Nicholas Hamilton: From depressed Outback teen to curious superhero, a gay actor into cocktails and girls

Link to the n*de photos.

 The n*de celebrity subreddit posted some photos of actor Nicholas Hamilton. 

Never heard of him, but according to Wikipedia,  he is gay, and came out at age 18.  So researching this guy will be easy: I just need to answer the third question in my profile: has he played any gay characters?

But doubtless someone who has been out since he started in show business will choose only gay roles.  Why would he want to play a straight character?

More bio: Nic was born in 2000 and grew up in Alstonville, New South Wales about 2 1/2 hours south of Brisbane.  His first acting role was Elvis Presley in a grade school play.  He decided on an acting career after his uncle died of cancer in 2011. 

His on-screen career begins with an episode of the Australian teencom The Mako Mermaids (2013) and a lot of shorts:

Time (2013): A boy is bullied due to his belief in time travel.

The Streak (2013): In spite of the misleading title, not about streaking, about a man who wants to honor the memory of his dead father by ending his evil uncle's "cricket streak."  So I guess Uncle always beat Dad at the game of cricket?

Jackrabbit (2013): A boy in the Outback has an abusive father.

There are lots more, but I'm fast-forwarding to Nic's full-length movies:

Strangerland (2015): a teenager (Nic) and his sister disappear in the Outback.  So, like Picnic at Hanging Rock?  

"There is a stillness in the air, and I'm in it. There are no sounds, no whispers, no shadows, no darkness. And just for a moment, there is no 'you', no 'me'. And I'm not lost."

Sounds like he's into his sister. 

Captain Fantastic (2016): in spite of the misleading title, it's not about superheroes, it's about a family living off the grid because they want to be critical thinkers or something.  Nic plays one of the children.

It (2017) and It: Chapter 2 (2019): Nic plays Henry Bowers, a sadistic bully who torments the Losers Club.  Turns out that he's the puppet of the transdimensional being known as It.  In the original novel, he's bisexual, doing things with a girl and a boy; but this does not occur in the movie.

In 2018, Nic graduate from high school and came out. Now we'll see the gay roles, right?

Endless (2020): High school graduates are separated by a tragic accident, one goes to limbo, and the other finds a way for them to get together again.  So, Orpheus and Eurydice?   It's heterosexual high schoolers played by Nic and a girl. 

In spite of the misleading title, the tv series Action Royale is not a spy spoof: A teen (Nic) starts an underground e-sports ring to pay off his father's gambling debts. He gets a girlfriend.

Brave the Dark (2023): High schooler Nate (Nic) is "engulfed by darkness" due to "traumatic childhood memories."  He's taken in by his drama teacher in 1973 and 1986.  None of the reviews mention gay characters.

Three movies, all straight?  Let's hope you do a better job of LGBT representation in your tv shows, buddy.

A 2020 episode of Love, Victor, about a gay guy trying to come out. Rahim (Anthony Keyvan) makes a date with Charlie (Nic) on a gay app, but when they meet in person, the dude rejects him for being too feminine. 

8 episodes of The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh (2024): An FBI agent is trying to deport the Indian-American family next door.  Then his son (Nic) falls in love with their daughter in a Romeo-and-Juliet thing. 

5 episodes of Gen V (2023-25), an Amazon Prime series about a superhero academy.  Maveric (Nic), who can turn invisible, is dating a girl who can turn into an alpaca (he's into it).  He admits to peeking at both men and women in the shower while invisible, but that's more curiosity than expression of bi interest. Dude is definitely hetero-romantic.

One episode as gay, 14 as straight or straight-ish.  7% is not a great record.

More after the break

The 7 Most Horrible DMVs

The DMV is the Department of Motor Vehicles, the most horrifying, soul-destroying institution every invented in the board rooms of hell.  Its sole function is to cause you as much pain and torment as possible.

Every time you move to a new state, you must devote at least one full day, probably more, to being tortured at the DMV.

And I've moved to a lot of new states.

