"Chelsea Detectives," Episode 1.3: Who murdered Mrs. Romano? The hot chef, the hot delivery guy, her surly son, or her wife?

 

The Chelsea Detectives (2022-25), on Amazon Prime, is a series of movies featuring murders in the posh Chelsea neighborhood of London, investigated by "will they or won't they" inspectors Max and Layla (Adrian Scarborough, Vanessa Emme).

Adrian (bum on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) is quite different from the usual American "will they or won't they" leading man: Pierce Brosnan in Remington Steele, Tony Danza in Who's the Boss, Ted Danson in Cheers, or Bruce Willis in Moonlightning (famous accidental d*ck shot on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

 But if the painter is being accurate, he's got a bigger d*ck than any of them.

 I looked through all of the episodes to find one that didn't involve a husband with a dead wife or a "devoted family man," and came up with Episode 2, Mrs. Romono.  It may even have a lesbian couple.

Intro: Establishing shots of the Thames, then Max rides his bike through Chelsea, past Cadogan Hall and Sloane Square, but not Harrod's.  

He calls for Astrid, who is getting ready to go out, but all he needs is the name of her friend who deals with rare books.  He's got some first editions from Dad's shop that the dealer might like. 

Uh-oh, here comes Astrid's date, played by Michael D. Xavier.  Having been defeated by a guy with a bigger d*ck, Max retreats.  I thought they were siblings?  She must be an ex-girlfriend.

Rare books are not mentioned again in the episode, darn it.

Scene 2: Robyn Romano, influencer, author of a bestselling cookbook, and owner of the famous La Famiglia Restaurant,  has a lot of problems that could result in murder:

1. The Delivery Guy wanted to stay to the end of the month, but she wants him out now  

2. She goes to the kitchen and kisses the other Mrs. Romano a dozen times, while the chef growls (must be homophobic).  

3. The Other Mrs. Romano wants to make a big announcement, but it's too soon.  They argue.

4. She argues with the Other Mrs. Romano's son, Luca (Cayvan Coates):  "You agreed not to upset your Mum.  I'm helping you."

"Growl, growl."

In What it Means, a two-person play about Merle Miller, whose essay "What it Means to Be a Homosexual" became one of the early texts in the Gay Liberation Movement, Cayvan Coates plays the Boy from Pittsburgh.  He also stars in Alfie's Island, a short about two former boyfriends (Cayvan, Liv Ello) hoping to reconnect, and kissing a lot.  

Definitely gay in real life; presumably his character is gay, too.

Scene 3: Time for the murder.  Late at night, Robyn goes home -- to her house right on the Thames -- hears a noise, notices that the glass door to the patio is broken, and goes outside to investigate.  Dumb! A scream!  A neighbor calls the politce.

More after the break

"Zero's Tea Time": Two Guys Flirt in a Restaurant, Probably.

 

The promo to Zero's Tea-Time shows two guys in a restaurant together, no doubt on a date.  Enough gay potential for me to investigate further.

It's a anime with 6 episodes, each 15 minutes long (including a 5-minute intro).  Netflix keeps track of everything you've watched, even for a few minutes, since the beginning of time, and apparently I watched 3/4ths of the first episode.  But I remember nothing about it, so I'm going in fresh.  The two guys in the restaurant scene is from Episode 3, entitled "Time 3."

Intro: A blond guy serves tea, shoots a gun, brushes his teeth (chest shot), types into a computer while sitting in a dark alley.  

He or another blond guy makes eggs at Coffee Poirot ("Amuro Toru"), then shoots a gun ("Private Eye"), walks down the street in a business suit ("Furuya Rei"), plays baseball ("Tomisiro").  Apparently he has four personas: they all appear together as "Zero!" 

You think the intro is over?  Nope, the four personae appear again, one at a time, doing their individual tasks, and Detective Conan (the boy-detective who apparently appears in every Japanese anime ever produced) invites us to "enjoy a slice of Amuro Toro's life."   So this episode is about the barista persona?

Scene 1: Furuya Rei (Business Suit Persona) drinks coffee at a red light while telling a woman on the phone that the case is closed, thanks to Detective Mouri.  Ugh, slow camera pan of her caressing her legs in the bathtub!  She pauses to caress her boob and bring a rose petal seductively to her lips.  This is straight porn!  But I sat through the entire 5-minute long intro, so I'm sticking with it.

She wonders if he is going to give up "following him," now that the case is over?  Nope, he's even more intrigued by the "sleeping Kogaru." 

