"Murder is a Drag": Jonathan and Jennifer Don't Solve a Murder, Max Does "Some Like It Hot"

 

As promised, here is my review of Hart to Hart, the 1980s whodunit that just dropped on Amazon.  Decider promsed me bare chests, 1980s glitz, ridiculous plots, and lots of gay double-entendres.  I choose Season 2, Episode 9, "Murder is a Drag," because it's probably about a murder at a drag club.

Scene 1: Jonathan ("he's quite a guy") and Jennifer ("she's gorgeous") are getting ready for the opera, one of those lifelong passions that people have on tv for one episode, never to be mentioned again.  No hairy chest yet!  Jonathan hates opera, and tries to lure her into bed so they'll miss it, but no dice.  Then he tries "I have nothing to wear!", but she demonstrates his 350 suits.  

Scene 2: An endless line of elegantly dressed male-female couples heading into the thteater.  Jonathan has lost the tickets!  They rush to buy replacements, but it's sold out.  Well, maybe someone has some extras.  

At that moment a thief picks a man's pocket and finds some money and two tickets.  Jonathan thinks he's a scalper and buys them for $100.  

Scene 3:  Pan of the audience. Suddenly the man sitting next to Jonathan offers him "The first $100,000 now. Call this number on Friday for instructions."  Then he falls over, stabbed in the back.  A murder!  Must be Tuesday!

Scene 4: The theater has been cleared.  Jonathan, under arrest for murder, is being interrogated.  I guess they couldn't afford a police station set. "I'm no murderer.  I'm Jonathan Hart, self-made millionaire, quite a guy."  The cop is not impressed.  Then their police confidant, Lt. Kirkwood (Jim McMullen), shows up to spring them. 

Kirkson explained: you got the seats of a hit man who was hired to assassinate an important person (we don't know who).  Harry Carney, a man connected with the scheme, tipped us off, and was murdered for it. Wait -- why would they murder him at the opera, in the seat next to the hit man? Wouldn't that blow his cover?    

At the police station, they discuss the case further. Jonathan: "This whole night has been a disaster.  First I can't find anything to wear to the opera, and now a murder.."  I thought you'd be pleased ("their hobby is murder").  "And they'll be expecting me to make a hit."  "Make the call on Friday, and we'll trace it and find the baddies."

Scene 6:  Baddie Mr. Six, dressed in a silk bathrobe, playing solitaire.  His assistant informs him that the hit man has received his payment.  He'll call on Friday for the details, then kill the "courageeous district attorney," and you can continue with your drug business.  

1. If there's enough evidence to indict, why would killing the d.a. change anything?  2. Why not just tell the hit man who to kill, without all the weird complications?  This is ridiculous.

 Then the real hit man, McGarity (James Luisi), shows up, blustering about the mixup.  "So I'll do the original hit, plus take care of the guy who got my seat.  On Friday we'll trace his call and find him and kill him."

Scene 7:  Jonathan at work.  Not a very elegant office -- where's the panoramic view of L.A.?   Detective Kirkson drops by for the call. Hit man McGarity: "You're invited to a costume party tomorrow night.  Your target will be there.  You'll be told who it is at the time."  Why not just tell him now?  

Turns out that the trace worked for the baddies -- they know that it's Jonathan Hart -- but not for the cops.  

Scene 8: Out in the parking lot, Detective Kirkson took Jonathan's assigned parking space.  He offers to move his car -- and boom!  It's only been a few minutes.  How did the baddies have time to plant a car bomb?

 Scene 9:  The butler Max ("I take care of them") is serving breakfast.  There are three settings -- he ate with the bosses!  How egalitarian!  But now he vanishes.  Jonathan and Jennifer discuss all of the bigwigs who will be attending the costume party tonight.  As a L.A. bigwig, wouldn't Jonathan have been invited anyway? 

Scene 10:  The Harts check out the mansion where the party will be held.  At the same moment, two new cops arrive ,on order to protect them:  Sgt. Ewell and Sgt. Tate (Norm from Cheers!)  How did the cops know that they were going to the mansion?  If they were tailing the Harts, they would certainly notice, right?