 Here are the worst DMVs, in order:

1. Ohio.  There are two places to go, one to get your new license and the other for your registration, on opposite sides of town, neither with titles that sound like what they are ("Assistant County Examiner" or something).  The registration one is only open on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but not if it is raining: "The license examiners will not examine your car in the rain."  Which make sense, I suppose, but if you have only one month from the date you move to the state, finding a free Tuesday or Thursday when it's not raining is difficult.  And finding several (they always send you back for more documents) is almost impossible.

2. Texas.  When I moved to Texas for my horrible year in Hell-fer-Sartain, everybody was brand new at their jobs, having just moved down from the Rust Belt (80% of the population of Hell-fer-Sartain was from Michigan, Ohio, or Indiana. So the clerk filled out the form wrong, and six weeks later my driver's license arrived at a house down the block, with the address wrong and my name spelled wrong.  Six more weeks later, a "replacement" driver's license appeared.

3. Pennsylvania.  At the entrance, there are two lines, with signs stating "With a picture id" and "Without a picture id."  I don't know why I thought they would be telling the truth, after my experiences in California and Ohio, but like a idiot I pulled out my picture id card and waited.  An hour later, I got to the front of the line, and was told "This line is for people who are getting their driver's license for the first time.  That line over there is for people who want to transfer from a new state."  Go wait over there for an hour and a half.

Did I mention that Pennsylvania requires two exhaust emission tests?  From different places on the other side of town from each other.

4. California. Make an appointment in advance, but even then, you are going to be waiting for six hours, until they close and tell everyone to go home and come back in the morning.  Where they say they will take those with appointments yesterday first.  Maybe they do, but it still takes four hours to go through the various lines.  Ten hours altogether.  I hope you packed a lunch.

5. New York.  Don't even think about moving to New York.  The DMV is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Every time I stood in one of the interminable lines, the clerk would invent some other document I needed.

Birth certificate.

The title (it's a leased car, so I don't have the title).

A form sent by the person sitting at a desk in an archive in Vermont who actually has physical access to the title.

My proof of insurance.

No, not proof of insurance coverage that began three months ago; it has to be a form indicating that you have insurance coverage on this exact day.

I went back day after day, talked to different clerks every time, and got different and contradictory information about what forms I would need to fill out.  Finally, after jumping through hoop after hoop,  I was waiting for one last form for Grace from my insurance company to fax the fifth insurance form that they wanted directly to Debbie at the DMV.

"When this one comes in, we'll be done, right?" I asked.  "You'll allow me to register my car in this state?"

"Yes, that's the last document we'll need," Debbie said.  Then: "Well, I'm going home for the day.  Someone else will help you."

"No!  No!" I yelled.  "Someone else will just invent more documents that I need, and I'll have to start all over again."

"Well, my shift is over.  I'm going home."

"Could I come back tomorrow and see you then?  Every DMV clerk has different requirements, so someone else will make me do different things."

"You'd have to step to the back of the line and wait for another hour. Just go to the next person when your form comes in."

I waited.  20 minutes later, Grace faxed over the fifth insurance form .  I wanted in line for the next clerk.

"Oh, you have everything you need, except for the afidavits that you don't have any DUI convictions at any of the previous states that you have lived in.  Just call the local police department at each of the cities you lived in, and have them send you the forms...."

I just noticed that there's no specifically gay content in this post.  So here's a cute guy to tide you over.

Gavin Munn's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 1: Biking, boating, fishing, turning 15. Plus his dad, Skyler Gisondo, and Joe Jonas

 

Link to the NSFW photos

This is a collection of cute/cool photos of Gavin Munn, who plays Jonathan on Raising Dion and Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones.  He was under 18 at the time of the original post, so no beefcake or nude photos, but I may have included a few of his family and friends.

1. The Big 15.  Time for your learner's permit, buddy.

2. Father's Day with Dad and Big Bro.

3. Gavin and Dad in jungle prints.

4. A boy and his boat

5. A dad and his fish

6. A random rear with no connection to Gavin's dad

More Gavin and friends after the break

Fate/La Suerte: Gay law student is forced into driving...a Scene 8 Big Reveal. With two Oscar d*cks and some random backsides

  

Link to the Oscar d*cks

I was drawn in to the Spanish tv series Fate (2025) on Hulu, but it does not appear among the five or six television series called Fate that premiered in 2024 and 2025.  Finally I found in the IMDB of star Oscar Jaenada (left): La Suerte: Un Serie de Casualidades (Luck: A Series of Coincidences).

