"Chantal": The assault of the Mayor's "friend" in Wild West Flanders. Plus boxer brothers and Colossus

I'm getting tired of big-city detectives moving to quaint small towns to solve murders -- I don't even like murder mysteries -- but who could resist Chantal (2022-25) on Amazon Prime:  a tv series set in "the far west of Flanders," the region of Belgium where they speak Flemish (actually a dialect of Dutch, separated for political reasons).

The Quad Cities, where I grew up, had a large Flemish community --  you could even take courses in the language at the community college.  The Belgian Inn, a few blocks from our house, served a famous Vandereuben: ham, corned beef, sauerkraut, and French dressing on slabs of rye toast the size of a dinner plate. 

 There is also a Belgian-American museum, a Belgian bookstore, and an annual Belgian bookstore, but I'm sure you'd rather see the Vande  reuben.  

I'll review Episode 4, because "the mayor's friend is assaulted."  Maybe it will be a boyfriend.

Scene 1: Night. a man loads a gun and some stuff into his car, when two guys approach and ask if he's Etienne (Bernard Pieters).  Before they can answer, they kick and punch him many times.  One complains that he hurt his foot on Etienne's head.  They have a message for him, but he's unconscious, so they run to their car and drive away.  A blonde woman and a bald man watch.

Scene 2: In a field, the guys complain: "Colossus just told us to scare Etienne, not kill him!"  And even if he's not dead, he won't know why they beat him up: they didn't get to deliver the message.  "Just tell Colossus 'mission accomplished.'"  They drive away.

The guys are Rinus (Kenneth De Scheemaecker) and Quinten (Bjarne Devolder, who is gay in real life).  Maybe the character is gay, too.

Title: Establishing shot of the picturesque village, shots of the cast, and "Who the F*ck is Colossus?"

 Scene 3: A middle aged guy (Mathias Sercu) knocks on Chantal's door -- her boyfriend from 25 years ago!  So this is one of those series where the big-city detective goes back to her small hometown to solve murders.

She isn' t happy to see him, but at least he brought breakfast.  They discuss how he's getting tired of his wife, even though she's attractive, smart, and makes a lot of money as a model.  Hint-hint.

Chantal doesn't take the bait.  She tells her lovers that they can bring toiletries,but leave the suitcase at home.   Her hookup from last night appears, har har, and asks if he can leave some toiletries.

A cop who dresses as a cowboy (Dries Heynemann) comes rushing up: she's needed now!  "But it's my day off!" "Tough -- mayor's orders!"

Cowboy wants to know what Ex-Boyfriend is doing there.  "What do you think I'm doing here, on a Sunday morning?"  As the Hookup passes on the way out, Cowboy stares at him suspiciously, no doubt thinking that they had a three-way.

Scene 4:  On the way to the mayor, Cowboy gazes at Chantal's lady parts -- wait, he's into her, too?  --  and they discuss his attraction to Sylvia -- the Ex-Boyfriend's wife?  

The Case: Etienne, city councilman, head of the hunting club, and the mayor's friend (hopefully boyfriend) , was beat up in his driveway, and is now in a coma.

They interview the Mayor (Yves Degryse): "Etienne was supposed to pick me up at 5:30 for hunting, but he never came or called, so I went over, and found him in the drive way." 

He looks like he's about to cry.  "Are you ok?" Chantal asks.

"No, my friend was beat up."  Chantal is still suspicious.  Maybe she thinks they are boyfriends.

Scene 5: More about Etienne: Good guy, captain of the football (soccer) team, day job in real estate, partnered with the Mayor.  Chantal finds this suspicious.

At the station, Chantal wonders why Etienne was carrying a gun when he was attacked. Did he startle a burglar? Because he was going hunting?  Neighbors didn't hear anything.  No surveillance cameras.  "So we know nothing."

"Just like we know nothing about why your Ex-Boyfriend was at your house," Cowboy chimes in.  Why does he care?  Is this one of those series where every man gazes at the focus character like she's a pork chop?

As she is brainstorming, and the other cops are making fun of each of her ideas, the Mayor calls her and Cowboy into his office. He just got a threatening call from Schiettekatte (everyone knows who these people are except Chantal, who is new in town, so they have to explain it to her). 

