Link to the nude photos
And no cock shots at all, unless you count the one in the bonus photos, below. So we'll have to make do with a fully clothed Skyler.
The premise: Suburban housewife Sheila has become a zombie. She's fully sentient, but she lacks impulse control, is unusually horny, and has to eat human flesh. While looking for a cure, her annoyingly amoral family helps her find victims. Skyler plays the guy who knows their secret, next-door neighbor Eric, who happens to be an expert on zombies.
I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "The Book," because it involves the search for a medieval Serbian manuscript, and who wouldn't be interested in that?
Scene 1: While Zombie Sheila bags up human meat for later, Husband Joel (Timothy Olyphant, left) has had a breakthrough: Anton, who owns the Medieval Serbian book that mentions a zombie cure, has finally responded to his emails and texts. He can meet them at a paranormal conference in Oxnard today.
But then a cop appears with daughter Abby, who was arrested for runing a stop sign in a motorcycle with no plates or VIN number, wearing a jacket saying "Pussy Magnet." Hey, the "Pussy Magnet" is legal. The girl likes what she likes.
Abby is obviously in psychological pain from dealing with the zombie situation, so Sheila will spend the day with her. Husband Joel can go to the paranormal conference with ally Eric.
I'll review the two plotlines separately.
Mother-Daughter BondingScene 1: Zombie Sheila and Abby return the motorcycle of a guy she killed to his brother, Lonnie (Alex Scuby), who runs a chop shop out of a storage locker. He took Abby's money but didn't fix her bike, so she wants her money back. Wait, I thoiugh it belonged to the dead guy? Were there two bikes?
Lonnie tells them that his brother was a "stupid fucking idiot" who ripped people off, so they're out of luck. He closes the garage-door and won't let them in. He's not responsbile for his brother's debts, ladies.
Left: Alex Scuby has appeared in a porno about two older-younger gay couples who swap partners.
Scene 2: In their storage locker, which is the size of a small apartment, Sheila and Daughter Abby look for something to use to get the money back from Lonnie. There's teargas that Abby stole from Eric's stepfather before Dad killed him, but Sheila wants to teach Abby a life-lesson and use a non-violent solution: how about Raffi, that annoyingly repetitive kids' singer? What makes you think Lonnie is still in there?
Scene 3: Hours of playing and singing along to Raffi later, they give up, but Lonnie yells from inside "Turn Raffi back on!" They decide to tear gas him instead, but when they drop the tear gas canister down the vent, it hits the wrong storage locker! Two innocent guys rush out.
Scene 4: Abby wants to know why Mom Sheila is so dead-set, so to speak, on teaching her life lessons. She explains that she is slowly decomposing, so she won't be around much longer, and has to make sure Abby will be ok. Aww.
The Paranormal Conference
Scene 1: When Dad Joel arrives to pick up Eric, his mom announces "You have a gentleman caller." Gay joke, har har. Embarrassed, Eric tells her to not make everything sexual.
He asks for advice on how to pack a hoodie, and claims to be upset over Joel murdering his stepfather with a shovel, but he's joking: the guy was an asshole. Is this casual attitude toward murder supposed to be humorous?
Scene 2: At the conference, Eric buys a churro-saber, but it's too long to be phallic.
When Joel is rejected by the first person he talks to, Eric explains: these are all introverts with low self-esteem, and he scares them away by being too aggressive and too handsome: "with those piercing eyes and perfect posture." So you think he's hot, Eric?
Scene 3: They find Anton, Derek Waters, talking to a crowd about government conspiracies: During the 1950s, they exploded thousands of nukes over Bikini Atoll in the South Pacific. In 2012, a man in Florida eats another man's face. Coincidence? "If you believe that, I've got a Japanese sex doll to sell you. Unused." Because he gets so many partners that he doesn't need it?
Nerd Ryan, Ravi Patel, asks about an outbreak of the undead in 19th century Poland. Yep: Rybik, 1870. Three priests walk into a tavern, and get eaten.
Joel asks about the Medieval Serbian book. Yep, Pozica, 16th Century.
More after the break.
The village doesn't exist, but they made a mock-up of the book for the show. I got the image from Brandon W. Hawk, a professor of Medieval Studies who writes about the Apocrypha and Star Wars.
"Can I see the book?" Joel asks.
"No, I don't know you, and I don't take it out in public." Penis joke, har har. He has a digitized version with 10 gigs of documentation on a thumb drive that he wears around his neck, but Joel can't see that, either, as he is obviously a government plant: "Nice try blending in, you thick-haired, handsome son of a bitch." You think Joel is hot, Anton baby?
Scene 4: Joel needs that book, and is willing to kill Anton to get it, but he didn't bring a shovel.
Nerd Ryan approaches Eric, wanting to talk about the undead subject he's been posting about on the zombie subreddit. Uh-oh, Eric outed zombie Sheila! Joel is outraged! Was he posting to try to help the family, or "were you trying to win some nerd popularity contest?"
Scene 5: Joel approaches Anton at the urinal, tells him to stop urinating, and manhandles the thumb drive from him. Anton: "It's empty. I don't have the book. I made it up to give the people something to believe in." The government isn't even after him: he made it up to give his story credibility.
Suddenly Nerd Ryan emerges from a toilet stall. He works for the government as a necrobiologist, and he knows a woman who can lead Joel to the book! So, another fraud? He knows the details of Sheila's condition, so he must be legit.
Scene 6: Eric apologizes to Joel for talking about Sheila on his subreddit just to impress paranormal nerds. He explains that in his everyday life, he's invisible, but in the subculture he's important, someone people listen to. One expects Joel and Eric to hug at this point, but instead Joel helps him out by pretending to be a government agent who has tracked him down: "You're under arrested for knowing more than any one man has a right to!" The paranormal nerds gaze in awe.
Scene 7: Night. Joel goes home and talks to Sheila about a new clue to a cure. They kiss.
We cut to a woman removing a rat's heart. It is still alive afterwards. Nerd Ryan calls to tell her about Sheila's case. The end.
Beefcake: None
Gay Characters: I thought Abby was gay with the "Pussy Magnet," but she's straight, although played by the queer and non-binary Liv Hewson.
Eric displays no heterosexual interest in this episode, but he'll be dating Abby later.
Gay Subtexts: Everybody finds Joel handsome, but they may be intimidated more than attracted. Joel and Eric have the beginning of a gay-subtext relationship, but there is no physical contact, and no one besides Eric's mom treats them as a couple.
My Grade: Witty dialogue, no blood, but I dislike the casual amorality, and it's rather disconcerting to find so many gay references in a world where gay people do not exist. C.
Bonus: Potential Skyler, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. It would be from around 2013, when he was 18-19 and playing one of Peter Pan's Lost Boys in Once Upon a Time, below. But I'm not sure that the conservative Jewish guy would be posting selfies.
See also:
The Santa Clarita Diet, Episode 1.1: Witty dialogue, zombies, bare butts, and Skyler Gisond
Balkan Beefcake: 12 Serbian studs, hung Herzegovians, and Croatian cocks
Gemstones Episode 3.3: A fire dance, a phallic sword, and a Balkan sex god
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