Who was the genius who decided to mistranslate "la suerte" as "fate," and make the show impossible to find?  But it's worth the effort.

Scene 1: David (Ricardo Gómez) is trying to memorize passages from his Criminal Law text while driving a taxi through a party district in Madrid.  Suddenly two guys appear with a semi-conscious third, Gordito (Jairo Sanchez) pile in.  Their friend collapsed during dinner.  They order David to drive them to the hospital -- and don't stop for red lights.

At the hospital, Jero (Carlos Bernardino) orders David to keep the meter running -- while he and the nurses rush Gordito inside.  He steals the Criminal Law book so David will have to wait.

Carlos Bernardino played Armand in Jaula De Grillo, a Spanish language version of La Cage aux Folles, aka The Birdcage.

While waiting, David smiles at a hunky ambulance driver.  He can't be gay, can he?  Ricardo Gomez has played gay characters at least three times.  Could this be #4?

Scene 2: An hour later, Jero returns, telling someone on the phone that Gordito has been admitted to the hospital, but he'll be fine.  David wants to be paid, but skittish loose-cannon Jero points out that the taxi is stolen, and blackmails him into driving somewhere to get the money.  I imagine that it's not really stolen, David has just borrowed it to make extra money while studying for his law exam.

Scene 3: The restaurant where they were eating when Gordito collapsed is now closed, but the owner is a close friend, and opens for Jero.  They left in such a hurry that they forgot "the package."  Uh-oh, these guys must be drug traffickers. And could the owner whip up some muffins?

Scene 4:  Now on to the hotel to get the money.  Jero cautions David to not put down Andalusians -- the last guy who tried that got cut in half.  Just kidding -- or not. 

At the fancy hotel, as they walk down the hall, we see a black rooster wandering around for no reason.  Then a hand with tattoos and rings beckons: "Come in, Jero.  You know you want to."  I can't tell the gender of the voice or the hand. Grinnng, Jero tells David to wait outside -- he'll just be a minute.

Scene 5:  David gets tired of waiting and goes in.  I was expecting a hookup, but it's an elegant party.  One guy is stoking on cocaine, and people are lining up to slap a man's bottom, but otherwise it's subdued.  

Jero introduces David as the guy who saved Gordito, and everyone cheers.  Then he tells David to guard the muffins with his life, and vanishes. This is tremendously surreal.

A guy grabs the muffins, in spite of David's protests, and takes them into the bedroom to present to a shadowy figure in sunglasses.   The muffin guy introduces David as the kid who saved Gordito, and asks "What should we do with him?" That sounds threatening.  Is this like the Spanish Mafia?  

 "Give him a muffin." 

David gets his muffin.  It's not even homemade. 

More after the break

How Fans Deny Queerness in "The Righteous Gemstones" and Other Recent TV Series

 

New book on fan reaction to queer codes in tv series, especially how and why some fans on social media refuse to admit that a character is gay.

Gideon Gemstone's room is plastered with pictures of musclemen.

He's obviously straight.  He wants to look like them, not at them.

On The Middle, Sue's friend Brad begins "I'm...."  and is cut off when she says "I know" and hugs him.  

Obviously he was going to confess his love for her.

On What We Do in the Shadows, Guillermo tells the vampires, "I was about thirteen when I realized that I was..." and is cut off.

Obviously he was going to say "shy around girls."

On The Hollow, Adam tells his friends, "I'm gay."

Obviously he didn't mean it like that.

Gideon and Scotty have a romantic candlelight dinner while the background song tells us: "The way you look when you get down, you knock me out."  

Straight guys can go out to dinner.  There's such a thing as friendship, you know.

 On Solar Opposites, the aliens Korvo and Terry hold hands, share a bed, discuss sexual positions, and kiss.  

"They're just imitating human behavior.  It's not sexual or anything." 

Kelvin and Keefe have an explicit s*x scene that comes right out of an adult video.  Keefe friggin' swallows.

