Feb 3, 2024

"The Summer I Turned Pretty," Season 2: As God is my witness, I heard Spike say he was dating a boy


I reviewed The Summer I Turned Pretty last summer, and said it had a lot of gay potential.  The second season just dropped on Amazon Prime, so I'll see if any of that potential was realized.  The premise: a poor girl (actually upper-upper middle classt and her famous-writer mother spend the summer with Mom's ultra-rich ex-girlfriend and her two hot teenage sons, both of whom are in love with her.  

Season One Recap: Not promising.  I lost track of the number of boy-girl smooches.  It looks like both brothers and a third guy are in love with her.  For a girl named "Belly," she gets a lot of action. The only other plot point appears to be either Mom or her ex-girlfriend dying of cancer.  

Scene 1
: It's the second summer that Belly's been pretty.  She lounges by the pool, the two brothers.  Psych!  It was a daydream!  She's actually in class, she's broken up with Conrad, and the lady with cancer has died.  "Escaping to your dreams is easier than living with your memories," she muses. But not to worry, Corey (Louis Tomeo, left), the hot guy who sits in front of her picked this moment to flirt. Except we never see him again.  He's just there to signify that everyone is intensely attracted to Belly.

Switch to Belly smooching with Conrad (Christopher Briney, top photo), the first of the brothers  "This almost doesn't seem real."  Psych!  This one isn't a dream -- it's a memory from last summer.  

The memory continues:  Conrad tells her how much he loves her, Belly drops a bombshell: "Your brother and I have been dating, too.  He's got a bigger cock than you, but you are better looking.  I don't know which to choose."  Ok, I may have edited the dialogue slightly. 

Conrad talks her into breaking up with Cock Boy.  They sneak into the house and talk to Cancer Mom, who is delighted to see that her son is heterosexual.  They grin and giggle for a long time, enjoying their shared heterosexual privilege. 

Scene 2:
Back in the present, the teacher dismisses the class for the summer.  Despondent, Belly starts unloading her locker.  A clump of girls tries to talk  her into volleyball camp, and Steven (Sean Kaufman, left) whoops and hollers about going to Princeton in the fall.  He just found out now?  

His friend, a long-haired boy named Spike (Colby Burton),  rushes up, exuberant about the upcoming graduation party: "I'm dating the singer."  One of the girls complains that his boyfriend is a  "Machine Gun Kelly wannabe." 

Since when do 1930s gangsters sing?  Oh, he's actually an alternative rock/hip hop singer. So unless I misunderstood the dialogue, Spike is dating a boy.

Next Belly's counselor tells her that  her grades took a nosedive, and she dropped out of volleyball, so her chances of getting into a good college are nil.  That's not true.  I got a D in chemistry and still got into a...um...college.  "Have you thought of Finch Blockhead Academy?  They let in anyone with money."

More Cock Boy after the break

Flashback to last summer, with Belly trying to break it off with the second brother, Cock Boy (Gavin Casalegno): "Look, you have a really big cock, but I need someone who will look good on my arm at receptions and benefits." He responds badly.

Scene 3: Back to high school.  Steven, the guy whose buddy is dating a guy,  comes downstairs. Mom is looking dourly at a photo of her dead girlfriend, so I guess she's his mother, and  he's Belly's brother?  

Mom brings out a basket of graduation presents, including one from the dead girlfriend -- I guess she bought it awhile back.  Her two sons won't be coming to the party -- "they were...um...busy."

Flashback to last summer, with Belly upset that second brother, Cock Boy, whom she dumped, hates both her and Conrad now.  With their mother dying, the boys should be sticking together.  So she dumps Conrad.  Wait -- you dumped them both?  Now they'll hate you and each other.  That won't help their dying mom!

Scene 4: Steven, Belly's brother whose friend is dating a guy, giving his valedictory speech, which is oddly about how to handle a breakup: "Sometimes a girl dumps you after an awesome summer, and it sucks."  His friend is gay, so I thought he was gay, too.  Guess not..  I predict we never see the gay friend again. 

"We think we are in control, but things just happen, and we have no control, and life sucks.  But you can make what you want happen."  Dude, you're contradicting yourself.   Lengthy standing ovation.

After the graduation, they all gather in the courtyard and discuss his speech. Belly: "It pierced my soul."  That's because it was specific to your situation.

They discuss Milo, the "Machine Gun Kelly Wannabe" who will be singing tonight.  A girl has to go over to help him "decided on a look," which is what a female bff would do to an old-school femme gay guy.

 Steven complains that the Machine Gun Kelly Wannabe smells bad. The girl explains: "My man doesn't have the Korean gene that makes you have no body odor."  I thought he was dating Spike.  He said "I'm dating the singer."  Now this girl is dating him?  But she's the one who criticized him as a "Machine Gun Kelly wannabe."

Scene 5: Post-graduation lunch.  But I'm fast-forwarding to that party, to see if Spike is dating Milo Machine Gun Kelly and Spike are gay.

Scene 6: Belly and her friend discuss fashion and other frilly lacy things. Conrad, who she dumped last summer, calls to tell her about college life.  Hasn't he been there for like nine months? "It's great, except for the constant agony of losing you that gnaws away at my very being.  My chemistry class is fun."

Scene 7:
The Party.  Lots of boy girl couples dancing and drinking.  Belly and her brother Steven, attend together, both despondent over lost loves from nine months ago.  

Milo, the Machine Gun Kelly Wannabe (Will Spencer)  is talking to a girl and two guys, not previously introduced. Belly's female friend rushes up to Milo.  They hug, kiss, and hump.  Well, now we know.  Maybe Spike was talking about another singer. 

Belly's brother Steven looks on despondently.  Maybe he was dating the friend before she dumped him for the Wananbe.

Spike appears and asks Belly's brother: "Where are all the hot girls I was promised?"

He's straight, too?  I'm out.

My grade: As God is my witness, I heard Spike saying that he was dating "the singer," who turns out to be Milo, whom Belly's friend criticizes as a "wannabe."   This is all heterosexuals all the time.  F---

See also: The Summer I Turned Pretty: Glittery, Marshmallowy Teen Romcom with a Lot of Gay Potential

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