Inside, the hostess provides them with the party guest list.  Not much help, there are 500 names on it (not the Harts?  these people aren't as fancy as they think. She gives them the names of several guests with enemies who might want them dead.

Uh-oh, the Big Bad Mr. Six and his assistant are working as caterers.  Wait -- why would they infiltrate the party?  They hired a hit man to do it.  

Scene 11:  Time for the party.  The Harts are dressed as Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara.  Max wants to go, too, but Jonathan says no, too dangerous.  He leaves.  Suddenly the Big Bad's assistant arrives to take Mrs. Hart hostage and force Jonathan to do the job.  Wait -- the real hit man said he would do the job, and then kill Jonathan. Why force a random stranger to do it?  He wouldn't  have the skill set. This doesn't make sense.

Max returns to find the Harts missing.  Deducing that something is wrong, he heads to the party. 

Scene 12:  Assistant takes Mrs. Hart to a very roomy, well-lit caterer van and compliments her gorgeousness.  She counters that "she is one lady who knows how to take care of herself," but not to worry, he's just going to tie her up.  But after Jonathan is killed and she's a widow, maybe....  So he only rapes single women?

Inside the party: a very small room, 15 or so heterosexual couples in ridiculous costumes disco-dancing.  The cops have come as Laurel and Hardy. Where's the vsst ballroom with 500 people? 

Scene 13: Max isn't allowed into the party -- no costume.  So he sneaks into the service entrance -- unguarded -- and up the stairs to a bedroom, looking for a bedsheet to become Julius Caesar.  He has to hide in the walk-in closet when Batman and Wonder Woman come in for sex.  Batman: "It's ok. Robin and I are separated."  He means a female Robin, no doubt, but it's still a gay reference.

Next option: the closet contains dresses, a wig, and and a makeup table, so Max dresses in drag.  He exits, past the kissing couple.  "Where did you come from?" Wonder Woman shrieks. "I came out of the closet."  Har-har.

Meanwhile,the real hit man/bartender drugs the cops' drinks. Another cronie, dressed as Red Riding Hood, asks Jonathan to dance so she can hand him the gun and tell him that the target is the District Attorney.  Why not just tell him...oh, never mind.  This is ridiculous.

In order to talk to Max, Jonathan asks him to dance.  "I do this every night," Max says.  "You lead."  So Max dances with men a lot?  Or is he joking?

The Tin Foil king does a Some Like It Hot, importuning Max with plaints of love.  "She's not who you thnk she is," Jonathan warns.  "What woman is?"

Scene 14: At 10:00 pm, Jonathan pretends to shoot the Courageous District Attorney.  Then Hit Man shoots at him and misses (very inept hit man, innit?).  Everyone runs out in a panic. Presumably more cops are on hand to arrest the hit man and the Big Bad.  Jonathan and Max rush to rescue Jennifer, but she has already freed herself.

The Tin Foil King follows and asks Max to dance.  He consents. The party is still going on after the shootings?  

Scene 15: After-party milk and cookies.  How wholesome!  Max comes in fuming, because the Tin Foil King was "all lovey-dovey" while drunk, but when he sobered up, he dumped Max.  "Not even cab fare home."  Wait -- Max drove to the party.  Did they go to the Tin Foil King's place for a make-out session? 

They stare, thinking that Max has come out as gay. Jonathan gives him tips on how to deal with a broken heart. But I doubt that this will ever be mentioned again.

Bare Chests: None.  

Glitz: None.  The Harts live rather modestly.  Maybe they get glitzier in later seasons.

Gay References: The whole Some Like It Hot homage.

Ridiculous Plot Holes:  Tons.

My Grade: B.

"Heartbreak High": Lots of Hookup Secrets at an Australian High School

 

Heartbreak High, another Netflix series about a girl revealing all of her classmates' secrets.  Sure, I'm game.  Maybe there will be gay characters.

Scene 1: A little girl calls her classmate's crocodile picture "shit," and gets the finger.  Amerie narrates: "Harper and I have been friends ever since." Fast-forward to their teen years, when they're watching various heterosexual couples and making nasty comments.  "That's how the incest map came about."