That's what it looks like, but obviously it's not.  Why would two straight guys do that?

The main analysis is The Righteous Gemstones, with three seasons of refusals to acknowledge that Kelvin and Gideon are gay and had romantic relationships with Keefe and Scotty.  But there are also examples from about 40 contemporary tv series, including Animal Kingdom, Shameless, Modern Family, Workaholics, Solar Opposites, True Blood, What We Do in the Shadows, The Last of Us, Young Sheldon, The Middle, and The Walking Dead.

The paperback is $49 on Amazon, but the Kindle version is only $29.00.  And you can read about 30 pages for free on Google Books.

See also: Did the Solar Opposites Valentine's Day Special really change everything?

Gemstones Episode 2.6 Deep Reading: a frame-by-frame analysis of the s*x scene

"The Hollow": Adam is Gay

Johnny Karn: Lost virginity, pretentious straightness, psycho-slashers, and the most incredible d*ck you've ever seen

Link to the n*de photos

I found some very impressive photos belonging to someone named Johnny Karn, actor, with the most incredible d*ck you've every seen.  Even if he's a straight jerk, he's getting a profile.

#1: Is he gay in real life?  This requires checking his Instagram, Facebook, or in a pinch, TikTok.

Gay potential: "Two homies are standing up against bullying."

But Homie #2 is Alex Sola, whose Instagram consists almost entirely of photos establishing his marriage to the Most Beautiful Woman in the World.  The Homies were just pretending to be gay.

Plus Johnny poses with a woman and two young girls, saying: "Drinking deep from the chalice of life and holding our loved ones close."

Not only straight, but straight and pretentious.  

I already dislike this guy, but who cares?  His membrum virile is magnificent by every measure: length, width, and so on.  

#2: Has he played any gay characters?  This requires checking the IMDB, and maybe some episode synopses.

Research problem: there's no Johnny Karn.  The IMDB suggests Johnny Carson and John Karn, whose only screen credit is Jinxed (2000).   Our guy ain't Johnny Carson, and he's too young to be John Karn.

Turns out that he goes by John Karna on stage, and Johnny Karn in everyday life. 

Johnny Karn -- I mean John Karna -- was born in 1992 in Harris County, Texas.  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-fer-Sartain, Harris County, as an English instructor at Homophobia U.  

He graduated from Stanford High School in 2011,  and enrolled at the University of Oklahoma as a musical theater major. That's only marginally better. 

During his freshman year, he started his on-screen acting career with Bindlestiffs (2012): three high school guys, including Johnny as John Woo, are desperate to lose their virginity.  

He was also cast in as the lead in Premature, which premiered in 2014 at the SXSW FIlm Festival: A high school boy has to relive losing his virginity over and over until he meets with the right girl. What's with this "losing your virginity" theme? 

Among his misadventures: having to pleasure himself for the men's volleyball team when he calls them homophobic, although they are allies, and one of the team members is gay. 

Johnny's very attractive backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

 IndieWire named Johnny one of the "top 10 breakout stars" of 2014, so he dropped out of college and moved to Los Angele. Much better.  Get a place in West Hollywood.

More after the break

Beefcake in Acne Commercials. Really.

You could call my high school years "The Clearasil" years.  I carried around a little tube of the sticky white glue-like stuff or the sulfer-smelling brown stuff. One whiff today will bring back a flood of memories.

Also insecurity.

Turns out that acne is practically universal during adolescence, but at the time we thought it was a rare anomaly.  We had no idea that everyone else was secretly carrying around a little tube of Clearasil.

Also guilt.

We all thought you brought the scourge on yourself by not washing your face enough or eating too much junk food.

Nope -- nothing about your eating or washing habits can prevent it.



Media didn't help.  Commercials always yelled that acne made you hideous, thus ruining your social life forever.

Like you'd really give this guy a pass due to his small blemish.

A and B are equally likely to draw teenage attention.  B may look a little better, but only because he's smiling.

"You want to hang out?  Forget it! Those small red marks on your chin are too disgusting!"