Scene 2: As Rei walks up to his apartment, the woman seductively gets out of the bath tub, wraps a towel around herself, and notes that she's having trouble falling asleep at night. He suggests: not taking a bath before bed, no cell phones or laptops, and no alcohol: try Ume Kombucha instead. During the suggestions, the camera lingers on her legs as she drops the towel and puts on lingerie.  Boy, was I mistaken!  This is all disgusting horny hetero male gaze dreck!

Scene 3: The porn over, Rei gets on his computer and pulls up a photo of a smiling older man with his arms around two teenage boys, one blond, both looking angry.  His dad and brother? Then some military guys clowning.  He apparently falls asleep.

Scene 4: Four guys in suits tell him "You're late."  Rei, now named Zero, wakes up at 5:00 am, in bed (partial chest shot).  He goes to work at the Cafe Poirot and complains to his girl coworker that he didn't sleep well.  She suggest Ume Kombucha.

More after the break

"The Bear": It took 3,430 f-words to realize that this wasn't about gay bears

The Bear, on Hulu (originally on FX): everyone knows that a bear is a hairy, chunky gay man.  Plus the icon for Episode 8 looks like two guys holding hands.  On close inspection, they are not, but still, they're quite chummy.  Is it a gay-themed series?  Searching for "The Bear" and "gay" of course yields 35,000,000 hits, so I'll have to review an episode to be sure.  I chose Episode 4, "Dogs," in which Carmy and Ritchie work together.

Intro: Someone's hands making donuts.  The promo said that this was a meat restaurant, "The Original Beef of Chicagoland." No, it's Roecker's Bakery.

Scene 1:  Behind the store, a slim bearded guy (Ebon Moss-Bachrach, left) is putting a t-shirt on a a giant inflated hot dog.  Curly-haired guy with ugly tattoos (Jeremy Allen White, below) asks why.  "Because fucking kids love fucking hot dogs, dumbass."  "I know, that's why we fucking sell fucking hot dogs."  "We're bringing this fucking hot dog to the fucking kid's party we are catering, so shut the fuck up, fucking dumb ass."  I doubt that these guys are boyfriends. About 300 "fucks" later, we get the gist: they borrowed money from a gangster, so they're catering the kid's party to avoid getting their legs broken.

They try to get the hot dog into their car, but it doesn't fit.  They begin cursing at each other (more) and throwing punches.  Not only are they not boyfriends, they actively hate each other.

Scene 2:  In the bakery, the Chef has prepared a new chocolate cake.  Sydney, a woman, tastes it and pronounces it "ok." He is thrilled.   Sydney asks another employee about the mashed potatoes (essential in a bakery), and is told to "I have been in this kitchen since before you were born, so fuck off." I'm getting nauseated from the "fucks," so I'll substitute f***."    

Scene 3: The hot dog guys on the highway.  Slim guy is laughing hysterically over a video in which "this f**ing guy tries to f** up a f***ing little nerd, and the f*** little nerd just f***ing washes him!  F***!"  I give up.  Just assume that 3/4ths of the dialogue consists of the F word.  Ugly Tattoo guy cautions him to not bring up the stuff about Cicero (a person, not the Chicago suburb.) Cut to Cicero and Slim Guy yelling at each other.  

Scene 4: As they set  up for the birthday party, an old guy approaches Ugly Tattoo -- Carmen.  "I thought  you killed yourself." "No, sir, that was my brother."  Slim guy -- Richie -- takes a pill for his anxiety.  He didn't bring ketchup because only f* assholes put ketchup on hot dogs.  He also wants to know why Carmen brought all this "gay-ass fruit."  

Not only are they not a romantic couple, they're f*** homophobes.  I'm out.

The producers must be so homophobic that they never heard of gay bears, so they didn't expect any confusion.  Or they don't care.

By the way, Richie gets top billing, and Carmen third.  Second billing goes to "Pete," played by Chris Witaske of the comedy series What Men Want.  I'm guessing the answer is "women."

Bob's Burgers: The Most Gay-Positive Sitcom on TV

Since 2011, Bob's Burgers has been airing on Sunday night, in the company of Family Guy and American Dad.  But it is quite different from those programs.

1. The father and mother in the nuclear family are not insensitive jerks.
2. They accept their children's idiosyncracies, instead of berating and belittling them (on American Dad) or maiming and murdering them (on Family Guy)
3. There are no sociopaths (like Roger Smith and Stewie Griffin), who kill, maim, and express same-sex interests all in the same scene, as if they are all equally disgusting.
4. There are few if any jokes involving menstruation, masturbation, vomiting, golden showers, diarrhea, or body fluids in general.
5. No one ever collapses in a pool of blood.
6. No one ever expresses hatred of blacks, Asians, Native Americans, Jews, Muslims, women, gay men, lesbians, or transgender persons.

