen nerd movies, where the nerd gets mystical powers or goes on a quest for the sole purpose of wrestling the Girl of His Dreams from the obnoxious jock she's dating.  On the way, he is terrorized by bullies and sadistic big brothers, and savagely rejected by the "it" kids.

So I wasn't interested in seeing the new Disney-Pixar Onward  (dumb title). But Netflix is a desert and Vudu is getting slim...

The Premise:  A world populated by beings from folklore and mythology: elves, dwarves, pixies, centaurs, and so on.  They used magic until they discovered that technology is easier, so now they live in urban-sprawl cities with rush-hour traffic (this is better?), identical to our world except for some clever touches, like houses are shaped like mushrooms and they keep tiny dragons as pets.  Magic still exists, as a weird hobby pursued by a few eccentrics.

The Players:
1. Shy, socially-awkward, anxiety-ridden elf Ian (Tom Holland, top photo).
2. His widowed Mom (Julia-Louis Dreyfuss), apparently a troll or an orc.
3. His big, brash older brother Barley (Chris Pratt), also a troll or an orc.
4. Mom's new husband, by-the-books cop Colt Bronco (Mel Rodriguez), a centaur (insert joke about being hung like a horse).

The Set-Up:
It's Ian's sixteenth birthday.  He's agonizing over the prospect of inviting kids from school to his party, when Big Brother bounds down the stairs.

Uh, oh. Time for insults and name-calling.

Nope: Barley is exuberant and physical, but not bullying.  He's super-excited about Ian's birthday.

On to school.

Uh-oh.  Time for the Girl of His Dreams to walk by in slow motion, her hair blowing in the wind.

Nope:  No teenager in the movie displays or expresses any heterosexual interest.  John Hughes must be turning over in his grave (if he's dead)

Hesitating, petrified, Ian approaches the it-kids to invite them to his party.  Is one of them a troll with cerebral palsy?  Disability inclusive!

Uh-oh.  This is where they savagely reject him. "Come to your party, dick-wad?  I'd rather kiss a goblin!"

Nope.  They are perfectly willing to come to the party.

The Plot:  Ian's Dad (Kyle Bornheimer) was into magic, and left him a special gift: a mage-staff, with a spell that will bring him back to life for 24 hours, but only once.

Thrilled with the prospect of spending a day with his Dad, Ian starts the spell,but only gets Dad's bottom half revived before the Phoenix Stone that powers the staff breaks.  Ian, Barley, and Dad's Bottom Half are off on a dangerous quest through the urban wasteland to get another stone and finish the spell before the 24 hours are up.

They are pursued by Officer Bronco, Mom, and a helpful Manticore.

There are some minor complications.  The brothers have some minor disagreements:   It's all rather mild stuff up to the dragon at the end, the father resurrected only for a few seconds, and final brother-brother hug.

I think that the writers were trying so hard to be nice that forgot to be exciting.

Beefcake: No animated beefcake.

Gay Characters:  One of Colt Bronco's fellow officers mentions that she has a girlfriend, and the two are shown among the patrons of Manticore's restaurant in the final scene.  I expected a gay subtext between Ian and Barley, but their relationship is blatantly fraternal.  But not to worry, I'm sure the high school has a Gay-Straight Alliance.

My Grade:B+.