More after the break

Kelton Dumont's Hot Photos, Part 3: Birthday biceps, bare backsides, rugger d* cks, tie up games, and Jacob Tremblay

 

Link to the n*de photos

Previous:  Kelton's Hot Photos, Part 2: James Dean, Orson Welles, Bam-Bam Rubble. and a n*de Pontius

This is a collection of cute/cool or hot/h*ng photos of actor Kelton Dumont, best known as Pontius in The Righteous Gemstones.  I made some changes, and added a few. 

1. "I've been working out."  

That's a photo of Dominik Togyela.  But the resemblance is uncanny.

2. Flashback to the filming of the Gemstones series finale.  

"Please, this is a private conversation.  We're talking about hot guys...um, I mean girls..."

3. Kelton gets a homemade sign to welcome him to Leigh, a village near Manchester, England.

No, I'm not going to make a joke about getting some in Leigh.

4. Rugger Righteous Gemstones fans welcome Kelton to Manchester. 

Did you get any bubble and squeak?

5. Kelton and his Dad James attended the Sovreign premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival in 2025.  It stars Nick Offerman and Jacob Tremblay as a father and son who become involved with the anti-government Sovreign Citizens movement.  

More after the break

"Best Foot Forward": Boy negotiates middle school with a prosthetic leg, a h*ng dad, a bodybuilder brother, a gay buddy, and no annoying girl-craziness

  

Link to the n*de dudes

We just dumped Peacock in favor of Apple Plus, so now we can watch Best Foot Forward (2022), based on childhood experiences of  "Paralympian, comedian, author, disability advocate, and Halloween enthusiast" Joshua Sundquist (underwear photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) 

Focus character Josh has been home schooled since he lost his left leg at age nine, but he finally convinces his parents to allow him to start seventh grade in public school.  He faces the standard junior high problems of friends, math tests, soccer practice, movie night, and school dances.

Josh is played by Logan Marmino, fifteen years old in 2025 and thinking about college.  Maybe Johns Hopkins?

He's an accomplished athlete, competing in Paralympics track and high school basketball and baseball.  Plus surfing and skateboarding. 

When showrunner Joshua Sundquist invited him to audition for Best Foot Forward, he had no acting experience, not even a school play.  And he doesn't really seem interested in an acting career -- he hasn't appeared in anything since. Sports and disability activism keep him busy.

While Josh is experiencing the joys and hassles of junior high, Dad and Mom (Stephen Schneider, left, Joy Suprano) have B plots of their own, like when they tried to order two pizzas, and accidentally ordered twenty. "Sometimes older people can't see the order screen very well," the delivery guy explains, to Mom's consternation.

Stephen Schneider may be best known for a five-minute long n*de fight scene in The Righteous Gemstones, but he has 37 acting credits on the IMDB, including three tv series reviewed here: You're the Worst, Broad City. and Nobody Wants This, 

Josh's younger brother Matt (Roger Dale Floyd) mostly tries to help, or feels left out when Josh gets all of the attention.

Roger Dale Floyd, 13 years old in 2025, has appeared in The Walking Dead, Doctor Sleep, Greenland, and Stranger Things.  He is a junior bodybuilder, interested in promoting fitness among teens and tweens. 

In Greenland (2020), Roger and his Mom and Dad (Gerard Butler) must flee cross-country to safety after a comet-Apocalypse.  Whoops, they forgot to bring his insulin. 

N*de Gerard Butler on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Josh makes two friends, Kyle (Peyton Jackson, left) and Gabriella (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss).

Peyton Jackson has 14 acting credits on the IMDB, most recently Pet Investigators (2025), about three teens who crack a pet-theft ring.  The baddies are played by former teen idols Sean Astin, David Faustino, and Corin Nemec, and the hunk by Mike Markoff (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

I have bad luck with junior high and high school comedies.  They invariably present their male characters as absurdly girl crazy, their every action designed to meet, impress, or win Girls! Girls! Girls!: "Let's join chess club -- there will be girls there!  Let's buy a new skateboard -- we can use it to get girls!  Let's jump out of an airplane -- maybe a girl will see us!"

I'm reviewing the "School Dance" episode with my "heteronormative erasure!" complaints ready.