Schiettekatte is a Very Important Man who put in an application to tear down a shrine to Tipsy Mia's dead son so he could build something.  They rejected him.  He just called and told the Mayor to reconsider his application "if you don't want to end up like Etienne."  Red herring.

More after the break

"The Sinner": Retired cop, sleazoid prof, and predatory chum, in Australia/New York. But at least we see Matt Bomer nude.

  

I was recommended Season 3 of The Sinner, a crime drama anthology starring Bill Pullman as a cop drawn into different adventures every season.  I'm not much into crime dramas, but there are reputedly gay subtexts, so here goes: Episode 1.

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: Jamie (Matt Bomer) a guy in a scruffy suit, sits in a toilet stall, smoking marijuana. He walks through a ritzy private school, getting drooled over by all the coeds.  They need another chaperone for the LGBTQ  Alliance field trip.  "Sure, I'm happy to do it."  So he's bi?   

Then he teaches his class -- something about the Treaty of Versailles --in a small, crowded conference room.  Only female students?.  Is this a girls' school, or are we emphasizing that he's a hetero horndog?

After class, a girl hangs back to flirt while her friends glare jealously from the door.  Don't worry, you'll get your turn.  She's decided to apply to Brown, and she needs a letter of recommendation.  "Sure, you write it and I'll sign it."   Sleazing on co-eds, and now forgery?  This guy is a jerk.

Scene 2: The Big Boss congratulates elderly cop Harry (Bill Pullman, left) on his retirement, although his replacements, Soto (Eddie Martinez. below) and McCafferty, are awful.  They have verve and energy, but no experience. 

Scene 3: A train chugging by a river.  Inside, Jamie the Sleazoid Prof is staring angrily at the other passengers as they scroll through their cell phones.  He gets off and chases after one, a bald guy in a business suit.

Meanwhile, Harry the Retired Cop, at the same station, greets his daughter and grandson: "Welcome to the Northern Territory." So this must be Darwin, Australia.  They drive to the creepy, isolated house that he bought to retire in -- a former army barracks.  Daughter disapproves -- what if he need help? Cell phones don't even work out here.  "I can get bars in the front yard." 

She also disapproves of her son's interest in reading.  "That's all he does.  He's got no friends."  Especially that one fantasy novel -- he won't put it down. Plot dump: she's recently divorced, and ex Andy has vanished to London.

Scene 4: Jamie the Sleazoid Prof is barbecuing, while his wife Leela complains about the customers in her shop.   Wait -- what happened to the guy he was chasing?  I thought he'd end up dead.  Suddenly Jamie has the urge to stick his hand onto the barbecue grill, but Wifey interrupts him.  They smooch.  .

Doorbell rings: Amazon Delivery.  Jamie is shocked and horrified. "What are you doing here?  I told you not to come here." So he prefers brick-and-mortar bookstores?  

Nope, the Amazon stuff was a misdirection.  It's actually Nick (Chris Messina), whom Jamie knows but hates.  Maybe a downlow hookup?  They argue and sputter at each other, but when Leela shows up, Nick is all smiles, and gets a dinner invitation.

Scene 5: Jamie the Sleazoid Prof and Hookup Nick glaring at each other across the dinner table, while Leela drones on about her shop. I don't really understand what she sells, but there are candles and  "essential oils"  Nick criticizes Jamie for forcing his wife to move to Australia, when she wanted to stay in Brooklyn. He makes more ominous, threatening statements, but Leela is oblivious. Not very smart for someone named after a space pilot on "Futurama."  

Scene 6: Night.  Harry the Retired Cop is asleep on the couch.  He gets a phone call. Hey, no cell phone reception, remember?  There was an accident off Route 9, so he has to go investigate.  Hey, retired, remember?

And now he's driving on the right side of the road.  This can't be Australia!  But the only Northern Territory I'm familiar with is in Australia.  There's a Northwest Territory in Canada, but I don't think Yellowknife has that huge train station.  Maybe he was riffing on the remoteness of his community, and expected to have the sound on, so they could hear the accents. 

Accident scene: The driver crashed into a tree. "He's ok -- at St. Emilia's getting checked out."  But he got splattered all over the car.  WTF?  Lady, you just said he was ok! Are we watching events in parallel worlds simultaneously?

What was the driver doing on private road that leads to just one house, where the owner wasn't expecting him?  The cops scratch their heads, baffled by this mystery. Harry checks out the driver -- it's Hookup Nick!

