Happiest Season, on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas." The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.
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But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, pansexual Patrick of Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.
Opening: They're a lesbian couple! The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together. They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."
Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane. A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment." A pedophilia joke? The ladies are taking the tour. The brunette asks the blonde, if she hates it. No, but she's just not a Christmas person.
The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper. Somebody goofed -- Harper absolutely has to be the rich one. It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie.
Blondie doesn't like Christmas? A major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat! Girlfriend argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Abby stands firm.
Next Brunette drags her to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights. "Now you love it, right?" Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.
They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them. They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away. The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.
Brunette has an idea: she asks Blondie to come to her parents' house for the holidays. Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas. She agrees. They kiss for like five minutes.
What happened to Herb Flack and Otis? You can't name characters and then have them not appear. We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.
Scene 2: The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh. Blondie works as a pet sitter? Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk." Uh-oh.
Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions. Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas with the ladies and the parents. I thought he was Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.
John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.
Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends. This will become important later.
In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her. John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?
Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.
Scene 3: Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness. You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?
Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying. They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate." So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a boy in 15 years, and you're living with a woman. Girl, they know.
And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner. Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.
Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect.
When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart. But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:
Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together. The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."
Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.
Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret.
Pop Quiz: What happens next?
1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.
2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.
3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner
4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.
5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.
Answers after the break.
1. False. Brunette comes out to the ex-boyfriend, but she is not into guys.
2. True: John supports staying in the closet. He relates how, when he came out, his father kicked him out of the house and wouldn't speak to him for 14 years. It's not always easy, even in the 2010s.
3. True: John gets a girlfriend. He starts off a standard romcom gay best friend, deeply invested in Blondie's romantic life, with none of his own except for an occasional allusion to hot guys. When he comes to "rescue" Blondie, he cruises the ex-boyfriend, but on Christmas morning, he's cuddling with the third sister, the aspiring fantasy writer. A literary agent, he helps her get the book published, goes to her book signing, and a year later is cuddling with her at a showing of It's a Wonderful Life. Apparently dude is pansexual, like Dan Levy, but ten to one viewers will assume that he turned straight.
John is standing next to the scary-looking woman in the icon, but that's a misdirection. She's actually Brunette's scheming ex-girlfriend.
4. True: Two drag queens lead a Christmas singalong at the Oxwood Bar. There are probably some gay patrons.
Dominique Allan Lawson, right, plays an assistant. He is gay in real life, and gives off some gay vibes here, but nothing comes of it.
Dominique received a BFA in musical theater from the University of Central Florida in 2014. Here he plays a cannibal with painted-on abs.
5. False: When Brunette comes out, it's a 1990s storming-out-of-the-room "I blame myself" debacle. Also a knocked-over Christmas tree and some random present destruction. But Mom and Dad have a heart to heart: "Maybe our idea of perfect is wrong." By Christmas morning, they're inviting girlfriend to be in the family photo, and next summer they're marching in the Pride parade.
My Grade: It's a lesbian couple, and they mention heteronormativity, but there's no beefcake, and the gay guy turns straight, so B.
Bonus: Jake McDorman n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
I don't want to pretend that we're just coworkers, starring Bert and Ernie, Patrick and David, and Kelvin and Keefe. With Dan Levy as David.
The naked press bro on the bus with "The Girls on the Bus"
Christmas on Cherry Lane: Three families, including a gay couple and a big plot twist
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