"Pan": Transphobic Prequel to the "Peter Pan" Mythos

Last night for Movie Night we saw Pan (2015), a rehash of the Peter Pan mythos in which Peter and Captain Hook are friends.  It was...not good.

We begin with the interminable adventures of 12-year old Peter (Levi Miller, left, recent photo)  and his bff Nibs (Lewis MacDougall), residents of a horribly chched Victorian orphanage in London during the World War II blitz.  All of the evil, abusive nuns have masculine names -- director Joe Wright really dislikes androgyny. 

Peter and Nibs wonder why boys keep disappearing in the middle of the night -- turns out that pirates are dropping through the roof and abducting them, with no one noticing their screams.  One night they get Peter and the other boys, but Nibs escapes: "Friends forever!" Peter calls.  So the movie will end with the now grown-up Nibs adopting Peter?

The pirate ship flies through space to what is apparently a gas giant planet, with bubbles of water and air containing Earth-style habitats: an intriguing feature that is never developed.  One of the habitats contains Neverland, where Blackbeard -- yes, the real-life pirate who died in 1716 -- channels Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and leads the  kidnapped orphans in Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  Where are Joel and the bots when you need them?

He and his crew of evil drag queens -- director Joe Wright really, really hates androgyny -- have kidnapped thousands of orphans from all over the world and various historic eras to work in his mines. Why orphans?   They're mining for fairy dust, or pixum, because Blackbeard needs it to continue to stay alive.

Peter meets an adult orphan, Hook (Garrett Hedlund, channeling Han Solo but dressed as Indiana Jones).  He's been working in the mines "forever."  Different historic eras -- could Hook be the adult Nibs?

They escape with the help of Sam Smiegal, aka Smee, a devious, sneaky, underhanded South Asian stereotype named after Gollum in the Lord of the Rings, and head into Neverland, where Peter will fulfill an "ancient prophecy": the Chosen One, a boy who can fly, will kill Blackbeard and liberate the fairies. Just how long has Blackbeard been mining in Neverland?

But first they have to stop in a Native village and meet Tiger Lily, their white leader (Rooney Mara channeling Princess Leia).  Hook drools and pants, while Tiger Lily calls him "arrogant" (that is, sexy).  All three escape together, so they can meet a giant crocodile (foreshadowing) and some mermaids (more panting and drooling).  And on to Tinkerbell.

More boring, nonsensical stuff happens, mostly about Peter struggling to embrace his Chosen One destiny and determining that his mother is dead (although she narrates the first scene). 

 

I'm still trying to figure out why Blackbeard the Pirate from the 17th century is singing a Nirvana song from the 1990s with some orphans abducted from 1943.    Later he sings "Blitzkreig Bop," from 1976, which has nothing to do with the Blitzkreig of World War II.

We end up with Hook, Tiger Lily, and Peter flying back to London to pick up Nibs and returning to Neverland.  Peter and Nibs hold hands and yell "Friends forever," so there's some gay subtext amid all of Hook's drooling and panting.  But not enough for this movie to be worthwhile.

Left: Nonso Anosie, one of the non-drag queen pirates.