Scene 7:  The other "he," the one that's ok, is Jamie the Sleazoid Prof.  He sits on an examination table, looking sinister, staring at his hands.  

Scene 8: Retired Cop Harry works while his replacement, Soto, glares at him.  He calls a lady to tell her that the cops have some of her father's stuff.  Does she want it?  "No. Ok, I'll give you my home address."  Now he says he's in Dorchester, New York 11332.  The zip code is Flushing, Queens.  I was not aware that Queens was called the Northern Territory.  So when Nick got angry because Jamie forced his wife to move to the other side of the world, he meant ten minutes by subway? 

Jamie the Sleazoid Prof comes in for the insurance interview. After dinner, they went out for a drink at Nick's hotel. On the way back, Nick was driving too fast, and crashed  No big mystery.

"But where were you going?  You were nowhere near your house or his hotel. "Um...um...we were looking for an overlook, and got lost."  An overlook in the middle of the night?

Gay subtext: "I saw Nick die.  It was like seeing him for the first time.  The way he looked at me..."  This makes Harry suspicious.  So what if Nick and Jamie were boyfriends?  How would that affect the case?

More obfuscation after the break

"The Student Prince": Cop and Prince Fall in Love. Or Not.

 

The Student Prince (1997), on Amazon Prime: a BBC "comedy-romance" about a police officer assigned to look after a young prince attending Cambridge University.  His duties "soon go beyond bodyguarding"  Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.   

The two young men "learn about life, love, and themselves."  Is there any way to interpret that sentence, other than "they fall in love"?

 There's no LGTQ key word, although the 16+ rating suggests gay themes.  On the icon, the two men are separated by a woman, but I'll chance it.

Scene 1: Cop (Robson Green) is informed by his boss that he's been "promoted" to royal babysitter..um, er, bodyguard.  He grumbles at the assignment, but has no choice.  

Driving through Cambridge.  Cop's driver grumbles: "You'll actually have to share his room?"   No, that's not how bodyguards work.  Cop will get his own room in the Prince's suite.

Arriving, he has a meet-cute with a girl!  And a double-take as she leaves!  This guy has been established as heterosexual.  I'm not happy with this development. 

Scene 2: Michaelmas Term (Fall Semester):  Cop finally arrives at the Prince's room, just in time to see the Prince (Rupert Penry-Jones) and the previous bodyguard hugging: "Goodbye, sir.  Don't forget to call your mother now and again."  Does this job involve hugging?

Cop and Prince have tea.  Prince (who goes by his family name, Windsor) asks polite questions, which Cop rebuffs, staring at his teacup.  Geez, what's wrong with this guy?

Out in the hallway, Prince talks to his book-carrying friend, Adams (Christopher Staines).  "I can't believe I've been assigned the room where Lord Byron wrote Childe Harold." They plan on getting together later.

Scene 3: At a reception.  Cop gets cruised by the nerdy Hargreaves (Mark Gough), a Natural Science tutor (instructor), who brags about his 3 A-levels. Soon Cop abandons him to flirt with the meet-cute girl from Scene 2.  Grrr... Meanwhile, the Prince gets introdued around: to the Dean, to his Tutor, and to a horny blond woman: "I'll bet every girl here is trying to get into your royal undies."  The Prince is entranced by her candor, and boobs.  Uh-oh, another heterosexual?

Scene 4:  Back in their rooms, Cop is unpacking, when the Prince comes in -- wearing a bathrobe -- bringing him some hot cocoa.  "But I thought we were going to a bar?"  It's a bit early in your relationship for a three-way, innit?   

The Prince tries some more polite questions: "What did you study at Uni?"  Cop scoffs: "I left school at 16. There's more to life than reading books."  The Prince is studying literature.  "And what will you do with those qualifications?" Um...become King of England? 

"So...um...do you like musicals?  Andrew Lloyd Webber played at my 18th birthday party.  Isn't he fantastic?"   Grimace, growl.  The Prince retreats. Liking musicals is gay-coded. Maybe they'll fall in love after all.

Scene 5:  Middle of the night.  Someone comes into Cop's room, so he leaps out of bed with his gun -- naked!  Nice butt.  It's actually just the housekeeper, here to change the sheets.  Wouldn't she usually wait until they're out of their rooms?  The Prince gets an eyeful of the nude Cop, and apparently likes what he sees.