They drew a diagram of everybody at school who hooked up with anybody else, with a handy legend detailing blow jobs, teabaggging, and so on.  Some they had heard about, and others were just "destined," like Amerie's plan to spend eternity with the Boy of Her Dreams, Dusty.  They reasoned that this map would make them queens of the school, but it didn't work out that way.  Cut to Amerie in the nurse's office with a bloody nose. You mean not everyone was thrilled to have their secret affairs broadcast to the whole school?

Scene 2:  Eight hours earlier.  Amerie fights with her little brother, gets criticized by her mother, and storms off.   She gets picked up by two girls, and wonders where bff Harper is.  "Dunno.  Bitch wasn't in front of her house."

They sing and frolick through the town.  When a carload of boys in panama hats mock them, Amerie gets even by throwing her drink at them and yelling "Rapists!"  

Scene 3: They arrive at the high school.  Amerie gets mocked by a boy named Spider, drools over the Boy of Her Dreams, and deliberately bumps into  femme gay boy Darren (James Majoos) and his platonic life partner, Quinn.  

The incest map has been discovered; everyone rushes to look.  Pink haired girl gets yelled at by her girlfriend for scissoring someone else.  Spider's friends conclude that he's "into dudes" for hooking up with the femme gay boy, Darren, who counters "What makes you think I'm a dude?"  

Scene 4: School assembly.  Bff Harper arrives with a shaved head.  Everybody stares and comments.  Headmaster yells at them for the map: it's ruined their reputations, and the reputation of the school.  We're calling your parents, cancelling all school events, and requiring sex ed classes.  

Scene 5: Headmaster asks Amerie the details of the hookups.  "Was it all consensual?  Did the two girls who scissored use contraceptives?"  Um...I don't think they're going to get pregnant.  "Oh, and one more infraction, and you're expelled."

Scene 6: Amerie tracks down her bff Harper and asks "Why haven't you answered my texts?"  "We're not friends anymore.  Fuck off!"  Harper swings; they fight. Everyone mocks and films them.  An awful lot of mocking at this high school.  

Scene 7:  Amerie leaving the nurse's office with her bloody nose.  Everyone points and glares and whispers hateful things -- because of the map, not because of the nose.  Pink-Haired Girl yells at her: "The map is real dog, dude!"  

Scene 8: The incest map criticized Darren's bff Quinn for having a "dusty kebob."  She doesn't know what it means, so Darren tells her: "Giant flaps."  I don't get it.

Suddenly the principal calls for everyone named on the map.  The boys include Dusty (Josh Heuston, top photo),  Spider (Bryn Chapman Parish), his buddy Ant (Brody Townsend, left), femme boy Darren, Cash (Will McDonald), and new kid Malakai (Thomas Weatherall, below).  If he just arrived today, how can he be on the map?  Time for mandatory Sex Literacy Training (SLUTS).  

First exercise: everyone walk around the room and shake hands with three people.  Suppose that Spider had genital crabs, and the handshake was sex, how many of you would have them, too?  Everybody.  So just buy some RIDD at the supermarket. 

Scene 9:  Dusty wants to know why he's connected to Amerie on the map, when he doesn't remember hooking up.  Spider explains that the gold line means "destiny."  This embarrasses Amerie, who rushes off. But you're the one who drew the map.  Didn't you expect him to find out about your crush?

Scene 10:  Femme boy's bff corners Amerie in the girls' room and tries to bond with a story of her own embarrassing experience.  When that doesn't work, she wonders if Amerie is about to do a 13 Reasons Why (a Netflix series referencing a Netflix series.  How incestuous!).

Scene 11:  Sex ed teacher complaining to headmaster that the textbook is "outdated and heteronormative."  "Tough, deal with it."  

Next she tries to bond with Amerie (first mocking, now bonding): "I thought your map was beautiful.  The connections were poetic."  

Whoops, a boy upstairs mocks Amerie, so she throws a rock at him and breaks a window!  She runs away to avoid being expelled.

Scene 12:  Naked boy butt!  Darren is having sex with one of the Panama Hat boys.  Then he steals the boy's Panama costume and exits down a royal staircase, waving at the other ultra-richster boys.  