Review after the break

Boots: A gay teen and his straight buddy join the Marines. In 1990. With other gay characters, all the beefcake you could hope for, and at least 3 d*cks

  

Link to the n*de photos

Boots on Netflix, not to be confused with Boots: The Musical or Das Boot , is advertised as the last series by Norman Lear, who produced some of the greatest hip sitcoms of the 1970s: All in the Family, The Jeffersons, One Day at a Time, Maude, Mary Hartman.  It's based on The Pink Marine by Greg Cope, his memoir of joining the Marines as a closeted gay kid in 1990.

My parents all but insisted that I join the army after high school, but I figured that it would be impossible.  Memories of the 1990s, plus gay characters and beefcake -- I'm in. Episode 1, "The Pink Marine":

Scene 1: 1990.  In the recruiting office, Cameron (Miles Heizer) is asked why he wants to be a Marine.  "Um...for freedom and America?"  The real reason: he's being bullied to death. 

Narrating, Cam goes back to the beginning.  Montage of his birth, toddler years, getting beat up, lifting weights, a d*ck, David Hasselhoff, Medieval knights.  "What if you're not who everybody says you're supposed to be?" 

Mom advises him to be more masculine. Brother Benjy, to not be such a p*ssy.  Getting his head shoved in a toilet at graduation.  Complaining about having to stay closeted.  Sounds like everybody knows you're gay, buddy.

His inner self interrupts and asks him to "stop being afraid, and just be yourself.  Our place is out there."  So you're joining the Marines? I moved to West Hollywood.

Scene 2:  Close up of the shoes of Cameron's only friend, Ray (Liam Oh),  as they eat at an outdoor restaurant. He's going to join the Marines, where they have the "buddy system": if you join with a friend, you stay together.  

"But they don't allow gays in the military."  

"So you'll just  pretend to be straight."  Wait -- does this mean that Ray is straight?  I remember 1980: you didn't come out to any straight person, ever.  If they found out by accident, they would drop you instantly.  

Cameron considers the idea.  He can't afford college, and his only other option is Bismarck, North Dakota (move to West Hollywood?).  Besides, he wants to stay with Ray.

Scene 3: Back to the recruitment office: "Boot camp is a machine that turns boys into men. In 13 weeks you won't even recognize yourself."

"Sounds great.  Let's do it."

Scene 4:  Parris Island, South Carolina. The boot camp bullying begins immediately, as Drill Instructor Knox (Zach Roerig) screams for the recruits to get off the bus. Drill Sergant McKimmon introduces himself --by yelling and insulting them.  This triggers Cameron.  Actually, it's starting to trigger me.

They call their "next of kin" to say that they arrived safely.  But they have to follow the script.  A guy who deviates has to do push-ups.

Next come haircuts, punishment for smiling at each other, dinner (forced to retrieve food that he threw away and eat it, gross!) , new uniforms (lots of beefcake).  

Uh-oh, Cam can't find his boots, so he's forced to go barefoot. That must be the reason for the title of the series.

Next, Drill Instructor Knox forces them to run to their bunk room and make their beds fast. He yells at Ray for being Asian, and forces the recruit who stole Cam's boots to do push-ups.

Another recruit flirts with Cam.

Back home, Older Brother is watching a public-domain 1930s cartoon.  Mom was too drunk to notice when Cody mentioned that he was joining the Marines, so she is shocked when she gets his phone message. 

Scene 5: Night.  Cameron sneaks out to go to the bathroom, and finds another recruit pleasuring himself (maybe do it in your bunk under the covers, like every other guy who sleeps in a dorm room?).  He sees Cam watching and calls him a homophobic slur. 

Cam runs back to his bunk and tells Buddy Ray that he made a mistake, he's got to get out of here.  It was an all-purpose slur, Princess -- he didn't really think you were gay.   

"It's hard on everyone," Ray answers. "I got a racist breathing down my neck."  

Scene 6: Drill Instructors Howlitt and Knox come in with trash can lids to wake up the recruits. Ochoa (Johnathan Nieves) gets yelled at for being...you know (not visible on screen).  He may be the one who flirted with Cam.

Cam gets bullied for not shaving properly, and later is asked if he has a girl back home. "She dumped me.  She's a Communist."  