Scene 6:  Prince and Cop arrive late to their class, where the Tutor is discussing a passage from Shakespeare about royals: "they're all a pack of lying, murderous, adulterous villains!  What do you think, Your Highness?"    

Scene 7:  The Societies Fair, where you can sign up for extracurricular activities like the Canoe Club and the Save the Foxes Society.  They pass picketers: "No royal privilege!"  Apparently the Prince got two D-levels, and would never be admitted to Cambridge if he weren't a royal.  

While the Prince looks around, Cop gawks at the ballerinas.  He runs into Shaggy (Jeremy Swift), an old friend that he..um...put in prison?  

Scene 8:  The Prince decides to go out for some sport involving running past a goal while carrying a ball.  Like football, but with a round ball, and apparently you can't throw it.  He's terrible.  The Cop and his Jail Friend stand on the sidelines, making fun of him.   Then the Prince is kicked, and Cop rushes to his aid.

Scene 9: The Prince in the bathtub (nice chest).  He yells at Cop for interfering with the game.  "I get teased all the time for being a royal.  I can take care of myself!"  

Cop sits down on the edge of the bathtub and for some reason notes that he's engaged to a woman named Lisa.  

Prince: "I've never had a proper relationship with a woman."

Cop jumps up in homophobic panic.  " Wait...you're not...."  

"Oh, no, of course not.  It just that there's always somebody watching."

They're both heterosexual.  I'm out.  

Breaking Bad: Everyone Loves Jesse

People kept telling me, "You have to watch Breaking Bad (2008-2013).  It's great!  It's fabulous!  It's colossal!"

I turned on the first episode, in which Albuquerque chemistry teacher Walter White (Bryan Cranston) finds out that he has lung cancer, and in order to provide for his family, decides to produce methamphetamine.  He talks one of his ex-students, a meth dealer named Jesse (Aaron Paul),into being his assistant.

Jesse uses anti-gay slurs.

Click.  Why should I watch a homophobic program?

My friends implore me to watch.

But the program is homophobic!

Recently I have been forced to watch The Shield, which was the most homophobic programs ever, dripping with contempt for homos, and with an actual plotline in which a gay guy turns straight due to the power of prayer!  So I figured I could handle Breaking Bad.

The homophobic slurs are infrequent after the first episode.  I guess the writers figured they had gotten rid of all the gay viewers, and didn't need to bother anymore.

So, what did I find, going incognito into a program exclusively for heterosexuals?

Well, of course, there are no explicitly gay characters.  Like most television drama, Breaking Bad is set in a world where gay people are assumed not to exist.

But, wow!  Walt and Jesse.

They behave like romantic partners.

They are treated like romantic partners.

They break up, date other people, then reconcile.

Jesse is wooed by a new boyfriend, Mike, and Walt roils with jealousy and tries to win him back.

Each says to a bad guy (well, to someone equally bad), "If you kill him, you'll have to kill me, too."

Even other people notice.  When Mike is told "If you kill him, you'll have to kill me too," he says "What is it with you two?"

Even in Season 5, after Walt has betrayed Jesse a dozen times, Jesse still behaves as if he's in love with him.

Jesse says "Why don't you stop pretending that you care about me?"

Walt hugs him.  Jesse breaks down and sobs.

Then there are the gay characters, or at least characters who are well-groomed, sophisticated, and expressing no interest in women.

Including big time meth dealer Gustavo Fring (Giancarlo Esposito), who, in a flashback, sees his lover murdered by cartel head Hector Salamanca. He invites guys he likes, such as Jesse, over for dinner and who-knows-what-else at his house.

At one of the drug cartel's gatherings, the entertainment consists of women, who come in and sit on the laps of the men.  Not Gustavo, though.  He's obviously not interested.

During one of Walt and Jesse's breakups, Gale Boetticher (David Costabile) becomes Walt's new assistant.  Well-groomed, sophisticated, no women around, gives Walt a copy of Leaves of Grass, the famous gay-themed classic, with the inscription: "To my star, my perfect silence"

What, exactly, were they up to after hours?

For that matter, few if any of the characters on Breaking Bad exhibit significant

Walt's teenage son Junior (RJ Mitte) has a best boy friend but never mentions girls, although he gets the standard heterosexist "you must be girl-crazy" gibberish from his dad and uncle.