Still in Panama hat disguise, he applies for a job at a walk-up restaurant.  The disguise is necessary because there's a ban on hiring kids from Hartley High. (So how can he explain an ultra-richster Panama hat boy wanting a job?)

Home.  He -- sorry, they use they/them pronouns.  They sneak into the house, change into their regular clothes, and meet the parents in the kitchen.  Stepdad: "The boys are coming round to watch the game tonight, so could you not be here?  They won't understand the they/them business."  They argue; Mom suggests staying with Dad tonight.  Darren storms off.

Scene 13: Amerie stops by former bff Harper's house, but her Dad says she's not home.  So she goes to the beach and cries, and then goes home, where Mom is horrified by her "wagging the school."  Also, "we need to talk about sex." Abstinence until marriage? 

Switch to Harper with another family.  She helps preteen girl color a picture of Jesus.  Then the family goes around to say what they're grateful for.  Harper says something nasty.  They cross themselves.  Evangelical Christian Catholics? Or do the writers think everyone is Catholic?  

Scene 14:  Looking for a place to spend the night, Darren asks Panama Hat Boy, Jacob (Shaye Hutchins), but he refuses since they stole his clothes and his Maniki Fortune Cat.  They try their bff, but there's no answer.  The only remaining option is camping on the beach.  

Scene 15: Morning.  Amerie has cut her hair, and is comatose with depression.  Mom drags her off to a burger place, but she won't eat.  She wants to be homeschooled. 

Meanwhile, Darren washes up in a public restroom (chest shot), and goes to their job at the restaurant, where they can't believe that Cash from school is working as a delivery driver. "It's a cover for my drug dealing."  Then they see Amerie.  They offer to fix her horrible hairstyle (hoary old gay hairdresser stereotype?)

They do the deed, with Darren's bff (Quinn) tagging along, in a shopping cart on the roof, meanwhile discussing why Harper hates her now.  The friendship ended at a music festival last week, but Amerie doesn't recall anything unusual.  They all try scream therapy: "My best friend dumped me!" "I'm a reject!" "I have a lazy kebob!"

Scene 16: The cemetery, where all the high schoolers hang out at night.  The three rejects are nervous, but try to make a grand entrance.  Everyone stares menacingly except for New Kid Malakia, who offers beers and distracts the haters with a robot dance.  

Amerie got bff Quinn's "lazy kebob" characterization from Spider, so Quinn confronts him with a file folder of photos of kebobs (vaginas).  Hers is not particularly big.  "You would know that if you had ever seen one," she continues, insulting his sexual proficiency. 

Darren asks Cash why he doesn't just drop out of school, since he's 18, and he's got a good job as a drug dealer.  

Amerie and Boy of Her Dreams Dusty flirt and kiss.  Then she asks Harper what happened at the music festival to elicit her hatred, but Harper won't say: "I just want to move on.  Get out of my life." 

Scene 17: Darren heads home.  They sneak in through the window. Uh-oh, it's Stepdad, about to clobber them, thinking that they are a burglar. 

Meanwhile, the police break up the party at the cemetery.  Everyone scatters. Dustin and former bff Harper run off together.  Later, someone starts the map again, with the line "Dusty fucked Harper." Uh-oh.  The end.

Beefcake: Boy butt.

LGBT Characters: Some lesbians, a nonbinary male-presenting person who has sex with several guys.

The Big Mystery: What caused the breakup.  That's a little thin;hopefully there will be more.

My Grade: B

"Bite Sized Halloween": 3-Minute Horror Stories with Cute Guys

It's 48 days to Halloween, but the ghosts and pumpkins are already decorating houses, tv commercials involve cobwebs, and the movie/tv recommendations on streaming services are all scary.  At least I haven't seen any Santa Claus hats yet.  

The Hulu series Bite Sized Halloween consists of two seasons of 3-minute horror stories.  They are a mixed lot. 

 Some give away the plot instantly:

An obnoxious airplane passenger (David Banks) refuses to give up his seat, so he must be forcibly ejected...

Some have (very short) Twilight Zone-style twists:

An office worker  (Casey Feigh) refuses to hold the elevator door open for an old lady, who....

