Mar 1, 2024

Scream Queens: Glen Powell and John Stamos compare dicks at a sinister hospital. And there's a serial killer. And some butts


I was recommended Glen Powell's shower scene in Episode 2.2 of the horror-comedy Scream Queens.  I watched ten minutes of the first episode when it premiered in 2015, and turned it off, but for a shower-scnee, why not give it another chance?

Link to NSFW version

The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.  

Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it..  Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that  thecop  is an idiot.

The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her."  Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke.   And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, top photo, John Stamos).

Scene 2:
 The Sleazoid Doctors and Chanels are interviewing Tyler, played by Colton Haynes, who is covered with large orange tumors, actually not disgusting.  So the Chanels have graduated with nursing degrees, and all gone to work at the Institute, and the headmistress became their boss?  That's not at all unlikely.   

His  regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that  they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser.  Except they're too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.

Scene 3
: A non-Chanel nurse and Chamberlain, played by James Earl, wonder why, if Evil Dr. Munsch was upstairs during the murders, she didn't hear the screams and growling?  She must be in on it.

Last season, she was in charge of a college, and did some crazy shenanigans, but the Chanels foiled her scheme.  Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster  to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications?  All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves.  He loves the idea!  

Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot!  She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser. 

More screaming after the break

Scene 5: The Head Chanel, on night duty,  is accosted by someone dressed as the Red Devil, the serial killer from last season..  But he doesn't kill her -- he takes off his mask, laughing hysterically.  It's Ex-Boyfriend Chad (Glen Powell).   He wants her back, but he's technically there to admit his good buddy Randall (Kevin Bigley, left). They were on their annual quail hunting trip, when suddenly he started screaming.

Sleazoid Doctor diagnoses him with the Jumping Frenchman of Maine disease.

Ex-Boyfriend notices that the Head Chanel is dating Sleazoid Doctor now.  They criticize each others' testicles.

Scene 6: Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel post a Go Fund Me video to raise money to turn him hot again.  The other Chanels point out that after turning hot, he won't want her -- unless she proves that she loves him by dating him in his current state.

Scene 7: Meanwhile, Non-Chanel and Chamberlain wonder why most of the hospital records have been wiped by  a "reputation cleansing" company.  They go down to the archives to look at old newspapers on microfiche -- On Halloween 1986, everyone in the hospital was murdered!   

Flashback to the Halloween party. A Hunky Doctor dressed as a rocket, played by 1990s mega-hunk Jerry O'Connell, announces that he's going to have sex with a nurse dressed as Uranus. Suddenly someone dressed as a Green Monster starts slashing everyone. 

Back in the present, Non-Chanel and Chamberlain are accosted by the Drunken Head Nurse, played by Kirstie Allie.  She wants them to provide the daily routines of the Chanels, so she can make up the duty roster: a difficult task, since they're idiots with no medical training.

Scene 8. 
 Sleazoid Doctor in the shower. He hears Ex-Boyfriend in the next stall, and points out that these showers are for hospital staff only.  Ex-Boyfriend bursts into his stall, displays his penis -- not to the viewer -- and scoffs that Sleazoid Doctor must be intimidated by the "last climber to summit Mount Chanel."

Sleazoid Doctor counters that regardless of his penis size, he's a brilliant doctor, which makes him more dateable than the merely handsome and well-hung Ex-Boyfriend,

Ex-Boyfriend: "Did you call me handsome? Cause given the circumstances, it's a little weird."  A little homophobic, buddy.   He climbs into the shower, facing Sleazoid Doctor, and scoffs at his diagnosis of his Good Buddy: "You got lucky."

Sleazoid Doctor leaves.  Ex-Boyfriend: "Before this gets even more homoerotic...."  Doctor: "I don't think that's possible."  Of course it's possible.  You guys could act like you're attracted to each other.  

Ex-Boyfriend confronts him again, and suggests a squash game at the YMCA.  Winner gets to date Head Chanel.  Shouldn't she get a vote?  

"Ok, I'm in."  They shake hands; Ex-Boyfriend pulls him close to taunt him, but "I think our wieners just touched."  At least he's just mildly embarrassed, not recoiling in homophobic horror.

And I'm out of space

 The shower scene doesn't show much, but at least the guys are cute. 

Gay Characters: In the first season, Ex-Boyfriend had a gay buddy who was killed. Nothing here.

Gay Subtext: The shower scene is about guys posturing and insulting each other's dicks to avoid the homoeroticism.

Mystery: We know who the killer is from the first episode.  The only mystery is Dr. Munsch's end game.

Humor:  Not much.  A few jokes.

My Grade: B-

Lots of bulges and butts on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

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