In short, you never think you're watching a Nazi recruitment film scripted by potty-mouthed third graders.

It's about a small, struggling burger joint in a resort town in New Jersey, run by aspiring chef Bob Belcher (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin, top photo) and his New York accented wife, Linda (John Roberts).  Plotlines generally involve restaurant problems, such a visit from the health inspector, competition with the pizza place across the street, or buying a food truck -- and the problems of the three kids:



1. Shy, socially-awkward teenager Tina (Dan Mintz).
2. Chubby preteen Gene (Eugene Merman), an exuberant nonconformist who may be gay.
3. Preteen rebel Louise (Kristin Schaal), who always wears bunny ears (no one in the family seems to care).

Heterosexism appears on occasion.  A boy band has only female fans, and when Gene gets a secret admirer, everyone assumes that it must be a girl.  But not often.  Usually same-sex desire and relationships are seamlessly integrated into everyday life.

Bob gets a part-time job as a taxi driver, and finds himself driving a group of drag queens home from the bars.  Does he:
a. Freak out, but learn tolerance.
b. Rescue the drag queens from homophobic harassment.
c. Invite them to the restaurant.

Answer: C.  Invite them to the restaurant.

At Christmastime, Bob decides to reconcile with his estranged Dad, Big Bob.  They meet in a gay bar called the Junkyard.  Why?
a. Neither of them realize that it's a gay bar until they get hit on; then they freak out but learn tolerance.
b. Big Bob tells Bob that he's gay and closeted; that's why he withdrew from the family.
c. Big Bob likes hanging out there with his gay friends.

Answer: C.  Big Bob just likes hanging out there.

Gene announces that he is gay.  What happens?

a. The family freaks out but learns tolerance.
b. The family goes overboard with acceptance,
c.  Nothing.

Actually, this episode hasn't appeared yet, and it's not likely to, because stories require conflict and, at least on Bob's Burgers, there wouldn't be any.  Being gay is perfectly ordinary; the family wouldn't have a reaction to it.

By the way, John Roberts, the voice actor who plays Linda, is gay.

Wahlburgers: 4 Seasons, No Underwear

Marky Mark Wahlberg, who rose to fame as a pants-dropping rapper and later spun his mega-buffed physique into serious dramatic roles, is now in his mid 40s, and the star of a reality series, Wahlburgers (2014-)

32 episodes so far in two mini-seasons per year, in the spring and summer.

It's actually about Wahlburgers, a "family" restaurant run by his brother Paul, back in Boston. Of course, Mark gets into the act, as well as two other actor brothers, Donnie and Bob, plus various wives, children, and family friends.

Plots involve scouting out new restaurant locations, scoping out the secret sauce, helping friends get their careers off the ground, and various family squabbles.  Pretty dull stuff.

You weren't a big enough star to make your family intrinsically interesting, Marky.

Still, there are the physiques...

Mark is fabulously built, of course, and Donnie, a New Kid on the Block back in 1990, now a regular cop/soldier/tough guy in tv series like Blue Bloods, is not bad.

Unfortunately, neither disrobes often.  An occasional chest, no underwear.

And the other brothers are less than droolworthy.

Family friends/investors look like they belong on the set of Cheers.  They're either Cliff or Norm.

Most of the brothers' children are still preteens.  Donnie's sons, Xavier Walhberg and Elijah Hendrix Wahlberg, are 23 and 15, respectively, but do not appear on the show.

That leaves Brandon, son of sister Tracey, an aspiring actor who works at a warehouse.  He had a Marky-style physique.

But he doesn't take his shirt off on camera.  This photo of his impressive arms is from his twitter page.

Well, at least the food looks good.

See also: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

Richie Brose: 1980s Beefcake Star Opens a Restaurant

This is the physique of a pizza chef.

Richard Brose may not be a household name today, but he was a regular guest star on 1980s tv.  Whenever a casting agent needed a man-mountain, especially for a Sylvester Stallone parody, , they would "call Richie."

He was working as a bodyguard at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas when Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian became a mega-hit (1983), and Universal Studios opened an "Adventures of Conan" attraction.  They needed a Conan.  Richie auditioned, got the job, and kept it for the next ten years.

In 1984, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure was casting a scene where Pee-Wee Herman rides his bike through a movie studio, disrupting a lot of movies being filmed.  Richie got the part of "Tarzan."

For the next 6 years, he often drove down from the San Fernando Valley for guest spots on tv:

He played a wrestler on Night Court (1985).