D
Tuco Salamanca (Raymond Cruz), one of the baddie drug dealers, spends all of his time with men.

Jesse's friends, Badger (Matt L. Jones) and Skinny Pete (Charles Baker), display an interest in women in just one scene.










Hank (Dean Norris), Walt's brother-in-law, who also happens to be a DEA Agent, has a wife, but he spends all of his quality time in the company of men.  He even tries to woo Jesse away from Walt.

Who doesn't?  This show should be called Everybody Loves Jesse.

So that's what heterosexuals are up to when they think there are no gay people watching.

12 Beefcake Stars of "Fringe"

I'm being forced to watch a sci-fi series about FBI agents investigating the paranormal.  No, not the The X-Files, Fringe (2008-2013).  The difference is: Mulder and Scully...um, I mean Peter (Joshua Jackson) and Olivia (Anna Torv)...are assisted by an eccentric scientist/mental patient (John Noble), and the frame story is about parallel worlds, not aliens.

It was produced by J.J. Abrams, who helped eliminate almost all gay people from Lost,  so you have to expect even more heterosexism than usual in sci fi series.  And, indeed, people are always blathering on about "my husband!" or "my wife!", mourning lost heterosexual loves, and assuming universal heterosexual identity.  When Fringe first aired in 2008, I refused to watch because the pilot hit you over the head with "we're all heterosexual! we're all heterosexual!"  in the very first scene.

But I have noticed something interesting.  In every episode, at least one of the guest stars is buffed.  Body by Michelangelo,  Like, built.

A simple whisk through the cast list to take my mind off the "everybody on Earth is heterosexual!" chants reveals an incredible profusion of biceps and bulges.

1, "A New Day in the Old Town": Olivia has an auto accident and disappears for 40 minutes into a parallel world.  Luke Goss of Hellboy as "regular guy" Lloyd Parr.

2. "Momentum Deferred": Shapeshifters from the parallel world appear to steal cryogenically-frozen heads while talking about their wives.  Sebastian Roche (left) as Thomas Jerome Newton, aka Omega Man, a buffed villain from the Other Side.

3. "Dream Logic":  People start acting out their dreams and killing each other. Including men with wives!  A guest FBI agent is played by former soap hunk Travis Schuldt (left).

4. "Snakehead": Drug dealers are smuggling parasitic organisms into the U.S., using the bodies of Asian men (and their wives and children) as hosts.  They need to show the parasitic organism moving around inside the bodies, so lots of hunky Asian men take their shirts off, notably former model Jack Yang.

5. "Unearthed": Dead people comes back to life speaking Russian, which their husbands and wives insist they never knew. One of the dead people is Will Turlough, played by bodybuilder and soap star Mark Dobies (top photo).

6. "Johari Window."  See, there's a town full of deformed people who look normal most of the time, and don't like outsiders.  Including a heterosexual nuclear family, with the dad/husband played by bulgeworthy Canadian hunk Martin Cummins (left).








7. "What Lies Below": A 13,000 year old virus that wiped out all of the Pleistocene mammals resurfaces in an office building.  One of the quarantined office drones desperately calling his wife is played by Al Miro (left)

8. "Jacksonville": A building from the parallel world appears here, merging the bodies of two guys.  The one desperately calling for his wife is played by the extremely cute Ryan McDonald.

9. "Olivia in the Lab with the Revolver."  An illness from the parallel world shows up here, with muscular actor Jamie Switch as one of the victims.

10. "The Bishop Revival." The villain is killing people with certain genetic characteristics, like the descendants of a Holocaust survivor at a Jewish wedding chock-full of 20-ish hunks, notably Aaron Brooks as Josh Staller.

11. "White Tulip": A scientist tries to go back in time to reunite with his dead fiance. Jackson Berlin of Man of Steel plays Agent #2 (left).

12. "The Man from the Other Side."  The shapeshifters from the Other Side are trying to get to our world, with bodybuilder Fraser Aitcheson as Cop #1.

And that's just Season 2.

I can imagine the conversation in Casting: "Ok, your character is a businessman who explodes on the subway after yelling for his wife.  So take off your clothes...."

See: Prime-time Dramas Think You Don't Exist;  15 More Beefcake Stars of Fringe. and The Top 10 Hunks of "Orange is the New Black"