Time for the strength test, which involves sit-ups and running, where he bonds with the fat guy John Bowman (Blake Burt). He joined because it's family tradition.

Next, you have to do at least three pull ups, or you're out.  Cam sees his chance: he pretends that he can't do any, but then he wants to encourage John Bowman, so he does his three, and stays in.   The Drill Sergeant allows them to hug and yell, as  long as they say "ooray" instead of "hooray."  

More after the break

Halloween Horror: Cruising in Lynchburg, VIrginia, the scariest place on Earth

 

Link to the n*de photos

We're only 30 miles from Hell.

I'm spending fall break in Charlottesville with Jonathan Peng Lee, my hustler/engineer/paranormal enthusiast/gym rat friend who I met at Alan's funeral.  It's two days before Halloween, and he has promised to bring me to the scariest place on Earth.

I expected a haunted house, but no: we're spending two nights in Lynchburg, Virginia!

How did I let Jon talk me into this foolhardy trip?  Over an hour driving through the Shenandoah Valley that General Sherman burned, through towns named Arkham...I mean Amherst...Stonewall -- no connection to the birthplace of the modern Gay Rights Movement -- Greif (grief misspelled by rednecks).

Now it's only 20 miles to Lynchburg.

The site of Thomas Road Baptist Church, where Jerry Falwell, the biggest homophobe in the world, spewed his venom.  The site of Homophobia University, where the top homophobes in the country send 15,000 of their kids to learn how to hate us more.

We're going undercover as fundamentalists, but still, I doubt we'll make it out alive.

""Why would anyone name a city after the mob murders of thousands of African-Americans in the years after the Civil War?" I wonder.

"It was named before that, after its founder, who ran a ferry in the 1780s," Jon reads off wikipedia. "Hey, guess what?  He was an abolitionist.  Progressive, huh?"

"Oh, very.  I'll bet he was pro-gay, too."

We cross nameless suburbs, then the River Styx (I mean James).

My first view: Eerie yellow lights, a dark stormy sky, the dark tower like something out of Mordor.

We have a reservation at Craddock Terry Hotel on Commerce Street, "steeped in history."  There's a giant woman's shoe over the lobby.

"Fabulous, isn't it?"  Jon says sarcastically.

"Don't use that word.  Remember, undercover -- one room, two beds, and call me 'Brother.'"

"Whatever you say, darling."

"Ha-ha, very funny."


'

We have dinner at a place called Bootleggers, a couple of blocks away.  You enter from the basement: "like you're entering a speakeasy."  There's a gigantic mural of old-time rednecks.  I order a turkey burger and truffle-laced french fries.

Rather elegant for Homophobia Central, I have to admit.

Afterwards we return to our hotel room and go on Grindr to look for a hookup.  I expect a lot of married closet-case-angst types, but we end up inviting over a student from one of the local colleges -- not Homophobia University.  Tall, slim, thick black hair, into oral.  He's a Humanities major, and on the swim team.

"You must be closeted among your teammates," I say.

"Oh, no, not at all.  The team camptain is queer.  I think he's majoring in Human Services with a concentration in LGBTQ Advocacy."

LGBTQ Advocacy?  WTF?

"Not everybody in town is as backwards as that other university," he says.  "Too bad you won't be here next spring.  They're doing The Laramie Project at the Renaissance Theater."

He spends the night, but doesn't go out for breakfast with us.  On our own, we opt for waffles at the White Hart Cafe, which is also a used bookstore. No gay books per se, but I do find a biography of Truman Capote.

"What do you want to do today?" Jon asks.  He reads the possibilities from Trip Advisor: "A children's museum, the city museum, a historic mansion, the old cemetery with a Confederate Monument, the Pest House Medical Museum..."

"Have a lot of pestilence in Lynchburg, do they?"

The full story, with more Lynchburg and n*de photos, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

See also: Matt Crabtree: Shy, quiet, stuttering Southern boy grows up to "Modern Family," "Will and Grace," one-man shows, and d*ks

Eight P*nises nd Packages of South Carolina

"The Eyes of Tammy Faye": A gay-positive light in the homophobic 1980s, with n*de photos, not of the televangelists