"Chesty" on Trapper John, M.D.(1985).

"Rambo Type Man" on Misfits of Science (1985).

"Hambro" on Hunter (1986).

A Hunk on Perfect Strangers (1986).

A fitness trainer on Charles in Charge (1988).

But his real love was cooking.  He opened a restaurant in Antelope Valley, and in the 1990s he relocated to Vancouver, Washington to open New York Richie's.  He now owns several pizza places in the northwest, but he returns to show biz from time to time.  He played Batman at Magic Mountain, and in 2006 he became an associate producer of Being Earnest, an adaption of the gay-subtext classic.

No indication of whether he's gay or not, but not a lot of gay men flee Los Angeles for the haven of LaGrande, Oregon.

15 Simple Rules of Gay Dating

Dating is not cruising, and a date is not a hook-up.

Both activities are interesting and pleasurable, but cruising has one goal: to find a physically-attractive partner for immediate erotic intimacy.

Dating has several goals -- to engage in entertaining activities, to have interesting conversations, to be seen with someone attractive, and ultimately to find a long-term romantic partner.

But it's not as simple as sending a text to an attractive guy asking him to dinner next Friday night.  Gay dating has its own rules, procedures, and protocols that differ considerably from cruising.

And, for that matter, from heterosexual dating.

Here are 15 simple rules of gay dating.



(I am assuming that you are the one who suggested the date, and that it has the traditional five segments: Meeting, Entertainment, Dinner, Dancing, and Return.)

The Meeting
How and where do you meet for the events?

1. If you suggested the date, you must call for him at his home.  It is uncommon and in rather bad taste to meet at the Entertainment Venue, so only suggest it if there is an excellent reason, like you live right next door and he lives 50 miles away.

2. You must also pay for the activities, although it is polite for him to offer to pay his share. If the activities are very expensive, you can ask in advance if he would mind chipping in, but, again, that is in bad taste.

3. Sometimes gay men aren't clear on whether you expect friendship or romance, so a kiss before leaving his home will alleviate his concerns.




The Entertainment Venue
Traditionally a movie, but live theater or a sporting event work as well, anything which allows you to be together for a couple of hours without having to make conversation.

4. Heterosexual couples have no qualms about holding hands, hugging, or kissing in the midst of any entertainment venue, but gay couples must be careful.  If he rejects your physical gestures, it doesn't mean that he is not interested -- he may just be being cautious.

5. Even without physical contact, you will get stared at, as most heterosexual buddies who attend entertainment venues together try to sit with a seat between them, lest they accidentally brush knees.

The Dinner
Dinner occurs after the entertainment, to give you something to talk about.

6. If the restaurant is not in a gay neighborhood, you will be asked "How many in your party?" and "are you together or separate?" repeatedly.  The host and servers are unaware of the existence of gay people, and assume that you are two buddies hanging out together.

7. If the restaurant contains a bar, half-drunk ladies will also assume that you are two buddies hanging out together, and thus up for grabs.  They will send you drinks or ask to join you.  Reject them tactfully.

8. Dinner conversation should not include coming out stories, analyses of the faults of ex-boyfriends, or discussions of favored sexual positions.

Dancing
The fourth segment of the date is dancing or some other physical activity, such as ice skating, to work off the stupor of dinner and prepare you for an energetic good-night kiss.

9. Only dance in a gay club.  If you try it in an establishment that is for heterosexuals, you will get stared at and joked about, and you may be assaulted in the parking lot.  

10. When you are not on the dance floor, both you and your date will be hit on.  You can lessen the number of interlopers by physically touching him at all times, signaling "This one is off limits."  But that won't deter the most oblivious.






The Return
The date is not over until you escort him back to his home and say "Goodnight."

11. For heterosexuals, the invitation to come inside is optional, but for gay couples, it is mandatory, primarily because it is too risky to attempt a kiss on the doorstep.  If he does not invite you into his home, or if you do not accept, there will be no second date.

12. Once you are inside, a kiss followed by physical intimacy is expected, but not mandatory.  If you are not in the mood, just say "I want to take things slow," and you can postpone the bedroom to the second or third date, no questions asked.

13. If you decide not to "take things slow," you must spend the night.  If you get dressed and go home when the bedroom activities are over, the evening has become a hook-up, not a date.

14. And bring condoms, in case he doesn't have any of his own.

15. Serial dating is frowned upon in gay communities: if the first date was satisfactory, then you date only that person until the relationship ends or becomes a friendship.  Therefore, you should call or email him within 24 hours, either to plan your next date or to explain that you are no longer interested.

See also: 15 Rules of Gay Cruising.