Some feel lik the beginning of a regular-sized movie, and end at a frustrating point:

A man (Aaron Thomas Ward) searching for his brother investigates an old house, where there is a doorway to a parallel world....

LGBTQ representation is also a mixed bag.

8 of the 28 first-season episodes specifically involve heterosexual romance, and 6 involve parents and children.  None mention same-sex couples or LGBTQ people.

The second season is a bit more inclusive.  4 of 18 episodes involve heterosexual romance, 2 involve parents and children, and 3 mention LGBTQ persons:

Nonbinary: "The New Nanny."  An actual witch, complete with black hat, becomes the nanny to a boy who likes to wear dresses (not really nonbinary, just into drag).  He wears his pretty princess dress to the park (to play soccer?  Buy him a skirt!).  A bully starts mocking him, whereupon the witch-nanny..... 

Bisexual: "Unicorn": A bisexual man wants to become a unicorn (a regular sex partner) for a male-female couple.  He appears at their apartment with flowers, which strikes me as odd for a sex partner, and just makes out with the woman.  Turns out that they have nefarious intent.  (A rare 13-minute long episode).

Lesbian: "Freebirth": A lesbian couple go into the woods for a "natural" childbirth.  Things go wrong, but fortunately a heterosexual couple...

Three episodes out of 46 is about 6%.  Better than 0%, but one wonders what happened to the gay men.  At least the guys are cute. 

Kalevipoeg: Gay Epic Hero of Estonia

When I was visiting Estonia in the summer of 1998, I couldn't go anywhere without hearing about Kalevipoeg.  There were a dozen public statues of him, a naked, muscular god carrying small people.

There was a Kalevipoeg Sculpture Park in Tallinn.

There was a Kalevipoeg Museum near Kaapa, which became a full Theme Park in 2007.

There was a chain of Kalev Chocolate Shops.

Teenagers were filming adaptions of his adventures for  school projects.

Museums were crowded with sculptures, murals, and paintings, often emphasizing the god's superheroic endowment.
Bookstores were teeming with books that praise Kalevipoeg as "James Bond and Chuck Norris put together."

So who is this guy?

He's the son of the god Kalev in The Kalevipoeg,  the Estonian national epic, culled from ancient myths by Friedrich Kreutzwald and published in 1853.

The youngest of  Kalev's children, but the biggest, strongest, and most resourceful, Kalevipoeg has many adventures.  He:
1. Swims to Finland to rescue his mother from an evil wizard
2. Gets a cursed sword from the Finish god Ilmarin.
3. Wins the throne of Estonia in a stone-throwing contest.


From then on, his companion is Alevipoeg, with whom he:
4. Fights a water demon and a sorcerer.
5. Travels to Porgu (Hell) twice.
6. Seeks out the edge of the world.
7. Fights an apocalyptic battle with the demon Sarvik and his army.

When Alevipoeg is killed, Kalevipoeg is so grief-stricken that he gives up his kingdom and becomes a hermit.  When he dies, he goes to Heaven, but is deemed so valuable that he is tied to the gates of Porgu to keep the world safe.

Kreutzwald was inspired by the Finnish Kalevala, also compiled from ancient myths, and set to verse by Elias Lönnrot in 1849.

But there's a big difference: the Kalevala is all about the quest after the Eternal Feminine, the gods Ilmarin, Väinämöinen, and Lemminkäinen searching for wives.

But except for one short maiden-seduction early on (which, admittedly, gets a lot of attention), Kalevipoeg is oblivious to women.  When he rescues three maidens from Porgu, he busily tries to find them husbands, never attempting to seduce them himself.

He is all about masculine buddy-bonding, first with his brothers, and then with Alevipoeg.


A gay epic hero?


In addition to the many literary and artistic adaptations of The Kalevipoeg, there's been a ballet featuring the Kalevipoeg Suite, by Eugen Kapp, and a stage play, a "Cool Epic" starring Tanel Saar, that has toured Europe and the U.S.

See also: Kristjan Raud: Mesmerized by Male Beauty and Yuri and I Cruise in Estonia.